repression depressingly

is there something about depression that makes you self centered? Something about addiction that makes you selfish and greedy? Some about circumstances that can ruin even the best outlook?

I don't know the answer to those but I know I've ruined my own comfortable little lookout.

Over the past few weeks, to a lesser extent now that I'm feeling at least almost useful again, I was having negative thoughts cropup, annoyingly so. Also in the silence here at home, a noise has arisen. Sounds like an engine far away, or something booming, or something that is fucking annoying anyway, all day and all night. Of course it's easier to notice it at night when there is less of other noise around, but if it's quiet and I'm trying to meditate or just relax, I think of it and listen for nothingness it and it's there instead. Whether something locally has gone 24hr, or whether there is a noise which seems quite regular pounding away inside my head, well I don't know that either. There is a possibility that the noise was there all along but that I've noticed it and can't unnotice it now if that makes sense.

All I do know is that I'm not giving in, but I'm spending as much time as possible relaxing, finding other people not coming to mind as often. I'm less others focussed, and I don't like it.

I think about getting in touch with someone and I'll chicken out or change my mind. Can't make up my mind at the best of times, the more options the worse it is, so I always went with how I felt. Only thing is I've become unsure of myself, find it hard to just be, because just being me had lead me to so many mistakes that I've made before. Feels very similar to the way I felt a few years ago.

Have these two conflicting, huh duality again eh?, ways of doing things...

The old and the new

Feel like there's a world of opportunity that I'm missing.

Feel like I don't want to do anything.

Feel like I haven't got a plan.

A clue.

Anything solid anymore.

Grasping not for meaning anymore but rather just an anchor

Found it too hard to reconcile the differences between different traditions.

Just trying to be good and hope that's enough

havent gone back to the bad old days

just skirted the edges

waiting on a miracle

waiting for a sign

waiting for some direction

hoping something feels good feels right feels like something I'd like to do rather than something someone else is doing that I'll just tag along with

Slogging out the days

Where's all my love gone for life?

Where's my enthusiasm?

Have I just lost the plot?

Lost my character?

My personality is the same but his attitude stinks

Stop over thinking

Make some decisions

Choose a direction

Risk feeling like an idiot again

risk actually enjoying myself

most of the things I dread aren't that bad

Will things get more novel now? and more and more? and just mooooorrrreeeee?

Trying to see whether I should use this time to heal myself or whether pushing on is the way I get healed, connecting out, being the person I was, going on missions that I'm scared of again.

Was it just a long way up to fall from?

When will I feel like myself again?

Will I ever be free of those old habits?

I suppose I keep wondering if I'm worth knowing and it doesn't matter what other people say, because I know what I am like inside, if I feel bad and don't want to let someone else make me feel better why should I?

I'm the cheerer upper, not the other way around.

It's not even as if I feel like I've been let down by others... I'm not angry I'm disappointed.

Will I feel better when I've paid people what I owe them?

When will it ever end?

Will something happen in december?

Am I going to break out of this vicious cycle?

Find somewhere to start over, live a different way.

Have a space for friends, for me.

How do I juggle all those things?

I don't feel like being the happy helpful guy who is sorted himself so likes to keep an eye out for everyone else while at the same time having lots of fun myself...

I feel like the guy who needs a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me while I sob out my own shit, somewhere to go where I just become well by breathing their air, eating their food, drinking their water, working when I feel better... And then I realise there is not that much shit.

Just me facing up to the fact that one day I'll be fucked because there wont be anyone around to look after me when I get into a state, or to bail me out when I end up out of work.

I've actually been thinking how much better all the shit jobs I gave up were than the one I'm doing.

Too much time to think, I need to be busy and then things will just fit into place.

I'll gradually feel better day by day.

My healing will be complete.

And then I'll fuck up cos I'll get all happy and forget what I'm doing,

I never was much good at coordination or multi tasking,

I tended to focus solely on what I was doing to the detriment of everything and everyone else.

Improving slowly on that one, some things have become much easier.

However it does tend to be he or she who shouts loudest who gets my attention.

At the moment it's me shouting at myself so hard it hurts.

I don't need this much time or attention from me.

I need to grow up for fucks sake.

Love &
Light
Jon
x