Hypocondrial Dna Empathetically Speaking

Or :- 'Sometimes I doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion'

In the past I could only make positive changes in my life if it was for someone else. In other words I would spend weeks and weeks in a funk but if someone I cared about got in touch I would immediately sort myself out for their benefit. Basically I always felt so shit about me, that I could only do right by me, if it was for the sake of another person.

I only felt attractive if I looked good, only felt worthwhile if I was doing something good for someone else. The more I've worked on that, the more positive I feel about who I am, the more it leads to an equal negative feeling. Almost as if the better I feel, the less worthy of it I feel too.

Well I suppose it comes down to this...

If I can't handle me at my worst I don't deserve to be my best.

I like shortcuts, quick fixes or at least I used to. These days I'm much more disciplined, a bit more anyways ;)

What would happen before is that I would attempt to join in with whatever everyone else was doing, that would highlight and make quite clear how bad I was at everything and then I would feel like shit for even having a go. Let's take relationships. Well I haven't had much fun there, a few dabbles with one person or another and ultimately not knowing what the fuck I was doing and finding it almost impossible to just go with the flow and follow my instincts I would over think everything and then ruin it. I'd become frozen by my own fear of fucking things up and that would lead to fucking them up.

Frozen by fear, stuck in indecision, unable to try.

Well I guess it's always been the case that at heart I never felt good enough for anyone.

Being myself always lead to someone else showing me why I was a horrible person.

And having so little faith in myself meant I believed everything they said.

The cycle would restart, me feeling bad, doing bad things, feeling bad.

Then I started trying to see if there was anything I could do to make that situation better.

I can't say it's gotten me only to good places and to good people but almost so...

So many negative thoughts that as I felt more positive it gnawed at me.

Testing my resolve, poking and prodding at my defences, looking for a chink in my armour.

Tempting me to stop trying anymore when I feel deeply that I can only try harder.

Finding ways to work on that includes knowing that everything starts with me.

I have a responsibility to myself first, not in a selfish way, in a generous one.

If I'm no good to me, no wonder others don't think I'd be good for them.

If I can't treat myself with respect and love no-one else will want it.

All just random thoughts springing from yet another period of depression and failures.
An old habit trying desperately to cling on to some kind of hold on me.
All I can do is try to be happy with myself and that is attractive.
Not try to be whatever someone else wants, and hope,
that that could ever be enough when it never is.

I'll never give up working towards what I've always needed.

To be accepted by myself...

Light &
Love
Jon
x