Not a magician

I don't do rituals or ceremonies, although I have been invited to them before I just never made it there.

To me, if the intention is good, and loving there is nothing wrong with entering into this kind of thing.

I carried out my own ceremonies, I observed a week of preparations in order to put in what I hoped to get out of the experiences that I undertook.  To me ceremony involved a sacrament which was the mushroom.

I ate even more healthily than I normally do, and that meant also what I took into myself visually aswell.

I would make sure I didn't watch anything violent, no video games, no t.v. no newspapers either.

I washed before hand and made sure to put on clean clothes and prepared myself by being celebate and to my mind that involved no sexual activity of any kind in order to preserve my own vital energy within.

All of this meant that I was psychologically, physically prepared and in the best shape I could be to enter into my own ceremony in the best frame of mind, in order to get the most out of voyaging and asking questions.

I would make sure to have everything i needed to hand, fresh water, some food, I fasted before I took the mushroom, I always ensured they were gathered with respect, only take what you need, collect them in such a way that there would be some the next year, pick carefully, go through them as they are prepared, make sure the environment I am in is quiet, no distractions, the liberty cap was my sacrament and I asked of it, I said a prayer to the mushroom, i thanked them for their gift of visionary capability, I asked of them to keep me safe and to show me something, I entered into these journeys with respect and got a lot out of them.

I saw things that will stay with me for the rest of my life, I saw the branches of felled trees back on the trunks, as though phantom limbs were reattached to the harvested trunks of the trees they were sawn from, I saw the energy fields of the plants and trees around me, as though they were melded together, the auras of the plants and bushes, mixing into one another, overlapping around me, I saw the mighty oak tree glowing, i saw so many things during those days and i entered into a relationship with the full moon as my guide.

I would ask a question, have one in mind before my journey, the altar I mentioned has never been used, never have i lit candles and asked for anything, i don't make those sorts of rituals part of my beliefs, I have never learnt from anyone, i have always followed my instincts, and used the information gathered by reading from sources far and wide, I chose to accept what felt right into my ways of doing things, I didn't ever wish for anything for myself, always for others, always the dreams that came true were those for others, and maybe I am involved on some level but this isn't about magic, or mysticism this was about asking to see the truth of this reality, im not a witch or a wizard, i don't think of myself as being part of a faith, or religion.

I'm not pagan, I don't think of myself as being a wizard, i was just going with the energy that i felt.

I can see that over the years I have created for myself an environment that makes no sense.

The collection of trinkets is nothing more than that, my caravan is merely a trinket.

A sample of the things I've seen, the places I've been, the dances danced.

I followed my instincts up to and including bathing in the rain.

Literally having a shower the old fashioned way.

I see nothing wrong with that, being naked.

I sunbathed, washed myself with the rays.

To some these things have a scary connotation, because of the past, our need to focus on failure, negativity, the recreation of everything in a horror movie, based on true events, these ghost stories retold anew for a new audience that want to be scared out of their skin, i don't prescribe to watching horror films, I don't like the ideas portrayed there, I wonder how many folk of the past who could do seemingly miraculous things, using their knowledge of herbal medicine, and those who were called witch doctors who were shaman, who were shawomen, those tribal people who do energy work, to cure the people of their tribe, we fear them.

They represent something foreign to us, so disconnected from nature as we are today, all we see is money.

I have been through a whole lot of different mindsets, going from fully immersed in nature and loving energy.

Feeling as though I can walk through a supermarket and noticing how little real food is there, how little nutrition, some products have come a long way towards righting the wrongs, the price point of food has come down so low, it's a vicious cycle of prices coming down in order to attract the money of those who are buying, we have let our tastes be changed by the production of foods that taste good but aren't filling, so we need to eat more of them, I've been there and tasted something so incredible that someone prepared that you only need a small amount of it to feel full, what I would call real food, I even harvest wild food myself but find i'm drawn back to sugary food, junk food, even meat that I had almost overnight given up on, so many ways that things can be seen as one thing or another, habits in the household driving my food choices, those around me making purchases that keep me tempted to eat sugary things when I know they're not good for me.

It's not easy, to start and maintain new ways of being, let's say exercise like yoga, when your job makes you feel beaten and bruised all over, modern life leaves so little room for change, leaves so little room for a long term way of being that is rapidly dying, but there are green shoots, people showing the way back home again, eat well, sleep well, finding myself coming back to confidence again a little more, I've take a trip out into areas others haven't been to, perhaps unwisely, as I chose and found myself alone most of the time.

Others weren't prepared to take it as seriously as I, didn't put aside the full moon as a monthly spiritual time for these journeys to take place, I know I came to realise that when I asked the moon if it was me, it replied, although uncomfortably, that it was, so then I knew I was asking questions of myself no wonder I knew the answer already in my heart, what my next step ought to be, the meditation technique that says who am I?

When I have a thought, who is thinking it?  When it seems like a judgement, who is it?  Who indeed...

That is what is called finding the witness conciousness, to come outside the inner dialogue.

It is unnerving to be able to ask a question and receive an answer and hear the word you.

Too much the amateur, too little help, because I felt no-one else was out there, locally...

Those I have met, talked of experiences that are out of this world, literally, cosmically.

I cannot say that it would be best for me to spend the rest of my days reading things.

I assumed that the world out there had little to offer anymore, no more holidays.

I chose not to go the package route, no more flights and hotels, no waiters.

It set me apart and made it tricky because everything you said seemed...

Seemed to mean something more to me, I took it all as heavenly.

Or hellish, or great and terrible, the meaning was always there.

I took what you said not at face value, I became untrusting.

So I can see all of this, paranoia, pronoia, the feeling that the universe is out to get you in a good way.

That the universe is conspiring in your favour, pronoia, the cosmic ordering system, ask and receive.

I see the ways that television programmes have taken the idea that the universe is a living thing.

They say in the scripts of shows, perhaps it's a new way to talk about god, whatever it is.

The universe is sending me a sign, well i took it all too seriously, everything was a sign.

Everything you said seemed to have some kind of significance and I acted just so.

I tended to take whatever you said and come back with something important.

Or at least to me it was, I would take you to a higher level, raise you up.

My mind so high and mighty and I trace it all back to before my trip.

Before becoming god from the beginning to the end in 2011.

Even then my interests in everything, biology, nature.

Science, technology, everything interested me.

I took that further than most of the people around me I know, I took it onto the internet and found all sorts of things that seemed to make sense to me, earth changes coming, catastrophes, armageddon no probably not, but that other one, the revelation of a hidden truth, apocalypse, probably, i wondered if the world might end, as many may have done before in history, i spent the morning of the 21st of december 2012 in avebury listening to a druid who said time was ending not life, or anything else, just time, as a linear progression, it's cyclical was what i learned from the maya, and terence mckenna, it seemed to ring true, we're in a small cold war right now, as though everything is spiralling down and up, tightening and speeding up as though there is a quickening underway, it seems to go faster every day, to my mind, it was a sign of things to come, that something was on it's way, a point in time when everything would come to some kind of great conclusion, whilst continuing on aswell, time may stop as we know it but whatever we create will keep going on.

All these theories entering into one mind, and a million others i am sure, i would ask how many are awake to this?  A figure would come back, I could ask any question and an answer would be forthcoming, i didn't think it was just my imagination until that is precisely what my own imagination said it was, it's your mind, what would you like the answer to be?  I'd like it to be loving, either way, for everyone, including me.

If that's possible, I'd like a world where everyone has a fair go, a life to lead, happily, no necessarily forever after, after all living forever would be boring right?  Who knows though, i'm glad I'm seeing things better.

Will dismantle the architecture of longing to be something i'm not, gradually removing the tat i've collected, went through all the trinkets that I carried with me, over identifying with characters i have known about.

Going from that day when I was god, which is pretty much all i remember, to now having a complex about what will happen when I die, but hey, i'm more scared of losing my teeth and my smile for now and that's got to be a great improvement when so many times since that day I have worried about the fate of everyone.

It's nice to just be a human person, just me, and all these fears I have about the future well I think I needed them, I hadn't thought about such things, and saw those who did as unnecessarily burdening themselves with things that aren't important yet, but I can see why they did, it's all for the scrap book for when I rot or burn.

I can't say definitively what life is for, but I fancy being there for the others members of your family is more important that worrying about gods, hierarchies of angels and archons and gnosticism although at least I can if i choose without being called a heretic and sought out and put to the flame tied to a stake as a cathar.

I felt a connection to them, i wrote on my back in their language that i make progress step by step.

It came from a novel and i've certainly chosen an interesting path through life so far right now though all i wish for is a mortal life, for work to go well, to save up and pay my dues, to see a chaffinch on the window sill.

Closer than ever before, just like blue tit the other day, so much in nature to endure and enjoy once more.

Will i ever be the same again?  I don't know if i can ever go back, knowing what I've seen and done.

Mundane life seems boring in retrospect but at least i have a roof over my head still and family.

It's just that for so long I never questioned that or saw how much i took it for granted.

Now I do, now I see the ways that from the spiritual perspective i had, i looked down on others who were not on the same journey, i see the ways that those who do that, are being unfair to those who don't have the time because they actually have relationships, they care for one another, each other, they don't make time for these journeys into and out of the mind, they work, barely have spare time, just doing what they feel is right.