Hmmmmmmm and Hearse

Him and Hers

So quickly going past the fact that I went from zero to hero to zero to .99 oh no not even Jon 1.0 even. I guess it's confidence, and I used to have it now and then. Working is helping although it drags cos there's nothing to do and I wanted to be busy, but then I'm struggling cos I'm not fit. Then the mother and wife of the two blokes I was supposed to be working with dies suddenly. Perspective regained. Although I still spent long hours thinking how to get out of this trap. I did my best to be doing something all day but that gets tiring too, trying to look busy. They both seem like ok guys, soemthing about she was used to drinking half a bottle of vodka a night described as 'she liked a drink'... Hmmmm and hearse but no hired cars she'd want to do it cheap.

I supposed that I was silly to expect to carry on feeling an almost eerie calm in moments and perhaps that was it, I was so in the minute, not looking too far ahead, not building things up to much worse in the weeks before something, anything was coming up. So nervous about everything, anxious about nothing, because most things went really smoothly. My Dad used to say things like 'I think I prefer it when he's miserable' when I was really happy and positive about life, although maybe I was annoyingly cheerful, I don't know. Words have a lot of power, I hear people say things I can't believe they mean all the time, and yet when questioned, they'd say things like 'They know I'm only joking'. When it comes to the way that women are treated and men too in our so called society, there's a bias towards verbal norms. When you speak the truth all the time, others will say things like 'you can't say that'. I can and I just did ;)

I'd go from introverted, never contacts anyone...

To extroverted, always around with someone...

As for my comfort zone that was definately people I knew well already.

Not good in new company, liked to keep a low profile if I could evade the stories from coming out to play straight away. By the time I spoke to a woman we were already friends.

Or the standard 'How old do you think Jon is?' as I was between a few years older than most of my mates and my current best buds are ten years younger or so. I never saw age as an impediment or restriction. People should know people of all ages. We're supposed to spend time with older and younger humans, socialise with everyone and break down the barriers we place in the way of having a really good chin wag.

I used to find it hard to have a conversation. I'd avoid them if I could. You'd say hi, I'd say hi, you'd say how are you? I'd say fine thanks. That was it. Because I was nervous, I'd panic, want to get away. Didn't trust people, why do they want to know where I live? Strangers on a plane that kind of thing. I opened up a little more all the time.

Then I was blown wide open, and with a profound sense of love.

That started with me, and was all I was interested in.

Giving that out in as many ways to as many people as possible.

Visiting an aunt for the first time.
Picking and sending another crabapples cos she loves them.
Going places and meeting up with people I barely know?!? wtf?
Driving around Bristol! Yeah Bristol! and avonmouth and allover everywhere and gloucester and three in the morning and on my own as usual and lost as always and finding somewhere when I trust myself or forget to care and just turn the right way and loving life, never fearing anything.

And then boom. Pride comes before a fall? Heyyyy! I wasn't humble enough, diciplined anough, ready enough. I was a bit overexcited to have had such a good year and met so many wonderful people and to be feeling in the flow all the time and all sorts of things happening to me with some of those people, little things like a bit of flirting, or even just a really nice moment to remember, or doing a good deed like twenty times a night and having loads done back to me and yay I managed to keep on an even keel, I haven't driven when I was unsafe to drive, I've passed so many tests, a few breathylisers, well two is a couple, a few is usually more than two but hey whose counting? Haven't done anything sillier than I've ever done before, let myself back into life having spent two years slowing re-entering all sorts of different spheres and scenes. Slowly getting back in touch with friends after dropping everyone and everything.

So I have loads to be thankful for, I love you Mum, and Dad.

And Nina.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

And the dogs
and the world
and everyone
and everything
is still so murky
but I'm feeling slowly
more positive and clearer
knowing though exactly what
it is and was that I need to quit
and this time I haven't sworn off
women for good, at all, which is nice
I haven't left myself much wiggle room
I gotta work hard and somehow get into the
kind of work that would make me happy and smile
instead of leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth of
recycled plastic and dust from hanger 42 at Ex Mod Base

I had a courageous and fearless attitude before I crashed down after I took off

I gotta get that back, feel it believe it, see myself some miracles again

Feel the magic feelings again, get some more sights and sounds

Relax a bit more again, go with the flow again

Take it easy, with time flying and gliding

But always, joyously landing

all around me and all of us.

That's my goal.

Oh and that thing where you're really suffering and instead of geting in touch with someone, you're feeling so shit you don't even want people to see you, or to see people, and so ashamed and lonely and depressed and cos no-one comes around it gets worse and then you end up working yourself into a right tizzy of a lather of a panic of a everyone hates or just doesn't care or wishes I was dead or thinks I'm a horrible person or blah blah blah etc etc thingamydoojameflip

Yeah that. Shit isn't it?

:) I let you down
I let myself down
i let everyone down, not really but in a way.

I got scared and with my imagination, everything can become very scary or very wonderful

It got truly scary as I actually gave some ideas the possibility of being true, and then I was convinced. Good con game. Make everything available and the truth the hardest to find.

You search and you learn and then the negative spin on so many things and the truth feeling so near and then so far and then unfindable so you know it's gonna take a lot to find.

So you give up. But it's taken over your life. No t.v. but thats a good thing. No money but that's a good thing, ish, not at the moment or for the last three months but one day it would be a good thing. For now it's a shit thing. Erm yeah err no entertainment but I don't miss any of it.

I thought a few years ago, well if I was on my death bed, would I complain that I missed the last this episode of a show or that film at the cinema. And I can honestly say I don't, I miss what they represent. People. Laughing together, crying together, being together.

I want company. I'm bored of doing everything alone. But I must say that going to places where people are accepting of everyone, really spoils you for the normal every day world. If you let it.

I started to see the world differently and then got stuck back into an old routine. And then floundered.

I'm getting better though.

Gradually.

Feeling very normal though.

Just realising that to start to believe in lots of good things being possible and then seeing them happen before my very eyes became a new habit. I got scared because I saw greater and greater challenges in my future, and just got even more scared when I realised it meant doing things I would never have even considered when I was younger, and drawn back there I became myself when I was 16, thinking about joining a meditation class in Malmesbury, I would have be so disciplined by now, so calm and steady. Well, I'm putting in the hard graft again, I lost my monthly celebration / visual feast on the Full Moon because of my own stupidity (and having so much fun in the summer / autumn and going to party's all the time, instead of saving money for picking trips. The full moon / lime juice combination (3x to 5x the effects, a third to a quarter the duration) really showed me a joined up world, energy fields around plants, my friend and I both saw phantom limbs on felled trees together, vortexes of kolaidascopes of coloured light coming from the Moon, like squinting into a diamond with the sun behind it.

I've made a decision to put off any plans to build anything, but as I have very few interests these days, except those that I can't seem to get into apart from nature, knowing I'll be working all summer to pay back what I owe, and yet I want to ride a horse at least once this year so I've got to do that cos I made myself a promise and now I've written it down too. Maybe I can trade my skills for lessons.

I'll work in your garden or give you a head neck shoulder massage or foot massage in return.

Hourly rate is £10 normally or a donation based on what it's worth to you or your ability to pay.

Gotta go give my Mum a hug and tell her I love you

Well, I gotta get my hugs somewhere

and I don't think I've said it before

so let's see if I gotta lotta bottle

Ooh I love a challenge

Don't dare me

ever

cos im a coward and I'll find a reason why what you want me to do is wrong and get out of it
cos I'm not ready for this and can't face your expectations and then i crumble

ohh shit it's like I can't lie anymore again

thats a start, let's hope the rest if coming back to me

knuckle down, work hard

mind, get in shape

mind, lost the weight

mind, how I go

mind, over matter

mind, my manners

mind, i speak up for myself but not too much

when i get so self concious i can't make up my mind

i cant just be myself cos thats wrong in a good way or a bad one

or there's something I'm not good at yet or worked out yet or something else

about life i havent realised cos i'm blinkered and daft as a brush and sensible too much

and then tired and exhausted or soooo fucking lazy

or cant help wanting to do nothing

feeling like it's a wash in me

errr if i had the money this
err if i had this or that
err blah blah
stopmoaning

thanks for sharing


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ah the silence of no mind
;)