oh lord please dont let me be misunderstood

i'm just a soul whose intentions were good...

Whatever the ending to this story, I feel that the clarity I have now, to see myself clearly as never before, allows me the freedom to say, to see the overall picture of a life misspent through fear.

I've posted things that were about mental health issues, the medical professions take on what can be in many cases a spiritual crises, mishandled because it's not recognised for what it truly is.  In my case the last few years have actually just made a situation within me gradually worse over time.

Over the last five years especially I have provided my massage skills for fellow pilgrims along the Way of Saint James, for the make-up artists and guests at the psytrance parties I have attended, to a balinese woman who worked at one of the companies I got work for from an agency, for friends on occasion, usually in environments where theirs and my inhibitions were gone and always with the same unconditionally loving intention in my heart.  I was someone I was starting to respect then.

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So I've gotten better in many ways, spent so much more time socially with amazing people, had experiences that as long as I live I will never forget, my two caminos especially are so vivid, I've spent quite a lot of time lately reminiscing, looking on google maps, retracing my steps, looking at the places I walked through, reliving those journeys again and wishing I was back there, walking through Spain, reliving those days, relishing so heartily the friendships at the time, the experiences.

For me though my crises of confidence, of facing my fears, of facing the future, is a mental health issue, I can't call it a spiritual journey anymore, I can't afford to try to pick apart the one from the other because I'm finally seeing myself for who I really am, finally stopped pointing the finger at others, blaming them for my own shortcomings, finding fault elsewhere rather than looking at me.

I've said things in the past that at the time I truly believed, opinions of others mostly, I wouldn't want anyone to look back on the things I've said and decide that they know anything of the relationships, of the people I have talked about, I cherish the people who have ever given me the time of day.

This dark night of my existence will go on because I have to face myself with others in mind.

I have to do whatever it takes to face the future whatever it may bring, to do the right thing.

Please forgive me if I can't be around the way I was before, I don't, can't face temptation.


I know how easily I could slip back into bad habits, I have to be very hard on myself.

It's the only way I can see any way out of my current situation, to take it very slow.

It's so difficult to explain, to get others to understand, because they can't put themselves in my shoes and to be honest I wouldn't want them to, my hope is to somehow get through this period of pain.

I will never blame anyone else for my shortcomings, my decisions, my choices, my failings.

Love
Jon
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