Medication Dedication Meditation

I was addicted to things, even now as I have been away from the temptations, away from the chemicals, left addictions behind, I have smoked a few cigarettes, I have drunk a few pints of cider, ok five or six watching the england game the other night, and then regretted the cider, had a night sweat, anxiety attack, or as I see it, a time of waking early then lying there in anxious thinking mode, working my way through things, I would normally walk them off, lately I lie there, going over things.

Slowly the lack of medication in my system, the lack of pain relief from my addiction to cannabis, I feel old.

Noticing things I had assumed weren't an issue or more honestly had stopped caring about or hadn't even noticed, grey hairs where I've stopped shaving my head until it gets messy around my ears.


Nasal hairs, sense of smell returned and then not noticeable, at least I can smell the scent of jasmin and honeysuckle in the wilds of the woodland around me, I tend to stop doing the things I love like walking, although that was partly because the thoughts would come to the surface when I was out and about.

Using positive thinking, positive attitude, feeling more like that, far less stressed, so confused over the last few months, don't know why things were happening, I suppose there is an aspect of having stopped daily usage of some things, the occasional use meant it hit hard, like an ex heroine addict going back to their usual dosage and over doing it.

Now I can't seem to enjoy anything, no weed, no nicotine, no other chemicals, am I the first one on the edge of the cliff with several behind me?  I see that everyone else in the music scene (psytrance) are still hitting everything hard, still out all the times, still partying.

And now I find the meditation working, can see with the lights out and my eyes closed a ball of conciousness, growing slowly, a light there within, so I can see why I must be in pain still, otherwise I would not keep trying, I would be my lazy self, give up the routines, go back to my old habits.

I would like to believe and so I will, that in front of me is a time, no a reality, when this will all make sense.

And so it will, because it must, or else it will have been for nought.

Things must move quickly from now on and I feel like they will.

Slowly getting my instincts back, finding the joy in being out in nature again, seeing things in the old way.

My eyesight is playing up, gonna have to go get a test and maybe glasses, the last of my family to do so.

Thickening toenail on the big one on my right foot, don't think it's fungal, more likely to be damage from ill fitting footwear and hard work of the last few weeks.

Getting old, feeling aches and pains like never before or were they there and were ignored or not felt so keenly?

This whole place is so perverse, still in contact, saving myself for a few times, Avebury for the solstice.

Walking holiday along the canal path in a few weeks time.

So I suppose I am still hanging in there, waiting to be happy again.

Letting and finding that the things that had come so close to the surface slowly fading into the background again.

They are there to keep me honest, drive me forward.

It's hard to know, hard to feel, finding I can spend a while, and my mind needs my attention.

I must keep quieting it down, in the past I was numbed by my pain, by my habits.

Not the same person anymore.

Doubting the validity of things, I used to have a sense of whether something agreed with my own sense, my own inate internal sense of truth.

There are so many opinions out there, so many different versions of 'the truth'.

So much of todays world is based on supposition.

So I will keep on having an open mind with the idea that with that as my guide I will see what I believe.

So I must not believe in anything too strongly, must keep being versatile.

I wake up, find it hard to get up, don't feel rested, feel lethargic, don't do things I know I should.

This way that way signposts everywhere, do they all lead to the same place eventually?

This is all written on the fly, don't spend time thinking about things.

Feel strangely stoned at times, when I haven't been near the green grass of my old homeland.

Focus, intention, try to enjoy things.

Slowly progressing, less wishing for the way things were, because as fun as it was it wasn't right.

When I finish work I just want to lay down and sleep for eternity, after a shower of course.

Humour returning, darkly ironic, some thoughts seem strangely off, did I used to have them?

Breathing, watching my breath, chanting internally, light & love, energising my system.

Do I learn Reiki?  There is no scientific evidence for it though as being anything beyond placebo.

One article says this the other that another another this another that, tit for tat.

I know that I can heal, others feel what I do as clearing their aura.

I don't know about that, I instinctively touch where I should.

I massage away pain, move it from here to there and away.

Need to be around good people, maybe meditate together.

I believe that the heart is so powerful, the ancient and the new age and a newer one?

The next one?  You see I don't feel I was born and so I won't die.

No disrespect to my parents, don't all children doubt they are the offspring of the ones they live with?

Wasn't I adopted?  That's the feeling not necessarily the actual thinking behind a sense.

This whole place is not real, it's the outbreath not an expanding universe.

So I'll just have to play along, keep developing internally.

What I feel seems more real that what I see...

So when will I just write normally again?

Who knows...

Light &
Love
Jon
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