Oh dear what can the matter be

It all made so much sense at the time and I can see and remember the feeling, feelings that went through me then too, feeling as though despite my own internal knowing that by writing what I wrote, that insisting on getting out what was in, I could be undermining the very things I had built, trust, faith, in me, in you, that I could be doing a detrimental damage to the relationships I had forged, but then I can see now that I hadn't really forged any, there were some fledgling friendships and I have spent some quality time with some quality people, but over the last three years especially, all I've really done is gone from one extreme to another, from inclusivity to exclusivity to reclusivity...

Gone from the me of old who had friendships, who yes felt as though I was on a long journey of discovery, of spiritual questioning, of asking the big questions and wondering and reading all sorts of sources for some answers, but in truth as I am now, a shadow of my former self I can see the judgements I made of others, some close to me who had become less so over the years.

Now there's a big hole in my arguments, a big mess where my spirituality was, like it was taken, like it was never there, like I can't afford to believe in it anymore, I dare not look lest I go blind.

Staring at the sun, early in the morning, last thing before it goes down, the first and last hour.

They say that the darkest hour is the one before the dawn, well then I hope I've seen it now.

Things have certainly gotten better as I've waited for things to turn around on their own.

Waited to see people, waited to know what they think, realising how short sighted I've been.

Spotting the obvious things that I had let get away from me, the obvious priorities for me now.

All I wish now is for the strength to take opportunities that present themselves, to try to make recompense for my failings, knowing I will have to face myself more than ever before now.

Knowing that I didn't like what I found over the last weeks and months and knowing I've let my friends of old slip away, I'm glad in ways because I wouldn't have wanted them to see me like this, wouldn't have wanted to have been such an up and downer, such a frowner, such a liability, such a waste though, such a shame, to see others as making the wrong decisions when I was actually.

Coming to terms with knowing I can't afford the temptations, can't afford to be who I was then.

Lost all my confidence, and knowing I don't want it all to come back, I was over confident.

Now again my body is showing signs of not knowing what to do, my own self control.

What are those pains, those feelings, in the tips of toes, the bottoms of feet, rock bottom hit.

Building back up again, never having been a big one for seeing doctors about anything before.

Except that time I got a tic on my dick, had to drop trow get out cock for a beautiful student doc.