spectacles testicles wallet and watch

crossing myself wouldn't be the right thing to do as i am not a catholic, in fact I have never had a faith, not in a god i was taught about, i don't blaspheme anyway, i don't say christ when i stub my toe, i would usually say oh my goodness rather than oh my god, i wandered through life wondering about all that stuff though, wondering what this place is after all there are a lot of weird things that go on.

I did however walk 500 miles from france into spain, i know here i go, going on about that again ;)

the smile sometimes comes back to my face, as i realise what the last several years have been if not a waste...  not trying to rhyme these lines, i'm trying to write, whatever it is that is in my head to get it out...  get rid of it, from in there, see whether or not there is any inspiration again coming in, out.

as in the past that is what happened, that is what i had gotten used to, perhaps it wasn't ever there...

no connection to anything, all the evidence merely circumstantial, the acts and beliefs of others, merely making me convinced of things, maybe they too were playing a trick, being used...

I feel in some ways as though I have been, lead astray, but in truth when i ask myself by who, by me is the easiest answer, after all, it was my idea to go looking, my idea, or the chances that presented themselves, during my life, there were times when i had to get out there, and meet people, and that lead to certain things happening that i would never in the moment question, just get on with it.

Things and people came into my life in this way and i dealt often with whatever came up out of fear

fear of not knowing what was expected of me, not feeling comfortable in new situations, if i didn't know what i was meant to be doing, if i had never experienced something before, it was terrifying

all i can say is that the last years have opened up my mind, my subconcious now concious, there, open, my past laid bare for me to see much more clearly, maybe as i always said, we lie to ourselves and then take that out into the world as our truth, my whole blog seems to have been me accusing others of things i'm far more guilty of, those parts of myself that i wished weren't there that are?

it's become such a struggle now, feeling again like in 2012 that my physical body is shutting down

simple things maybe not even as severe as i fear, suddenly the future is a mess not a dream coming true, a scary dream mind you, for real i thought if i only had faith and some courage that i could get there, to wherever the future was, whatever it held, with some kind of dignity, with something to give to others, finding out how little that is true when it comes to the challenges i was going to face...

It's much harder, you have to work so much harder, have to be present, do so much, struggle, stress

at least im writing again i suppose, although it's going to be cryptic for anyone else, just my own stupid inane ramblings, not meaning much to anyone but me, maybe that was it all along, some kind of fantasy, of being a writer, writing my woes out into the world, thinking i was sharing a wonderful journey into the tiny places and spaces in space such a wide and large final frontier, out there, in here, microcosm, macrocosm...  I've not been to as many places in the world, or in my country as most.

Most people have lived lives, gone places, celebrated being alive, seen things, done things, i have too just not seen them as anything but stepping stones across a river, that i was fording, wading through

thought i was going with the flow, entering a stream of conciousness, an ocean of enlightenment

some of the things I was saying seemed to make sense to the spiritually minded, it would be fucking awesome if I somehow became worth some money after my death and that someone close to me could benefit from that, i used to ascribe meaning to too much, thought everything i came across, especially lately was describing this place, everything was a message, coming in loud and clear

Now i look back and wonder was i just travelling without moving?  A Funky Monkey dancing his way into a dangerous liaison with the headhunters, not heading for a marriage with two kids with a woman from an island?  You see I was told many things, by a few people, some of which I thought might come true, some of which I thought seemed to fill in so many gaps, so many puzzle pieces...

And yet NOPE, seems not now.  I know I've had to pull back from the spiritual view, because it's possible, ok probable, that I was babbling, no i was babbling making very little sense, last year, towards the end of the summer, and the end of the year, I've been there before, on a three year ride from september 2011 to here in May 2014 wondering if this will be my year, to recover or just die

I'm still here now having less thoughts about doing something drastic not to be, knowing i couldn't do that, it's the other people's sake that I hold on to, I'm just here to make money and pay more debts off

So would I ever, could I ever entertain, relax and enjoy feeling those feelings again?

You see all the time I was meditating and visualising and taichi'iing...

There wasn't ever much of a feeling, going through motions.

Feeling emotions, feeling the feeling of elation.

Covering up the trepidation of connecting.


Missing the times I had with others.

Knowing I can't trust myself.

No temptations please.

Let me be to feel.

Let me try to get myself out of this mess, stress less, work more, make things right.

Facing an uncertain future, knowing i had it mapped out for us all in my head before.

In some ways the next two to three years will be an even greater test, to see the truth.

Let's see what happens or nothing at all just an increase of this madness outside not in.

The world becoming less and less of a place that makes any sense, common sense please?

Bringing back the best of the old ways of doing things was our only hope, denying the tech.

Using the tech to solve our problems, making it easier for us to come together as one species.

Not continue to see each other as different because of our faith or because of our lack of it.

It seems as though we're all in it together, we are connected, that cannot be denied, see how quickly something gets reported from the other side of the world, tragedy coming from there fast.

And yet there's good news out there too, it's just that it doesn't sell news papers, doesn't trend?

When will this ever end, maybe it's not meant to have a happy ending at all, that sucks.