Then in those moments, watching something, and believe me even then reality has crept in
So I know that this reality check finds meor I find my reality to be a failure in every way
I go on and on remembering the incredible hell and heaven I've been though ultimately
It suggests that there are either very clever people wasting their time on me magically
Or more likely I been treading the dawn and dusk and evening and days unevenly
That's how it seems to me but then occasionally I can have a conversation in me
The answers seem to suggest there's someone else inside here with me too see
That is an uncomfortable position to be in right now or at any time of the day
Then it leads me to nervously get on with whatever is in front of me and hey
Don't let me bore you anymore with this way that I have of consistently...
Turning the focus of a chat back to me, I find I did that today again and
I'm not proud of the fact that I recognise rather than give you a chance
to have your say and explain that we're both on the same page okay
I butted in, I looked as though I wanted you to shut the fuck up so
I could say what I wanted to say and that what you need to say
Wasn't important, this is between you and I though a real one
I mean a real person I was talking to today or at and that is
Just to say that I'm beside myself trying not to be the old
me to be the new one the one who isn't eating to have
a full belly all the time for no good reason and I can't
understand why I'm doing that I can't seem to stop
I can't seem to know I don't need to eat i don't
even feel hungry perhaps I could start with
that and try to get some self control back
by not eating until i'm hungry but i panic
and find my stomach is tight i haven't
taken a breath in a while so breathe
in and then im self concious of it
again and then i breathe in once
more if i didnt i swear i might
expire like i thought i did a
few weeks ago literally
giving out my last to
breathe no more
only i thought
it was for a
good old
reason
to be
or not
to be that
is the question
whether tis nobler
in the mind to be dead
or to live and celebrate being
on this rock floating no falling through
space facing mortality and the existential
notion of what happens at the end of all of
this whatever it is because it seems so fucking
surreal to be alive at all and i'm trying to push until
someone pushes me back or to find whatever it is that
i lack because i'm more and more convinced that i'm broke
and if i am then don't try to fix me because I wouldn't accept
your help I would yelp and howl at the full moon as i shudder at
the thought of going outside, living in my caravan, in a tent away from
here is what i really wanna do go out into the wilds, make a survival attempt
live off wild food, live off donations, settle somewhere learn about nature and live
because i've been here in this moment before nd it hurts like hell but im sleep less and more
more than the little, light sleeping because there's no zonking from weed or resin or other drugs
not 14 hours at a time or lounging around in bed for days on end because im forcing myself to do
good things around the place, set a routine, so this has been weirder in that i can't trust my eyes, ears
but this time, the things and visions i've seen like fears made manifest, made real, like holding in my piss
because im too scared to go to the toilet and disturb others who may still be sleeping when i know that when
i'm working i'll have to get up before some of them are up and make noises around the place i don't normally
eat breakfast but now i cant help myself i have to eat something right away and then i cant stop is it summat
coming out of mu muscles because recently i looked so gaunt and thin in the face that i was sure i starved
myself for a week thinking i was in no need of sustenance other than air, or for me it was called energy
and here we go again as I try to accept what has gone before only i can't deal with this idea that a
nother, another, this possiblity of having a chat in your own head with someone who stays silent
when they choose to do so, the litter around drives me crazy when i want to pick it up but
then i question the sorts of things that are around, an angry birds toy fluffy and dirty and
a sponge bob squarepants that has been ripped up to shreds the kids these days and
adults are leaving so much shit around the worlds looks like it's going to the dogs
and here I am feeling more like an animal, the time seems to have been turned
on its head, extended until theres so much of it but nothing to do and going
on and on i feel like i had energy to send to you some of your felt it i
know you did because i saw the look on your face i messaged
you and you told me it was the most wonderful thing you
ever experienced and that makes me wish i could
feel the magic but it has to leave me so that i
can just get a normal job and stay away
from dancing and prancing about
feeling like a magician without
a career a masseur who it
doesnt work for and
cant get a place
to work from
because he's
too inhibited
to do that
work so
i quit it
love
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