originally from december 2010 to january 2011 when i was loving a pen friend from the states, not recent but the sentiments are pretty gud still

I've removed slushy (ok even slushier) first and last paragraphs for mine and your benefits ;-)















A man is just an animal with a bigger brain.
He thinks about things nature does on instinct.
The more he thinks the less clear things become.

You've told me so many good things about me that I never knew or would ever believe unless they had come from your finger tips. I've been scared for so long to let someone get this close and wanted it at the same time just as badly. I feel like a fool in love, but I don't want to be, a fool that is.

My poor brain is bored being home.
It's running wild with thoughts of you.
And my imagination is free, it has no limits or boundaries.

It takes a ride down unlit back-roads and enters areas that it has no business being in.
Tell me when I'm being a jerk, and I'll try not to get so scared.

I don't like excuses, I like reasons... But anything else I say will just sound like an excuse or self pity, I prefer to call them reasons but they're the same thing ;)

You've opened up areas of me that were off limits to anyone else
You've made me realise what a waste I've made of opportunities in the past
You've let me see the person I always wanted to be but never had the courage

Two years ago, I was bored with life. I had cleared the debts from trying to set myself up in business 6 years before (back when I worked in Computers). By that time, with nothing to lose I wanted to run away from that nothingness. I felt desperate and lonely, I'd chosen to remove the bad influences from my life, the Boss who stole from our clients, the friends who just wanted to party but never had anything interesting to say for themselves. I felt empty, I was always chasing the Best Night Out, a repeat performance of old times. I couldn't find it, the people I met empty of any value in themselves, just shadows.

So I'd quit my job, I'd quit my friends, I had nothing. That's either the end of everything good and bad or the start of something better. For me it was the something better that I've always been after.

Slowly I rebuilt my life from the ground up, travelled, met new friends and strangers too in Spain who restored my faith in the basic kindness of people that I was convinced no longer existed. All the time in the wilderness of office work I had never dreamed I would actually feel like being important to someone again (who could feel that for me too). I'd met girls, who took my fancy and for a time there was something, possibilities... but nothing real and then you came along and turned my world upside down.

I always felt different in some way, when I was growing up. The world is such a harsh and seemingly unforgiving place. I never had the hard shell to protect me that others did, I had to create that but fake it.

Other people have their shells intact whereas mine has been at least partially destroyed, I've sought out ways to do this, to destroy the ego and prevent barriers from keeping me from the special people in my life.

Always inside was this kid who just wanted to be loved and to love, without the angst and frustrations that other people always display. I've not had much practise, I guess I'm still that kid fumbling around and making mistakes. It's why I told you I never want to be careless with your heart.

They say that "You only hurt the ones you love". I never understood that, beyond the fact that it's only those you love that you can hurt to a greater extent. They're the ones who have let you get close enough to do so, and they're the only ones who can forgive such actions. But what a burden, to let someone have that power over you. I don't want this to become one of those sick and twisted power struggles, a battle of wills or egos.

Another question I asked myself in the past. "Surely there's more to life than this?"
I know some answers to that one, I won't bore you with them now, I want you to be part of mine...

---

Burn Notice
Back to the grindstone next week hopefully. work i mean not play...

Light &amp amp up the lights of your life ;)
Love
JW
x