Missgivings - Game of thrones

Miss Givings

Keeping good habits, early to bed, but late to rise, not making me anything but too well rested, although at least I have felt that feeling again, the shiver down the spine, the sense of feeling something again, connection, sometimes there's even a smile upon my face again, not humouring someone.  Pains in the extremities, going for a scan on my shoulder, facing growing older.

I need routine again, facing mortality, the fact that everyone around seems to spend a lot of time at the doctors, when I never have, they all take pills when I never do, did, will like to.  Need to take my mind off my mind, hearing the same things I used to think were ridiculous lies.

I took it all with a pinch of salt and doubted so much, sneered and jeered and then it happened.

Two items apported, apports, appearing beneath my pillow, like a bequeath from another place.

I gave those apports away to my loves, my little brother and my little sister I believe.

The days of the last few years melt into each other, I have done things I now regret.

Seen the days ahead as vague imaginings, saw the future a short n sweet nothing.

Now I see it as stretching out, seeing the lies amongst the truths I held to be,

self evident, this all is fabled nonsense now and I can't hurt those close.

Can't see them how I saw them then, I miss them but I can't be, don't feel like the same man.

I wanted to be a part of something, I dreamed beyond the sleeping time, into the days.

I dreamed my whole life, always disappointed by the reality that came into view.

Now I see that I have become a folly of a fool, I have a burden to bear now.

The truth, and yes the light shines onto those dark corners of my mind.

Shame is ever present, I can't go back, I would wish it for others,

a different past, a different future, but alas I can't see it.

It will never come to pass, I cannot though I try to will it.

I would rather carry on now and try to find some way forward.

Something I can do to make some recompense, recommence forth.

All I can do is continue on the path that is set out now, get out now.

Tarry onwards and upwards, taking everything I was, am, will be on.

Into the new days, every one a reminder of my failure to be that which,

I had dreamt of for so many years, I said so many things about others so,

many, so many nights I cried myself to sleep, saw in many others the sheep.

Not in myself the wolf that I see now, I did the best I could not to perhaps...

So off to bed before I let my errant ways come back and after all the others

make so much noise so late and so early to rise thank goodness I can drift,

back off again, thank goodness, I would love to reconnect knowing the error of my ways
knowing that to feel something now would be a blessing not the curse I thought it was.

That shiver down the spine, what I saw in others when I was growing up, and wished for.

Others have changed so much and I have learnt so little really of the things we all should.

Feeling so out of my depth, so incapable, I need to find a place, a space to learn, to grow.

To find out some way of getting by because I don't seem to somehow naturally know.

It all seems so easy when you try, once you've risked getting things wrong, worked.

Happy Birthday

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