is there something about depression that makes you self centered? Something about addiction that makes you selfish and greedy? Some about circumstances that can ruin even the best outlook?
I don't know the answer to those but I know I've ruined my own comfortable little lookout.
Over the past few weeks, to a lesser extent now that I'm feeling at least almost useful again, I was having negative thoughts cropup, annoyingly so. Also in the silence here at home, a noise has arisen. Sounds like an engine far away, or something booming, or something that is fucking annoying anyway, all day and all night. Of course it's easier to notice it at night when there is less of other noise around, but if it's quiet and I'm trying to meditate or just relax, I think of it and listen for nothingness it and it's there instead. Whether something locally has gone 24hr, or whether there is a noise which seems quite regular pounding away inside my head, well I don't know that either. There is a possibility that the noise was there all along but that I've noticed it and can't unnotice it now if that makes sense.
All I do know is that I'm not giving in, but I'm spending as much time as possible relaxing, finding other people not coming to mind as often. I'm less others focussed, and I don't like it.
I think about getting in touch with someone and I'll chicken out or change my mind. Can't make up my mind at the best of times, the more options the worse it is, so I always went with how I felt. Only thing is I've become unsure of myself, find it hard to just be, because just being me had lead me to so many mistakes that I've made before. Feels very similar to the way I felt a few years ago.
Have these two conflicting, huh duality again eh?, ways of doing things...
The old and the new
Feel like there's a world of opportunity that I'm missing.
Feel like I don't want to do anything.
Feel like I haven't got a plan.
A clue.
Anything solid anymore.
Grasping not for meaning anymore but rather just an anchor
Found it too hard to reconcile the differences between different traditions.
Just trying to be good and hope that's enough
havent gone back to the bad old days
just skirted the edges
waiting on a miracle
waiting for a sign
waiting for some direction
hoping something feels good feels right feels like something I'd like to do rather than something someone else is doing that I'll just tag along with
Slogging out the days
Where's all my love gone for life?
Where's my enthusiasm?
Have I just lost the plot?
Lost my character?
My personality is the same but his attitude stinks
Stop over thinking
Make some decisions
Choose a direction
Risk feeling like an idiot again
risk actually enjoying myself
most of the things I dread aren't that bad
Will things get more novel now? and more and more? and just mooooorrrreeeee?
Trying to see whether I should use this time to heal myself or whether pushing on is the way I get healed, connecting out, being the person I was, going on missions that I'm scared of again.
Was it just a long way up to fall from?
When will I feel like myself again?
Will I ever be free of those old habits?
I suppose I keep wondering if I'm worth knowing and it doesn't matter what other people say, because I know what I am like inside, if I feel bad and don't want to let someone else make me feel better why should I?
I'm the cheerer upper, not the other way around.
It's not even as if I feel like I've been let down by others... I'm not angry I'm disappointed.
Will I feel better when I've paid people what I owe them?
When will it ever end?
Will something happen in december?
Am I going to break out of this vicious cycle?
Find somewhere to start over, live a different way.
Have a space for friends, for me.
How do I juggle all those things?
I don't feel like being the happy helpful guy who is sorted himself so likes to keep an eye out for everyone else while at the same time having lots of fun myself...
I feel like the guy who needs a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me while I sob out my own shit, somewhere to go where I just become well by breathing their air, eating their food, drinking their water, working when I feel better... And then I realise there is not that much shit.
Just me facing up to the fact that one day I'll be fucked because there wont be anyone around to look after me when I get into a state, or to bail me out when I end up out of work.
I've actually been thinking how much better all the shit jobs I gave up were than the one I'm doing.
Too much time to think, I need to be busy and then things will just fit into place.
I'll gradually feel better day by day.
My healing will be complete.
And then I'll fuck up cos I'll get all happy and forget what I'm doing,
I never was much good at coordination or multi tasking,
I tended to focus solely on what I was doing to the detriment of everything and everyone else.
Improving slowly on that one, some things have become much easier.
However it does tend to be he or she who shouts loudest who gets my attention.
At the moment it's me shouting at myself so hard it hurts.
I don't need this much time or attention from me.
I need to grow up for fucks sake.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Monday, 26 March 2012
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Hmmmmmmm and Hearse
Him and Hers
So quickly going past the fact that I went from zero to hero to zero to .99 oh no not even Jon 1.0 even. I guess it's confidence, and I used to have it now and then. Working is helping although it drags cos there's nothing to do and I wanted to be busy, but then I'm struggling cos I'm not fit. Then the mother and wife of the two blokes I was supposed to be working with dies suddenly. Perspective regained. Although I still spent long hours thinking how to get out of this trap. I did my best to be doing something all day but that gets tiring too, trying to look busy. They both seem like ok guys, soemthing about she was used to drinking half a bottle of vodka a night described as 'she liked a drink'... Hmmmm and hearse but no hired cars she'd want to do it cheap.
I supposed that I was silly to expect to carry on feeling an almost eerie calm in moments and perhaps that was it, I was so in the minute, not looking too far ahead, not building things up to much worse in the weeks before something, anything was coming up. So nervous about everything, anxious about nothing, because most things went really smoothly. My Dad used to say things like 'I think I prefer it when he's miserable' when I was really happy and positive about life, although maybe I was annoyingly cheerful, I don't know. Words have a lot of power, I hear people say things I can't believe they mean all the time, and yet when questioned, they'd say things like 'They know I'm only joking'. When it comes to the way that women are treated and men too in our so called society, there's a bias towards verbal norms. When you speak the truth all the time, others will say things like 'you can't say that'. I can and I just did ;)
I'd go from introverted, never contacts anyone...
To extroverted, always around with someone...
As for my comfort zone that was definately people I knew well already.
Not good in new company, liked to keep a low profile if I could evade the stories from coming out to play straight away. By the time I spoke to a woman we were already friends.
Or the standard 'How old do you think Jon is?' as I was between a few years older than most of my mates and my current best buds are ten years younger or so. I never saw age as an impediment or restriction. People should know people of all ages. We're supposed to spend time with older and younger humans, socialise with everyone and break down the barriers we place in the way of having a really good chin wag.
I used to find it hard to have a conversation. I'd avoid them if I could. You'd say hi, I'd say hi, you'd say how are you? I'd say fine thanks. That was it. Because I was nervous, I'd panic, want to get away. Didn't trust people, why do they want to know where I live? Strangers on a plane that kind of thing. I opened up a little more all the time.
Then I was blown wide open, and with a profound sense of love.
That started with me, and was all I was interested in.
Giving that out in as many ways to as many people as possible.
Visiting an aunt for the first time.
Picking and sending another crabapples cos she loves them.
Going places and meeting up with people I barely know?!? wtf?
Driving around Bristol! Yeah Bristol! and avonmouth and allover everywhere and gloucester and three in the morning and on my own as usual and lost as always and finding somewhere when I trust myself or forget to care and just turn the right way and loving life, never fearing anything.
And then boom. Pride comes before a fall? Heyyyy! I wasn't humble enough, diciplined anough, ready enough. I was a bit overexcited to have had such a good year and met so many wonderful people and to be feeling in the flow all the time and all sorts of things happening to me with some of those people, little things like a bit of flirting, or even just a really nice moment to remember, or doing a good deed like twenty times a night and having loads done back to me and yay I managed to keep on an even keel, I haven't driven when I was unsafe to drive, I've passed so many tests, a few breathylisers, well two is a couple, a few is usually more than two but hey whose counting? Haven't done anything sillier than I've ever done before, let myself back into life having spent two years slowing re-entering all sorts of different spheres and scenes. Slowly getting back in touch with friends after dropping everyone and everything.
So I have loads to be thankful for, I love you Mum, and Dad.
And Nina.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
And the dogs
and the world
and everyone
and everything
is still so murky
but I'm feeling slowly
more positive and clearer
knowing though exactly what
it is and was that I need to quit
and this time I haven't sworn off
women for good, at all, which is nice
I haven't left myself much wiggle room
I gotta work hard and somehow get into the
kind of work that would make me happy and smile
instead of leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth of
recycled plastic and dust from hanger 42 at Ex Mod Base
I had a courageous and fearless attitude before I crashed down after I took off
I gotta get that back, feel it believe it, see myself some miracles again
Feel the magic feelings again, get some more sights and sounds
Relax a bit more again, go with the flow again
Take it easy, with time flying and gliding
But always, joyously landing
all around me and all of us.
That's my goal.
Oh and that thing where you're really suffering and instead of geting in touch with someone, you're feeling so shit you don't even want people to see you, or to see people, and so ashamed and lonely and depressed and cos no-one comes around it gets worse and then you end up working yourself into a right tizzy of a lather of a panic of a everyone hates or just doesn't care or wishes I was dead or thinks I'm a horrible person or blah blah blah etc etc thingamydoojameflip
Yeah that. Shit isn't it?
:) I let you down
I let myself down
i let everyone down, not really but in a way.
I got scared and with my imagination, everything can become very scary or very wonderful
It got truly scary as I actually gave some ideas the possibility of being true, and then I was convinced. Good con game. Make everything available and the truth the hardest to find.
You search and you learn and then the negative spin on so many things and the truth feeling so near and then so far and then unfindable so you know it's gonna take a lot to find.
So you give up. But it's taken over your life. No t.v. but thats a good thing. No money but that's a good thing, ish, not at the moment or for the last three months but one day it would be a good thing. For now it's a shit thing. Erm yeah err no entertainment but I don't miss any of it.
I thought a few years ago, well if I was on my death bed, would I complain that I missed the last this episode of a show or that film at the cinema. And I can honestly say I don't, I miss what they represent. People. Laughing together, crying together, being together.
I want company. I'm bored of doing everything alone. But I must say that going to places where people are accepting of everyone, really spoils you for the normal every day world. If you let it.
I started to see the world differently and then got stuck back into an old routine. And then floundered.
I'm getting better though.
Gradually.
Feeling very normal though.
Just realising that to start to believe in lots of good things being possible and then seeing them happen before my very eyes became a new habit. I got scared because I saw greater and greater challenges in my future, and just got even more scared when I realised it meant doing things I would never have even considered when I was younger, and drawn back there I became myself when I was 16, thinking about joining a meditation class in Malmesbury, I would have be so disciplined by now, so calm and steady. Well, I'm putting in the hard graft again, I lost my monthly celebration / visual feast on the Full Moon because of my own stupidity (and having so much fun in the summer / autumn and going to party's all the time, instead of saving money for picking trips. The full moon / lime juice combination (3x to 5x the effects, a third to a quarter the duration) really showed me a joined up world, energy fields around plants, my friend and I both saw phantom limbs on felled trees together, vortexes of kolaidascopes of coloured light coming from the Moon, like squinting into a diamond with the sun behind it.
I've made a decision to put off any plans to build anything, but as I have very few interests these days, except those that I can't seem to get into apart from nature, knowing I'll be working all summer to pay back what I owe, and yet I want to ride a horse at least once this year so I've got to do that cos I made myself a promise and now I've written it down too. Maybe I can trade my skills for lessons.
I'll work in your garden or give you a head neck shoulder massage or foot massage in return.
Hourly rate is £10 normally or a donation based on what it's worth to you or your ability to pay.
Gotta go give my Mum a hug and tell her I love you
Well, I gotta get my hugs somewhere
and I don't think I've said it before
so let's see if I gotta lotta bottle
Ooh I love a challenge
Don't dare me
ever
cos im a coward and I'll find a reason why what you want me to do is wrong and get out of it
cos I'm not ready for this and can't face your expectations and then i crumble
ohh shit it's like I can't lie anymore again
thats a start, let's hope the rest if coming back to me
knuckle down, work hard
mind, get in shape
mind, lost the weight
mind, how I go
mind, over matter
mind, my manners
mind, i speak up for myself but not too much
when i get so self concious i can't make up my mind
i cant just be myself cos thats wrong in a good way or a bad one
or there's something I'm not good at yet or worked out yet or something else
about life i havent realised cos i'm blinkered and daft as a brush and sensible too much
and then tired and exhausted or soooo fucking lazy
or cant help wanting to do nothing
feeling like it's a wash in me
errr if i had the money this
err if i had this or that
err blah blah
stopmoaning
thanks for sharing
blah blah
thanks for sharing
blah
thanks for sharing
bl
thanks for sharing
ah the silence of no mind
;)
So quickly going past the fact that I went from zero to hero to zero to .99 oh no not even Jon 1.0 even. I guess it's confidence, and I used to have it now and then. Working is helping although it drags cos there's nothing to do and I wanted to be busy, but then I'm struggling cos I'm not fit. Then the mother and wife of the two blokes I was supposed to be working with dies suddenly. Perspective regained. Although I still spent long hours thinking how to get out of this trap. I did my best to be doing something all day but that gets tiring too, trying to look busy. They both seem like ok guys, soemthing about she was used to drinking half a bottle of vodka a night described as 'she liked a drink'... Hmmmm and hearse but no hired cars she'd want to do it cheap.
I supposed that I was silly to expect to carry on feeling an almost eerie calm in moments and perhaps that was it, I was so in the minute, not looking too far ahead, not building things up to much worse in the weeks before something, anything was coming up. So nervous about everything, anxious about nothing, because most things went really smoothly. My Dad used to say things like 'I think I prefer it when he's miserable' when I was really happy and positive about life, although maybe I was annoyingly cheerful, I don't know. Words have a lot of power, I hear people say things I can't believe they mean all the time, and yet when questioned, they'd say things like 'They know I'm only joking'. When it comes to the way that women are treated and men too in our so called society, there's a bias towards verbal norms. When you speak the truth all the time, others will say things like 'you can't say that'. I can and I just did ;)
I'd go from introverted, never contacts anyone...
To extroverted, always around with someone...
As for my comfort zone that was definately people I knew well already.
Not good in new company, liked to keep a low profile if I could evade the stories from coming out to play straight away. By the time I spoke to a woman we were already friends.
Or the standard 'How old do you think Jon is?' as I was between a few years older than most of my mates and my current best buds are ten years younger or so. I never saw age as an impediment or restriction. People should know people of all ages. We're supposed to spend time with older and younger humans, socialise with everyone and break down the barriers we place in the way of having a really good chin wag.
I used to find it hard to have a conversation. I'd avoid them if I could. You'd say hi, I'd say hi, you'd say how are you? I'd say fine thanks. That was it. Because I was nervous, I'd panic, want to get away. Didn't trust people, why do they want to know where I live? Strangers on a plane that kind of thing. I opened up a little more all the time.
Then I was blown wide open, and with a profound sense of love.
That started with me, and was all I was interested in.
Giving that out in as many ways to as many people as possible.
Visiting an aunt for the first time.
Picking and sending another crabapples cos she loves them.
Going places and meeting up with people I barely know?!? wtf?
Driving around Bristol! Yeah Bristol! and avonmouth and allover everywhere and gloucester and three in the morning and on my own as usual and lost as always and finding somewhere when I trust myself or forget to care and just turn the right way and loving life, never fearing anything.
And then boom. Pride comes before a fall? Heyyyy! I wasn't humble enough, diciplined anough, ready enough. I was a bit overexcited to have had such a good year and met so many wonderful people and to be feeling in the flow all the time and all sorts of things happening to me with some of those people, little things like a bit of flirting, or even just a really nice moment to remember, or doing a good deed like twenty times a night and having loads done back to me and yay I managed to keep on an even keel, I haven't driven when I was unsafe to drive, I've passed so many tests, a few breathylisers, well two is a couple, a few is usually more than two but hey whose counting? Haven't done anything sillier than I've ever done before, let myself back into life having spent two years slowing re-entering all sorts of different spheres and scenes. Slowly getting back in touch with friends after dropping everyone and everything.
So I have loads to be thankful for, I love you Mum, and Dad.
And Nina.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
And the dogs
and the world
and everyone
and everything
is still so murky
but I'm feeling slowly
more positive and clearer
knowing though exactly what
it is and was that I need to quit
and this time I haven't sworn off
women for good, at all, which is nice
I haven't left myself much wiggle room
I gotta work hard and somehow get into the
kind of work that would make me happy and smile
instead of leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth of
recycled plastic and dust from hanger 42 at Ex Mod Base
I had a courageous and fearless attitude before I crashed down after I took off
I gotta get that back, feel it believe it, see myself some miracles again
Feel the magic feelings again, get some more sights and sounds
Relax a bit more again, go with the flow again
Take it easy, with time flying and gliding
But always, joyously landing
all around me and all of us.
That's my goal.
Oh and that thing where you're really suffering and instead of geting in touch with someone, you're feeling so shit you don't even want people to see you, or to see people, and so ashamed and lonely and depressed and cos no-one comes around it gets worse and then you end up working yourself into a right tizzy of a lather of a panic of a everyone hates or just doesn't care or wishes I was dead or thinks I'm a horrible person or blah blah blah etc etc thingamydoojameflip
Yeah that. Shit isn't it?
:) I let you down
I let myself down
i let everyone down, not really but in a way.
I got scared and with my imagination, everything can become very scary or very wonderful
It got truly scary as I actually gave some ideas the possibility of being true, and then I was convinced. Good con game. Make everything available and the truth the hardest to find.
You search and you learn and then the negative spin on so many things and the truth feeling so near and then so far and then unfindable so you know it's gonna take a lot to find.
So you give up. But it's taken over your life. No t.v. but thats a good thing. No money but that's a good thing, ish, not at the moment or for the last three months but one day it would be a good thing. For now it's a shit thing. Erm yeah err no entertainment but I don't miss any of it.
I thought a few years ago, well if I was on my death bed, would I complain that I missed the last this episode of a show or that film at the cinema. And I can honestly say I don't, I miss what they represent. People. Laughing together, crying together, being together.
I want company. I'm bored of doing everything alone. But I must say that going to places where people are accepting of everyone, really spoils you for the normal every day world. If you let it.
I started to see the world differently and then got stuck back into an old routine. And then floundered.
I'm getting better though.
Gradually.
Feeling very normal though.
Just realising that to start to believe in lots of good things being possible and then seeing them happen before my very eyes became a new habit. I got scared because I saw greater and greater challenges in my future, and just got even more scared when I realised it meant doing things I would never have even considered when I was younger, and drawn back there I became myself when I was 16, thinking about joining a meditation class in Malmesbury, I would have be so disciplined by now, so calm and steady. Well, I'm putting in the hard graft again, I lost my monthly celebration / visual feast on the Full Moon because of my own stupidity (and having so much fun in the summer / autumn and going to party's all the time, instead of saving money for picking trips. The full moon / lime juice combination (3x to 5x the effects, a third to a quarter the duration) really showed me a joined up world, energy fields around plants, my friend and I both saw phantom limbs on felled trees together, vortexes of kolaidascopes of coloured light coming from the Moon, like squinting into a diamond with the sun behind it.
I've made a decision to put off any plans to build anything, but as I have very few interests these days, except those that I can't seem to get into apart from nature, knowing I'll be working all summer to pay back what I owe, and yet I want to ride a horse at least once this year so I've got to do that cos I made myself a promise and now I've written it down too. Maybe I can trade my skills for lessons.
I'll work in your garden or give you a head neck shoulder massage or foot massage in return.
Hourly rate is £10 normally or a donation based on what it's worth to you or your ability to pay.
Gotta go give my Mum a hug and tell her I love you
Well, I gotta get my hugs somewhere
and I don't think I've said it before
so let's see if I gotta lotta bottle
Ooh I love a challenge
Don't dare me
ever
cos im a coward and I'll find a reason why what you want me to do is wrong and get out of it
cos I'm not ready for this and can't face your expectations and then i crumble
ohh shit it's like I can't lie anymore again
thats a start, let's hope the rest if coming back to me
knuckle down, work hard
mind, get in shape
mind, lost the weight
mind, how I go
mind, over matter
mind, my manners
mind, i speak up for myself but not too much
when i get so self concious i can't make up my mind
i cant just be myself cos thats wrong in a good way or a bad one
or there's something I'm not good at yet or worked out yet or something else
about life i havent realised cos i'm blinkered and daft as a brush and sensible too much
and then tired and exhausted or soooo fucking lazy
or cant help wanting to do nothing
feeling like it's a wash in me
errr if i had the money this
err if i had this or that
err blah blah
stopmoaning
thanks for sharing
blah blah
thanks for sharing
blah
thanks for sharing
bl
thanks for sharing
ah the silence of no mind
;)
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Strange Goings On Down at the Circle K Bill
Well that was awful, he says hoping it's all over now.
Been so down but I guess three seriously diverting issues at once can be draining.
There was my whole outlook on life and spirituality, the resurgence of old issues and habits and finally day to day so called normality type things like working.
I've got a job and start on monday.
In a few weeks time I'll get paid and can start to pay off my debts.
Lots of things seem to resonate from the past.
Issues with our tenancy, issues with my own shyness and anxiety.
Feeling like used to feel all the time, in such contrast to how I felt in the middle of last year and for long periods over the past several.
I suppose I was getting so used to feeling positive all the time, so used to feeling good, so used to being in the moment...
I've worked hard and am still trying my best but it seems like I could do with some help.
Trying to find like minded people is not easy, I've never been any good at putting myself out there.
It's been hard enough to just do the normal stuff and realise that I was dreaming last year.
So caught up in new ways of seeing and being in the world that I lost sight of my own struggle.
So profoundly changed by the intervention of others in my life that I didn't take stock.
Let things slide, lost a job, took old roads and became so unethusiastic about everything.
The weird part is that the things that scare me the most are always the right ones.
As much as I fear falling back into old ways, the new folks I know are different.
Some are willing to intervene and actually help me.
I'll knuckle down and earn money and pay off.
Whilst constantly trying to find again that inner peace.
Working harder in my own time to produce a change.
Recognising a similar mind set to the way I felt before I challenged myself.
Seeing that I needed to face the new bigger tests with courage not fear.
Try to find my way back to the way things were before I jumped in with both feet.
Face up to those things deep within, old thoughts and feelings.
Old stresses, pressures I put on myself.
Remember that focussing on others is always a great relief to the self.
It's such a rollercoaster but being able not to slide into unconciousness helps
I don't resort to losing myself, I don't shy away, got to fight, to love, to learn
It feels worse at the time but afterwards it's so much nicer
I could do with as much good will as you can muster.
And I'll keep sending mine out and hoping.
Wishing you all the best of everything.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Been so down but I guess three seriously diverting issues at once can be draining.
There was my whole outlook on life and spirituality, the resurgence of old issues and habits and finally day to day so called normality type things like working.
I've got a job and start on monday.
In a few weeks time I'll get paid and can start to pay off my debts.
Lots of things seem to resonate from the past.
Issues with our tenancy, issues with my own shyness and anxiety.
Feeling like used to feel all the time, in such contrast to how I felt in the middle of last year and for long periods over the past several.
I suppose I was getting so used to feeling positive all the time, so used to feeling good, so used to being in the moment...
I've worked hard and am still trying my best but it seems like I could do with some help.
Trying to find like minded people is not easy, I've never been any good at putting myself out there.
It's been hard enough to just do the normal stuff and realise that I was dreaming last year.
So caught up in new ways of seeing and being in the world that I lost sight of my own struggle.
So profoundly changed by the intervention of others in my life that I didn't take stock.
Let things slide, lost a job, took old roads and became so unethusiastic about everything.
The weird part is that the things that scare me the most are always the right ones.
As much as I fear falling back into old ways, the new folks I know are different.
Some are willing to intervene and actually help me.
I'll knuckle down and earn money and pay off.
Whilst constantly trying to find again that inner peace.
Working harder in my own time to produce a change.
Recognising a similar mind set to the way I felt before I challenged myself.
Seeing that I needed to face the new bigger tests with courage not fear.
Try to find my way back to the way things were before I jumped in with both feet.
Face up to those things deep within, old thoughts and feelings.
Old stresses, pressures I put on myself.
Remember that focussing on others is always a great relief to the self.
It's such a rollercoaster but being able not to slide into unconciousness helps
I don't resort to losing myself, I don't shy away, got to fight, to love, to learn
It feels worse at the time but afterwards it's so much nicer
I could do with as much good will as you can muster.
And I'll keep sending mine out and hoping.
Wishing you all the best of everything.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Being stood on the shoulders by giants
Has the sense that as hard as I try in the environment I am in to transform the way things are done, that there's just too much resistance for me to deal with. It seems so hard to make any headway. Whether it's because I'm holding out for something better than I've had before, something that fits me and the world I'd like to see more. I don't know but it feels soul destroying to have to keep finding ways of living that revolve around making other people rich. I don't want to be and the way I work and live doesn't suit the idea of me having lots of money. Enough would be enough. I'm trying to create something old and new, taking the best of both worlds and creating something vibrant. In a place that hasn't changed appreciably in a very long time.
Swhy I keep coming back to the idea of just giving up and getting the heck outta here.
And then little by little there are signs, in the people, in the area.
Just enough to keep me hoping... and then
I have to get a regular job and stick with it all summer to the detriment of my own fledgling plans and another year will have gone by without any of the improvements I want to make.
It's so hard to try when everything in my past tells me not to.
Every time I've made an effort, it fell flat, or blew up in my face.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Harder and harder still.
Like I'm out of time, not run out but been sent back here.
Always singing the next line of the song before this one is out.
A friend of mine and I have come up with all sorts of things before they came out.
The digital photo frame to name one. Although our idea went on so that it was waterproofed with a radio for use in the bathroom ;)
When I'm with really inspiring people there's no end to the ideas that flow...
and then I have to try to create them in the so called realworld.
And that sucks balls.
Fair play to anyone with the tenacity to keep going, keep trying.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Swhy I keep coming back to the idea of just giving up and getting the heck outta here.
And then little by little there are signs, in the people, in the area.
Just enough to keep me hoping... and then
I have to get a regular job and stick with it all summer to the detriment of my own fledgling plans and another year will have gone by without any of the improvements I want to make.
It's so hard to try when everything in my past tells me not to.
Every time I've made an effort, it fell flat, or blew up in my face.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Harder and harder still.
Like I'm out of time, not run out but been sent back here.
Always singing the next line of the song before this one is out.
A friend of mine and I have come up with all sorts of things before they came out.
The digital photo frame to name one. Although our idea went on so that it was waterproofed with a radio for use in the bathroom ;)
When I'm with really inspiring people there's no end to the ideas that flow...
and then I have to try to create them in the so called realworld.
And that sucks balls.
Fair play to anyone with the tenacity to keep going, keep trying.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Friday, 24 February 2012
Spiritually Speaking
As hard as I've worked and searched for answers to my own questions like :-
What is the meaning of life?
Why are we here?
Who are we?
There really are some quite easy ways to start to answer these questions...
I've been to some interesting psychological landscapes within my own mind but I didn't have to.
I wanted to. I yearn to understand, perhaps a little more than most other people do.
Partly because I've always had the sneaking suspicion that I was supposed to.
What I've found is that there are a lot of conflicting opinions out there.
So many that it can become confusing and at times frustrating.
The simple answer is that two methods I have found work.
Chanting the Hare Krishna Maha Mantra and Magic Mushrooms (Psilocybin)
I chanted the mantra for the waking hours of seven days straight, went to dinner, met some new friends (whilst on the first week of a spiritual pilgrimage in Spain), drank half a bottle of red wine, went to bed.
I was then awoken at two-ish in the morning, not wanting a piss ;) but with a strange and very comforting experience unfolding. A voice said you are nothing special but you ARE unique. I wasn't hearing it in my ears but in my head. Now you might say that was a sign of madness, hearing voices woo woo. But I had asked for this, I had worked hard, although to be honest I'd just given up smoking so the chanting really took my mind off the cravings and any nervousness I would have felt about setting off to a foreign country on my own for the first time.
I can't remember the specific details but I got the feeling that I was being thanked for trying.
It was like I was being told to calm down because I was neither the most important thing in creation or the least. Almost like a levelling effect, if you think you're all that then you're not and if you think you're nothing then you're not that either... Don't be too hard on yourself. You are going to spend your life in service to others. Didn't sound too bad, and in fact everything I've ever done has revolved around sorting out problems for others or the environment. So that was pretty bizarre, in fact it coloured the rest of my journey as I kind of felt cheated that it had happened for me so soon and wanted more, only I wasn't prepared to chant from then on. I was meeting too many wonderful people and spending my days working through all sorts of shit from my past and making new friends and just being and feeling better and better, instead of constantly wondering if I was worthwhile.
The Mushroom journeys, I undertook after spending a long time researching the subject.
An enterprise and its continuing voyage to go where many women and men have gone before ;)
I didn't enter into that process lightly, or for fun. I wanted to see if they were as strong a medecine as I'd been lead to believe. Another great leveller, as someone who has always had doubts about my own worth, it really gave me more confidence and there were periods of a few minutes to a few hours where I cried and cried (which sounds a lot but in a lifetime two to four hours in total is not that much really). Not hysterically or even sobbing uncontrollably, just really crying out everything I was holding on to, tears streaming down my face and an overwhelming feeling of release and relief from angst. I have been healed to a great extent since then and have lost weight, receieved lots of wonderful experiences and also know that it's all a journey, that there is work to be done there. And lots of fun too because done in the right way it can open your eyes to things you've never seen before, make you laugh, enjoy other peoples company and lose your inhibitions. I've spent long periods of my life alone, growing up as a child, through school and being deserted by friends to the attentions of bullies, made me very untrusting and sceptical about the worth of being around other people. I don't feel that way anymore at all, although I do still value my own space...
Then I spiked myself at a festival and lost 8-9 hours ;( Of those I only have vague memories totalling somewhere between a few seconds and barely a few minutes. I had eaten some hash cake earlier that morning and then took a synthetic psychedelic. They ramped up the effects of both, basically sent me flying off into the who knows where. The last thing I remember is dancing in the middle of the day, the next was waking up in a tent at night. I'd been cared for by a good new friend and some very nice people who specialise in these sorts of things. If they hadn't been there I can imagine that I would have been sent to hospital and probably sedated.
That's what we do to people who are ranting and raving. We see them as mad and medicate them so that they can't hurt themselves or anyone else. However the truth is that if you let the process that is underway, continue to its natural conclusion, with love and tenderness, it resolves itself more often than not. The worse the situation, the longer it takes...
I say that if we let the people we call insane, talk themselves out of it, they'd all be fine.
To make our lives easier what we do is turn them into drugged up zombies who are never allowed to express any of the things that makes us consider them out of the ordinary.
Or as we like to say about a fart round these parts... "Better out than in"
my old boss used to say, "Better an empty house than a bad tenant".
Those days are long gone. I haven't and I don't intend to get into that state again. Although to be fair I was silly enough recently to think that I could go from being pretty down at the time and somehow improve that situation by taking LSD. I wanted to 'get out of it'. Get out of my own bloody way, lose myself which is why we tend to want to get off our faces in the first place. It would have made much more sense for me to just deal with my own shit, rather than expect a strong medecine like that to improve my mood. Mood, setup and setting are very important. Outside influences even without meaning to can make things a lot worse. I made another mistake that I paid for that night and for the next few weeks of recrimination. It was psychologically stressful then and afterwards and put a whole different slant on what I was going through, in fact I'm fairly sure it made the last few weeks worse than necessary. However, having come out the other side, I've learnt much more than I would have done, just stupidly and a harder way than I needed to. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment, learning lessons as soon as possible rather than letting things drag on. It's a balancing act, it takes practise to know and trust yourself in those situations. I fucked up a little bit and it didn't help that I was experiencing a period of losing faith in myself over the course of the last few months anyway.
It had been my honour to spend two hours plus at a previous summer festival, talking down another psychonaut with my friends help. He was under the impression that the DJ was telling him to do things and was frankly very annoying. The first few times he came over to where we were sitting down on the grass, I just wanted him to go away in fact. Then the instinct came into my mind that I needed to intervene, this was a test. My friend supported him and cradled and stroked his head, while I held his hand and spoke to him about normal things, asked him his name, where he was from, until he gradually calmed to the point of wanting to go back to his friends. That occasion it was an LSD trip he was on (the stuff around these days is really very strong) and I would describe his demeanor and state as a psychotic break. Transpired that he had quit his office job and was retraining as a psychiactric nurse, what an irony.
I will continue to prescribe myself mushrooms as medecine. The positive effects on mood last for up to 8 months or so according to clinical trials happening around the world. I have to wait until the autumn growing season comes round again anyway as I failed to secure enough last year for the winter, spring and summer of this year.
What I discovered overall after my accidental rocket up the arse at a festival, as I slowly came down from what I later described as "the best thing that has ever happened to me" is that it doesn't take drugs to get where we want to go but it can help. However I never want to lose control like that again, to put someone else in the position of having to look after me. On a smaller scale I'd say I've got to the same conclusion where every intoxicant is concerned. I don't like getting drunk, mainly because for me it was always a dangerous tight rope walk between pissed enough to lose my inhibitions and have fun and a blackout leaving me unable to remember wtf went on the night before. Often leading to all sorts of lesser and greater embarrasment, possible injury or death of myself and others or just a bad feeling that lingers because you have no clue what you've been up to. I like to remember what I've been doing. I like to make my own choices, not those of the drug that is influencing me.
Some experiences do require that you put your trust in someone else. For those times you need to find a person/persons that you can rely on, who has had experiences like the one you are about to attempt, in a safe environment, where the outside influences are only going to be good, where no-one will be tempted to take advantage of your state of mind and where you know beforehand that you will be looked after with love and care. That is what I provide.
I've written about all this stuff before but it's been very clear in my mind lately as I worked my way down from an experience that lead me to believe that we are all part of something greater back to feeling like a regular Joe Bloggs, if admittedly with some of those latent talents I'd always assumed everyone has, remaining switched on and the undoubted sense that it is necessary for everyone to come to the understanding that these experiences are our heritage our responsibility, our goal. One way or the other we're all headed to the same destination, whatever route we choose to take.
I am as normal as any of you are, that is what you need to realise.
If there's something wrong with me then it's wrong with you too.
Holding on to the idea that this is all there is, is a very bad joke.
We're more than meets the eye or we've been lead to believe.
If you wanna have a good time drug responsibly ;)
If you want to know more do it the right way.
Luckily for me I'm a hard head with
a soft loving heart to cope...
Find peace of Mind
Body, Spirit & Soul
Love &
Light
Jon
x
What is the meaning of life?
Why are we here?
Who are we?
There really are some quite easy ways to start to answer these questions...
I've been to some interesting psychological landscapes within my own mind but I didn't have to.
I wanted to. I yearn to understand, perhaps a little more than most other people do.
Partly because I've always had the sneaking suspicion that I was supposed to.
What I've found is that there are a lot of conflicting opinions out there.
So many that it can become confusing and at times frustrating.
The simple answer is that two methods I have found work.
Chanting the Hare Krishna Maha Mantra and Magic Mushrooms (Psilocybin)
I chanted the mantra for the waking hours of seven days straight, went to dinner, met some new friends (whilst on the first week of a spiritual pilgrimage in Spain), drank half a bottle of red wine, went to bed.
I was then awoken at two-ish in the morning, not wanting a piss ;) but with a strange and very comforting experience unfolding. A voice said you are nothing special but you ARE unique. I wasn't hearing it in my ears but in my head. Now you might say that was a sign of madness, hearing voices woo woo. But I had asked for this, I had worked hard, although to be honest I'd just given up smoking so the chanting really took my mind off the cravings and any nervousness I would have felt about setting off to a foreign country on my own for the first time.
I can't remember the specific details but I got the feeling that I was being thanked for trying.
It was like I was being told to calm down because I was neither the most important thing in creation or the least. Almost like a levelling effect, if you think you're all that then you're not and if you think you're nothing then you're not that either... Don't be too hard on yourself. You are going to spend your life in service to others. Didn't sound too bad, and in fact everything I've ever done has revolved around sorting out problems for others or the environment. So that was pretty bizarre, in fact it coloured the rest of my journey as I kind of felt cheated that it had happened for me so soon and wanted more, only I wasn't prepared to chant from then on. I was meeting too many wonderful people and spending my days working through all sorts of shit from my past and making new friends and just being and feeling better and better, instead of constantly wondering if I was worthwhile.
The Mushroom journeys, I undertook after spending a long time researching the subject.
An enterprise and its continuing voyage to go where many women and men have gone before ;)
I didn't enter into that process lightly, or for fun. I wanted to see if they were as strong a medecine as I'd been lead to believe. Another great leveller, as someone who has always had doubts about my own worth, it really gave me more confidence and there were periods of a few minutes to a few hours where I cried and cried (which sounds a lot but in a lifetime two to four hours in total is not that much really). Not hysterically or even sobbing uncontrollably, just really crying out everything I was holding on to, tears streaming down my face and an overwhelming feeling of release and relief from angst. I have been healed to a great extent since then and have lost weight, receieved lots of wonderful experiences and also know that it's all a journey, that there is work to be done there. And lots of fun too because done in the right way it can open your eyes to things you've never seen before, make you laugh, enjoy other peoples company and lose your inhibitions. I've spent long periods of my life alone, growing up as a child, through school and being deserted by friends to the attentions of bullies, made me very untrusting and sceptical about the worth of being around other people. I don't feel that way anymore at all, although I do still value my own space...
Then I spiked myself at a festival and lost 8-9 hours ;( Of those I only have vague memories totalling somewhere between a few seconds and barely a few minutes. I had eaten some hash cake earlier that morning and then took a synthetic psychedelic. They ramped up the effects of both, basically sent me flying off into the who knows where. The last thing I remember is dancing in the middle of the day, the next was waking up in a tent at night. I'd been cared for by a good new friend and some very nice people who specialise in these sorts of things. If they hadn't been there I can imagine that I would have been sent to hospital and probably sedated.
That's what we do to people who are ranting and raving. We see them as mad and medicate them so that they can't hurt themselves or anyone else. However the truth is that if you let the process that is underway, continue to its natural conclusion, with love and tenderness, it resolves itself more often than not. The worse the situation, the longer it takes...
I say that if we let the people we call insane, talk themselves out of it, they'd all be fine.
To make our lives easier what we do is turn them into drugged up zombies who are never allowed to express any of the things that makes us consider them out of the ordinary.
Or as we like to say about a fart round these parts... "Better out than in"
my old boss used to say, "Better an empty house than a bad tenant".
Those days are long gone. I haven't and I don't intend to get into that state again. Although to be fair I was silly enough recently to think that I could go from being pretty down at the time and somehow improve that situation by taking LSD. I wanted to 'get out of it'. Get out of my own bloody way, lose myself which is why we tend to want to get off our faces in the first place. It would have made much more sense for me to just deal with my own shit, rather than expect a strong medecine like that to improve my mood. Mood, setup and setting are very important. Outside influences even without meaning to can make things a lot worse. I made another mistake that I paid for that night and for the next few weeks of recrimination. It was psychologically stressful then and afterwards and put a whole different slant on what I was going through, in fact I'm fairly sure it made the last few weeks worse than necessary. However, having come out the other side, I've learnt much more than I would have done, just stupidly and a harder way than I needed to. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment, learning lessons as soon as possible rather than letting things drag on. It's a balancing act, it takes practise to know and trust yourself in those situations. I fucked up a little bit and it didn't help that I was experiencing a period of losing faith in myself over the course of the last few months anyway.
It had been my honour to spend two hours plus at a previous summer festival, talking down another psychonaut with my friends help. He was under the impression that the DJ was telling him to do things and was frankly very annoying. The first few times he came over to where we were sitting down on the grass, I just wanted him to go away in fact. Then the instinct came into my mind that I needed to intervene, this was a test. My friend supported him and cradled and stroked his head, while I held his hand and spoke to him about normal things, asked him his name, where he was from, until he gradually calmed to the point of wanting to go back to his friends. That occasion it was an LSD trip he was on (the stuff around these days is really very strong) and I would describe his demeanor and state as a psychotic break. Transpired that he had quit his office job and was retraining as a psychiactric nurse, what an irony.
I will continue to prescribe myself mushrooms as medecine. The positive effects on mood last for up to 8 months or so according to clinical trials happening around the world. I have to wait until the autumn growing season comes round again anyway as I failed to secure enough last year for the winter, spring and summer of this year.
What I discovered overall after my accidental rocket up the arse at a festival, as I slowly came down from what I later described as "the best thing that has ever happened to me" is that it doesn't take drugs to get where we want to go but it can help. However I never want to lose control like that again, to put someone else in the position of having to look after me. On a smaller scale I'd say I've got to the same conclusion where every intoxicant is concerned. I don't like getting drunk, mainly because for me it was always a dangerous tight rope walk between pissed enough to lose my inhibitions and have fun and a blackout leaving me unable to remember wtf went on the night before. Often leading to all sorts of lesser and greater embarrasment, possible injury or death of myself and others or just a bad feeling that lingers because you have no clue what you've been up to. I like to remember what I've been doing. I like to make my own choices, not those of the drug that is influencing me.
Some experiences do require that you put your trust in someone else. For those times you need to find a person/persons that you can rely on, who has had experiences like the one you are about to attempt, in a safe environment, where the outside influences are only going to be good, where no-one will be tempted to take advantage of your state of mind and where you know beforehand that you will be looked after with love and care. That is what I provide.
I've written about all this stuff before but it's been very clear in my mind lately as I worked my way down from an experience that lead me to believe that we are all part of something greater back to feeling like a regular Joe Bloggs, if admittedly with some of those latent talents I'd always assumed everyone has, remaining switched on and the undoubted sense that it is necessary for everyone to come to the understanding that these experiences are our heritage our responsibility, our goal. One way or the other we're all headed to the same destination, whatever route we choose to take.
I am as normal as any of you are, that is what you need to realise.
If there's something wrong with me then it's wrong with you too.
Holding on to the idea that this is all there is, is a very bad joke.
We're more than meets the eye or we've been lead to believe.
If you wanna have a good time drug responsibly ;)
If you want to know more do it the right way.
Luckily for me I'm a hard head with
a soft loving heart to cope...
Find peace of Mind
Body, Spirit & Soul
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Judging Others Condemns Yourself
Despite the fact that I've been unemployed for two months and suffering with old ways of seeing and dealing with the world I can take lots of positives from this period. It's given me the time to really face up to lots of things, I've been staying up late and often sleeping well into the day and sometimes for up to twelve hours. I'd wake up and think, hmmm I could sleep for a few more sod it. Several different issues have reared their ugly heads all at once so it became quite a struggle to work out which to sort out first. In the long run, I can see that I needed this time, however frustrating it has been to seemingly just follow old patterns, to actually find a way through them and maybe even once and for all ;)
Whilst I've been trying to get over someone, I've also had the very new problem of someone else having feelings for me that I couldn't return and at the same time a very real personal spiritual crisis. Watching a long video lead me to see the entirety of the last several thousand years in a completely different light, I am drawn to things and people that can help me to understand. I started to doubt everyone and everything and at one point I felt like I was on to something, almost immediately I also had the suspicion that I was starting to lose my grip on reality. Maybe I was just losing something that doesn't serve me whilst fearing what would be left behind afterwards. I know I didn't go too far, just too fast, but I enjoy a difficult challenge.
So I pulled back from the brink, holding on to anyone or anything too tightly just makes it slip from your fingers. I got the distinct feeling of fear wash over me, and as much as I have embraced that in the past I made the decision not to go there this time. Also I began rereading books that I haven't read for several years, partly out of boredom as I really dont have anything else worthwhile to do. I've taken in lots of different sources of information and gleaned whatever I needed from them all. I use my own intuition and instincts to decide what feels right and let everything else drop away.
As much as there are plenty of good things to learn from the past, both in my own life and in the lives and works of others, I have the distinct impression that what has come before was just what was needed at the time. I don't hold much love for any of the religions traditions, only the spiritual ones that speak of love for your fellow human beings and the whole of creation.
For me equality is a very important standard. I don't see differences between the two sexes.
I also think it is very important for any group to only travel at the pace of its slowest member.
Right now the contemplation of the last few weeks has lead me back to what I feel not what I think. Stuff the different messages coming out of the various sources, lots of religious dogma contradicts itself. One way says this is good and that is bad and others say something quite different but similar. It's all very confusing.
I had also been coming to a point of really believing in good as a force in the world and that lead unsurprisingly to at least the idea that bad maybe also in evidence and I feared that was true.
All I know is that we all have choices and potential.
Our potential is our starting point and then each decision leads us down a different road.
Some people choose the bad and that sets a pattern for the rest of their lives.
Some choose the good and that sets them off on a completely different path.
We all make mistakes but learning from them now is much better than repeatedly making them in more and more extreme ways until they can become unbearable.
The idea is to never become too comfortable otherwise we're set in our ways.
We all love to create habits but they soon become ruts.
Taking things and people for granted.
Using them.
I have to agree with a lot of things people have said to me, at the same time it was all coming from their point of view. In my mind I have a journey to go on at my own pace.
So right as they may have been, I was right too, to take things slowly, to let things work themselves out, stop trying to force the situation.
People in my life have had issues, old friends, current friends, new friends.
As much as I tried to resolve these things, in the end they did it for themselves.
I kept inside a wish for their problems to be resolved and looked into ways to help.
As long as I don't get stuck thinking certain things, they seem to find their own way.
It's been a long downward spiralling from a feeling of such sweet joy
To returning to who I used to be and I'm not happy about it
But I've managed not to fuck up too massively
Learn from experience
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Whilst I've been trying to get over someone, I've also had the very new problem of someone else having feelings for me that I couldn't return and at the same time a very real personal spiritual crisis. Watching a long video lead me to see the entirety of the last several thousand years in a completely different light, I am drawn to things and people that can help me to understand. I started to doubt everyone and everything and at one point I felt like I was on to something, almost immediately I also had the suspicion that I was starting to lose my grip on reality. Maybe I was just losing something that doesn't serve me whilst fearing what would be left behind afterwards. I know I didn't go too far, just too fast, but I enjoy a difficult challenge.
So I pulled back from the brink, holding on to anyone or anything too tightly just makes it slip from your fingers. I got the distinct feeling of fear wash over me, and as much as I have embraced that in the past I made the decision not to go there this time. Also I began rereading books that I haven't read for several years, partly out of boredom as I really dont have anything else worthwhile to do. I've taken in lots of different sources of information and gleaned whatever I needed from them all. I use my own intuition and instincts to decide what feels right and let everything else drop away.
As much as there are plenty of good things to learn from the past, both in my own life and in the lives and works of others, I have the distinct impression that what has come before was just what was needed at the time. I don't hold much love for any of the religions traditions, only the spiritual ones that speak of love for your fellow human beings and the whole of creation.
For me equality is a very important standard. I don't see differences between the two sexes.
I also think it is very important for any group to only travel at the pace of its slowest member.
Right now the contemplation of the last few weeks has lead me back to what I feel not what I think. Stuff the different messages coming out of the various sources, lots of religious dogma contradicts itself. One way says this is good and that is bad and others say something quite different but similar. It's all very confusing.
I had also been coming to a point of really believing in good as a force in the world and that lead unsurprisingly to at least the idea that bad maybe also in evidence and I feared that was true.
All I know is that we all have choices and potential.
Our potential is our starting point and then each decision leads us down a different road.
Some people choose the bad and that sets a pattern for the rest of their lives.
Some choose the good and that sets them off on a completely different path.
We all make mistakes but learning from them now is much better than repeatedly making them in more and more extreme ways until they can become unbearable.
The idea is to never become too comfortable otherwise we're set in our ways.
We all love to create habits but they soon become ruts.
Taking things and people for granted.
Using them.
I have to agree with a lot of things people have said to me, at the same time it was all coming from their point of view. In my mind I have a journey to go on at my own pace.
So right as they may have been, I was right too, to take things slowly, to let things work themselves out, stop trying to force the situation.
People in my life have had issues, old friends, current friends, new friends.
As much as I tried to resolve these things, in the end they did it for themselves.
I kept inside a wish for their problems to be resolved and looked into ways to help.
As long as I don't get stuck thinking certain things, they seem to find their own way.
It's been a long downward spiralling from a feeling of such sweet joy
To returning to who I used to be and I'm not happy about it
But I've managed not to fuck up too massively
Learn from experience
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
What women want - I was a shit
what women want - Nope giving them what they need instead
been the person I was for a while and I was a shit indeed yes
willing to make mistakes, recognise them, learn from them
knitting pattern recognition, a golden fleece takes shape
WWW - Who knows? Sorry had to get that in there first and hopefully make up for it now...
If I had to guess, and it would be a fairly well educated one, what women want is none of our concern. What they need however has always been clear to me and it's to spend time with people they can trust, respect and learn to love. Someone they can rely on, communicate with and confide in, be themselves without worrying with...
All the women I've loved have been some of the best people in the world. Whether they were role models when I was growing up, pals of mine, really good friends or someone I thought could be more, all of them are so generous with their time, so patient and loving with their families and close friends and what's more, daft enough to have been one to me.
-
It's been tough to come face to face with who I used to be and I guess that's what has happened. My perspective had reverted so that I was constantly peering through the looking glass rather than giving myself many years good luck all over again, by breaking it into innumerable pieces and finally having no viewpoint but that of an observer with a wide open mind, keen to see something new, something good again please ;)
That old me like my shadow is there like everything I'm not proud of, as a reminder of sufficient strength to prevent me from driving drunk and crashing another car or whatever. So instead of trying to blot that shit out, I work with it, use it as ammunition. The great thing is that by not hiding from those grayscale days, afterwards they're even more faded and forgotten than ever before and the colour comes back all the more vividly into my life.
Anxiety about preparations or the journey through town, navigating to the car park, from there to the pub, who will be there, what do I say? I've learned how to deal with shyness in social situations and it isn't several large tequillas (anymore ;)
So calm because I know that I can cope.
Be myself don't stay away don't mope.
Breathing slow and deep is my dope.
-
A lot of things changed throughout the last year but the ones that have stuck are that I :-
Don't like porn anymore
Prefer real women
Miss hugs
-
The World today seems like a giant stinking playroom with everyones toys all over the place and Mother beginning to lose her temper with all the children. Watch out you don't get a spanking.
At the same time as all the shit things are going on, there are loads of incredibly exciting good things happening too, I'm just focussing on them and i'll let the t.v. tell its stories. The ones I'm getting are encouraging tales of a gradual but accelerating regeneration that will eventually sweep the planet, these are just the first signs of this yearlong spring clean, the first flowers will be blooming and summer will be here soon after.
Listen to your Mother, she needs you to.
Commune with Nature.
Hear her call.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
been the person I was for a while and I was a shit indeed yes
willing to make mistakes, recognise them, learn from them
knitting pattern recognition, a golden fleece takes shape
WWW - Who knows? Sorry had to get that in there first and hopefully make up for it now...
If I had to guess, and it would be a fairly well educated one, what women want is none of our concern. What they need however has always been clear to me and it's to spend time with people they can trust, respect and learn to love. Someone they can rely on, communicate with and confide in, be themselves without worrying with...
All the women I've loved have been some of the best people in the world. Whether they were role models when I was growing up, pals of mine, really good friends or someone I thought could be more, all of them are so generous with their time, so patient and loving with their families and close friends and what's more, daft enough to have been one to me.
-
It's been tough to come face to face with who I used to be and I guess that's what has happened. My perspective had reverted so that I was constantly peering through the looking glass rather than giving myself many years good luck all over again, by breaking it into innumerable pieces and finally having no viewpoint but that of an observer with a wide open mind, keen to see something new, something good again please ;)
That old me like my shadow is there like everything I'm not proud of, as a reminder of sufficient strength to prevent me from driving drunk and crashing another car or whatever. So instead of trying to blot that shit out, I work with it, use it as ammunition. The great thing is that by not hiding from those grayscale days, afterwards they're even more faded and forgotten than ever before and the colour comes back all the more vividly into my life.
Anxiety about preparations or the journey through town, navigating to the car park, from there to the pub, who will be there, what do I say? I've learned how to deal with shyness in social situations and it isn't several large tequillas (anymore ;)
So calm because I know that I can cope.
Be myself don't stay away don't mope.
Breathing slow and deep is my dope.
-
A lot of things changed throughout the last year but the ones that have stuck are that I :-
Don't like porn anymore
Prefer real women
Miss hugs
-
The World today seems like a giant stinking playroom with everyones toys all over the place and Mother beginning to lose her temper with all the children. Watch out you don't get a spanking.
At the same time as all the shit things are going on, there are loads of incredibly exciting good things happening too, I'm just focussing on them and i'll let the t.v. tell its stories. The ones I'm getting are encouraging tales of a gradual but accelerating regeneration that will eventually sweep the planet, these are just the first signs of this yearlong spring clean, the first flowers will be blooming and summer will be here soon after.
Listen to your Mother, she needs you to.
Commune with Nature.
Hear her call.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Friday, 17 February 2012
Well Well Well Three Holes in the Ground...
Been outthere inthere outhere and inhere and finally decided that it's all way too much like hard work. All I know for certain-ish is that if I keep on being good, resisting the temptation to behave badly and just try my best, that will have to be enough. The thought of either just doing everything that I know not to be right or going to the other extreme and trying to be a massive goody goody just doesn't seem worth it.
I have found the magical experiences of the last year and to a lesser extent those of the past three to four years including synchronicities whilst away travelling, up to and including all the weird things that have happened over the course of my life all add up to merely a choice within each of us.
Made mine a long time ago and wasn't very disciplined, in fact the only reason I was able to make a decision at all was precisely because of the freedom to choose my own way to go.
I feel that love is enough.
So that'll do.
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
haha 2012 you think we've got problems - Weighty Issue - Intimi Dating
i can't say much about december 2012 except that I was born a few minutes before 12:00pm on the 11/12/72
So the first full day of my fourtieth year will be 12/12/12. I'll be meditating or hungover or both....
9 or so days after that it's the 21st of December 2012 when we stop measuring time by what we earn from it
But by how we feel while we're making the most of it, not a second wasted because they never are just spent.
Who Am I? - Weight of expectayshun
am i a sexist pig? am i am feminist? a post modern prattle on or a shakepearian battleworn lad from a' estate?
who knows at the moment but I'm not that concerned. This test is the hardest cos it's all to be relearned a bit.
Going back to times when I hadn't a clue is the result of thinking I knew it all makes me a fool not a clown pie-eyed.
I've got to face every aspect of myself and ask is that me? Like comparing myself to others all the time am I them inside?
No it's me.
Bits of me that I don't like or had thought were long gone, brought up by strong emotions of pure joy a reverance and respect
for the fact that there was a time when it felt joyless to be here, in fact pretty grim, so I suppose it leads to overwhleming
feelings of ambivalence when it's hurting so much to deal with that shit but if I don't do it now it's just like an itch. If you
scratch it it comes back if it wants to, if you don't scratch it that's it... Some itches may feel the same after you are healing
or saved from overindulgence or underindulgence or both in extreme but the fact that they're healing is the sign that you're free
to imagine that everything else is fine too. After all even if you're kidding yourself, won't that do? Make believe that there's
peace now already cos there is if you like, it's found deep inside you like riding a bike. You remember or it's itching at you but
you know if you don't you'll never know a thing worth knowing and this isn't a joke. Learn who you are when you have a spring
clean up there and all over and carry that person forward into whatever future present moment you wish to see unfold.
I don't mind feeling like I'm 20 something again even if I don't look it ;) because to me it's like wishing you could go back and
do it all again with the knowledge and wisdom of someone who could kick the bullies ass and such and such. Problem with that is I
would have been worse and far worse off right now. I don't respond well to accusations and I don't mind a confrontation whereas
before I would have avoided it at all costs. But I'm way more a lover than a fighter. I don't like fighting of any kind, I prefer
a sit down debate that after a few drinks and other purely for medicinal purposes substances (P.M.P.S.) will usually result in a
handshake or a kiss and later after way too much of one or the others somehow it comes back up again and everything kicksoff.
Although it never does except that one time.
So yes I'm feeling shy and retiring whilst also on top of the world for the briefest times and those are when I can face the fact
that I don't need most things. I haven't got many and I'm getting rid of everything as fast as I can. I've read books, I can keep
my clothes. The rest I can grow or have to buy. My stereo and the essentials I'm keeping, the rest hasn't been touched for years.
I can download or access almost anything I could ever need online. That's a great bonus and a great temptation at the same time.
Almost as if we're all being offered on a personal and a national, if you still recognise those labels for the population of the
planet earth, and a global perspective the opportunity to choose our own future. In small ways we are every day, will I go this
way or that way? What should I be looking out for again? Landmarks? Road Signs? I'm lost again. Always am. Then someone said
hey, take your time, learn the way and I am. Bit by bit, different things that were tough are getting better but that's still not
enough? Yes No er Yes it's still not, but hey work harder not smarter. Be consistent more. Not in fits and starts.
So it's me?
It's my fault I'm the way I am not what others did. I let them. I didn't do anything. I felt helpless so I was helpless so it's
not my fault. But it is, isn't, is, isn't, yesisnot, everything is true from the right perspective.
Isn't...
Stop thinking those old thoughts now for the last time let them go, they were attached to nice feelings that aren't going anywhere.
In fact they only get better cos they were pure emotion and that's just as memorable as the first time you did anything new
anywhere new with anyone new.
Hmm as usual I start writing feelings and get gibberish poetry, it's really not my fault it's just coming out that way these days
sometimes, intuition and cognition failing captain, we're all at sea this time ready to ditch but that was then and it's been easy
to easier to fix, I'm drawn to the right videos, articles and friends who live a better life than I do. Learning a lot and making
masses of mistakes but hey it's the opposite of getting over someone cold turkey, I'm having to learn focus in every second and
relaxation in that same moment. Alert calmness. The ability to not freak out constantly and not over-react constantly to outside
events, balancing out the right and left brain spheres like two planets slowly colliding and becoming one line, that Spice Girls
song, smooch smooch I love you lefty , I love you righty, squelch they've only blooomin' gone and made a super mind capable of
common sensual decisions within the one organ so not either swayed too heavily by emotion and change or too not heavily enough to
stick to habits and ruts in concert with the fact that the brain sends less signals to the Heart as do the neurons there send far
more information to the brain, we litterly are able to think with our hearts and often do. But we get heart broken and then stop
trusting it.
If I'm ever in pain of any sort, emotional , physical, mental, all I do is imagine that my heart can take it. Because it can, take
my pain away like some kind of beautiful reprocessing plant, breathing in the power in the form of oxygen or energy whatever way
you wanna look at it. Breathing through my heart as in my head's third eye I see it glowing a pure gold although rarely cos it's
red hot and white hot mostly these days, just a pilot light in comparison to how it felt before. There are little glimpses of that
crimson palace I resided in and in truth the more I cope with feeling like shit the more I seem to get over it quicker. The less
I feel like getting shitfaced or out of it. Although that's still fun in the right company...
Imagination
Creation
Elation
---
Intimi Dating
When I said I hadn't been that intimate with a woman before, I had plenty of times, I meant that we had the lights on ;)
intimidating means to threaten and also to injure and is so close to imitating that it hurts.
Don't we just try to be the same as each other for as long as we can manage?
and then find out that we're nothing alike and hate each other for it...
rather than being honest at the start and learning to love someone,
who despite annoying the heck out of you makes you laugh.
cried in front of you, shared lots of things
Intimidation (also called cowing) is intentional behavior "which would cause a person of ordinary sensibilities" fear of injury or harm. It's not necessary to prove that the behavior was so violent as to cause terror or that the victim was actually frightened
This isn't about a person it's about every person in or out of my life
and a little bit about me
and all at the same time
my bit seems toughest
sorry if that's how
y'all feel too..
Love &
Light
Jon
x
So the first full day of my fourtieth year will be 12/12/12. I'll be meditating or hungover or both....
9 or so days after that it's the 21st of December 2012 when we stop measuring time by what we earn from it
But by how we feel while we're making the most of it, not a second wasted because they never are just spent.
Who Am I? - Weight of expectayshun
am i a sexist pig? am i am feminist? a post modern prattle on or a shakepearian battleworn lad from a' estate?
who knows at the moment but I'm not that concerned. This test is the hardest cos it's all to be relearned a bit.
Going back to times when I hadn't a clue is the result of thinking I knew it all makes me a fool not a clown pie-eyed.
I've got to face every aspect of myself and ask is that me? Like comparing myself to others all the time am I them inside?
No it's me.
Bits of me that I don't like or had thought were long gone, brought up by strong emotions of pure joy a reverance and respect
for the fact that there was a time when it felt joyless to be here, in fact pretty grim, so I suppose it leads to overwhleming
feelings of ambivalence when it's hurting so much to deal with that shit but if I don't do it now it's just like an itch. If you
scratch it it comes back if it wants to, if you don't scratch it that's it... Some itches may feel the same after you are healing
or saved from overindulgence or underindulgence or both in extreme but the fact that they're healing is the sign that you're free
to imagine that everything else is fine too. After all even if you're kidding yourself, won't that do? Make believe that there's
peace now already cos there is if you like, it's found deep inside you like riding a bike. You remember or it's itching at you but
you know if you don't you'll never know a thing worth knowing and this isn't a joke. Learn who you are when you have a spring
clean up there and all over and carry that person forward into whatever future present moment you wish to see unfold.
I don't mind feeling like I'm 20 something again even if I don't look it ;) because to me it's like wishing you could go back and
do it all again with the knowledge and wisdom of someone who could kick the bullies ass and such and such. Problem with that is I
would have been worse and far worse off right now. I don't respond well to accusations and I don't mind a confrontation whereas
before I would have avoided it at all costs. But I'm way more a lover than a fighter. I don't like fighting of any kind, I prefer
a sit down debate that after a few drinks and other purely for medicinal purposes substances (P.M.P.S.) will usually result in a
handshake or a kiss and later after way too much of one or the others somehow it comes back up again and everything kicksoff.
Although it never does except that one time.
So yes I'm feeling shy and retiring whilst also on top of the world for the briefest times and those are when I can face the fact
that I don't need most things. I haven't got many and I'm getting rid of everything as fast as I can. I've read books, I can keep
my clothes. The rest I can grow or have to buy. My stereo and the essentials I'm keeping, the rest hasn't been touched for years.
I can download or access almost anything I could ever need online. That's a great bonus and a great temptation at the same time.
Almost as if we're all being offered on a personal and a national, if you still recognise those labels for the population of the
planet earth, and a global perspective the opportunity to choose our own future. In small ways we are every day, will I go this
way or that way? What should I be looking out for again? Landmarks? Road Signs? I'm lost again. Always am. Then someone said
hey, take your time, learn the way and I am. Bit by bit, different things that were tough are getting better but that's still not
enough? Yes No er Yes it's still not, but hey work harder not smarter. Be consistent more. Not in fits and starts.
So it's me?
It's my fault I'm the way I am not what others did. I let them. I didn't do anything. I felt helpless so I was helpless so it's
not my fault. But it is, isn't, is, isn't, yesisnot, everything is true from the right perspective.
Isn't...
Stop thinking those old thoughts now for the last time let them go, they were attached to nice feelings that aren't going anywhere.
In fact they only get better cos they were pure emotion and that's just as memorable as the first time you did anything new
anywhere new with anyone new.
Hmm as usual I start writing feelings and get gibberish poetry, it's really not my fault it's just coming out that way these days
sometimes, intuition and cognition failing captain, we're all at sea this time ready to ditch but that was then and it's been easy
to easier to fix, I'm drawn to the right videos, articles and friends who live a better life than I do. Learning a lot and making
masses of mistakes but hey it's the opposite of getting over someone cold turkey, I'm having to learn focus in every second and
relaxation in that same moment. Alert calmness. The ability to not freak out constantly and not over-react constantly to outside
events, balancing out the right and left brain spheres like two planets slowly colliding and becoming one line, that Spice Girls
song, smooch smooch I love you lefty , I love you righty, squelch they've only blooomin' gone and made a super mind capable of
common sensual decisions within the one organ so not either swayed too heavily by emotion and change or too not heavily enough to
stick to habits and ruts in concert with the fact that the brain sends less signals to the Heart as do the neurons there send far
more information to the brain, we litterly are able to think with our hearts and often do. But we get heart broken and then stop
trusting it.
If I'm ever in pain of any sort, emotional , physical, mental, all I do is imagine that my heart can take it. Because it can, take
my pain away like some kind of beautiful reprocessing plant, breathing in the power in the form of oxygen or energy whatever way
you wanna look at it. Breathing through my heart as in my head's third eye I see it glowing a pure gold although rarely cos it's
red hot and white hot mostly these days, just a pilot light in comparison to how it felt before. There are little glimpses of that
crimson palace I resided in and in truth the more I cope with feeling like shit the more I seem to get over it quicker. The less
I feel like getting shitfaced or out of it. Although that's still fun in the right company...
Imagination
Creation
Elation
---
Intimi Dating
When I said I hadn't been that intimate with a woman before, I had plenty of times, I meant that we had the lights on ;)
intimidating means to threaten and also to injure and is so close to imitating that it hurts.
Don't we just try to be the same as each other for as long as we can manage?
and then find out that we're nothing alike and hate each other for it...
rather than being honest at the start and learning to love someone,
who despite annoying the heck out of you makes you laugh.
cried in front of you, shared lots of things
Intimidation (also called cowing) is intentional behavior "which would cause a person of ordinary sensibilities" fear of injury or harm. It's not necessary to prove that the behavior was so violent as to cause terror or that the victim was actually frightened
This isn't about a person it's about every person in or out of my life
and a little bit about me
and all at the same time
my bit seems toughest
sorry if that's how
y'all feel too..
Love &
Light
Jon
x
Monday, 13 February 2012
Hypocondrial Dna Empathetically Speaking
Or :- 'Sometimes I doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion'
In the past I could only make positive changes in my life if it was for someone else. In other words I would spend weeks and weeks in a funk but if someone I cared about got in touch I would immediately sort myself out for their benefit. Basically I always felt so shit about me, that I could only do right by me, if it was for the sake of another person.
I only felt attractive if I looked good, only felt worthwhile if I was doing something good for someone else. The more I've worked on that, the more positive I feel about who I am, the more it leads to an equal negative feeling. Almost as if the better I feel, the less worthy of it I feel too.
Well I suppose it comes down to this...
If I can't handle me at my worst I don't deserve to be my best.
I like shortcuts, quick fixes or at least I used to. These days I'm much more disciplined, a bit more anyways ;)
What would happen before is that I would attempt to join in with whatever everyone else was doing, that would highlight and make quite clear how bad I was at everything and then I would feel like shit for even having a go. Let's take relationships. Well I haven't had much fun there, a few dabbles with one person or another and ultimately not knowing what the fuck I was doing and finding it almost impossible to just go with the flow and follow my instincts I would over think everything and then ruin it. I'd become frozen by my own fear of fucking things up and that would lead to fucking them up.
Frozen by fear, stuck in indecision, unable to try.
Well I guess it's always been the case that at heart I never felt good enough for anyone.
Being myself always lead to someone else showing me why I was a horrible person.
And having so little faith in myself meant I believed everything they said.
The cycle would restart, me feeling bad, doing bad things, feeling bad.
Then I started trying to see if there was anything I could do to make that situation better.
I can't say it's gotten me only to good places and to good people but almost so...
So many negative thoughts that as I felt more positive it gnawed at me.
Testing my resolve, poking and prodding at my defences, looking for a chink in my armour.
Tempting me to stop trying anymore when I feel deeply that I can only try harder.
Finding ways to work on that includes knowing that everything starts with me.
I have a responsibility to myself first, not in a selfish way, in a generous one.
If I'm no good to me, no wonder others don't think I'd be good for them.
If I can't treat myself with respect and love no-one else will want it.
All just random thoughts springing from yet another period of depression and failures.
An old habit trying desperately to cling on to some kind of hold on me.
All I can do is try to be happy with myself and that is attractive.
Not try to be whatever someone else wants, and hope,
that that could ever be enough when it never is.
I'll never give up working towards what I've always needed.
To be accepted by myself...
Light &
Love
Jon
x
In the past I could only make positive changes in my life if it was for someone else. In other words I would spend weeks and weeks in a funk but if someone I cared about got in touch I would immediately sort myself out for their benefit. Basically I always felt so shit about me, that I could only do right by me, if it was for the sake of another person.
I only felt attractive if I looked good, only felt worthwhile if I was doing something good for someone else. The more I've worked on that, the more positive I feel about who I am, the more it leads to an equal negative feeling. Almost as if the better I feel, the less worthy of it I feel too.
Well I suppose it comes down to this...
If I can't handle me at my worst I don't deserve to be my best.
I like shortcuts, quick fixes or at least I used to. These days I'm much more disciplined, a bit more anyways ;)
What would happen before is that I would attempt to join in with whatever everyone else was doing, that would highlight and make quite clear how bad I was at everything and then I would feel like shit for even having a go. Let's take relationships. Well I haven't had much fun there, a few dabbles with one person or another and ultimately not knowing what the fuck I was doing and finding it almost impossible to just go with the flow and follow my instincts I would over think everything and then ruin it. I'd become frozen by my own fear of fucking things up and that would lead to fucking them up.
Frozen by fear, stuck in indecision, unable to try.
Well I guess it's always been the case that at heart I never felt good enough for anyone.
Being myself always lead to someone else showing me why I was a horrible person.
And having so little faith in myself meant I believed everything they said.
The cycle would restart, me feeling bad, doing bad things, feeling bad.
Then I started trying to see if there was anything I could do to make that situation better.
I can't say it's gotten me only to good places and to good people but almost so...
So many negative thoughts that as I felt more positive it gnawed at me.
Testing my resolve, poking and prodding at my defences, looking for a chink in my armour.
Tempting me to stop trying anymore when I feel deeply that I can only try harder.
Finding ways to work on that includes knowing that everything starts with me.
I have a responsibility to myself first, not in a selfish way, in a generous one.
If I'm no good to me, no wonder others don't think I'd be good for them.
If I can't treat myself with respect and love no-one else will want it.
All just random thoughts springing from yet another period of depression and failures.
An old habit trying desperately to cling on to some kind of hold on me.
All I can do is try to be happy with myself and that is attractive.
Not try to be whatever someone else wants, and hope,
that that could ever be enough when it never is.
I'll never give up working towards what I've always needed.
To be accepted by myself...
Light &
Love
Jon
x
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