Happy Summer Solstice So Mote It Be

Cherhill White Horse

 Went alone this year, the weather forecast put off my companion of the last few years, and we'd even scailed things down from cycling 25 miles there and back in a day to half the distance, to driving last year so I head out and got to Cherill in well under an hour.  Not far to go to a secretive little turn off the A4 to park up a comfortable walking distance from Avebury without all the hassle of getting into the National Trust Car Park, and a nice place to go back to, to try and get some kip.

The rolling hills of Wiltshire

Walked into Avebury as usual, past the quaint cottages, many thatched little beauties.  Decided to head straight to Silbury Hill before losing the light, or the predicted weather came in.

Only noticed (or had forgotten) that the church in Avebury is called St James of ;) (patron and destination of a certain pilgrimage that I go on about a lot anyone?)

 Got to Silbury and resisted the temptation to use the path walked into the meadow, straight up onto it.

Aha Silbury Hill I see you peeking ;)

Got an U.O. on the horizon and I stopped caring about them yonks ago

 Headed back and ran into two friends from past adventures.  Lovely to see you both and check out your beast of a truck.  Thanks for the beer, no thanks one will do me, I don't drink much anymore.  Safe journey to the henge guys! :)

Ah The Red Lion, SORTED!  (Lemon and Thyme chicken breast with new potatoes and dressed salad  garnish yum)

 Settled in at the RED Lion, only to see three aquaintances from the Bristol massive!  Awesome to see some friendly faces, I hope you enjoyed the summer solstice at Avebury, it's a bit different to the winter one.

Where the rain shy, and others hang out

 Walked back to the car a few times, to get squash and try to sleep the first time, and to get squash and bring it back to the campsite the next time, lots of walking around here and there, lots of running down and into the ditches and back up again, with that friendly dog, chasing a stick, hanging out with a lot of interesting characters.  Met some awesome people, I hope to see you guys again sometime.  Buckle get on my Facebook and set me up with info about that cool job of yours please :) And Pip was amazing to meet someone like you ;) and talk so openly about so many things.  Seems to be a habit, people opening up to me, and opening up to people, nice change...

Torrential rain brought out frogs, toads, slugs and snails in the lots and lots

Druid guy talks about the end of time (in December)

 Stood waiting for the sun to rise and shine, waited a lot longer than 5:00am for the shining part ;)

Oh so what are the white flowers growing on the barrow hill?

 Took a stroll back past Silbury Hill and up onto the hill to visit West Kennet Long Barrow, so Silbury is the largest prehistoric human made monument in Europe (others may soon be recognised that are far larger ;)  The Barrow is quite acoustically fine when drummers are drumming and others add their voices, all I had was a loud woman talking so all could hear about her drum getting wet and a snoring guy, but was good to revisit.

Oxeye Daisies by the many

Honestly say the best solstice for years if not of them all, the people I met, the turn of events, magical little happenings, the timing of things, from the rain when everyone was just shattered and getting wet under the trees where we sheltered by the stones once it really came down, everyone virtually ran for it...

Discovered Hi Vis Spider

There ya go, back to nature?

The feeling of the place is extraordinary, it feels vaguely of coming home, having been to Avebury every year for the Summer Solstice since 2005, except trip to The Henge of Stone in '06...  The little thoughts as you get close, the little things remembered from the other journeys, walking the last mile or so, meeting so many new and interesting people and running into a guy who came to the free party on the Badminton estate in April randomly, so all in all met lots of folks I'd met before, including a guy last seen at a Tribe of Frog but originall met at Cosmo last year, and someone new in particular that made my week day far less boring.

The buzz wasn't just from the Honey Mead, meditation in this place, the calming effect of the natural beauty of the surrounding area, all other thoughts just aren't important for the time you spend there, sending out and breathing in a loving atmosphere, or peace (at times) and joy.

Light &
Love
Jon
x

Medication Dedication Meditation

I was addicted to things, even now as I have been away from the temptations, away from the chemicals, left addictions behind, I have smoked a few cigarettes, I have drunk a few pints of cider, ok five or six watching the england game the other night, and then regretted the cider, had a night sweat, anxiety attack, or as I see it, a time of waking early then lying there in anxious thinking mode, working my way through things, I would normally walk them off, lately I lie there, going over things.

Slowly the lack of medication in my system, the lack of pain relief from my addiction to cannabis, I feel old.

Noticing things I had assumed weren't an issue or more honestly had stopped caring about or hadn't even noticed, grey hairs where I've stopped shaving my head until it gets messy around my ears.


Nasal hairs, sense of smell returned and then not noticeable, at least I can smell the scent of jasmin and honeysuckle in the wilds of the woodland around me, I tend to stop doing the things I love like walking, although that was partly because the thoughts would come to the surface when I was out and about.

Using positive thinking, positive attitude, feeling more like that, far less stressed, so confused over the last few months, don't know why things were happening, I suppose there is an aspect of having stopped daily usage of some things, the occasional use meant it hit hard, like an ex heroine addict going back to their usual dosage and over doing it.

Now I can't seem to enjoy anything, no weed, no nicotine, no other chemicals, am I the first one on the edge of the cliff with several behind me?  I see that everyone else in the music scene (psytrance) are still hitting everything hard, still out all the times, still partying.

And now I find the meditation working, can see with the lights out and my eyes closed a ball of conciousness, growing slowly, a light there within, so I can see why I must be in pain still, otherwise I would not keep trying, I would be my lazy self, give up the routines, go back to my old habits.

I would like to believe and so I will, that in front of me is a time, no a reality, when this will all make sense.

And so it will, because it must, or else it will have been for nought.

Things must move quickly from now on and I feel like they will.

Slowly getting my instincts back, finding the joy in being out in nature again, seeing things in the old way.

My eyesight is playing up, gonna have to go get a test and maybe glasses, the last of my family to do so.

Thickening toenail on the big one on my right foot, don't think it's fungal, more likely to be damage from ill fitting footwear and hard work of the last few weeks.

Getting old, feeling aches and pains like never before or were they there and were ignored or not felt so keenly?

This whole place is so perverse, still in contact, saving myself for a few times, Avebury for the solstice.

Walking holiday along the canal path in a few weeks time.

So I suppose I am still hanging in there, waiting to be happy again.

Letting and finding that the things that had come so close to the surface slowly fading into the background again.

They are there to keep me honest, drive me forward.

It's hard to know, hard to feel, finding I can spend a while, and my mind needs my attention.

I must keep quieting it down, in the past I was numbed by my pain, by my habits.

Not the same person anymore.

Doubting the validity of things, I used to have a sense of whether something agreed with my own sense, my own inate internal sense of truth.

There are so many opinions out there, so many different versions of 'the truth'.

So much of todays world is based on supposition.

So I will keep on having an open mind with the idea that with that as my guide I will see what I believe.

So I must not believe in anything too strongly, must keep being versatile.

I wake up, find it hard to get up, don't feel rested, feel lethargic, don't do things I know I should.

This way that way signposts everywhere, do they all lead to the same place eventually?

This is all written on the fly, don't spend time thinking about things.

Feel strangely stoned at times, when I haven't been near the green grass of my old homeland.

Focus, intention, try to enjoy things.

Slowly progressing, less wishing for the way things were, because as fun as it was it wasn't right.

When I finish work I just want to lay down and sleep for eternity, after a shower of course.

Humour returning, darkly ironic, some thoughts seem strangely off, did I used to have them?

Breathing, watching my breath, chanting internally, light & love, energising my system.

Do I learn Reiki?  There is no scientific evidence for it though as being anything beyond placebo.

One article says this the other that another another this another that, tit for tat.

I know that I can heal, others feel what I do as clearing their aura.

I don't know about that, I instinctively touch where I should.

I massage away pain, move it from here to there and away.

Need to be around good people, maybe meditate together.

I believe that the heart is so powerful, the ancient and the new age and a newer one?

The next one?  You see I don't feel I was born and so I won't die.

No disrespect to my parents, don't all children doubt they are the offspring of the ones they live with?

Wasn't I adopted?  That's the feeling not necessarily the actual thinking behind a sense.

This whole place is not real, it's the outbreath not an expanding universe.

So I'll just have to play along, keep developing internally.

What I feel seems more real that what I see...

So when will I just write normally again?

Who knows...

Light &
Love
Jon
x

One Moment in Time

Time is an arse, it doesn't exist...

A future time is not here yet, a past time is not here either...

The past is dead, the future not yet alive, now is the only moment, not in time, time is without meaning anymore.

I have known things I didn't learn until years later, I have known things that I learn't years before I was born.

Growing up ripples came through 'time' from the ancient past via intuition
Growing old ripples come back to me from a future period not reached

To know this is to feel, I shut down, I dumbed down, I closed down.

I feared more hurt and revealed old ones so deep I had forgotten, fogiven them, forgiven myself

Those wounds are still fresh now, drive me on now, forging my resolve now.

I know I will await judgement at a later date, I have waited long enough
Suffered enough, wallowed enough, given in to the pain.

Took control the only way I knew how by stopping everything,
quit everything, found myself quitting everyone too, so self centred.

So self concious, I was tempted to curl up into a ball and let the world die
Wanted at points to relive those old times, make the same promises

This life, love is not for me, I am not worthy of anything or anyone
And yet, given the same stresses, the same situations
I have pushed forward, pushed on, moved on

Cut to the chase, felt the hot breath of death on the back of my neck
I could have, have had the thought that I should have, ended it all

I have suffered psychologically, wanted to scream out, scratch out my eyes
Now recognise, seeing finally, that the end was the beginning and the end

At the lowest ebb, at the lower end of the spectrum, when everything died
When I was finally recognising and reliving those hapless days, quitting this
quitting that, losing this and that, making old mistakes, losing my sanity yes

Losing what I thought I had gained, what I was experiencing was not good
It wasn't what I thought, it was the numbing, the death throws,the violent extra time
Second half of the finest game I've ever played, everything was psychedelic, everything
I was not doing my life long habits, had grown out of many of them, I have the strength back

Am regaining my control, still there are moments, I have to work on my focus, meditating, using the time
Spending long periods on positive thinking, positive steps, cleaning up my space, my act, regrounding

Getting back my love of life, of nature, working a bit, so tired at night but then can't drop off to sleep
So I am setting some assignments, saying some affirmations, deciding on some journey statements

From now on I will sleep easily and deeply, spirit within and without, no beliefs, just faith in me

From now on, I will not suffer like I have, I will continue to work hard on everything

From now, in the now, right now, hoping, praying, saying, feeling, getting in touch

Setting my intentions like the timer on the video recorder, record the good

The bad can go fuck itself, I'm not joining in no more, had made that quite clear a long time ago

No such thing as time anyway, it's an oxymoron, there is only now

Right now, here and now, in the middle of the river, in the flow

Coincidences happening again, as much as I doubt my choices

Slowly they are coming to fruition, trusting again
Slowly believing again

Knowing it was all for good, all for the best
into context

Light &
Love
Jon
x

So Fucking Miserab-Les

So concious of waste, so concious of rampant consumerism around me, the unconcious decisions that allow someone to just go out and buy shit they dont need, to talk themselves into their next purchase, 'oh whatever excuse will allow me to go buy some new shit to replace old shit that there's nothing wrong with or maybe I just don't like any more'...

So fucking miserable right now generally, lows lower highs higher, lows lows lows....

My stomach pains me constantly, stress and depression feed it's pain and it's pain feeds depression.

Let's get pizza for tea, ok my stomach says no, my attempts to be good and eat boring healthy food, ignored, scattered over with talk of if we order enough they'll deliver...  All this empty talk, if you got more exercise and ate healthily instead of starving yourself in public and private and then eating lots of crap when no-one is looking and getting a gym membership.  I'm ranting and raving and I don't want to hurt the people closest to me that are just living the life they think is right, or the one they would like to lead.

I don't, I wasn't on this course, I was eating healthily before I got all depressed, I had a positive attitude, a something good will always come along attitude and it did, I always walked into a job, I always found the right thing to do next.  As it is I'm being slowly dragged back to that whilst my temptations are to eat junk, ice creams in the freezer, chocolate bars in the cupboard, it's like I've got the muchies and no will power, and I'm not even smoking weed to make that make sense.

Can't get my ass out into the countryside to recharge my batteries, am just able to keep doing the things I have to as I always have.

This fucking mental retardation, this psychological back-step-wards, making me so fucking able to see my misery, so fucking clearly I am the person I used to be, only I am forcing myself to use the phone, forcing myself to do things, forcing the force within, without...

So fucking miserable, I feel I've lost so much, gained well...

Reality is what I've gained by the look of it.

The reality of mortality, when I know this whole place is an illusion.

So at the same time there is the knowing coming on, the enlightenment, the being inside, not sensing externally, reaching out from inside, two things, two extremes at once.

So overwhelmed by the gaudy shops and the lack of human contact required, so many idiots on the road out for themselves driving like cunts, so many selfish bastards and in the middle there's me trying to be good, getting sucked in, YES I'LL HAVE A FUCKING PIZZA, my guts are killing me again anyway, I won't have any cider as I don't even like drinking alcohol now, the anxiety doesn't like it.

I had a good weekend, did some illicit drugs, noticed how moreish they were and just how easily I wanted to grab more and do more and just get to where I'd like to be and feel by cheating.

I felt so amazingly connected to my body, to the feeling within of energy, of dancing, trancing, and being able to join in, until you drop, and give me twenty winks, two hours rest, a little more dancing.

So I feel lost, and so concious all the time that it's killing me, and my little cunt of a shadow inside keeps saying you're a sponge, you're not contributing anything, why don't you just kill yourself?

Not that I take that seriously, it feels so lonely to be so concious all the time, I feel so low, get home, go to sleep for three hours in the middle of the day to catch up because I can't get to sleep at night, wake up early with the birds and noisy animal things, don't have the energy to wear out in the day, so low, so tired of this place, this illusion, filled with such wastes of space and time, such temptations, such lows, and so few natural highs, everything costs something, emotionally, monetarily is the worst one.

So what do I do?

Well there's no way I#m gonna top meself, the way I see it my shadow is here and is fading back inside slowly, it just keeps rearing it's head when I haven't had any sleep, I know it well, it was the feeling of hunger inside for something that I've lost, my connection to spirit, to my spirit, to my strength,to my inner reality.

And it's so tempting to just self implode, self destruct.

And yet I went out last night and did something I've never done before, I went to a spiritualist church, got a healing too, which was really nice, I'm so numb, I don't see anything in my minds eye, so disconnected, this old me in the new me's place.

This is my chance to actually make a change, become individuated, set myself apart.

I kinda want to enter a monastery, good diet, lots of exercise, disciplined routine, I'm not smoking nicotine or weed no more, I've been good, am reading up on lots of things again, trying to understand this fucked up place, hold on, let go, hold out until december, if something doesnt happen between then and now I'm gonna be so pissed off it's untrue... ;)

I'm finding this whole process so similar but much more real than ever before to the things I've gone through.

It's like becoming a teenager again only this time without the crutches, no close friends as then, the resistance to keep putting this shit on the one I have, they've got their own shit, I'm so fucking selfish, but the pain is helping, it's making me make the right choices, learn the lessons...  The wind outside, I meditated, calmed my mind, calmed my thoughts, went deep inside.

I cried again last night, it was after the healling, I was sat there while my friend was receiving hers, and I grimaced, which turned to tears falling easily, and let out the pent up emotion, I haven't gone out into the woods and just screamed my head off, cos I feel so numb, not sure if there's any screams there to let out.


Using this pain, going deeper inside, got some good things going on, in a way I saw this coming, I said there were bigger challenges to face and the knowing of that scared me off, I dived out of the way of the oncoming storm, feeling so rank, so wank, no libido, just no interest in anything except learning more about ways to realise the true reality, change it, draw forth the things I would like to do, to be, change, stop moaning.

Come to terms, went back to childhood, saw myself for who I really was, am, will be.

This is shit, it really is, and the more I go on about it the more I feel like I'm creating it.

So here goes...

From today, I will keep having the attitude that everything happens for a reason.

That everything I want or need will come into my life, just ask is it right for me?

Then let the process unfold, take the steps I should take, keep trying, offering.

Keep looking, reading, learning, stop looking back, stop yearning for the old.

Those days are gone, not jealous of others' living their lives, go for it people.

I know this is for a good reason, I have to put it into context for it to work.

I have to write my own story, work out a happy ending, live both plots.

The one where I get to massage and garden, work hard in the days.

Take away pain in the evenings, not care about being a lazy cunt.

I have to keep going inside, I must know the truth, feel it be it.

There is a level of understanding called the felt prescence of direct experience...

I saw and am starting to see the truth externally, in this crazy world.

Where everything is going downhill and mental and yet sane too.

It's all going to the dogs, the cats and the mice, in whose best laid plans we surely figure slightly...

This is all written on the fly cos I just don't have the time, won't give the time to thinking anymore.

I can't do anything but be severely in the moment these days, if I find myself projecting into the future I kick my ass and stop the mind movies from playing, I try not to go over and over the past or things he said or I said, although it's almost impossible not to spend a little time echoing the recently enjoyable when the current moment can be so fucking miserable.

So gotta keep on accepting the present I've given myself...

I know it's for the best, I am slowly doing the hardest work of my life.

My instincts are coming back, I said fuck you and pushed my luck last night.

Which lead to me greedily going after a dirty burger, my shadow was hungry for grease and bun, I knew it was a mistake, I used the excuse of using main roads rather than country lanes because of the weather, which lead to me going into stroud to see if mcdonalds was open, which it wasn't but to find that out I sped through town and got flashed by a speed camera, so that's a few quid down the drain, as usual stupid thinking, stupid knowing, not going with what I knew, what I felt, so I end up being a twat and getting more reasons to have no money left, this is so difficult, life was so easy before, never felt this tricky, every second.

The last few months don't even have a proper record, my memoies are shot,  no order, no time frame, the experience seems muddled, seems rough shod, seems out of context, seems queezy, my poor stomach...

There have been times in the past, when I would find an event coming up, in the social calendar, the point to point, badminton horse trials, anything that holds or held a strong historical link to my past, I would feel that age again, I would seem to look that age, get the spots, the nerves before, the loose bowels, go back in time, get all nervous despite my progress, I regress, I regret...  This is the last time I can do any of that I think, I am therefore I think, that I should not do that anymore...

This time I have to push on, be, do, don't pretend, don't scew? Scue? Sque? Squew? Skew... ah thanks sis.  I haven't written, haven't used my mind like this for a while, although I have been writing a lot lately, just venting this shit... I've stopped telling others what I'm feeling, cos I don't want to depress them or myself any further.

I want to experience it at the time, work with it not against it, don't want a victim mentality to emerge, don't want to label what I feel or experience, just want to use it as ammo, immunition, to gain immunity from my past, vaccinate myself, get back the faith in me, the faith in my connection to nature, to spirit, to whatever you want to call the great other...  I was on a roll, my hearing was healed, it was my perspective that made me assume things go wrong as you get older, the body ages yes and I was on the way to knowing, being an ageless human, not an aging human being...  I was on the way whether it was just in my mind or not.  The energy of the universe, the cosmos, I need to find my way back to that, and I was getting there safely up until a point.  A singularity, hilarity, the sense of humour of the cosmic giggle, stop laughing at me, laughing with me, I didn't take myself too seriously, this is hard, it's supposed to be, nothing worthwhile is easy...

Fucking typical, I will survive this period.

Energy, whatever you want to call it.

I had it, I was it, I felt it, could give it, share it, live it, love it.

Slowly ever so, I was cautious as I felt in a way that to connect was to energise the negativity, the ways in which the attitudes of those around me have always fed me, always lead me, always I was that which I was with, now I'm striving to be alone, and yet connected... Alone at last, able to go my own way, I did say I would go to hell and back if it meant bringing some people, some other lost souls with me.  What a mistake to make, I'm not going anywhere but upwards from now on though, as much as the dark days are apparent, I know I'm facing the right direction, it's just slow going, just so fucking tempting to turn around and dive back down, I felt the love, got someone, some people willing to show me, give me a chance, they aren't that bad.  Still have thoughts of they want to kill me, they want to hurt me, totally improper, totally imagination, sick fascination, no reality to it just my own vivid and sick imagination, my own way of making me doubt, because my trust has been misplaced in the past, I've been let down, I learnt not to trust...

Gotta keep on discerning, learning, earning, yearning, I am so tired, need some sleep, exercise, sleep.

When's that pizza here?  And what about pudding?  I've put on some weight.

I'm going to do some magical things when I get back from this shithole.

Light &
Love
Jon
x

Lest we forget

Memories are hard to come by...  Can't seem to piece it all together, although I do now have some peace, and feel more together ;)

Looking back through photo albums and captains log (blog) entries I'm finding my ship was indeed wayward sailing, at times at the behest of the wild wind that blew through my skull, at times just in the doldrums most recently...  Bereft of a breeze, no energy or faith that the gust would drive me on,just fear that the wind was gone from my sails forever.  Everything so real and yet unreal at the same time.

Periods of darkness and despair unlike any I've felt before and so flipping harsh, if it was all just anxiety then that was so utterly terrifying at times that I can see how difficult it is to cope with and have gained a new found respect for everyone and anyone who has anything to deal with, for me it felt like I was going totally crazy.

I don't doubt that there are aspects of things I said or did that appeared exactly that...

Psychotic, bewildering, lovely, awesome, awful, de-light-ful...

So the photos of trips I took, the comments wrote, the blog entries that made or make no sense to this day to me, just seem like the utterances of someone in dire need of a shoulder to cry on, someone lost in their own steep learning curve, someone capable of almost anything internally who externally did no-one no harm, imagined or real...  I didn't hurt anyone but myself, if reading or being on the receiving end of hurtful gossip doesn't count.  Maybe I scared some people, so rather than do anything they ignored, turned a blind eye, left me to my own devices, except a boss who I regret turning on and would like to apologise to, a couple of parents (mine) who intervened but were still ignored as I was still as far as I knew fine to all intents and purposes, until afterwards when others comments seaped within and touched me deep, until I started to doubt myself, until I started to question, look at what and where and who and why and when and huh?  Wondering am I?

Are they right?  Should I?  What should I?

Finding I turned on myself, my psyche finally giving up on me, and turning nasty in the process.

Bad thoughts and feelings about me and others, doubting their sincerity, doubting my sanity...

Now I feel mostly ok with some hints and achey breaky heartfelt pangs of injustice,
the vagueness inside is still there like a scar, the feelings of mental images not the picture

I keep remembering, and bringing it back to mind, but it's not as real no more

I'm ploughing through even more books, doing the daily routines again.

Finding I don't have the strength or resilience I once did, maybe that was a fine line that I had crossed.

Pushed too hard and too fast as usual maybe,

all the years of smoking toking, head throbbing, numbing, finally succombing, my heads much better now.

The occasional seems ok at last, nothing too heavy.

Reading stuff to garner some hints n tips.

Going to feel my way through from now.

Working on me, not the world as much.

Can't keep spreading myself so thinly.

Don't want to disappoint but there's a new strength within.

The ability to say no, that outspoken guy is still here but won't pick a fight with idiots no more.

Don't want to keep butting heads with egos that don't listen and can't act from a place of learning.

Some people aren't themselves when you try to raise issues with them, it's their conditioned responses.

So I've got to pick my fights, finding that I can cope as I've been tested so well, my own innerds kicked
my ass so hard into next week and last week and yesterday and today and tomorrow that I've been all
over the place, searching for meaning, searching for memories, searching for a sticking post to anchor.

It's me, anchorred now within and without.

There are certain magical things happening again

Coincidences, some traps being set for my footsies.

Gotta keep my wits about me, and not use them just to keep others at arms length.

Lots of chances, I want to go to nepal and learn massage and teach english so maybe I will

I want to walk 500 miles again in Spain from the French Pyrenees to the west coast of europe.

So maybe I will, when I don't know, no need to be hard and fast when everything is up for grabs.

For the moment, content to be alive, happi-er than I was, capable of living with myself for periods.

Capable of being myself without worrying, doing those things I would have let make me so nervous.

Got some strength back, some of the confidence that was a front, the storm front of my journey last year.

The front, not cold, a warm front, that came from within the stormiest 8-10 hours of my life at Waveform.

That day was my end and my beginning, all the stuff I'd learnt, felt, experienced up until then put into shade.

Now I can feel again, I can work again, but within limits, I know I'm not a superhuman anymore, not yet.

Maybe there is some wiggle room in the future, but for now I am happy to just cope, just be, sleep in.

Eat well, sleep well, work hard when I can, do the right things, learn from my mistakes, not make them again.

Rewrite my own story, put it all into context, as bad things happening for good reasons

Light &
Love
Jon
x

At a moments noticed

I often lived in the moment, if something happened yesterday, I wouldn't be too keen to discuss it, go over it again.  Often would create a script, the same story gets retold to save me having to think or relive it.  That's a fraud, the story you tell of something that has already been, is just a view, just a perspective, from where you saw it from...

Having had some pretty fucking awful moments lately, living in those at the time was fucking unbareable, I suppose it's the great thing, worst thing about that kind of life.  Living and dying to the great and wonderful to the same extent.  Seemingly getting better, finding it hard to relax into the things I just did without too much thought.  I still can't work out the whys and the wherefores, I can't work it out, can't find the solution, the cause of all causes.  I still don't, won't probably ever really know, was it a combination of things?

A wakeup call?  A failing in my own perspective?  Was it inevitable that I would fall so far?

I have a lifetime of negative thinking, a long period of never expecting good things, not being disappointed in that way, just rolling with the punches, getting by, doing whatever came along, not searching out the things I'd like.

I fell from a long way up, lost a lot of good feelings, lost a lot of confidence in me, them, us, everything.

The strange combination of times are all alive now, the bad, the good, the ugly, the dank.

Temptation is there to carry on as before, good temptations are less appealing, mean hard work now...

Good times later.

Temptation, elation, expectation...  Working, not experiencing such terrible anxiousness in the morning.

More faith in me, less stress, finding that silence, the peace within, finding the way to it, silencing the doubts.

Got such a good feeling the other night, conversing with a friend, someone I don't know well, but we just talked and talked online, in that way that face to face makes difficult sometimes, inhibitions gone, I do that a lot and so so miss having close friends to talk to like that, especially with females, but males too if their not stuck within gender roles or open to that, I don't discriminate...  I'm non gender specific...

I can be whatever, wherever, whoever, finding my feet, not wondering, not caring, just being.

The weekend was so much fun, Saturday picking up three complete strangers at Gloucester station.

Getting to the party site and meeting friends as they arrived.

There is still a lot of inhibition without a little or a lot of help.

Making smile, laughing, smiling, dancing, stomping, stripping haha I can't help myself I love having my top off and just pounding the floor with my feet, so much better than a sopping wet tshirt clinging to my sweaty skin, bouncing, changing, running off to find something lost, running back and forth, is there better music over there?  Where is he, where is she, are you ok?  Spend some money, be generous, do something nice, spread the wealth, feel addicted to somethings, be careful, don't get sucked in, don't do that, can I do that?

Testing if I'm better, yes I am, no I'm not, little tests here little tests there, how do I feel about this, that, them?

Feeling ok, knowing I will have to give up again, knowing I can have a ltitle of what I like but could so easily get sucked back in again, had so much fun though, felt like with drink it's tiring, had drunk all afternoon, stay awake, keep dancing, a little but don't be too upset when there's no more, hey you!

So many happy faces, so much going on, massage here, bum feel there, thanks for that, you have a fine ass, and thanks for putting it in my hands, healing there, another, giving energy in my mind that's what I'm doing, sending vibes, sending intentions good ones, good vibrations...

You felt it as something positive, that was the intention, I don't feel it, maybe a little heat in my hand.

Someone said I should learn to do reiki, that wud heal me, I like the feeling of relaxation, not sure I feel anything  beyond that as such.  So much resistance within me at times, so much is buried so deep, where it can only be accessed by great hurt or help...  I've put so much aside, kept it so well hidden, your smile works its magic, poking out my tongue at you cheeky, loving the chance to just be, dance, shake, wake up inside, feel something good all over, naturally mind you, a few balloons, now some rest for a few weeks, summer solstice at avebury coming up, nothing else planned, not going out as much, no great rush to push for a permanent job, be careful, in the past I've taken risks too soon, been all or nothing so often.

Take my time is so fucking hard, I like to rush in, like fools do, been such a joker, a fool, a tool, of my own demise, cos that's how you act in the moment, you just act without thinking, and when I'm in the good place, not thinking isn't a problem, when i'm in a bad place, thinking at all is the problem, thinking thinking, takes over.

The memory of some thoughts, some imagery, still present,still fading, recent adaptation, recent addition to the cannon of things I'd rather forget.  Working that way, finding that the weekend made me forget everything, in the now it's not there, when I think about returning home, the negative association, connection is there again, back here, it's back here in my mind, vague but present, darn it, stupid thoughts and associations again, lack of sleep? lack of strength within? something weak within me?  something strong without?  Is it me?  Did I break through into somewhere?  All I can do is keep going, keep plugging on, keep being good, sleep well, eat well, healthy mind body soul spirit...

Mentally, physically, symbolically, spiritually...

Lovely people, lovely place, love was in the air

I felt it deep within me, sent it around, breathed it in, and out again

Sent it out, hugged it back, hugged everyone in my mind, visualising, sending out love bombs.

Someone called me the magic man, that was what Aletche called me, I found it ok, it suited me at the time

And someone I don't think new her, or new that called me it again, I felt like that again, I was almost there.

I am a mix of all of the things and people I've ever been, feeling like a can banish the bad and if not ignore it until it goes away and just keep on restoring my faith in others and myself, keep on testing, I believed in the magic of saying yes, picked up those strangers who are fast friends now, started doing some of the things I was last year, still working hard on myself, trying not to let others create problems, not let their take on things affect my way of giving things a certain je ne cest quoi...  I do not know what it is but it's growing again

Still going deeper, looking harder, or is that relaxing into the quest, just do the things that feel right, do the things that work, keep on doing the things that should lead somewhere good and don't judge the journey or destination, adding in things I'm still learning, still yearning for unconditional love, still finding others are or can be a little twisted, a little confused by it, by the fact I don't want anything they don't want to give, I'm not a taker, I expect to be offered, so I don't often get what I need but whatever it is I do find, I'm happy with.

I'm not greedy, any more much, not stressed, not grabbing...

But I can feel it inside, the way I would, the temptation.

Go back to the old ways, the old me, no I don't, I won't, I don't think so, I think not, not thinking, feeling now.

No more numbness, searching out feeling...

The core, not the talk, not walking the walk, the core, the depths, the deep, the hidden self

Who I am, what I am, when I am, finished I'll be ok...

I'm not done, we're not ready yet

Still work in progress

Work work work
Harder hard

Relax but not too much

I don't like to lose my way

Love
Jon
X

In a search for meaning

In a search for meaning...

... all I've found is confusion.

I've read books, articles, websites, all sorts of sources have informed my journey so far...

I've tried my best not to have too strong a connection, too let anything have too strong a hold on me in terms of my beliefs, the only thing I cling to with any fervour now is that I am, I am a good person, in a shitty world.

Transformational world, getting worse and better at the same time.

My perspective seems to have changed whole heartedly...

I can't believe many of the things that I did, it all starts and ends with each of us as individuals.

Looking outside for answers is failing, having to delve within.

Knowing, feeling, being the change in the world we wish to see.

Everything one person or organisation or group says is contradicted.

The only thing that cannot be swayed or argued against or for is the truth within.

Going deeper within, searching there, finding real sources of pain, entering into that.

Finding beyond the source of all sources, the peace and serenity that I once knew, again.

We are one, there is one source and we are aspects of it, looking back at each other with surprise.

Now I will continue to be informed, continue to search, will read but not accept at face value.

Seeing new truths within and without, in the faces and words that are spoken and unsaid.

Knowing that everyone is either faking it or lying or telling their own 'truth' as they see it.

We are all confused, or have layers of what we think is right conspicuous because of our own failings.

I am no exception, the things I am experiencing seem much more likely to be self serving,

my own fears, my own errors, attacking me, my own failure to deal with things.

sensing a weakness here, pushing, providing the impetus for me to change.

Or die trying, so I will keep on letting my own senses lead.

Feeling the bad days as keenly as the good.

Knowing I've turned the corner.

Seeing directly into the now.

No past, no future.

Here it is...
Love
Jon
x

Down with superstition Up with Superposition - What time is love?

The darkest hour is just before the dawn

Meaning

There is hope, even in the worst of circumstances.

Origin

This is one of those improving proverbs that are the stock in trade of the contemporary glut of self-help manuals and talking therapies. The darkest hour has long been used figuratively to mean 'the lowest ebb' and there are many such examples of it in print dating from the late 1700s.

The English theologian and historian Thomas Fuller appears to be the first person to commit the notion that 'the darkest hour is just before the dawn' to print. His religious travelogue A Pisgah-Sight Of Palestine And The Confines Thereof, 1650, contains this view:

It is always darkest just before the Day dawneth.

The source of the proverb isn't known. It may be Fuller himself, or he may have been recording a piece of folk wisdom. In 1858, much later than Fuller of course, Samuel Lover attributed the notion to the Irish, in Songs and Ballads:

There is a beautiful saying amongst the Irish peasantry to inspire hope under adverse circumstances:- "Remember," they say, "that the darkest hour of all. is the hour before day."

Quantum superposition is a fundamental principle of quantum mechanics. It holds that a physical system -- such as an electron -- exists partly in all its particular, theoretically possible states (or, configuration of its properties) simultaneously; but, when measured, it gives a result corresponding to only one of the possible configurations (as described in interpretation of quantum mechanics).

Being in every place at once and yet one at a time...  Time is a limiting factor, so when time stops being an issue, in other words when we are no longer measuring things using time, or when time is no longer a factor... There will be no limit...

You have to make up your mind in order to choose a state to be in...

Don't make up your mind, allow yourself to have the freedom to choose from one moment to the next.

Time therefore wil no longer be an issue...

Time will cease.  We will not.

Stop the clocks.

Start the life.

Love
Jon
x

P.S. I wasn't going to go into this as commenting and telling it as it was as it were, given that I can't write this as it happens, I can only write about things that have already been, have already occurred, and in that way only go on about  the past...  The last night, yesterday evening, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again, or close my eyes and never open them, the reason being that I am haunted by things I've done, things I thought I'd reconciled, forgiven myself for, decided weren't mine, weren't me, weren't my fault, weren't to be gone over and over anymore, they've come back, now again I have to reconcile, work out how to look at them again, had been forgiven, had forgiven myself, now I just wonder again. go over them again. clearly see the same ways in which they may or may not have lead to something else, may or may not have been my fault, may or may not be something I still should deal with, may or may not become an issue, may or may not have something to say, may or may not be something I should reveal, I know I can't I know I shant, I won't, I can't, I won't, I must not,I didn't, it wasn't me, it was my pain,it was my illness, it was not my choice, it was not the person I feel I am who did it, I will pay,I have paid, I will sacrifice,I have sacrificed my own life already for those deeds, I will give of myself,I have given up time and time again, I will do whatever, I am doing the best I can, learning to cope with the shame, let it go, delve deeper, realise, feel, express, access the emotional pain, express, access the feeling inside, access the numbness I thought I deserved, stop punishing myself, knowing this is all a facade, I have paid, I have pained, I live with it, I'll die with it, I will know when it's all over, I am working it off, finally my dues, dealing with the memories, dealing with did I, was it me, do I deserve to ever be happy, isn't this all just a trap a way to make me suffer?

Yes until I can suffer no more and learn to love

Until I can learn to let go

Surrender my pain

Suffer no more child of the earth, man of the earth
Suffer no more child of the starry heavens, man of the starry heavens suffer suffer suffer no more

Surrender

Answer the question... Who am I?

I am who?

and you are?

Me too...

Unless or until we forgive each other there's no end in sight...

Forgive those who trespass against us as we trespassed against them

We've all been here and done that, and some have the t-shirts to prove it

I've got the lot

<3

Midnight in the garden of good and bad (not evil)

So it's midnight, not really, actually it's 15:41 pm on the 27th May, my Mum's Birthday...

Sat in my room as usual on the internet, wondering just now how much farther the new internet hub sends wi-fi and whether I could manage to get a signal all the way down at the bottom of the garden...

Had an appointment with the Shaman today, and lots of synchronicities came together, still working on the things I was working on, now have new ones to work on, old things coming back to me, that I had already been thinking about, now confirmed...

Creativity, going to start drawing again, I don't draw from memory, and anything I try to draw from scratch looks barely any better than it would have done when I was a child, but I can copy things.  I can sit somewhere and draw something that's already there.  Funny how we create this reality, and yet I am thinking of drawing something that I create, something I see because I expect to see it, when I walk out of my front door.

The world is already there and we see it when we open our eyes, that's the idea we have come to trust.

Rather, we open our eyes and see what we have been taught, learnt to see and then it comes into existence.

I know this to be true and I am starting to reconstruct the world around me based on what I would like it to be.

Starting all over again to take what I have done in the past and build on that, change the makeup, change the ingredients, reconfigure me, add back in the parts I've been given back, working so fucking hard on changing the way I work, changing from a thinker to a doer, it's tough, I have so much inhibition, HAD so much inhibition, it's still there when I think about doing something instead of do about thinking something... ;)

Does that even make sense? I'm not sure, but basically I'm turning all sorts on its head.

Believing in myself again is taking time, believing in the things I had so much conviction in before again.

Feeling it more, authentically, instilling, giving myself pep talks, letting myself off, forgiving myself, I wasn't in my right mind, I was my mind, I was depressed, I was alone, I was desperate, I was upset...

I might be making excuses, but I feel like I've got a second, maybe a third chance to do the right thing.

Not fucking it up this time, taking my time, no more pride before a fall.

All very confusing to me, and this style of writing isn't helping, rather than thinking about what I would put I just start writing and see what splurges out.

No idea what I want to say, just that I don't want to think too hard about it anymore.

Spent too much time projecting into the future, dwelling on the past.

Back to square one, first move on the chess board, clean slate...

Retrieval of those parts I thought or didn't even remember were lost.

Creativity, authentic individuality, artisitic expression, fortitude, we shall see what I can do with those working...

I had so much doubt, so much confusion, sat at the top of a tree, stubbornly unable to come down, too shy, don't want to feel anything anymore, now I do, now I don't care how much I get hurt, now I know I must risk everything again, risk it all for the sake of good, I write down my dreams now again, and find them very vivid, asked for one last night to aid in the shamanic healing I went to today, don't know whether any were specifically for that, they were vivid though, exciting, suggestive, seeing, reading between the lines.

Still looking for safe ways to get closer to good people, someone else's girl, that way I can't get my heart broken again, but I know I don't need or want that for myself, I only want or need to love unconditionally..

Starting to feel my mojo, my inner calm, my sense of well being, my sense of self, although sadly seems to be clouded by a sense of the other, the older, the father I don't want to turn into, his genes switching on?

Am I really that thinly protected from the energy of others?

Must try harder, standard report at school...

Why would I bother when I can only get a C if I do my best?  Never an A or a B...   A good C would do me...  I don't need the top grades, don't want the top marks.  Just want to succeed at something average.

I just look forward a little bit and back as little as possible.

I was so there before that time I don't want to mention again

Less thinking, less making myself the victim, less of everything.

Being, Doing, Enjoying, living in joy, feeling a joyous surge within.

More focus back, less panic, less anxiety, less interest, much try harder.

Find things to ask people, show an interest, have an interest, don't just fake it.

I've done things, things did me, learn the ways of the Honey Bee, work my way through.

Up and out, be held by the hand, lead away free and clear, taken the chances, opportunity.

Find the way out, follow the golden thread, out of the maze, see the way by the light of a flame.

There's so many conflicting, confusing possibilities, I am starting to trust my instincts again, testing.

Doesn't make much sense this I know, but it's just a list, just a connection.

There's a lot of shit that is back in my life and I'm living with it, learning to cope with it again.

Old ways that made me sad to be alive, old things that made me wonder if I could go on.

I could I will I am...


Love
Jon
x

Had the ingredients already

Had the ingredients...

Getting the feeling back, some anyway, slowly.

Had a wonderful walk, losing the habit, recently added to the list, losing it now anyway, assuredly

Just changed to a positive outlook and that will do

The ingredient I am working on... Putting my intention, my attention into the body.

I could set my attention into my little toe on the left foot, big toe on the right, would occasionally result in jumpy leg at night, would feel it up to a point.  Never been disciplined enough.

So adding from a book I was recommended, putting my attention into each place for fifteen seconds, deciding where on my own volition, each toe a go on each foot, then each foot, moving from left to right, calves, shins, knees, upper legs, feeling the inner response.  This is possible and you feel it within, that the attention is there, not externally, internally, like a 'yes' and then building on that, feeling the entirety of the energy body, taking time to get the centre working as well, I guess it's an area I haven't spread my attention to as much, the head is fine and arms too, working to send a wave of attention and a wave of feeling from toes to tip, to toes again.  Retrain my-self, the I am, the me that doesn't think but just is, to feel not think, to be not do, to act not rehearse.

Working to feel that everywhere, working to energise the true me...

Dropping the crutches, cos they were hurting not helping.

Leaving behind the drugs legal and illegal, missing them like fuck at times but will power growing and the scaredy cat I was making me less fearful now but using that aging fear, not going to let others tempt me back, knowing I can't, I won't, I don't want to risk is...

Eating well, sleeping er well, not getting off easily, waking up in the night is new and annoying, waking early too.

I suppose I'm having to do everything the hard way, that was always underlying, before I fell into using substances rather than shear hard work to get there...

Learning to be watchfull and mindfull

Trying to reconnect to emotions, I know between my own stupidity, fear, and general unease I've stopped myself from having close friendships, sexual relationships, talked my way out of things, struggled with my fear of things that was unecessary, used my own fear of putting someone on the spot, fear of using the phone, fear fear fear.  I had a deep down feeling that I was unloveable, struggled with self esteem, couldn't take compliments, couldn't do things unless it was for someone else's benefit, back here now mixed up with years of regret and self loathing cos that's easier than seeing if someone else loathes me too, just trying to get over those things I've done ad infinitum, knowing I need to find the cause of all causes, feeling as though I've turned a corner in some respects, using having no fuel, or no money as an excuse not to do things, feeling sober all the time makes me notice the time to well, the time has slowed down, I don't feel like doing things, so I've got a good excuse, less worried about stupid things but don't want to get to fearlessness again cos that lead me into being just to careless, caring less than I should...   What is the true me?  I'll watch and see who emerges, being in the now as much as I can, feeling like I can laugh and think again quite well without all the help, what a walk today...

The roe deer got up but saw my disinterest and sat back down to chew the cud, I was so thankful for that invitiation to stay and denial of my nature as a predator on two legs, I was there to see the little birds that I could hear, I wanted to see a goldcrest but to no avail, but sitting there waiting for things to become unafraid, to not see me and get closer, just sitting there listening, being, finding that I would suddenly realise how close I was to the main road, seeing cars passing and the noise, I wasn't focussed there and they had often trailed into the background, feeling so much like I used to when I was a kid, so in nature, a part, fulfilled during those times, not worried what time it is, got my counsellor appointment... I'm painfully stupidly shy when it comes to putting myself into situations where i can be rebuffed or rejected, and it's gotten silly, I was better than this wasn't I?  I miss the confidence I had for a short period, that I have for short periods, that I can bluff, or feel again when I recall what I did to get some, self defence, I can handle myself, I don't need to worry, first aid, I can contribute, I can step in, not freeze, how much was the drugs making me care less, sedating my cares, sedating me fears?

No goldcrests, I choose to pretend, no actually give in,assuming I won't see them, that doesn't work this time, I can still hear them trilling, even on the walk back home I hear them again in the pine trees where they live and work, where they love to be, too high for me, I don't get high anymore, don't like the way it makes me think too much, I so miss thinking, have decided to give it a miss, just when I need to work something out, not going over the past, when I catch myself I change the subject, in fact I just enter no-mind, the space of no thoughts, I focus inside, I watch what comes next and for longer periods, nothing does, just a feeling of being there, I am working so hard, I kinda wish I could just get a fuck, but my I know I mean make love, although my libido has gone outta the window, I used to love porn, love weed, skunk, skanky women, dirty teens, my cock would get so rock, so quickly after a fucking big smoke, wanking slowly to enjoy it, make sure I would last if I did get with some woman, although now I can't be fucked with porn, or fucking wanking to porn, gave that up cos I saw it as demeaning, to women, abusive, demeaning to me I suppose,like I was the abuser or got an assist for watching, I suppose there were lots of things I gave up as a bad job, quite a few jobs, do I deserve to be happy in what I do for a living?  Gonna see what happens the next time I go out, although being me, straight, no sedation, feeling so white bread, teenager version of me at times, the kind of feeling inside where I just think other people are idiots when they're drunk or tipsy, the fake conversations, the lack of genuine connection, am I just judging other peoples coping strategies?

I am a forty year old 20 year old virgin, haven't slept with someone, intercourse, since 1993 ish, so maybe 18 or 19 years since i dipped my wick, gave her the root, did the dirty, mambo jambo?  Even then I was just a standard male, wanted my pleasure, I've turned that around, the last intimiteness was rather fun, lots and lots of kissing, lots of touching without getting anywhere near the erogneous too soon, lots of dates and fun times together no pressure, less on me that way, and way more relaxing, now all I wonder about is how do I find a girl who doesn't smoke fags or weed in this day and age? ;)  that's me kidding there, feeling like Forrest Gump "She tasted of ashtrays Lieutenant Dan!"...   Why do I worry about things i cannot change?

I'm not forty yet anyways!  Not till Dec 11th 2012...Not until four or six minutes to midnight on that day am I officially forty years elapsed, now I'm just lapsed into my old self, sitting at home all the time, none of my new friends ever feel like coming out this far, they've got busy lives, their own jobs, own homes, I've got one friend who still tokes, the other one I feel like I can't spend time with, cos there's a darkness I touched upon I don't want to go near, he needs friends his own mental age although I'm there, I'm younger than him at the moment probably, i find him boring which is unkind.  The one friend I do have we have plans together which is great, but he still tokes hard and it's a challenge but we're still relating, still trying to get it into his head, we're adults now, we can do or not do but there is not try (oh dear that just came out star wars fans)... whatever we like it's all our own choice and no repercussions, no blame game, no peer pressure anymore

I'm done preaching, told everyone else everything I need to hear now, it's your negativity, it's not coming from outside of you, oh dear, poor me, trying not to feel or create a victim mentality,  open up.

Wake up, get to sleep, feel energised, work hard, meditate on fucking doing something worthwhile.

No social network just The social network, between the crap I came out with over the september to now time frame, the fact that I don't keep in touch, the fact that I've had my head up my own arse, others just not coming to mind as much as they did, fucking trying not to act in the moment and then regret it in the next, old emotional, old thought patterns,old ways ingrained, it's not me, it's the minds memory, it's the minds broken records replaying, feel like I am directing my anger outwards and getting it back so no more of that.

Stop judging others, don't judge myself, no more moralising, trying not to be a fucking pain in the arse bleeding heart liberal, fundamentalist recycler, comes up with great ideas but no oomph to put them into practise, still feel stoned, clumsy, numpty at times, tripping over not tripping, although...

My heart beat has regained it's composure

I've remember to catch myself panicking and getting breathless, and that was something I thought I'd conquered.

Remember, go back, relearn what you have learned...   What I preached or commented on having learnt.

Breath slow and deep, if you notice it's gone quicker, slow it down, use that loop to control everything within.

Other things I thought I'd done with, listen to others, stop talking so much, stop thinking about what you want to say or have heard...

I really don't like the sound of my own voice that much.  I'd love to hear someone else's, but if there's a vacuum that's why people come around, I thought so anyway, they always knew I'd have some new random thing to pass off as my own ;)

Not act until I've felt why I think I should, or at least watched the thinker thinking, trying to delve deeper, I always thought the mind movies, rehearsals of future events was a good thing, apparently not, so I'm stopping all that.

Let the thinker think, I'll just watch the mind do it's thing and in the meantime be...

I keep seeing people for who they really are not who I had imagined or decided they were

and it's fucking scary but eye opening

i want to cry so i shall it feels good that painful pricking,even though recently my mind would call me a crocodile

In the moment I feel
Love
Jon
x