It Feels Shit
The magical feeling that I had for many months last year has gone to a large extent. I suppose that is a normal reaction to the rollercoaster ride of paradigm shifts. I've flip flopped (dont like em anyway they're uncomfortable and silly and my feet dont look nice at the best of times) back and forth quite a bit. Tried and tested lots of different opinions and come back to the idea that I should find one person and have them mean as much to me as I do to them and stick with it. However I must add that it would take me a while to see one person as the be all and end all and I can't see why if you love other people too, that expressing that should be an obstacle to having a best friend that means the most at the same time ;) It's all very confusing as I've only ever loved one person at a time before, whereas these days there are several that I love to different extents. I also see this as some kind of future memory of how things may be once we are all one.
I suppose there was always going to be a bit of tension because I was always a very natural person who found everyone else very unnatural. Now I'm open and honest as I always was and manage to be as normal as you would like me to be, not trying to push my theories onto anyone else. I let you ask questions or I volunteer the answers that you need to hear to realise that it's ok to feel different inside to what the outsiders (almost everyone else) seem to expect of us.
My friend is such a good example. It's been very lonely to find someone I thought could be my best friend and royally fuck that up to the point that I just felt like an idiot abroad again. The friend I'm talking about here isn't in my life at the moment, I am spending time with a brother from another mother however and although we both agree a female version of that relationship would be our ideal, for the moment we are each others besty, in terms of the time we are spending together and the things we are able to express.
Doesn't change the fact that I miss my miss. Stopped thinking about her as often, although as usual I am convinced that some of the time, she is thinking of me first which brings she to my mind. I have a connection to the people in my life and often I and my thoughts are miles away from everyone and everything right here. I get brought back down to earth by the daily routines we all go through to get by, occasionally people spring to mind and if it didn't seem like my idea then I assume it was yours. ( sexism in our language makes it ok to describe someone as he but not as she - when I call mother nature she all the time too... Think about it)
I've been backwards in coming forwards because that has often lead to me being rejected.
I used to put people on pedestals and not see them for who they really are, rather who I would like them to be which was a symptom of my first relationship that was so tragically romantically perfect. We met while I was young and naive (I feel like I still am in many ways mind ;)
I helped to search for your missing horse and have always had a thing for anyone who loves animals, a desire to work with them too. My careers advisor suggested two separate and quite opposite sounding choices for my personal development and future working life.
Vetinary Nurse
Computer Studies
That speaks to the fact that I have always struggled where people are concerned. To me there is an obvious parallel between those two seemingly opposed areas of study. Neither animals or computers have any desire to be fraudulent in their dealings with the human they are experienced by. Unless someone else has interfered in their natural development of course.
To me the pedestals were a way of changing the reality of you into something I could match up to my own inner worlds. In my mind everything is perfect and everyone is happy, or at least that was the way it used to be until I started accepting the way things are in your minds.
My heart has become much better at choosing the right person at the right time.
No longer is my love so blind as to find someone I thought was pretty fucking perfect for me only to later realise how impractical or just plain wrong it was. Of the three people that I have put on that pedestal, after putting myself so low as a priority as to feel unworthy of a single step off the floor, the last was not so high as the first was and neither was I so low down on the agenda.
That first relationship ended after I discovered you were anorexic, bulimic and suffering from p.t.s.d. Not because I wanted it to, but because you kept pushing me away so hard that in the end I went. I didn't know what any of those things were, I didn't have the strength because I was so fucked up to help you to heal and I tried to be your friend, which wasn't enough for you.
I know that was the right thing to do. I know you couldn't carry on that way. You needed and got help and today as far as I know it's all behind us both. I forgave myself for not helping you then, or afterwards because I was too afraid to fail, too afraid to try, too afraid of everything.
So my most recent failure to see someone for who they really are, see things how they really are, and I count you among the reasons why btw because you weren't very forthcoming, I couldn't seem to get much out of you once you had decided to see me as whatever it was you saw me as, some sad little urchin or mad little sea monster, I really don't know. I hope that you were doing the right thing by me not avoiding my attempts to do the right thing by you ;)
I still like you very much and not because I am in love with you although I may still be a little bit.
My heart is choosing much more intelligently these days, because in many respects I came to see why the other people I have had that depth of feeling for in the past were right not to let me in.
I would have just been unhappy with them or they with me. I would have been trying to be and they to me what we both assumed we needed. I need space to explore who I am and you've given it to me, in the way that every man feels, a woman psy'chic'ally knows when a man is over his obsession and just wants to be friends again, or something more only not on his terms any longer. After all equality is something more than merely a concept in human relationships, it's about give and take and a sum of parts making two people more than they were alone.
I think I've learned my lesson quite well with so little experience... After all I didn't have a girlfriend or even a first kiss until I was 20, three months later we were having mostly rubbish sex because we had declared our love for one another and 5ish months after that it was all over for us. I am a quick learner aren't I? Shyness and anxiety ruined any chance for some practise up until then. My mind was always wandering off way too far into the future and that entailed a whole lot of things that I had no idea of and lots of fear about, that's a symptom of the fact that I can project my vision of the world today with very little information right out into the end of time. So getting a little carried away by the wonderfulness of being in the presence of someone quite so lovely as to dare to spend some quality time with me, was more than intoxicating.
Particularly for a person like me who never really thought, or could accept, that I was lovely at all. I can take compliments now, my self esteem is quite secure-ish, I found that it came from within me after complete strangers quickly became my friends whilst walking my way across Spain from East To West a few years ago on my own for the first time abroad. I had gone there determined not to come back and soon realised who and what I missed and who and what were merely habits left well alone, some are still alone, some I have reconciled with at least a little.
We were all alone over there, and I couldn't see any motives, had stopped looking for them.
Trusted myself again, trusted others again, sorted me fucking head out at last.
Living the here and now is much more enoyable than many flights of fancy.
I miss you but you already know how I feel because I told you.
It might be nice once you know, to hear how you feel.
Sooner or later I may find someone new who my heart is even more certain about but it's only happened to me so rarely that afterwards I had to agree wholeheartedly with it's choice.
Love aint blind, it's blindly loving that was the problem before, but I was honest about my own faults and could see your foibles.
They only seemed to make me more fond of you dammit ;)
Ciao for now mi amiga
Love
Jon
x
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