flipping flopping what do i call my new car?

So i wrote a blog post called mantra about a mantra I came across or made up who knows?
It was about saying to yourself, all of your selves, I'm sorry I forgive you Thankyou I love you...
Then I find this exact phrase, near enough coming back to me from a spiritual post online and then...

I'm flipping and flopping because I yearn to know more about the spiritual truth of this place here
And yet I'm back in debt to my folks to the tune of a car and my insurance goes up almost triple
So I'm crippled by this trap again, working again at a job that last night 6pm till 2am I'm there
For the first few hours it's a constant mind fuck because my head is saying quit go home...

Because my ankle, Achilles heal, tendon, whatever is killing me but pain is an impermanent sensation
I tell myself this because that is what the Bhudda said through my vipassana teacher S.N. Goenke
There is a reserve, a reservoir of pain in the body, stored there, emotions, feelings, sensations
To be felt that were denied at the time and this period has taken me back to being reborn
Literally as though I need to learn again how to wipe my ass after a bowel movement
And that is what I've been doing, reopening my eyes to the world around me...

Seeing what has changed since I didn't take into account those around me at all, seeing things anew
Trees, leaning to the west, perhaps, well I'm sure they always did do but I didn't notice mind you
Then I'm rhyming again and this was supposed to be the most normal post yet, for a long while
i was just going to write a post about the lads at work, saying spanish to the gran canarian
talking Polish to the Pole, telling the lad from Jamaica or wherever about a short cut
So that he can save himself 15 minutes on his journey time instead of going M32
No come straight into yate and that rhyme was just a coincidence like the one
the other day when a visit to a Dairy in a village called Minchinhampton
lead to finding a parcel for the farm that feeds the cattle grass to
make the organic milk that goes into the cheese and cream
that is sold in the dairy that i visited for the first time
the other day it felt a magical coincidence but
i just work in a parcel factory a warehouse
of sending packages to one place from
another and they're thrown around
like i've seen the baggage guys
do at the airport throwing
our suitcases as though
they were shit on a
shovel to be
hoisted
away
and
then
well
i ought to write about my new car and the reg plate because that was the title of this post afterall the things that normal people get caught up in like the Grand National that I don't give a shit about apart from the horses that die just from taking part but then that is the only reason they are alive at all, to race and I'm reminded of an ice cream place in Bristol that I just read about because I've decided fuck it, bucket list, I'm going to do jobs and not quit them until I've got something else, I'm going to keep my promises to friends, the folk I consider to be so, locals, neighbours, change my habits, until I can be free to do so less so, be naked in the rain ok this time I wore pants and some boots because I had to turn on the switch to recharge my solar lights in my caravan but just briefly did I leave before heading back in to sup cider and think about the ways which I will work like stink to ensure I don't end up in debt to anyone, not my folks, not insurance companies, who decide to hike my premiums to my mind criminally, i need to get out of this loop but what about dentistry, how do off gridders cope with bills, do they barter endlessly?  I love the idea of growing my own stuff and living in a community and basically using the skills you learn to earn, the skills you have to barter for things, not living as a good consumer, a capitalist user of the resources that are killing this planet.

BW03 LWN  Bow Low Now Because the previous ones were JHW to my mind Jon Healer Walker
and the most recent P335 THR Part Time Healer because that is what I was although the people on my online accounts seem to have had strange profiles in that they didn't have many friends, the ones I was sending healing to, and got good feedback from were they real people I have to question everything from now on, but try not to be too cynical but also don't be too naive but then I am, too trusting or too careful that's always been my obstacle, I either think everyone is out to get me or don't care at all about my safety.

My spiritual journey from looking for redemption on the road to Santiago de Compostela and this adventure I am living now where I feel like a catcher in the rye because I have my own internal promises I am making but to the outside world I could be anyone or anything they choose to see from their perspective and I know that in the recent past I thought I was talking to, listening to, my higher self, in my own voice, in my own thoughts I was receiving guidance, at one point I asked are you my guide?  What is your name? White arrow, white feather?  Has all this just been my imagination like my dreams that so often feature real people now and I'm back with a glint in my eye and a certain existential charm and smile again because I feel as though I ought to ditch the spiritual shit and just act as though today is the last day of my life and drink.

Smoke fuck it, although I like the sense of smell coming back, the shower and change because it's saturday thing going on, but then I have no money save for the bits in my bank to make sure I don't go overdrawn and then everyone is in this position aren't they these days save for those with lots of money and even they don't think they have enough, I'm not sure who reads this shit but they're anonymous mostly, because I get a bit weirded out when I learn who has been reading it out but then isn't that the point of all this communication?

That's my issue, I get defensive like someone who shall remain nameless and I feel it, I feel like a bastard for not being more open to help, more open to talking things through, more open to spending time with you.

Can I ditch the spiritual nonsense that is all about a new earth, a new paradigm, a new world, a new place in space and time, something that only those who live right will come to know?  Something that you have to treat yourself right to come to see?  Because you have to yoga every day, eat right, leave the animals to their ghastly plight of being injected and infected by our need to tame them, cage them and make them live so they can die to feed us which isn't right, factory farmed so that less and less are they respected at all, milked and eventually culled for meat, like calves who are male are no use to the dairy industry but Gerald Durrell will take them for his Zoo quite gladly farmers, if they're of no use to you, we'll have them for the carnivores.

I read that in a book I was reading of his in Yate library while I was waiting for three hours between the agency meeting and induction at the warehouse of the Parcel Delivery Firm and the start time so I read a book a bit and entered into a Poetry Reading Competition because I can dare myself to do this shit.

So I entered into it knowing I'm pushing my luck, working nights when I ought to be getting a good nights rest given what I've been through psychologically, but hey, fuck it, I've done it before, come back from the brink of suicide but even this time, although the initials GHT were seen and I unravelled them to mean, Go Hang Tonight, I just didn't have the gumption to do it, all these weeks of this year since whenever it was others saw my behaviour as strange enough to try to get me help, I snapped out of it when help arrived enough to come across as someone just going for walks which is what I thought I was doing at the time.

But, BUT I know I wasn't just doing that, I was taking things going on in my head like love affairs with three women, ok two at the same time, ok two people I've met but have little or no connection with really, both of whom I think are quite happy with who they are with, and one who I assume I was being palmed off onto.

Who is also someone I have met in real life and who gave me something spiritually so significant that well.

It's hard to strip the one from the other, tease apart the truth from the lies I've told myself in my own head.

But I know the distinction between spending all my time on this sort of thing, and the thoughts in my head and not doing chores like work, gardening around the house, washing, hanging washing out, cleaning, dusting, hoovering etc at least normal people get all that done and go out and have fun and do their creative stuff.

I wanna live a more bohemian life, be less fussed about stuff, be more hippy dippy but they frustrated me with their inability to arrive on time, or leave on time, and their houses are a fucking mess, I like that actually.

It's such a lovely privilege to be alive that I know I'm seeing it all from the outside looking in, from the inside looking out at the world of those others I have seen, truly seen but not met in more ways than one, hey you.

That is the way I've worked, from the skin of the rice pudding, I've skimmed the best bits in life only not dived in because well I was rubbish at it, I as too scared, I was imagining how it would all work out or not.

And that held me back from even trying, so in some ways as much as I saw this whole thing, from January let's say but I can trace back several years the episodes I have suffered, endured, enjoyed in many ways.

Cycling to an address in my head, which I checked on google maps to find it was in Bristol so I wrote down directions, so this is my instinct, what I saw as my higher self taking to me, as a person I have loved, as far as I know unconditionally as a sister, only. I cycled to the spot only to find the house wasn't there, no number 23 in this road, although I had been there, before, so psychotically and safely I might add I got there, terrified about the reception I might get, within myself it scares the hell out of me to approach a situation where I might be rejected, I was expecting to be greeted my a friend, a lover, someone to jump into the bath with.

As it turned out, I just thought well, I've faced with gratitude the rain on the way here, cycling with a wet arse, along a path I now know pretty well, the Bristol and Bath cycle path, the stretch before that from home to yate and beyond to connect and journey into Brizzle, the bit after the cycle path that lead me through Stokes Croft, past Lakota Nightclub where I've spent many a good night and morning at a rave or twelve, up the hills onto the downs or somewhere close to the place I knew, that road I cycled to was a place I've been before because I walked from my friends house near Filton, back into town along this road before.

SO my subconcious must have drawn this place out as the one I should go to today, with gratitude in my heart.  I didn't feel anything other than the scare I got from thinking I might be walking into a loved ones arms, maybe something nice might happen like a hug and then a kiss and then who knows?  But facing the terror made me much less scared generally, so maybe that's why I have entered the Poetry Slam at Yate.

Maybe that is why without the thoughts in my head that are mine but I considered to be from a higher place I can continue somehow to go on in this life knowing the shards of the sword that was thrust through my heart and shattered, like the splinters in my mind of the difference between a spiritual truth and madness go on.

That probably doesn't make sense, but it is what I would have written without thinking, it is what I had to write as a thread, as a flow, as a river, as a stream of conciousness goes and grows and shows me truth.

I though you were speaking to me my love, my friend, but you weren't or else we would have been together.

We aren't so that makes it all the more easier for someone who has caused suffering to suffer in this way.

I don't know about other psychotics, were they harmed at birth or just after, or was it something they did?

All I know is that I see the ways in which misunderstanding happen, we don't see what each other mean...

We don't literally telepathically know what each other are saying as much as I think I can read your mind.

I seem to think that I know what you are just about to say and I see that is a misnomer in many ways.

The more I learn the less I understand but I am humbled by the fact that you still love me mother.

Perhaps that is why I find myself alone more and more because it's hard to explain this to someone who think they are right so often, or doesn't see it as clearly as everybody else and they don't feel like showing it to me.

Well I've drunk my ciders now and the internet is calling me even though my spiritual friends suggest at 9pm a very large energetic charge will be flowing through those who choose to tune into it, those who feel more, because they treat themselves more gently, more sensitively they are more sensitive, and I know it, I felt it, I have sent them energy and they felt it too, I have done amazing things in the past but I can only look upon them as wonders of my mind and things that others managed to persuade themselves of too, I have to have a rational explanation for them otherwise my counsellor if I had one, my psychiatrist would surely want me to see my delusions as part of my illness, and I know as recently as a few months ago I had delusions of grandure, in that I thought I was Jon the baptist or at least someone loved by heaven and hated by hell, the denizens of which were hunting me down daily as I walked off into night and light along the roads around this place, feeling the pricks of their daggers, their poisoned tipped spears, and the pricks of fear sent by angels to try to get me to do the right thing, live right, eat right, sleep right is my new mantra, and maybe after a jaunt back into junk food, I will love myself enough to go back to a vegetarian diet, and wild food, well I'm eating nettles, and wild garlic, but my achilles is killing me too much to go picking that or those today so I won't.

My achilles heal if I'm honest though is a lack of self love, either because of the things I've done which let's face it, I see it all around, petty theft, rationalisation of it, the reasons why it's ok or not, to steal, to lie,  to be greedy, to cheat, to murder or have animals murdered in our name and we don't kill them ourselves anymore.

We're not hunter gatherers, we don't honour those we eat, we don't thank our lucky stars for the food we eat.  We don't say grace, in many ways as much as religions seem moot and outdated they had a point.

I am alone and it feels good, maybe that is something I will face again and again and I don't think it is fair to get involved with someone else, romantically given what they would be putting up with when it comes to me.

As I struggle but even less and less to comes to terms with what I've put others through is the key, all I want to do is save up, give them things I ought to have done in the past, birthday cards, pay for them, be good.

We'll see...