I made mistakes, that have lead me here, to be in debt, to feel as though I should not, cannot go anywhere or do anything until they are repaid, that the first pounds I can earn shall go towards that, never for anything for myself and that is what I have been doing since I realised the error of my ways.
I realised that I had lead myself and others a merry dance, to lose faith in oneself to that extent is very painful, to feel as though you have lead others to believe in you and that their faith is misplaced even more so. Since I can only work with what is in front of me I can only hope to make amends in this life, if not in the next. The answers to the questions I've been asking were in me all along. They were and are that I have been suffering over the last three years or so from the after effects of a great and terrible thing that happened to me, along with my own desire to answer long held questions.
Somehow much of what i was inspired to write in this period, and over the years made sense to some, much of it, along the lines of spiritual traditions, inspired as I was by the things I've read and those I've experienced, the places and people I was drawn to and the things I've seen and done in that time.
I recognise the ways in which I have been here before, smaller versions of this period, cycles.
I am and have been a ridiculous man, full of confidence, now lacking it almost entirely.
Hoping not to get carried away ever again by my self belief, by my fears.
To face one day the end of life like every one else does.
I've never understood life, maybe I never will.
It takes its toll, I feel like a whining baby.
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