what happened at the most basic level

was that i spoke to myself as everyone i've ever met and some people ive never met
my imagination was capable of hearing the voices of those i have met in my head
i heard them say things like we will save you from all the other teams out to
out to get you we will save you give you money to leave us alone now
we will give you a place, a flat where you can live and work now
differing options and offers on the table to see who i am now
i took no offer of a bribe because i felt it was honourable
not to look to others to get me out of my situation now
when all it is is living within the boundaries i know
i fantasised within my mind about three women
they were folks i've met and had a thing for
whether that was in social situations or
experiences that at the time meant a great deal, whether that was merely a moment and this is the reality, not what went on in my head, and I know that maybe given that I won't face any of them again, quite likely so that I can wonder about what might have been knowing that nothing would have come of it anyway because i've seen the fact that they have moved on, knowing i didn't keep in touch, i moved on too, learning to live without you around, because you never really were, how often have i done that in my imagination created a world to live in, i don't know, i feel as though i can blame things but that I take responsibility, i could judge others for their effects on me but i won't because i care not to, i dare not to, i fare better i feel if i take it all on myself, and try to just not bury my head, but face what's in front of me, several years of monotony, because I choose to work hard and save up and try to get by without spending money and time on those things that may or may not have been energy, may or may not have been wonderfully magical, seeing the parallels with those who live the life i was living that is fairly hedonistic, i saw it as my role to be the first aider, the guy who met you, introduced himself to you so at least you felt you knew someone, were welcomed, it's a personality, a persona i don't recognise at the moment, it came with practise and confidence that I seem to have when I try, when I just get on with stuff, this process of enlightenment shows me that i was sneaking around incapable to seeing certain things about myself, certain decision making was caught up by addictions, certain things were chosen because of rationalisation, so they're stopped because i have to be strong out here.

I fancy getting fitter because this current job will make me so, i fancy earning a better crust for travelling away and working long hours, maybe that could be a way to work hard, earn well, get clear of the debts i hold dear, and kept pretending weren't there as soon as something incredible came along that i don't regret.

My travels in europe last year were life changing, were life affirming, i was shown how it is to be, to live by those from another country, oops there's a rhyme, i can't seem to remember that spelling, r h y m e, no reason, it seemed to come easier the second time, i had this thought, what if at the end of life there's a decision to be made,  split second you might say, i experienced talking to someone next to me, a ghost, answering the questions that their relative would put to me, i past on what i got which was the notion of responsibility, at death do we get to say to ourselves or whoever, whatever is there if anything at all, i would have done things differently if i had another chance. or at least i would like to have another go, or does it all end, people have wondered about this i guess more and more as they get closer to the final days, but it's been on my mind, since god and devil became so real, i watched shows, i see films, i hear the words, what in the hell do you mean by that?  I hear the words, but i wonder, because there's a bias towards negativity for good reason maybe, because let's face it, disasters are always happening every now and then to us humans on this planet, volcanoes, coastal tidalwaves, storms, lightning, the great and the terrible and the normal things that nature can throw at us, they've kept us yearning for peace and quiet while we find it comfortable to live in the places where disaster can strike, the coast, where food is plentiful, inshore where there is shelter.

Near the volcanic eruptions because the soil is so rich and fertile, people living below mudslides waiting to happen because it's been a while, life so precious and yet so fleeting in geological terms, and yes this writing is so too, someone is reading it, is it you?  Who is it I don't know, I see the countries that they come from but I don't have any contact with them, or comments, but even that draws me into self conciousness, that's the thing about eternity, having to rhyme, i wrote it right, maybe i'm finally learning something here, anyway I know the artistic thing about finding someones eyes on you, feeling as though you are drawing scrutiny upon yourself, when you get out there and do something, draw, paint, sing, dance, i danced oh how i danced!!!

I danced expressively, I stomped hard as though pounding the earth, it came out of me, shamanically, is what i would say, but humanically, maybe is a better word, screaming out pain i felt or caused i don't know, i would express the archetypes of mushroom transformation, clutching my chest as though to prize my ribs apart to allow my heart to burst forth and explode, like the time i did mushrooms and melted into the bed i was laying on, my whole body gone, all atoms, cells, blood, bone, brains, bits, disappeared and come back.

Because obviously i am here to write this, disillusion that was the goal to disappear and come back better.

I danced as though i were expressing the emotions i had never felt at the time, aping moves i've seen before somewhere I don't know about that, i found my moves were getting stale, but loved getting up on to my toes, loved the feeling of energy in my hands as though flying, holding my arms out, practising the ways that you can swirl and twirl around spinning on the spot, anti gravity is what i was doing apparently someone said to me, it looked as though you were floating, well then maybe i have succeeded in displaying something good.

Coming out of me, the spiritual dimension of martial artistry, because we have inside us what we see, so i know what it is to do a spinning kick, a roundhouse, all of the moves i've seen in movies, subconcious, it's all in there, trained to come out through being put through adrenaline, we're back there again my training, my experiences of the last few months, going through feeling scared a lot, that something or someone was coming to get me or my family, putting them through the fear that that was real at least for me, we live somewhere remote, even writing this makes me feel bad because i know the world is a crazy place.

As for me, i didn't worry about it to often before, saw it as my role to comfort those going through stuff, whether they seemed out of it, seemed crazy themselves, came out with all sorts of not very nice or understandable things, i figured it was safe to do so on the internet but i guess the risks are various, it comes back to the idea, do i just stay at home and deal with what happens inside this house, or go back out into the world knowing the what i do and say affects others, affects their lives, i make a difference, so make it good.

Don't get involved emotionally though, because from what I've seen they like me more or i like them too much for comfort when it comes to romantic types of things but maybe i'm carried away by my imagination again because those conversations in my head at the start of the year, based on what I wrote, what i created to make connections to the source of all creations, a rhyme again, saying i am open to conversation with whoever is out there that wishes to communicate, face to face is harder for me so maybe that was a medium that i was comfortable with given my little bit of training, our lessons involved getting into contact with our family on the other side, to religious folk that isn't good, we're not supposed to, it's witchcraft to them isn't it?  I don't know because I found much succour and support and friendship from my visits to spiritualist church, to receiving messages from mediums, i even thought of myself as a conduit or sorts, because the aforementioned meeting with the previous owner of my caravan, and the ghost that lived in our house.

A friend told me that it was someone I had known as a child, who once dead had decided to stay around and keep a guardianship type eye on me, to make sure I was safe but then I could wonder about the temptations in this place, this world, they're out there and so much harder to avoid, sugar, for instance, a big killer, causes inflammation, maybe I'm getting sidetracked but that's the route out and back for me, to write instinctively about things and go with the flow, in the brain it's like cocaine, sugar, refined, refined flour, white bread, the taste of all the things that aren't good for us is sweeter, the palette changes, eating wild food, was helping, is helping, I'm doing that with the spring benefits, nettles, added to dished, but biscuits, when convenience wasn't an issue you ate what you had around you, what you could forage I hark back to an age long gone for the majority of the world, the tribespeople now where man utd or arsenal tops in the jungle.

I will have to see what happens over time, will I have any authentic experiences now I'm clean?

Didn't I feel energy between my hands and play with it as a child, of the woods which is what I was?

Why did I push my sister into the stinging nettles, was someone whispering in my ear, to do such a thing?

On the fringes of so called civilisation wishing to be rid of paperwork, the modern things we lived without.

In this world today is it possible to save up and get away and live without money completely and sugar?

Go back to a life that meant your teeth didn't rot because what you ate was only rarely so sweet?

These things are pipe dreams and unrealistic expectations because I see a need to stay here.

I see a need to find myself a career, bury my head in worlds within worlds, games.

Go back to consoles, consoling myself in the created computer generated.

Wondering again how many of the things that I thought positive are not.

Microsoft I worked in computers and couldn't wait for the next thing.

Loved gadgets but spent most of my money of drink and socialising.

See my move to reconnect with nature and avebury and spirituality as something that took me down and up so many different roads, to places I cherish but can't see me going to again, how do I keep myself safe from temptations when I feel as though they are everywhere in this world, but not for me anymore, what are the limits of possibility, isn't a little bit of theft still stealing, those commandments that I didn't think about before weren't mine to keep they were just rules to be broken like all the others because we are free, others seem to do so, petty though it is to judge others and wonder why or how they choose what's right from wrong.

I know the choices were about, well if it's something from the company i work for then that's ok right?

They're big and I'm small, and this is just a little thing, i've been both sides of these equations.

I see the fine line, the silver route, via de la plata, between the yin and the yang.

I am and have been for a long time been being good all the way.

It never enters my head to swipe something from a friend.

Not that kind of addict that would rob or steal.

I wouldn't break in or take for the sake.

I would borrow, or pay back.

We're all sinners here.

If you look at the ways that the businesses get their products, at some extent there is damage to the environment, whether that's huge greenhouses in spain to create, ok grow, unripened fruits and vegetables so that they arrive in pristine condition but have no smell, no fragrance to the flowers in the so called super-markets because they weren't ever visited by a pollinator, ok why is pollinator pollinator when it's pollen?

A small point but in a way it's incredible that I even have an opportunity to have my say, to write this.

Life is great isn't it?  I am living, sitting here, writing this, eating till I'm full, off to work later, hating the idea of being alone in this world, when others pass away and that it the pain I've been feeling of not having any experience of any other kind of life, didn't know how to cook a roast until recently, from scratch, although I've learnt a lot in a small time, things will happen, life will progress, I just don't want it to that much, change.

I didn't realise how resistant to change I was until I saw how much things had changed whilst I was away.

Away with the fairies, off abroad, knowing how badly I treated those who have raised and protected me.

I didn't even care when they were close to death, saw it as a very specious thing, was blaze about illhealth.

Now I am back down within myself seeing anxiety, my stomach wrenching, symptoms that were hidden???

Been here before so let's stop writing this nonsense and get back to watching some ok t.v. show online.

Filling time with the things that I see others doing, looking for entertainment from the goggle box that in the recent past I felt, I FELT was literally a draw in the corner of the room as though magically not in a good way.  Like being kept away from the point of life which is realisation according to the spiritual types.

Realisation of the truth within us, that we are spiritual beings, living a mortal life to learn this.

I don't know but it keeps me awake at night at the moment, the fantasy isn't back.

I don't go off into my own little world again talking to myself or others.

Who were just figments of my imagination, projections onto real people.

Conversations about a future that will never be, something to hold on to for me.

Let's get back to reality, to dentist appointment, to lift sharing to work, to duck for tea.

All my vegetarianism, the new age thoughts on consuming the fear of the animal that died to feed me.

On at least one level I'm eating the drugs they were fed to keep them healthy, antibiotics in cattle for instance.

Just aswell I don't eat beef, I've tried but when I was a kid I didn't like that sort of thing, brown meat at all.

Took a lot for me to get a taste for it and I must admit I love the crispy skin of a breast of lamb or goat.

Back to all sorts of things from one perspective it's a dead animal, flesh to feed a need for protein.

Even when I was a vegetarian I still felt as though I needed to eat fish for the oils don't open this up again.

This whole thing of supplementation, the archaic diet of the caveman, what should we eat morally?

What ought we to eat to make sure we live healthily now and into our old age to ensure a lack of alzheimers and other degenerative diseases that are merely symptoms of the world we live in and our lifestyles...

So many things to consider and then I like to go to a shop and buy chocolate and eat the whole bar.

Finally a smile on my face, sometimes life feels like torture but not when a goldcrest flew up right next to my window, into the eaves of the house and from one side to the other gave me the closest view i've ever had.

On those occasions and the other nature sights I see, and then there's a plane and I know I'm really here, the games are getting so good graphically, virtual reality too, soon we won't know the difference and some have posited is this a simulation too?  A world created for us to be a part of that isn't strictly real.  I know the temptation that others have had to treat it as such, I see the mindset of those who would think it was ok to do harm to others on the basis that this isn't real, that the other place is, the after life, the other side.

Not me, I don't see that distinction, this is real and all I care about is not fucking up badly anymore.

So when given an ice-cream i eat it, when I see scones on the menu in a tea shop i will try them, but the rest of the time I will try to add such wild foods to my diet that I know are organic, that nature grew, that come with all sorts of dietary benefits that I can trust because I picked them and prepared them and that it true.