Judging Others Condemns Yourself

Despite the fact that I've been unemployed for two months and suffering with old ways of seeing and dealing with the world I can take lots of positives from this period. It's given me the time to really face up to lots of things, I've been staying up late and often sleeping well into the day and sometimes for up to twelve hours. I'd wake up and think, hmmm I could sleep for a few more sod it. Several different issues have reared their ugly heads all at once so it became quite a struggle to work out which to sort out first. In the long run, I can see that I needed this time, however frustrating it has been to seemingly just follow old patterns, to actually find a way through them and maybe even once and for all ;)

Whilst I've been trying to get over someone, I've also had the very new problem of someone else having feelings for me that I couldn't return and at the same time a very real personal spiritual crisis. Watching a long video lead me to see the entirety of the last several thousand years in a completely different light, I am drawn to things and people that can help me to understand. I started to doubt everyone and everything and at one point I felt like I was on to something, almost immediately I also had the suspicion that I was starting to lose my grip on reality. Maybe I was just losing something that doesn't serve me whilst fearing what would be left behind afterwards. I know I didn't go too far, just too fast, but I enjoy a difficult challenge.

So I pulled back from the brink, holding on to anyone or anything too tightly just makes it slip from your fingers. I got the distinct feeling of fear wash over me, and as much as I have embraced that in the past I made the decision not to go there this time. Also I began rereading books that I haven't read for several years, partly out of boredom as I really dont have anything else worthwhile to do. I've taken in lots of different sources of information and gleaned whatever I needed from them all. I use my own intuition and instincts to decide what feels right and let everything else drop away.

As much as there are plenty of good things to learn from the past, both in my own life and in the lives and works of others, I have the distinct impression that what has come before was just what was needed at the time. I don't hold much love for any of the religions traditions, only the spiritual ones that speak of love for your fellow human beings and the whole of creation.

For me equality is a very important standard. I don't see differences between the two sexes.

I also think it is very important for any group to only travel at the pace of its slowest member.

Right now the contemplation of the last few weeks has lead me back to what I feel not what I think. Stuff the different messages coming out of the various sources, lots of religious dogma contradicts itself. One way says this is good and that is bad and others say something quite different but similar. It's all very confusing.

I had also been coming to a point of really believing in good as a force in the world and that lead unsurprisingly to at least the idea that bad maybe also in evidence and I feared that was true.

All I know is that we all have choices and potential.

Our potential is our starting point and then each decision leads us down a different road.

Some people choose the bad and that sets a pattern for the rest of their lives.
Some choose the good and that sets them off on a completely different path.

We all make mistakes but learning from them now is much better than repeatedly making them in more and more extreme ways until they can become unbearable.

The idea is to never become too comfortable otherwise we're set in our ways.

We all love to create habits but they soon become ruts.

Taking things and people for granted.

Using them.

I have to agree with a lot of things people have said to me, at the same time it was all coming from their point of view. In my mind I have a journey to go on at my own pace.

So right as they may have been, I was right too, to take things slowly, to let things work themselves out, stop trying to force the situation.

People in my life have had issues, old friends, current friends, new friends.

As much as I tried to resolve these things, in the end they did it for themselves.

I kept inside a wish for their problems to be resolved and looked into ways to help.

As long as I don't get stuck thinking certain things, they seem to find their own way.

It's been a long downward spiralling from a feeling of such sweet joy
To returning to who I used to be and I'm not happy about it
But I've managed not to fuck up too massively
Learn from experience
Love &
Light
Jon
x