Lest we forget

Memories are hard to come by...  Can't seem to piece it all together, although I do now have some peace, and feel more together ;)

Looking back through photo albums and captains log (blog) entries I'm finding my ship was indeed wayward sailing, at times at the behest of the wild wind that blew through my skull, at times just in the doldrums most recently...  Bereft of a breeze, no energy or faith that the gust would drive me on,just fear that the wind was gone from my sails forever.  Everything so real and yet unreal at the same time.

Periods of darkness and despair unlike any I've felt before and so flipping harsh, if it was all just anxiety then that was so utterly terrifying at times that I can see how difficult it is to cope with and have gained a new found respect for everyone and anyone who has anything to deal with, for me it felt like I was going totally crazy.

I don't doubt that there are aspects of things I said or did that appeared exactly that...

Psychotic, bewildering, lovely, awesome, awful, de-light-ful...

So the photos of trips I took, the comments wrote, the blog entries that made or make no sense to this day to me, just seem like the utterances of someone in dire need of a shoulder to cry on, someone lost in their own steep learning curve, someone capable of almost anything internally who externally did no-one no harm, imagined or real...  I didn't hurt anyone but myself, if reading or being on the receiving end of hurtful gossip doesn't count.  Maybe I scared some people, so rather than do anything they ignored, turned a blind eye, left me to my own devices, except a boss who I regret turning on and would like to apologise to, a couple of parents (mine) who intervened but were still ignored as I was still as far as I knew fine to all intents and purposes, until afterwards when others comments seaped within and touched me deep, until I started to doubt myself, until I started to question, look at what and where and who and why and when and huh?  Wondering am I?

Are they right?  Should I?  What should I?

Finding I turned on myself, my psyche finally giving up on me, and turning nasty in the process.

Bad thoughts and feelings about me and others, doubting their sincerity, doubting my sanity...

Now I feel mostly ok with some hints and achey breaky heartfelt pangs of injustice,
the vagueness inside is still there like a scar, the feelings of mental images not the picture

I keep remembering, and bringing it back to mind, but it's not as real no more

I'm ploughing through even more books, doing the daily routines again.

Finding I don't have the strength or resilience I once did, maybe that was a fine line that I had crossed.

Pushed too hard and too fast as usual maybe,

all the years of smoking toking, head throbbing, numbing, finally succombing, my heads much better now.

The occasional seems ok at last, nothing too heavy.

Reading stuff to garner some hints n tips.

Going to feel my way through from now.

Working on me, not the world as much.

Can't keep spreading myself so thinly.

Don't want to disappoint but there's a new strength within.

The ability to say no, that outspoken guy is still here but won't pick a fight with idiots no more.

Don't want to keep butting heads with egos that don't listen and can't act from a place of learning.

Some people aren't themselves when you try to raise issues with them, it's their conditioned responses.

So I've got to pick my fights, finding that I can cope as I've been tested so well, my own innerds kicked
my ass so hard into next week and last week and yesterday and today and tomorrow that I've been all
over the place, searching for meaning, searching for memories, searching for a sticking post to anchor.

It's me, anchorred now within and without.

There are certain magical things happening again

Coincidences, some traps being set for my footsies.

Gotta keep my wits about me, and not use them just to keep others at arms length.

Lots of chances, I want to go to nepal and learn massage and teach english so maybe I will

I want to walk 500 miles again in Spain from the French Pyrenees to the west coast of europe.

So maybe I will, when I don't know, no need to be hard and fast when everything is up for grabs.

For the moment, content to be alive, happi-er than I was, capable of living with myself for periods.

Capable of being myself without worrying, doing those things I would have let make me so nervous.

Got some strength back, some of the confidence that was a front, the storm front of my journey last year.

The front, not cold, a warm front, that came from within the stormiest 8-10 hours of my life at Waveform.

That day was my end and my beginning, all the stuff I'd learnt, felt, experienced up until then put into shade.

Now I can feel again, I can work again, but within limits, I know I'm not a superhuman anymore, not yet.

Maybe there is some wiggle room in the future, but for now I am happy to just cope, just be, sleep in.

Eat well, sleep well, work hard when I can, do the right things, learn from my mistakes, not make them again.

Rewrite my own story, put it all into context, as bad things happening for good reasons

Light &
Love
Jon
x