Bucket List

So immediately i managed to go right back to what I would have done in the past.

Took my bank balance to the limit of what i thought i needed and now it's insured.

My insurance company have decided to nearly triple my premiums will it not end?

So I have to knuckle under, buckle under the strain of the stress of working again.

I went to work with a bad foot, ankle, but managed to fight my mind and the pain.

I stuck out the shift and found the pain was gone again maybe that  was the same.

The thing I learnt on vipassana that pain is an impermanent sensation,  live with it.

I'm resting it up and finding that this way I will have to really find resources within.

I have to be strong enough to fight this little imp inside me that says do what you will, eat your fill, eat sugar, drink coffee when you don't normally, don't just drink water and get well, don't just eat vegetables like you were, I was eating so well that the weight just dropped off me, making my own chocolate healthily and yes I was finally loving me, I even spent all my money on others for christmas even though I don't revel in this new consumerist paradigm of spending money on things to celebrate the festival of the birth and then life of a man that we're not even sure existed, not that I don't respect the religion, I don't blaspheme, I don't swear about it.  I tend to leave religions where they are as some kind of thing that others take very seriously and that's up to them, the morals are worthwhile, the commandments make sense, treat others as you would wish to be treated is the heart of it, I was being so charitable, maybe this period shows me how I don't wish to be.

Shows me the shankaras?  I forget the spelling but it's the root of all let's say it, evil within us, darkness.

The root of all of our bad habits, the reasons why we don't love ourselves, some would say the subconcious programming within us that makes us fail at new years resolutions, so I swear, I promise, to think of others.

I make a vow, I see the experiences I've had, the things around me that I chose to include in my fastasies like the phone lines suddenly going out of order, or the way that people say things I can prove are not true.

That hurts them but they're getting old, or lying to themselves first, or just plain wrong, so let them be.

I'll just fucking have to make sure I deal with these deepest aspects of myself and keep good habits.

It's easier now that I don't have much of a social life, I can see how withered my life has become.

It's not funny but it gives me a lot of time to face challenges, do chores, tidy up around me.

Do my fair share, treat life as though it was no longer a rehearsal so I want to ride.

I want to ride a horse, I want to do white water rapids, go canoeing one day.

Maybe do a parachute jump, who knows, stop concentrating on thoughts.

Working is helping and this way whatever my situation as long as it's not affecting other negatively at least that way I will know I can deal with the pain I suffer, I can manage not to take it out on others, in the way I talk to them, I see it and it makes me sad, I shouldn't open up to those close about what I've been through.

It hurts them to hear what I experienced so I won't talk to them anymore about it and I know I feel alone.

But hey I'll roll with the punches, and see what this new attitude does to the world I see around me.

Who knows, maybe one day this all will become clear and i'm not clever enough to work it out.

Maybe ours is just to do and die after all not reason why, why are we here I thought I would.

I thought maybe if I kept asking the answers would become clear, they seemed to enter in.

They seemed to come right into my mind, I could actually feel them coming as though.

As though being implanted but then all of this sounds just like madness to the docs.

I know, because I've read about it, so we're going to have to agree to disagree.

If I can assume that I have the best chance of remission and long term recovery by not doing what I was doing, by not getting dragged back into those types of behaviour I was misbehaving at then we'll see.

Once a month if I can get my head down and find the place I can stick at long enough that pays well.

I will make sure I do one of those things that I have mentioned and see how it feels to just live life.

See how long it takes for all the rest of this stuff that I got carried away by fall by the wayside.

See what happens when instead of charging at the bull with your head down into it's head.

You actually start a daily meditation practise, I do so every evening before bedtime.

I will see what happens when I keep on keeping on, don't give up giving up.

It's hard not to see the ways that my writing style has changed but I like the fact that now I can write and let it flow, but also think on it too, I like my dreams, I like my sense of smell but not the fumes of others smoking, it fucking stinks, that's why I like the fresh air of my caravan and the space away to allow others so much peace and quiet from me, they laugh and talk about things and I don't feel like joining in, I'm sorry.

Maybe I will again, maybe there is a way back onto the straight and narrow, bucking up, to fly right once more.  Haven't folks made this journey before so many times, maybe even I have as I used to say, but then i've been messing with my own  perceptions for so long, knowing what I write when I'm high seems so darned profound at the time, feels so right too, but afterwards you have to take a short sentence and lengthen it to explain what you sensed at the time, what you thought you understood, to try to tell others, but then again I've found so few are interested, they're tired from their jobs or don't care, they just want to sleep.

I wonder about this whole are you awakened thing that goes on in spiritual circles, are you a sheep, are you asleep, is there a good side to spirituality is it a trick of the bad one, is there a good one, one goodness?

Or is it all in fact a demi god, a half life, a trick that you can't see through or win because it's rigged?

The creation of something that enjoys watching our suffering but then there are those who love.

I love them, the couples married for years, they had such love, I'm happy for others.

That brings a lump to my throat, then I think of young lovers on a picnic.

I'll never have that, why not, when we met in the summer?

Oh well, looking back was never my strong suit.

So much more of my life has been opened.

So much more to see and remember.

So much more oil in my lamp.

When I never believed.

In a god before.

Faith in me.

Was rare enough...

I know it, have felt it recently.

It starts with a complete lack of it entirely.

That becomes quite quickly a sense of confidence.

And if I'm not careful a lack of care for anyone but me.

So for goodness sake I can only relate this as something I can see.

Knowing I have to work so hard to change this internal situation and quickly.

But also try to take it one day at a time and stop acting and reacting so harshly and rashly.

Such a difficult thing for someone who panics and struggles not to push everyone away I'm sorry.

Trying to make sure none of this ever sounds like goodbye, because I said that I remember I was going.

I was feeling as though I should say the words, goodbye, and kiss, my voice, in my head said kiss your mam goodbye, there was a lot of welshness coming out of me, I even thought I had an accent but that's just me.

Apparently...