Yes To Feeling Good

I was ok before I went to a festival last year and had a bad time of it.

Up until then, I had pushed myself to stop smoking weed, or not let it stop me from going out and doing things I wanted to do.  Seeing people I wanted to see.  Got over my nerves when considering social occasions.  Met some great people through the events I went to.  Often planned quite considerably and made lists of things to get done.  Had to have directions written out to get to places and make sure everything I would need was packed in the car.

The confidence I got from pushing myself really was there and I went to lots of things with an open mind and a great deal of enthusiam, built on that each time to get past any doubts I may have had.

Got to the point of not needing or wanting to do that old stay at home smoking habit, and spent my money on seeing my friends, making new ones, seeing new sights and new experiences to be gained.

When I've got money I'm generous with it.

Now I've got to the point of finding working harder and harder, realised I need help and am seeking it.

Feel like I did when I was seventeen again.

Shy, retiring, although there is an inner strength still there from the adventures I went on, in Spain the first and second times, all the going here there and everywhere that I did last year.

Don't wanna go on and on, but feeling like this is shit.

Finding now I am tempted to get high just to get out of my own way.

Resisting the temptation because I know it isn't good for me anymore.

Let alone the moral implications, the fact that it feeds criminal activity, the fact that it feeds my own uncertainty.

Trying to do the right thing by everyone often lead me to feel as though I was in a trap.

I know I should be working and not complaining about things there that cause me stress.

Working through piles of crap at home that I've let build up.

Trying to not feel so lethargic, so energyless.

Started sleeping back in the house again after the last six to eight months out in the caravan.

It's my own space and it's easier to get to sleep and stay asleep out there.

Had a good nights sleep last night once I got off but woke early again and no dreams remembered.

I may be a light sleeper and that was always helped by weed as it zonks you out.

I can do things when I have to, it's my own inner struggle I am trying to cope with now.

Hoping that I can things get sorted out.

There was a moment the other week when I felt as though there was very little point in making plans for the future, I got past it but day to day I'm up and then down and then all around again.  Generally blah though and occasionally good isn't a long term plan.  The stress I put myself under to conform, to just do what others cope with, and seeing how much they have to cope with makes me feel like such a lightweight.

I need something stable, something simple, less pressurised to do in the day.

I've been reading a book of a friends on my dad's Kindle, and proof reading it as I always was good at that, spotting mistakes, spotting errors, making notes to pass on.  Although I haven't actually done that this time.  Assuming it will be worked over before it's printed.

The confusion is horrendous, not sure of myself, thinking back over my life.

Have I always been just coping?

I know that I was smoking dope by the age of 19 when I got my first job through work experience in computers, but almost straight away I wasn't happy, would leave early, panic and just wanna get out of there.  Get home get stoned and just forget about it all.

I know I've avoided dealing with that and just got by to pay the rent.

Let things slip too much, got to the point that I've burnt too many bridges, been through too many work agencies, let my own doubts and fears or just plain inadequacies and feelings of 'I shouldn't be doing this job' lead to finishing at places.  Wondering whether I would, could ever be happy anywhere.

Back to seventeen again, knowing I need direction and encouragement, that inner me unsure.

I seem to be fine or able to seem fine when I have to.  When I've got something else to focus on.

Going to answer the questions I am asked truthfully when I see the doctor.

Have I grown up at all or just regressed?  Grown up and then Regressed...

Opening up though has revealed through talking to others that so many of us are or were in the same boat, and in many cases others have sorted things out by changing their lifestyle, become much more healthy in diet and exercise, healthier in body and mind.  Perhaps that's the impetus we all need to realise there is strength inside we should be building upon not looking for answers outside all the time.

Detoxing, letting go of things that don't help, smoking too much fags at the moment and I know that will affect my sleep even more when I give up that too, but at the moment it's kicking off my iritable bowl and that is always linked with depression for me, gotta give that up too, wondering whether I'll be prescribed something...  Locked up although I'm no risk of harm to myself or others, now that I'm not in the cycle of coming off something, going back on it.  I know I can't afford to fall off the wagon this time.

It's hard to stay positive when you just think you're nuts.  I'm hanging in there, knowing I won't look for an easy way out, knowing I'll do whatever I'm told.

Positive thinking, I've discovered deeper down than I've ever been before a harder problem to resolve.

I want the solution and I'm willing to work for it.
Love
Jon
x

What an asshole - Spoke too soon

I wrote and let things flow out yesterday.

It was fun cos I havent done that in a while.

But I keep making a mess of things, so I think it's best if I just wait until I'm feeling better before I comment and write again.

I let things get me into a state and then write about it, when I should have more patience and wait to see how things go.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to react without thinking.

Thinking has been an issue lately too much, too little.

What a prat, oh well.

Love
Jon
x

That was so lastyear!

Often I do things to see what they're like.  Say for instance the time I went with an old pal to a Premiership Football game for the first time.  Long story shortish, we went up by train, went to a pub, snorted coke off the cistern of a disgusterous toilet, had pints and shots and made the game at White Hart Lane, My team Tottingham (ask Ozzie he knows ;) were against Bolton and I can't even remember if we won.  Saw Aaron Lennon work his magic though and that awesome keeper Jaskelinen (I know it's spelt wrong proberly).  Went to the pub afterwards and had to run cos the clocks in there were set wrong deliberately and almost missed our train home.  What a day!  An adventure of high quality and now that I know how coke is produced (a massive ecological disaster for the Rain Forest) I don't and won't be going there again although tbh it's a shit 'ole of a drug anyways.  The result was that I haven't been to see a game again cos I've done that already like.

As for last year, and it was sooooooo last year wunnit!  I did fesitvals and parties outdoor and it was gert lush but also when I got to the start of this one I was like, ok done all that big style and now I don't really feel like I need to.  I would dearly love to make one of the Tribe outdoor parties though, so maybe I will.

Also on my mind fairly early in twentytwelve was turning 40 in december, on the eleventh a mere ten days afore the 21st and the whole solstice thang too!

Haven't given it all that much thought since cos birthdays really aren't that big a deal for me, I get more excited for other people cos they actually celebrate theirs and I had a party for my 35th for all my friends, just before and knowing that I was going to go away and say goodbye to most of them, probly forever as they all drink too much and that lead to blackouts, car crashes and all sorts of general disgusterousness on my part.  Embarrasssment for weeks afterwards and the fallout involved.

There are many quotes and anecdotes from my past that others love to remind me of:-

"Too much too soon."  The time I got back from a holiday (the only time I would go without a smoke of dope) and imbibed both drink and then smokes and proply puked me guts up in the village hall car park.

"It was like a bomb going off!".  Said by a woman who had recently moved to our village from Northern Ireland.  I was walking past her house with friends to go to the rec, the playing field, where we'd hang out or where I'd park so as not to enter the village or have to drive on the main road as the lane from ours meets it just after there, or in this case cos my car was a right orf cos I'd crashed into hers the night before, wrecking her 306 in what was quite possibly one of the main reasons I grew to dislike myself anywhere near too much booze for the last time.  They moved away quite quickly I believe :(  My bad

"I haven't got a car for the summer now!"  When my beautifully crap Mitsy with the power and economy stick on the dash, that made no difference to fuel use, blew bits of engine all over the road after I forgot (didn't know) you had to put oil in them from time to time to keep them running at all, if not smoothly.

So I've lived but mostly through making massive mistakes have I learnt anything...

I guess being the kind of person easily lead, by peers younger than me, although everyone assumed it were me leading them wasn't the way to get on.  At all ;)

I've got reams of stories like that, that I haven't heard for ages and don't really like being reminded of, unless it's me reminding myself of them like this.  Although I have finally over the course of the last few years learnt to laugh at myself, always either taking myself way too seriously or not at all.  Flip flopping from goody goody to going with the dangerously errant flow of joinging in with whatever others are up to.

I also tend to be a social butterfly and that's lead me into areas where I spread myself thinly, partly cos I always assumed I became annoying if I was too ever present, that whole inferiority complex and general lack of deep down confidence in who I am, and that person being good, or worthwhile.

I've disproved that so well over the last years, but still deep down there was / is a nag.

I've done things I'm really not proud of, even recently, fixated on silly little things that I knew weren't right but didn't have the impulse control at the time, whether cos I was slowly rebecoming a little nuts or cos I was suffering and by self destructing.

I had too many things going on and now virtually none.

Just a few close friends, although I have many, but trying to concentrate on nice things I can do with them not out partying.  The issue I have is that I'm a cowardly little freak and then I get confident and it's all up for grabs.

I start getting over confident or losing my focus.  I blame the drugs I've been overusing somewhat.

When I am out partying and in the right frame of mind, and usually that's without any help except maybe a little alcohol early in the evening as I often have to drive myself there alone anyway so I have to be good.  I end up targeted by older women who want to mother me sometimes, not a problem although I'm just not interested beyond being a good friend to everyone I meet.  People, strangers mostly and friends too mind, often love to tell me their life stories and I them, mine.  Or I'm a counsellor for a complete stranger in those quiet moments, or I end up going from person to person getting to know each a little better each time.

I love helping others in any way I can, I'm not just after sex cos I never wanted to do that with someone I didn't love, or a cheap thrill, although a nice snog is such a miss in my own game of battleships, so the vibe I give off is safe.

Massaged some old bloke who wanted me to sniff his poppers, it didn't go anywhere cos I haven't experienced women nearly enough yet to want to go for guys and not even sure I'm interested.  I turned down the poppers, and thinking about it my comment that "My Sphincter is nice and relaxed already without thanks" probly wasn't the smartest thing to say, his reply "I'm glad to hear it".  ;)  He did start stroking my thigh, but I let him have that even if it wasn't going anywhere else.  It's gentle and fun to flirt but I find it so much easier with people I'm NOT interested in having anything else to do with.

Not to say I didn't talk to some gorgeous women at that after party too,although I get so jazzed and nervous once I realise they might actually like me too that it can cause me some distress, although I haven't honestly met anyone I like as much as the person I met last October.  The six months since then, I would say have been the fallout of exhausting myself last year.

I came down to earth with such a bang it's still smarting my yudd now (head in cotswold slang)...

Although that may also be lesions on the brain from a heavy pot habit that I am still coming down from.

It's taking a while and I'm so fucking clumsy anyway, the things I say without thinking sometimes...

That's not even getting to how accident prone I am at the moment too.  I've always been a bit of a clutz but it's awful, last night I managed to stick a lit fag into my lip, holding it in one hand and leaning down to get a drink with the other.  And I'm off to mow and strim at two cemeteries and work around town and the cotswolds for the council ;) oooooerrrrrrr    oooooohaaaarrrrrr....  I really need my spatial awareness back, my focus back, my concentration back, my ability to think clearly back, not to keep forgetting what I'm doing from minute to minute.  I assume it's the cannbinoids seeping out of my musculature, my brain, my lungs deoiling.  On the plus side, my writing is coming back, my wordiness, although I'm so less concerned with correct spelling and grammar than I used to be.

Reading a book, about four on the go actually, and just constantly filling my time there.

I really miss girly chats, no offense intended there as I'm quite girly and sensitive, in my mind.  I worked so hard to masculinity meself the last years too.

Challenged myself, did first aid course, self defence and ended up doing weekend bootcamps three times cos they were painful fun and lead to so much self confidence.  I almost became an instructor but when it comes to reposnsibility, I just fail in my head to see how I can actually do that.  I don't want to be the boss.

Cos my social problems, in my head are much worse than in person though.

I'm really good in most situations, especially once I've been there for a while I grow in confidence.

The thought of meeting new people constantly though can be an issue, it'sthe pressure I put on myself more than anything else that is real.

I worry, I'm a worrier, I stress, I'm a stresshead motherfunky!

But then when it comes to the crunch (Tony Harrison You Know Nothing Of the Crunch!) I'm fine usually.

I suppose something I read the other day made a lot of sense.

People with no imagination are much better liars and can often deal with new situations with no problem.

My imagination spoils lots of things for me cos I can imagine every single outcome and often it's the worst one that I choose as the most likely.

Right now, I've written some stuff here that may or may not prejudice others  when it comes to me.

But I don't care about that, I have always tried to find an outlet, a way of sharing who I am inside in the hope that it helps others not feel so bad, in the sure hope that it makes me feel less bad, in the way that I can get things off my chest, in the way that I can think about it less.

My dad said, "Do you right a diary?"  I said I write a blog.  "I think that's a good idea" he said.

Not if I start writing about you I thought ;)

I realised just how much I've taken home and my folks for granted.  Feel so bad for not giving my dad a break.  It's so confusing and I can't keep a job at the moment so I'm relying on others even more.

I want out like anyone who grows up and knows they need their own space, but had this growing concern that as the years go by maybe I had a need to be here for their sake.

Maybe it was getting to the point that I should be here for the future, like a responsibilty to that.

And yet I know I should get out, finally I know I should cos he's fucking annoying at the moment.

And at the same time one of the only people I can truly rely on, because otherwise I'd be more lost.

I feared his temper, spent years worrying if I heard raised voices that it was a blow up going on.

Feared that was in my future, but I rarely if ever raise my concerns gently let alone in an argument.

Dad isn't that bad really, such an emotional guy, I know how much he cares, he's mellowed so much, it's me at the moment who isn't easy to live with cos I'm annoyed by silly things, suffering from withdrawal from others very silly things, and my own issues.

I love my dad and know his heart is in the right place.  I suppose I've stayed here too long, past the time when I should have grown the fuck up and made my own life somewhere.

I like a quiet life.  But that too is cowardly.

I've been a coward, and only done things I needed to when push came to shove.

When things get so bad I get orf my ass, or someone kicks me up it.

Phew, maybe I've finally learnt my lessons, and it's making me self concious when at my best others are my focus.

How they are doing, checking on people on a night out, finding the ones on their own who look like they need some company, making conversation.  I suppose I can see how others are feeling the way I do sometimes.  Ill at ease in some situations, or just need cherring up.

The best of me really is a very good chap indeed.  And when it's others I'm doing things for I have no fear.

Only ever things for myself that I shit it.

I've got some terrific friends and new friends and old friends.

Lots of people don't know the extent of my current plight.

I've scared lots of people, myself far more than you can know.

And it's taking a while to relax, cos I know when I do I never want pride to come before a fall again, the last few years, and last year especially after my let's give it it's proper name 'psychotic break' I really had a downturn in my fortunes but the person I was, was much more outgoing, had no fear of new situations, new locations, adventures, I was amazing in so many ways.  That wasn't me, it was me plus.  The person I am when I've tested myself, pushed myself to improve my situation, get out there.

Man Plus as Dave Lister called himself after gentic augmentation...

I've gentically arsed about with my brain.

Now I just want to be healthy again.

I see the Shaman on Monday.

A real one not the one I was last year ;)
And a head doctor as soon as I can.
I have flip flopped back to earth.
But not stuck in the mud
Not no more
Light &

Love
Jon
x

A Lotta Bottle - A Lotta Fuss About Nothing

Well I never really did have much bottle.  Self confidence has always been an issue, never driven by others, pushed to achieve, given direction, I've been left to choose my own path and wandered quite aimlessly.

I also have been addicted to Weed, Cannabis whatever you wanna call it for a long time.

Given it up and had the withdrawal symptoms and suffering anxiety that was there in the first place.  I found it gave me some relief from anxiety and allowed me to relieve stress, I'd go to that all the time.  Until recently I found I was feeling disconnected from the people I love, my friends, my family.  Not interested in what they have to say, feeling as though they have nothing to contribute but their own rather daft opinions.  I've woken up to reality, woken up to the length of time of my life that I've wasted, realised just how much I've let things slip, how much I relied on others, how much I've let myself down.

I also feel like I have a certain level of confidence back, it's the confidence I earnt by pushing myself, but it's gotta be a habit, I've gotta keep pushing myself, gotta give myself time to get used to new situations rather than a knee jerk reaction to them.  I suppose feeling so great last year wasn't really the truth of the matter, it was an overeaction to years of letting things slip.  I was outspoken, whereas before I wouldn't say boo to a goose unless I knew it well ;)  At times there was a lack of interest in things, at times there was an interest in things that aren't very sensible.

A Lotta Fuss About Nothing...

Seems as much as I have an active, over active more like, imagination, I also have the ability to doubt myself completely.  Little set backs hit me hard.  A lack of self confidence that has come back since I stopped smoking weed, which made me feel normal.  Now I feel very normal indeed and have had periods of anxiety worse than any I can remember, leading to confusion, panicking but not panic attacks.  In fact when smoking Skunk I would sometimes have the thought that I was going to have a heart attack, rather than when I wasn't smoking it, and by smoking I mean heavy use beyond anything you can think of.  So much so, that it was a daily, before work, after work, all evening, you get the idea...

I've made my issues worse by not discussing them, thought they were mine to deal with, inferiority playing a part.  I have good friends, real friends, that care and help and want to be there.   I'm leaning on them but then that often makes me feel bad.  Then there's the worry in others eyes.  I am a nuance guy.  The smallest things mean a lot to me.  A touch, a slight, a sound, a feeling.

Every time I panic, I search for an answer outside of myself and then relax when it becomes obvious that I need to look for those answers within.

Keep giving myself a break whilst also pushing quite hard through the issues.

Balance the need to do the right thing for others with the need to do right by me too.

Stop overthinking which I am finding easier now I'm learning to relax without the extra strength green.

There was an issue that I looked back on my life and decided it was huge, when I stop panicking, it wasn't.

But it had to be faced.

I'm facing it.

We'll see.
Love
Jon
x

Black Hole Sun

What to write?

I don't have a stamp on my forehead saying sane. But I'm not still waiting for the Black Hole Sun to come and wash away the rain. Feeling weller and happier than for a long time. Got the strength and energy to keep on keeping on and try, try, trying more things. Going for what I need not want. And then what I want afterwards ;)

At the same time...

Still got the same issues but they're not as big not as threatening not as ever present.

Finding that actually doing something about the things you couldn't face gets ya sumwhere.

Had such an amazing time from Friday night until Saturday early afternoon, then driving home, mcdonalds, driving home, love in my heart, driving home, love, drive, love, patience, love, respect, love, tolerance, love, acceptance, love, energy, love........

Breathed in that music deep, rising up through me as it peaks, feel the energy rush, my emotions poor forth, and then left behind in that space such a rush of pure sweet joy and elation and vibrant ecstasy, ecstatic love and it's free and you don't get tired until you are cos it carries you through and past the need to take something else or take something more.

Feeling it, throwing it out like energetic lassoes (lassoos?) and tugging on them, turning them into showers of firey sparks and light rain not rain that is light, sending it out as a hug or a kiss or a smile or just bliss...

Never feeling that there's an end just a sessation.

Engage, find it again.

Feel it.

Move to it.

Let it fill you up.

Overflowing from your scalp like the sweat from a chilli dish with the after half glass of milk...

Enjoying sweating so profusely that I know now I'm detoxing, working out, and enjoying it

But then it was pure fun, move from here to there, dance this way, shake that, move this

smile at you, are you ok? hey there, woah there, oh yeah, smell the sweat and don't care

We're funky but loving it

I'm freaky for love

Love
Jon
x

Big Issue / Big Shoes To Fill

Big Issue

Erm I suppose I've often felt similar to how things have been recently. For me what I am going through now is just a more severe, or being more conciously aware of it, just more real feeling in every way than ever before.

I have to admit to having felt like this on many occasions, often during the winter months, onsetting in october or november. Without the medecine that I was taking on a monthly basis and feeling as though I had regressed so badly. Making old mistakes, being a person who makes them without thinking of the consequences, only the imagined rewards, or the desire to do what feels right at the time, to follow my principles and my heart.

I'm not very experienced at actually doing things.

I've thought about lots of them, but rarely if ever actually done them.

And then I decided to listen and learn. I felt as though I had shied away from who I really am for too long. Certain places called to me. Avebury, The Way of St James Pilgrimage in Spain (actually it was a clip of Santiago de Compostela and a snippet of people walking along that caught my eye). I returned to Avebury and visited Santiago on foot once.

My world opened up and I wanted to take my friends there too. To a place inside where everything and anything is possible if you force yourself into it, or get into the habit of not thinking just going with your gut or heart and not your head.

I've preached and gone on about a spiritual life, or a concious life, or an authentic life...

And been able to from experience finally.

And yet a stumbling block was in the way.

The fact that I crumble under certain circumstances. You see it's a long way from who I feel like inside to who I am outside sometimes. Less so these days as I'm just too honest and my face too expressive not to be obviously one thing or another. I've also gotten more into why now, why me.

I have always had a brain that thinks and won't switch off easily.

Swhy I enjoyed certain relaxing herbs as you can zonk out and sleep right through.

I'm finding that I'm being squished into doing what I should have done years ago.

All of it.

Challenge myself.

Don't just get swayed by this or that, be the person you've always wanted to.

Follow your own path.

Be there for all your friends.

I want my dreams back.

I want my daydreams back.

I want my family back.

I am opening up and finding it stressful but exhilarating too with the release and relief, often feeling like a dangerous place to venture and though I'm just as stymied and unable to make a decision the feeling gets easier to deal with as I accept how I feel and know I must.

Like a dog shaking when it knows it must change its behaviour, stress showing at it moves through the bodily symptoms to retraining the mind and memory.

I had a go at letting go. I cried. Thankyou S xxx and thankyou A for our conversation x
I'll get by with a little help from my friends.
One day at a time.

I'm going to be the guy between the two I've been.

I hope he's not a zombie ;)
Love
Jon
x

From Love to Peace to Joy

I lived outside in a tent one year until it got too cold outside. My boss once had to wake me by tugging on my big toe one day after a particularly late night on the John Smiths I believe ;)

After that, was other tents, then a mini marquee, then I got the caravan and stretched it out to when it got really cold and then stayed out there this winter. I had created a canopy / divider to keep the heat next to the bed, got a heater, fixed the broken window after rain started coming in, put in steps outside, got thermal underwear, a sleep pod for comfily contained but casual bedding, slept out there all winter. Cos I don't, didn't live outside just sleep there really. Although the more home comforts you have the longer the time you can spend there. I got quite used to cooking outside and I'm sure I will again this year. First Barbequeue was the other weekend over wood embers and in smoke.

I often got bored and switched off when it came to the t.v. Each year there would be a period where I would decide that I didn't want certain things and even people in my life. Then I would get caught back up by those diverting entertainments on the box. I made up my mind not to startwatching anything new, then watched the end of several of my favourite series, then I just stopped watching when it got to the point that I had an X-box I was given plugged in and no room for a digi box. And I haven't looked back. I've seen from about a few seconds to a program or two at times when I'm with someone at home or at someone elses's house. But that's it.

I loved Sherlock though ;) <3 I saw that on I-Player, does that count as television?

All I can do is take my medecine. Even though I haven't got any of my natural foraged variety, I've seen that to be left without all your outside help, you find that you have to work with what you've got already. Slowly ever so slowly, and then boom suddenly as much as I was propelled downwards by my own fears, then I find the strength to live again and not feel so powerless.

Breathing slow and deep. Early to bed, calm meditations, on rising, feel that love within, resonating from my heart, where it was all along only my head kept telling me what a dick I was. I let my spiritual routine health check take a back seat so that I could experience what it felt like to belong again. It was awesome. Now I know I have good friends that I can count on so I was slow as usual to ask for help but got loads when I did finally, or they stepped in to ask when i was fragile enough to answer. I had to forgive myself and be hard enough to accept where I went wrong but as usual I went too far a little maybe. I find it easier to resolve a problem by getting to the root and tugging furiously whilst sweating buckets and swearing, under my breath of course ;)

I wanted things I didn't have the courage to go for...

The next steps all looked like the worst face to climb of any mountain, impossibly impassable.

Maybe I can...

Well even if my courage isn't back yet, I know the answer.

Test myself, see if I can improve myself again, build back to somewhere nice.

Get the courage that comes with actually trying even if you don't think you can.

Nothing has been as hard or as scary as it once was, but still it's more apparent to me.

So I know I've got to balance doing those things I would have said yes to with no thought.

And my bank balance...

Add in the things I've learn't and give life another go.

Love
Resonating
From Within
Jon
x

repression depressingly

is there something about depression that makes you self centered? Something about addiction that makes you selfish and greedy? Some about circumstances that can ruin even the best outlook?

I don't know the answer to those but I know I've ruined my own comfortable little lookout.

Over the past few weeks, to a lesser extent now that I'm feeling at least almost useful again, I was having negative thoughts cropup, annoyingly so. Also in the silence here at home, a noise has arisen. Sounds like an engine far away, or something booming, or something that is fucking annoying anyway, all day and all night. Of course it's easier to notice it at night when there is less of other noise around, but if it's quiet and I'm trying to meditate or just relax, I think of it and listen for nothingness it and it's there instead. Whether something locally has gone 24hr, or whether there is a noise which seems quite regular pounding away inside my head, well I don't know that either. There is a possibility that the noise was there all along but that I've noticed it and can't unnotice it now if that makes sense.

All I do know is that I'm not giving in, but I'm spending as much time as possible relaxing, finding other people not coming to mind as often. I'm less others focussed, and I don't like it.

I think about getting in touch with someone and I'll chicken out or change my mind. Can't make up my mind at the best of times, the more options the worse it is, so I always went with how I felt. Only thing is I've become unsure of myself, find it hard to just be, because just being me had lead me to so many mistakes that I've made before. Feels very similar to the way I felt a few years ago.

Have these two conflicting, huh duality again eh?, ways of doing things...

The old and the new

Feel like there's a world of opportunity that I'm missing.

Feel like I don't want to do anything.

Feel like I haven't got a plan.

A clue.

Anything solid anymore.

Grasping not for meaning anymore but rather just an anchor

Found it too hard to reconcile the differences between different traditions.

Just trying to be good and hope that's enough

havent gone back to the bad old days

just skirted the edges

waiting on a miracle

waiting for a sign

waiting for some direction

hoping something feels good feels right feels like something I'd like to do rather than something someone else is doing that I'll just tag along with

Slogging out the days

Where's all my love gone for life?

Where's my enthusiasm?

Have I just lost the plot?

Lost my character?

My personality is the same but his attitude stinks

Stop over thinking

Make some decisions

Choose a direction

Risk feeling like an idiot again

risk actually enjoying myself

most of the things I dread aren't that bad

Will things get more novel now? and more and more? and just mooooorrrreeeee?

Trying to see whether I should use this time to heal myself or whether pushing on is the way I get healed, connecting out, being the person I was, going on missions that I'm scared of again.

Was it just a long way up to fall from?

When will I feel like myself again?

Will I ever be free of those old habits?

I suppose I keep wondering if I'm worth knowing and it doesn't matter what other people say, because I know what I am like inside, if I feel bad and don't want to let someone else make me feel better why should I?

I'm the cheerer upper, not the other way around.

It's not even as if I feel like I've been let down by others... I'm not angry I'm disappointed.

Will I feel better when I've paid people what I owe them?

When will it ever end?

Will something happen in december?

Am I going to break out of this vicious cycle?

Find somewhere to start over, live a different way.

Have a space for friends, for me.

How do I juggle all those things?

I don't feel like being the happy helpful guy who is sorted himself so likes to keep an eye out for everyone else while at the same time having lots of fun myself...

I feel like the guy who needs a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me while I sob out my own shit, somewhere to go where I just become well by breathing their air, eating their food, drinking their water, working when I feel better... And then I realise there is not that much shit.

Just me facing up to the fact that one day I'll be fucked because there wont be anyone around to look after me when I get into a state, or to bail me out when I end up out of work.

I've actually been thinking how much better all the shit jobs I gave up were than the one I'm doing.

Too much time to think, I need to be busy and then things will just fit into place.

I'll gradually feel better day by day.

My healing will be complete.

And then I'll fuck up cos I'll get all happy and forget what I'm doing,

I never was much good at coordination or multi tasking,

I tended to focus solely on what I was doing to the detriment of everything and everyone else.

Improving slowly on that one, some things have become much easier.

However it does tend to be he or she who shouts loudest who gets my attention.

At the moment it's me shouting at myself so hard it hurts.

I don't need this much time or attention from me.

I need to grow up for fucks sake.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

Hmmmmmmm and Hearse

Him and Hers

So quickly going past the fact that I went from zero to hero to zero to .99 oh no not even Jon 1.0 even. I guess it's confidence, and I used to have it now and then. Working is helping although it drags cos there's nothing to do and I wanted to be busy, but then I'm struggling cos I'm not fit. Then the mother and wife of the two blokes I was supposed to be working with dies suddenly. Perspective regained. Although I still spent long hours thinking how to get out of this trap. I did my best to be doing something all day but that gets tiring too, trying to look busy. They both seem like ok guys, soemthing about she was used to drinking half a bottle of vodka a night described as 'she liked a drink'... Hmmmm and hearse but no hired cars she'd want to do it cheap.

I supposed that I was silly to expect to carry on feeling an almost eerie calm in moments and perhaps that was it, I was so in the minute, not looking too far ahead, not building things up to much worse in the weeks before something, anything was coming up. So nervous about everything, anxious about nothing, because most things went really smoothly. My Dad used to say things like 'I think I prefer it when he's miserable' when I was really happy and positive about life, although maybe I was annoyingly cheerful, I don't know. Words have a lot of power, I hear people say things I can't believe they mean all the time, and yet when questioned, they'd say things like 'They know I'm only joking'. When it comes to the way that women are treated and men too in our so called society, there's a bias towards verbal norms. When you speak the truth all the time, others will say things like 'you can't say that'. I can and I just did ;)

I'd go from introverted, never contacts anyone...

To extroverted, always around with someone...

As for my comfort zone that was definately people I knew well already.

Not good in new company, liked to keep a low profile if I could evade the stories from coming out to play straight away. By the time I spoke to a woman we were already friends.

Or the standard 'How old do you think Jon is?' as I was between a few years older than most of my mates and my current best buds are ten years younger or so. I never saw age as an impediment or restriction. People should know people of all ages. We're supposed to spend time with older and younger humans, socialise with everyone and break down the barriers we place in the way of having a really good chin wag.

I used to find it hard to have a conversation. I'd avoid them if I could. You'd say hi, I'd say hi, you'd say how are you? I'd say fine thanks. That was it. Because I was nervous, I'd panic, want to get away. Didn't trust people, why do they want to know where I live? Strangers on a plane that kind of thing. I opened up a little more all the time.

Then I was blown wide open, and with a profound sense of love.

That started with me, and was all I was interested in.

Giving that out in as many ways to as many people as possible.

Visiting an aunt for the first time.
Picking and sending another crabapples cos she loves them.
Going places and meeting up with people I barely know?!? wtf?
Driving around Bristol! Yeah Bristol! and avonmouth and allover everywhere and gloucester and three in the morning and on my own as usual and lost as always and finding somewhere when I trust myself or forget to care and just turn the right way and loving life, never fearing anything.

And then boom. Pride comes before a fall? Heyyyy! I wasn't humble enough, diciplined anough, ready enough. I was a bit overexcited to have had such a good year and met so many wonderful people and to be feeling in the flow all the time and all sorts of things happening to me with some of those people, little things like a bit of flirting, or even just a really nice moment to remember, or doing a good deed like twenty times a night and having loads done back to me and yay I managed to keep on an even keel, I haven't driven when I was unsafe to drive, I've passed so many tests, a few breathylisers, well two is a couple, a few is usually more than two but hey whose counting? Haven't done anything sillier than I've ever done before, let myself back into life having spent two years slowing re-entering all sorts of different spheres and scenes. Slowly getting back in touch with friends after dropping everyone and everything.

So I have loads to be thankful for, I love you Mum, and Dad.

And Nina.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

And the dogs
and the world
and everyone
and everything
is still so murky
but I'm feeling slowly
more positive and clearer
knowing though exactly what
it is and was that I need to quit
and this time I haven't sworn off
women for good, at all, which is nice
I haven't left myself much wiggle room
I gotta work hard and somehow get into the
kind of work that would make me happy and smile
instead of leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth of
recycled plastic and dust from hanger 42 at Ex Mod Base

I had a courageous and fearless attitude before I crashed down after I took off

I gotta get that back, feel it believe it, see myself some miracles again

Feel the magic feelings again, get some more sights and sounds

Relax a bit more again, go with the flow again

Take it easy, with time flying and gliding

But always, joyously landing

all around me and all of us.

That's my goal.

Oh and that thing where you're really suffering and instead of geting in touch with someone, you're feeling so shit you don't even want people to see you, or to see people, and so ashamed and lonely and depressed and cos no-one comes around it gets worse and then you end up working yourself into a right tizzy of a lather of a panic of a everyone hates or just doesn't care or wishes I was dead or thinks I'm a horrible person or blah blah blah etc etc thingamydoojameflip

Yeah that. Shit isn't it?

:) I let you down
I let myself down
i let everyone down, not really but in a way.

I got scared and with my imagination, everything can become very scary or very wonderful

It got truly scary as I actually gave some ideas the possibility of being true, and then I was convinced. Good con game. Make everything available and the truth the hardest to find.

You search and you learn and then the negative spin on so many things and the truth feeling so near and then so far and then unfindable so you know it's gonna take a lot to find.

So you give up. But it's taken over your life. No t.v. but thats a good thing. No money but that's a good thing, ish, not at the moment or for the last three months but one day it would be a good thing. For now it's a shit thing. Erm yeah err no entertainment but I don't miss any of it.

I thought a few years ago, well if I was on my death bed, would I complain that I missed the last this episode of a show or that film at the cinema. And I can honestly say I don't, I miss what they represent. People. Laughing together, crying together, being together.

I want company. I'm bored of doing everything alone. But I must say that going to places where people are accepting of everyone, really spoils you for the normal every day world. If you let it.

I started to see the world differently and then got stuck back into an old routine. And then floundered.

I'm getting better though.

Gradually.

Feeling very normal though.

Just realising that to start to believe in lots of good things being possible and then seeing them happen before my very eyes became a new habit. I got scared because I saw greater and greater challenges in my future, and just got even more scared when I realised it meant doing things I would never have even considered when I was younger, and drawn back there I became myself when I was 16, thinking about joining a meditation class in Malmesbury, I would have be so disciplined by now, so calm and steady. Well, I'm putting in the hard graft again, I lost my monthly celebration / visual feast on the Full Moon because of my own stupidity (and having so much fun in the summer / autumn and going to party's all the time, instead of saving money for picking trips. The full moon / lime juice combination (3x to 5x the effects, a third to a quarter the duration) really showed me a joined up world, energy fields around plants, my friend and I both saw phantom limbs on felled trees together, vortexes of kolaidascopes of coloured light coming from the Moon, like squinting into a diamond with the sun behind it.

I've made a decision to put off any plans to build anything, but as I have very few interests these days, except those that I can't seem to get into apart from nature, knowing I'll be working all summer to pay back what I owe, and yet I want to ride a horse at least once this year so I've got to do that cos I made myself a promise and now I've written it down too. Maybe I can trade my skills for lessons.

I'll work in your garden or give you a head neck shoulder massage or foot massage in return.

Hourly rate is £10 normally or a donation based on what it's worth to you or your ability to pay.

Gotta go give my Mum a hug and tell her I love you

Well, I gotta get my hugs somewhere

and I don't think I've said it before

so let's see if I gotta lotta bottle

Ooh I love a challenge

Don't dare me

ever

cos im a coward and I'll find a reason why what you want me to do is wrong and get out of it
cos I'm not ready for this and can't face your expectations and then i crumble

ohh shit it's like I can't lie anymore again

thats a start, let's hope the rest if coming back to me

knuckle down, work hard

mind, get in shape

mind, lost the weight

mind, how I go

mind, over matter

mind, my manners

mind, i speak up for myself but not too much

when i get so self concious i can't make up my mind

i cant just be myself cos thats wrong in a good way or a bad one

or there's something I'm not good at yet or worked out yet or something else

about life i havent realised cos i'm blinkered and daft as a brush and sensible too much

and then tired and exhausted or soooo fucking lazy

or cant help wanting to do nothing

feeling like it's a wash in me

errr if i had the money this
err if i had this or that
err blah blah
stopmoaning

thanks for sharing


blah blah
thanks for sharing







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thanks for sharing

















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thanks for sharing



















ah the silence of no mind
;)

Strange Goings On Down at the Circle K Bill

Well that was awful, he says hoping it's all over now.

Been so down but I guess three seriously diverting issues at once can be draining.

There was my whole outlook on life and spirituality, the resurgence of old issues and habits and finally day to day so called normality type things like working.

I've got a job and start on monday.

In a few weeks time I'll get paid and can start to pay off my debts.

Lots of things seem to resonate from the past.

Issues with our tenancy, issues with my own shyness and anxiety.

Feeling like used to feel all the time, in such contrast to how I felt in the middle of last year and for long periods over the past several.

I suppose I was getting so used to feeling positive all the time, so used to feeling good, so used to being in the moment...

I've worked hard and am still trying my best but it seems like I could do with some help.

Trying to find like minded people is not easy, I've never been any good at putting myself out there.

It's been hard enough to just do the normal stuff and realise that I was dreaming last year.

So caught up in new ways of seeing and being in the world that I lost sight of my own struggle.

So profoundly changed by the intervention of others in my life that I didn't take stock.

Let things slide, lost a job, took old roads and became so unethusiastic about everything.

The weird part is that the things that scare me the most are always the right ones.

As much as I fear falling back into old ways, the new folks I know are different.

Some are willing to intervene and actually help me.

I'll knuckle down and earn money and pay off.

Whilst constantly trying to find again that inner peace.

Working harder in my own time to produce a change.

Recognising a similar mind set to the way I felt before I challenged myself.

Seeing that I needed to face the new bigger tests with courage not fear.

Try to find my way back to the way things were before I jumped in with both feet.

Face up to those things deep within, old thoughts and feelings.

Old stresses, pressures I put on myself.

Remember that focussing on others is always a great relief to the self.

It's such a rollercoaster but being able not to slide into unconciousness helps

I don't resort to losing myself, I don't shy away, got to fight, to love, to learn

It feels worse at the time but afterwards it's so much nicer

I could do with as much good will as you can muster.

And I'll keep sending mine out and hoping.

Wishing you all the best of everything.

Love &
Light
Jon
x