Out of context

So I was writing about the movies i ended up watching over the last few months, stories about spies, action heroes, anti heroes in some cases and then I watched a film called Mr Right, which you might be forgiven for thinking was going to be a romantic comedy and it is in a way, but then it turns very strange, dark even.

Without giving too much away, the characters turn each other around, one who was a certain way tries not to be, the other, accepts that there is a part of them that feels good when behaving in a certain way.  My dreams are becoming surreal but I accept that whatever is being processed within them seems fair and I don't wake up in a cold sweat despite, a demon sucking my sex parts and swallowing me whole or at least starting to.

Then there's the one where I am in a huge prison island, an island I've created for myself?  Keeping myself closed off from others because I wouldn't wish for them to get too close to me when I feel ashamed of who i am, who i've been?  It has all given me much to think on and I'm glad for the openess of my dreams and life.

So back to the films, well there's this hitman in Mr Right and despite the fact that I'm not a hired killer I have displayed certain traits when in extremis, or in  a deep state of relaxed concentration, calm focus as I would call it, or a confident feeling you get when your inhibitions are gone, your physical health is ripe and honest and you feel  on top of the world, you bring out your best performances and they suggest a higher level, a higher you, that you could only wish was the one you were all the time, and that is what I am alluding to here.

Trying to examine what it felt like to be on top physical form, top of my game, to do massage for others, to leave them with a complete sense of relaxation, elation due to the lack of pain, the removal of obstacles.

These days perhaps there is a twenty year glut of feelings and thoughts coming my way because I never thought about the future before, i just lived in the now, saw the future as a lucky game to play, guessed that something good would come along and it almost always did, the job when I needed one, but that's going against the way that most people live their lives, they seem to need the consistency, the promise of whatever it is they have at the moment, when I just seem to jump ship when an opportunity comes along and go with it.

Now all I wish for is to save up until I've got my own little nest egg to rely on instead of others, I see the honesty that I have been unwilling to afford myself with in the past, I just assumed that others would be there to pick up the pieces and they were, but that was selfish in the extreme, to have someone to fall back on is fine, assuming you are willing to be there for them too, and if I think about it honestly I don't think I was.

Monetarily I was there, we've been there for each other, now all i am is a worker and a chore minded one.

Do the things that everyone else does that keeps the home fires burning, mow the grass, go to work, try to at least keep some good habits, dietarily, pick wild food, try not to eat so much junk, but it's tempting when you're burning so many calories and food has become my go to comforting thing, without smoking and those other crutches I was using, to hide myself away from the sharp focus I seem to have attained just recently.

When I write like this, I just let it flow, I don't think too much, it just comes out so I hope that means it's the most honest reflection of what is inside, that's my hope that in not thinking, I can't hide from the truth at all.

 When I harvest wild food, I thank the plants for their contribution to my survival, thankyou plantain, thankyou nettle, thankyou dandelion, thankyou primrose, thankyou st george's mushrooms just out.

I walk slowly so that I can choose the greenest ripest freshest most perfect looking leaves to add to my food.

I walk slowly and I see all the life moving away from my footsteps so many little spiders and things rustling.

The flower heads of the dandelions are full of little black beetles that sense the death and move out.

They maybe feel that the flower head is moving rather rapidly as if in the wind and bug out.

I find myself too deeply connected to them that I find mowing the grass murder.

I know how much life I am destroying and how much food i am creating.

I am playing god with every step, crushing someone, feeding another.

It's a big responsibility no wonder i found myself hiding from it.

Now my head hurts because i'm drinking a little again.

A little bit of cider on a beautifully warm spring day.

Hiding away from the afternoon cloud inside.

Finding my life seems to revolve around charging my mobile phone and the deafness of those around me and the ways that i shudder when they fail to hear one another and then shout as though in anger at no response.

I find most emotions very overwhelming i think, perhaps that is why I'm drawn to remember and then I'm drawn away from that memory of crying profusely back to smiling because I'm fond of those who love.

So fond and happy for anyone who has love in their life, I believe I've been loving, unconditionally.

I wish to live alone somewhere in the middle of nowhere and not have chores apart from living and feeding myself and that will mean the possibility of roaming freely and moving around, to see the coast and inland places, to wander and get lost as much as possible in the knowledge that I can cope and love the feeling.

This dream to leave and not come back, this dream to not feel guilty about that, to leave it all behind.

To find meaning somewhere else, because in strangers I find it easier to be myself, it hurts me now.

This honesty is something I know I can put out there here, I saw in my dreams where the bodies were laid out, i collected them up and tried to do the right thing, but I had cried wolf before, because in my head there were bad folks in the area about to do bad things, don't let them in, like vampires they must be invited.

It doesn't make sense, I keep coming back to wishing and hoping that i'm the one who gets hurt not them.

When push came to shove, I said, i screamed aloud in my head, I just want everyone to be happy.

This whole place seems surreal and when I'm working there is no room for god and the other.

Just people moving things around, packages from one place to another who cares about the world and its future, as long as someone gets their insulation, their exhaust pipe, their whatever it is on time in one piece.

And I dream of walking to the coast of europe to the western tip to get another passport full of stamps.

To get another passport because for some reason the me I can't remember being burnt or lost them.

They're gone, my pilgrim passports are gone I cannot find them for love nor money nor loft space.

I burnt a lot of things and I wonder should I read more meaning into what I did in those days?

Or just accept that it was the destruction of some bad habits, and some strange decisions.

How does someone work out what makes no sense and leaves you with a mystery?

Perhaps even greater than the one about the death mask man in the moon and...

the sun that gives life during the day, they seem like such obvious symbols.

In a  world that looks more and more like a great big cosmic joke.

Going from exhaustion and feeling like there's no point to it.

To desperation to feel the energy in my fingers again.

I know it was christ like to feel it in two fingers.

To feel it that more strongly than in the hand.

If this is healing from five years of godness.

Then so be it I will play along until the end.

Afterall there is no leaving before she sings.

The fat lady, the phat lady, the beat, the song.

That note I heard one morning, a trumpet sound.

Now a throbbing, not often heard, perhaps it's in my head.

I had visions and a fear of a nose bleed turning into a brain clot death.

Those are the things that weed can bring you when it makes your head throb.

I smell it from time to time, I thought it was the natural smell but i think it comes from within.

Muscles emptying and my national trust sticker came so tomorrow i'm going to walk somewhere green.