barely enough courage to write

how to express the feelings and experiences of the last few months that i thought had been 8, 9 or ten weeks and by now it seem as though it must have been at least that as i look back and count the days and posts here and check back to my fbook account and recount how ive been on missions that suggested someone was seeing through my eyes and no surprise that sounds crazy and i also thought there were folks looking at me through cameras posted around the place, or spiritual friends or foes talking to me in my head and this thread will run and run or maybe my hope and positive attitude will be enough or posting this and daring to face my fears and the fact that there seems to be little emotion left in me now, and so few tears and thankfully less small smirks and jeers to things that ought not to be deemed funny, and no money as i burnt it up but dont admit things that might seem strange, deranged, dont post this, fear the truth more than the lies and it's again no surprise or shouldnt come as one that this sort of thing seems to have begun a lot earlier than i might have wished to find out, looking back maybe there ought to have been doubts expressed further back by my self, and now it seems only fitting to accept that i have missing time, memories unentwined, they dont make sense, missing possessions, the feeling of a type or kind of possession of me or my spirit, my body, my actions, deemed unworthy by a part of me, or someone, something outside of me, is spirit talking good?

Is mediumship talking with demons who pretend to be our loved ones passed on to wherever they go?

Is spirit work ever capable of being truthful to an extent given there is no proof other than thoughts in our heads and then it goes around and around, do i doubt healing and energy like reiki and natural healing work?

Do my doubts make that stuff fail to work or did my belief in it make it work in the first place before now?

On it goes as i calm down having faced the fear of writing this stuff down, does it look like madness?

Have I been talking to myself, and indeed arguing, have certain facets started to come back to me?

Memories of the past opened up because I've gone back to the days I never looked back on?

Were my fears of others getting involved just that?  No people from other countries?

No spirit just parts of me, the subconcious, the unconcious made concious?

Is it just a symptom of a larger problem that may have begun very early?

Can I ever know the truth as i face another attempt to get on track?

I need to get a job and see whether i can learn new things again, need to see if I can cope with the pressure, see if i can compromise, get out there again, cycle there, do it all on my own as i wont accept help.

As it goes on again it seems as though i leave everything to the last minute, always putting more pressure on myself but thats the way i seem to deal with things best as i panic and freeze up and cope with that, listen to your body more, when you've got to go, go, have a wee, wash your hands, look after yourself more Jon.

All sorts of archetypes were there in the first place, accents taken onboard, speaking with a welsh lilt, doing things I've left for years without dealing with, go through your clothes, give them away to charity, the car comes back again magically or coincidentally, not where I believed I had left it on a whim, instinctively.

Driven home in one piece gone through it all and thrown out smoking paraphenalia as im defo giving up.

Aspects of the peopleive met coming out inside my head, where they are from, so many fantasies expressed.

Feeling better and better and sleeping well, dropping off ok, sleeping right through apart from toilet breaks.

Constant thoughts of wouldnt it be good to get away and just live a life on the road and learn wild food?

Then thoughts of the need to pay off debts, pay off car insurance policies, make sure to provide more.

Dreams of folks from the past so vivid, coming off nicotine making my appetite so big it's ridiculous.

So many things have gone on I can't understand how anyone could have put up with me and then.

Then I realise they're just trying to cope with it in their own ways, hard for them to question it.

Face it, makes me feel so alone but at least I have somewhere to be, to feel less empty.

How did it all start was it that first trip to spain i can't help thinking of it all again.

Looking at the photos, wondering where my pilgrim passports have gone?

Wondering was that the first time I asked for a spiritual experience?

And got one in the form of a voice after waking at 2am to hear it.

Saying in my head you are nothing and unique, a cog on a wheel.

What is real, will this life seem like a great game that is death too?

When I die will it all be revealed or will it all end in blackness and nothing more?

I've gone round the houses looking at everything I've done or may have or may not have.

Unable to remember what I have no memories of, accused in my head of all sorts of shameful things.

Then I remember all sorts of things I have done that I can't quite believe I have and I see the truth at least of the times I've been through that I thought were happy or right or true or for a good reason and I doubt the healing that I was doing last summer at a super festival, did I actually help anyone at all or was it confirmation bias, was I just dreaming things into reality, am i constantly overiding others need to get me to do the right things in some ways, are they scared to speak up and tell me what they would like me to do, or how to behave, is that because I just do what i want and dont care, am incapable of learning and listening, is it because i cant hear, physically i mean, even though i seem to go through periods of being able to hear the tiniest noise from far away, or close noises really loud, or a wood pecker in the middle distance, so loud it sounds like thunder, then there are the sights of an electric cable sparking, or a far off explosion on the horizons several weeks ago, the thought in my head is there goes a local town, boom it's gone, you're being followed by an invisible wizard so keep walking away from home, get as far away as you can, so i walk, get turned around, dirtied up, wet through puddles, storms around, winds high and profound, get back home at least  in time to go to bed and bedraggled seem like at least i wasn't out past everyone elses bedtime.

So many accounts to be made, keep away from the drugs that i was weaning myself off of anyway, standing up to those around, more and more which seems like a different person to them as i never did before, never said boo to a goose, so much and certainly wouldnt hurt a fly, losing my temper at myself and the thoughts in my head that now seem only to be in my own voice, whereas on waking in the past few weeks they seemed to be those of people i've met in my life, saying get out, several voices at once, there's more than one team on this, some trying to help you, some to harm you, they all want to pick you up for some reason, some to take you away to a foreign country, bring your passport, some to take you to have heinous things done to you, facing the difference between magical realities, finding more and more truth in rational explanations, there obviously arent bugs all around or cameras, there still are these thoughts, that may be the best parts of me, am i suffering from any number of mental illness things, is it MPD what is it, is it spiritual, brain related?

Around and around and wondering but knowing that at least apart from clumsiness i'm no threat or danger to anyone, i've faced the thought that others were out to harm me but I'd never strike out, only in self defence.

Even then it would take a lot, I'm just not a violent person and everyone seems quite happy in my company, or at least they don't fear being in the same room as me, losing my fear of contacting people as it seemed like everyone was out to get me in some way, going round and round them all, feeling as though i would hurt anyone by even looking at them, they're dead, they're going to drop dead because you looked at them.

Knowing the subconcious is a very powerful machine, intelligence, creative resource, knows lots and lots.

So are they all, thoughts, fanatasies of my own creation, you're a creator god they said, what you say goes.

I've experienced that before, all I know is that it makes sense for me to stay away from chemical highs.

I ought to be eating as healthy a diet as possible but sugary snacks and biscuits are so hard to quit.

In many ways i'm taking up all sorts of habits that don't help like caffeine when i dont drink it.

Or as little as possible knowing or feeling as though it makes my stomach ache, white bread.

Shouldnt be eating that but stuffing myself with anything i can get hold of as though that's at least something I can take control of in my life, eat, eat, put on weight because i seemed to be gaunt again, look thin in the face now fat in the cheeks, nt in the body, seemed to have dropped to a tiny weight low 9 stones now more like 10 again maybe more, who knows, back to bad habits, try to find a middle ground again please help me.

Help yourself or you will end up never having any semblance of a favourable future life to live.

It's ok for others to smoke, that's up to them, take drugs etc that's their life but not yours.

You've done so many things, don't do them again, this time it feels like it has to be over.

I get so easily persuaded by myself that I can do those things again, so don't this time.