Thinking About Your Love

I think about my friends, they pop into my head, and then I wonder how they are.

But I'm rubbish at using the phone, the signal here is crap and other excuses.

If I had to put my finger on it I would say I don't reach out as I should.

So caught up in my own process, my own issues, my downfall.

In other news, I'm off out for a meal with my family.

So friends, I'm sorry for the fact that I don't keep in touch as much as i should have, could have, I'm hanging in there at the moment, feeling better each day, some ups and downs yes, but slowly feeling like I know the score more and more, wanting to do the right things, keep good habits, get back into work, get a car, run a car, earn enough to pay off my debts, get some confidence back, learn lessons once and for all, knowing what a self destructive streak I have, such an inbuilt desire to fail, that somehow I managed to ride roughshod over for the last several years, I did things I am deliciously proud of, things I look back on and wonder wtf?  How did I manage that?  They seem like dreams...

The mountain adventures, the walking 500 miles, the car journeys with strangers that became friends, the road trips, the parties, the massage, the dancing, the everything I have experienced right or wrong.

I came to see many things in a different light and then again saw them in the same old one again.

There's nothing worse than an ex somebody, an ex smoker, an ex anything, they're so intolerant.

They have to be for their own good, and I feel like that, like I'm keeping myself safe, on the straight and narrow, the long and winding road, that leads to fuck knows where to be honest, I don't know.

My mind is open now, to so many influences, so many song titles, my subconscious concious although I said that before, memories flooding back that previously seemed to be behind a dam.

I'm not particularly keen on me still so I know that I'm not particularly good company.

I haven't danced in anger, in love, in ecstasy, soundlessly mouthing my emotions, stamping and stomping with my feet, to the beat, loving the transcendent feeling for four months now give or take...

And that is shit, because the hugs I received when I was out and about, I think kept me very well.

I think it healed me in so many ways, I had this intention when I thought the world was ending or that it might, I had this wish to meet someone, to get to know them, slowly, to make love, to be healed.

To heal each other, to connect and love each other, it was my bucket list, along with horse riding.


Now all I care about is making sure I'm not a burden, that I pay my way, that would be a start.

Realised how long it's been since I visualised my own death, it's been a few days, since I wished I was dead, actually starting to look forward to being around for a while, to see the daffodils I planted

If I can make it to next year I could see that new star wars ;)

Love and light?

I'm not so sure about all that spiritual stuff anymore, I am meditating occasionally again

mindful of my breath, mindful less of my mind at last, some gaps finally allowing me peace