What is life for?

Is it to experience things?

To work through lessons?

To learn from our mistakes?

But how if we don't remember?

Have we lived before and was it here?

Will we live again and is that to be transcended?

Aren't we supposed to see through the illusion that is separation?

Can the normal person off the street afford the time to ask these questions?

Do they even care?  The regular guy or girl who just wants to live and be happy?

Who doesn't even have these thoughts occur to them when they're just living life...

What is the dichotomy between the two ideals that I have seen, the gaian mind and
the idea that this is an illusion to be transcended so that we never have to come again?

Is the world a living being, an energy, have a spirit of its own, a spirit of nature, of the rock?

The new agers would have you believe that there is a life to everything and that we should revel in our place here, respect the earth and that is a no brainer, surely respect the place that gave you life and will not be able to in the future because it's being ravaged by everyone whether they know it or not or care, it is so...

The environment is under threat and has been ever since our rubbish went from being sea shells on a midden mound to the plastic refuse that breaks up into micro particles like the ones being added to clean our teeth.

Toothpaste and other products have tiny bits of the deceased creatures of the past in the form of crude oil, literally the crude and desecrated remains of dead things, as a black sludge raised from the sea bed and undersoil, then turned into fuel for our vehicles and other products like plastics that can be recycled.

I've worked there at a recycling plant for plastics, the only recycling that is going on makes money for someone, unless it's true recycling like being buried in order to feed worms, to rot as I would have my body do when I die, in one of the cardboard coffins, or willow ones like those I have been carrying and respecting as much as I can, from lorry to conveyor belt to lorry again off to go to someone to be put inside at death.

Death has been a very present facet of my life recently, older people tend to think on it more, I do, have done, who would go to my funeral I have wondered, how many, and would they be there out of respect, or would it be a duty they are carrying out, the fear of facing the future, the death of those I know and love, and then I come back to the very thing of life, love, do I love?  Have I ever loved anyone?  This shell seems to have loved in the past, or at least empathised, and cared for, yearned to love I have it on my fucking back.

I have yearned to love though I have not loved, nondum amabam et amare amabam is about unconditional love, the rest of it I had added because I wanted to finish the story down my spine, tatooed as though these things become, take on a life of their own, become embued within us, as above so below, above all I have writ in letters that burnt and hurt recently as they are wont to do occasionally, "I sought what I might love in love with loving"...  SO what is to be done with this life apart from trying to avoid debt and find some joy?

For I struggle to see much joy in merely carrying on as before, and these spiritual questions loom  large and have done so because whether the experiences I have had were of my own making, in other words the creations of my own mind, my own subconcious processes, turned terrible but great, mesmerising in their own way, totally believable at the time but laughable now in many ways, I can see how stupid, how crazy, I can see what a mistake it was at that time to believe what was going on in my own mind, I can see the folly.

I can see that lying in my bed under the covers afraid of spirits coming to stab me with poisoned daggers whether they were demons come to torture me or angels come to warn me is completely daft and insane.

BUT...  There are the times that I have done things and others confirmed them so are they crazy too?

Can I find any evidence of things that happened to me that happened to others at the same time?

I know that a friend of mine and I saw ufos and I'm convinced we both saw the same thing.

Am I to go back to everyone I've ever met and ever known and question them?

All I wish for and am recovering in myself is the sense  that I can see the truth of how weird what I was doing seems, I can see it, I can see how obsessed with numerology, doing things in twos threes fours and fives, all at sixes sevens and eights, seeing significance in those numbers and then why not?  It's a pickle it sure is...

Glad though to be doing normal things, drinking some cider, eating some shit food, then wondering is there any point in doing good to myself, treating myself right, shouldn't I just make the most of this life?  Eat what I want and enjoy it given how fraught with danger and mishap life is?  I see how fragile and wonder is it all a joke?  Were all drug experiences mere illusions in themselves, as A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada said they were but I decided not to believe him or was caught up in my desire to find my own way through?

He said that they were all hallucinations and I find my mind coming back to itself by playing scrabble, over time all sorts of rational things that were fading because I was so focussed on the creative side of the brain, the non rational expression of life was my goal, to leave rationales behind, because I saw science as a lie.

I saw realism as the goal of those who would deny there is any magic in the world and my world was so much more for all the times I thought I was doing the bidding, and saying it like that makes it sound bad, but I assumed because of the ride I was on that I was doing good, in the grand scheme of things, by what I said, what I did, how I danced, how I pranced around Stonehenge, but I too see the addiction to a drug or two.

I see the ways in which I allowed my addictions to drive my behaviour, still I see it now today, weakness, because I drank a bit and then that led to certain wants that I felt as a craving for one thing lead to another.

SO this human nature is a bastard, and that was what I kept coming back to in my deepest spiritual visions, that we are all the product of rape, a dragon having sex with a feminine archetype, an egg and a serpent, the kundalini in our spines, rising up as a spiritual energy when we do yoga and eat properly, it all got demonised by whatever was going on with me, people around me too, I wondered are they up to something, doing things in my environment to send me doolally, now I see that it was much more likely me, that was doing those things but unaware as we so often are of everything going on around us, not all of the time can we see.

This cosmic womb, the void from which we sprang, this universe of possibilities that seems like a hell to me.

Seems like a place for everyone to get precisely what they wish for so be careful and I came to see deep within that my wish was for everyone to be happy, I've said it when everything was going dark around me.

I was at a festival and my trip went bad, I was told within my own mind that I could see the darkness,  I could see everyone as the other side of the coin if I so chose, to see the devil in the detail instead of the god.

I've been there laying on my front waiting for the hammer to fall and maybe I've gone on about this too much.  If there's a god, and it can hear us, it certainly does not, DOES NOT have the power to kill us.

Or at least it chose not to do so when I asked so fervently for that to be the case the last time I was here.

This time, I said hurt me, don't hurt anyone else, kill me, not them, I delved deeper inside myself than ever.

I hope that what I am seeing is the shadow, because it's sick and I hope that means I can choose to change it.  I can choose to go a different way to the ways I went in the past, it's easy when you know how so do it.

Choose a self and be that one, keep on going, changing for the better, for the good of others and wait and see.  Because at some point in the end I will see what the point of this all was when I die and so will we all.

Will there be a great blackness, nothingness, if there is then maybe we will never know.

Will there be a light, at the end of a tunnel, a figure beckoning me to go there towards it.

Some schools of thought say that is a trap, it would be better to go towards disillusionment.

Rather I should say disillusion, complete dissolution, dissolving into nothingness rather than rebirth.

As though the beings waiting for us at death would pretend to be god, jesus, whoever we believe in.

Precisely to take our energy, our information, and send it back here, because that is what drives them.

What feeds them and it's scary to learn that you may have to make a choice that will be elementary.

That choice may take you somewhere you don't like, or that leads to an eternal heaven or hell.

This whole thing is a great question one that has driven many to the brink of where I am.

Thank goodness I know that I have done enough to deserve some punishment.

That is why I was fully expecting every animal that dies so I could live would drag me down to the earth.

Drag me down to hades, to the underworld, but instead in my vision I rose up, to take off, to leave my body, laid as I was in the forest on the soil, with some coniferous branches beneath me, and two large tree branches on either side of me, not a shallow grave as I wrote at the time but similar, a bit fake.

Not a shamanic thing at all, you're supposed to get buried properly or so I am told, I doubt my magic.

I doubt the fact that all others are supposed to be trained by the one who came before them are they not?

I know that an out of body experience, an OOBE as they are known can involve shaking, a friction as the body and the spirit are split, as the spirit rises up out of it, that is what I thought was going on to be true.

And when people look down and see their body they get scared, so I will continue not to smoke.

I will continue to experience my dreams, and train my self to become lucid in them, try to unravage my mind by being healthy as healthy as I can be when sugar has a hold on me and so does chococlate biscuits, and greed and this need to treat my body harshly because I have things on my conscience that make it hard for me to have people treat me kindly, how deeply they run I don't know but they seem somatic and make me panic, because I find my breath has stopped working automatically as it should, my stomach stuck, stopped.

What an adventure though, to feel in the same day as though I would rather be dead and smile and laugh?

TO be able to experience this at all whilst falling through space that is not a void at all, not  a vacuum.

There is stuff out there, dark energy that in my good times I posited was actually the unused imaginatons of the body populace, the body politic, the little guys and girls whose heart and minds have been stolen by their phones and mind numbing spirit crushing game shows, aren't we all living a a deficit world now indebted to it?  By it, by those who I should not blame for our situation they merely profit from it the rich, privileged.

Don't get me started on sex, I haven't because I haven't been in a relationship, and believe that love was more important than mere physical accomplishment, the need that most succumb to for physical succour.

I have loved the hugs though, thankyou for the music and the hugs though people thankyou so much for that.