At a moments noticed

I often lived in the moment, if something happened yesterday, I wouldn't be too keen to discuss it, go over it again.  Often would create a script, the same story gets retold to save me having to think or relive it.  That's a fraud, the story you tell of something that has already been, is just a view, just a perspective, from where you saw it from...

Having had some pretty fucking awful moments lately, living in those at the time was fucking unbareable, I suppose it's the great thing, worst thing about that kind of life.  Living and dying to the great and wonderful to the same extent.  Seemingly getting better, finding it hard to relax into the things I just did without too much thought.  I still can't work out the whys and the wherefores, I can't work it out, can't find the solution, the cause of all causes.  I still don't, won't probably ever really know, was it a combination of things?

A wakeup call?  A failing in my own perspective?  Was it inevitable that I would fall so far?

I have a lifetime of negative thinking, a long period of never expecting good things, not being disappointed in that way, just rolling with the punches, getting by, doing whatever came along, not searching out the things I'd like.

I fell from a long way up, lost a lot of good feelings, lost a lot of confidence in me, them, us, everything.

The strange combination of times are all alive now, the bad, the good, the ugly, the dank.

Temptation is there to carry on as before, good temptations are less appealing, mean hard work now...

Good times later.

Temptation, elation, expectation...  Working, not experiencing such terrible anxiousness in the morning.

More faith in me, less stress, finding that silence, the peace within, finding the way to it, silencing the doubts.

Got such a good feeling the other night, conversing with a friend, someone I don't know well, but we just talked and talked online, in that way that face to face makes difficult sometimes, inhibitions gone, I do that a lot and so so miss having close friends to talk to like that, especially with females, but males too if their not stuck within gender roles or open to that, I don't discriminate...  I'm non gender specific...

I can be whatever, wherever, whoever, finding my feet, not wondering, not caring, just being.

The weekend was so much fun, Saturday picking up three complete strangers at Gloucester station.

Getting to the party site and meeting friends as they arrived.

There is still a lot of inhibition without a little or a lot of help.

Making smile, laughing, smiling, dancing, stomping, stripping haha I can't help myself I love having my top off and just pounding the floor with my feet, so much better than a sopping wet tshirt clinging to my sweaty skin, bouncing, changing, running off to find something lost, running back and forth, is there better music over there?  Where is he, where is she, are you ok?  Spend some money, be generous, do something nice, spread the wealth, feel addicted to somethings, be careful, don't get sucked in, don't do that, can I do that?

Testing if I'm better, yes I am, no I'm not, little tests here little tests there, how do I feel about this, that, them?

Feeling ok, knowing I will have to give up again, knowing I can have a ltitle of what I like but could so easily get sucked back in again, had so much fun though, felt like with drink it's tiring, had drunk all afternoon, stay awake, keep dancing, a little but don't be too upset when there's no more, hey you!

So many happy faces, so much going on, massage here, bum feel there, thanks for that, you have a fine ass, and thanks for putting it in my hands, healing there, another, giving energy in my mind that's what I'm doing, sending vibes, sending intentions good ones, good vibrations...

You felt it as something positive, that was the intention, I don't feel it, maybe a little heat in my hand.

Someone said I should learn to do reiki, that wud heal me, I like the feeling of relaxation, not sure I feel anything  beyond that as such.  So much resistance within me at times, so much is buried so deep, where it can only be accessed by great hurt or help...  I've put so much aside, kept it so well hidden, your smile works its magic, poking out my tongue at you cheeky, loving the chance to just be, dance, shake, wake up inside, feel something good all over, naturally mind you, a few balloons, now some rest for a few weeks, summer solstice at avebury coming up, nothing else planned, not going out as much, no great rush to push for a permanent job, be careful, in the past I've taken risks too soon, been all or nothing so often.

Take my time is so fucking hard, I like to rush in, like fools do, been such a joker, a fool, a tool, of my own demise, cos that's how you act in the moment, you just act without thinking, and when I'm in the good place, not thinking isn't a problem, when i'm in a bad place, thinking at all is the problem, thinking thinking, takes over.

The memory of some thoughts, some imagery, still present,still fading, recent adaptation, recent addition to the cannon of things I'd rather forget.  Working that way, finding that the weekend made me forget everything, in the now it's not there, when I think about returning home, the negative association, connection is there again, back here, it's back here in my mind, vague but present, darn it, stupid thoughts and associations again, lack of sleep? lack of strength within? something weak within me?  something strong without?  Is it me?  Did I break through into somewhere?  All I can do is keep going, keep plugging on, keep being good, sleep well, eat well, healthy mind body soul spirit...

Mentally, physically, symbolically, spiritually...

Lovely people, lovely place, love was in the air

I felt it deep within me, sent it around, breathed it in, and out again

Sent it out, hugged it back, hugged everyone in my mind, visualising, sending out love bombs.

Someone called me the magic man, that was what Aletche called me, I found it ok, it suited me at the time

And someone I don't think new her, or new that called me it again, I felt like that again, I was almost there.

I am a mix of all of the things and people I've ever been, feeling like a can banish the bad and if not ignore it until it goes away and just keep on restoring my faith in others and myself, keep on testing, I believed in the magic of saying yes, picked up those strangers who are fast friends now, started doing some of the things I was last year, still working hard on myself, trying not to let others create problems, not let their take on things affect my way of giving things a certain je ne cest quoi...  I do not know what it is but it's growing again

Still going deeper, looking harder, or is that relaxing into the quest, just do the things that feel right, do the things that work, keep on doing the things that should lead somewhere good and don't judge the journey or destination, adding in things I'm still learning, still yearning for unconditional love, still finding others are or can be a little twisted, a little confused by it, by the fact I don't want anything they don't want to give, I'm not a taker, I expect to be offered, so I don't often get what I need but whatever it is I do find, I'm happy with.

I'm not greedy, any more much, not stressed, not grabbing...

But I can feel it inside, the way I would, the temptation.

Go back to the old ways, the old me, no I don't, I won't, I don't think so, I think not, not thinking, feeling now.

No more numbness, searching out feeling...

The core, not the talk, not walking the walk, the core, the depths, the deep, the hidden self

Who I am, what I am, when I am, finished I'll be ok...

I'm not done, we're not ready yet

Still work in progress

Work work work
Harder hard

Relax but not too much

I don't like to lose my way

Love
Jon
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