Episodic Anticipation

I don't like to know what is coming, I prefer to be able to enjoy anticipation, to be able to not know and feel the desire for as long as it takes for things to work out on their own, for information to come along when it should, let's say we're talking about a t.v. programme, or a film that is coming out soon.

I don't like the way that we are given snippets, clips of the following weeks episode at the end of the current one, it gives away too much because you can guess a lot about the next show from the titbits.

In the past it was necessary for people to save up for a long time before purchasing something new.

They had to pool their resources together, or let the anticipation grow over the days and weeks.

When you finally had enough money to get what you wanted it meant so much more then.

Now you can get credit and have what you want right away, no waiting, no earning it.

No you have to earn like a dog to pay off what you've just leant from someone.

We've let things get to such a state because we have no patience, no will power.

It's just too easy to get what we want and I've made the distinction before between what we want and what we need.  We need very little in life, shelter - water - food... add to that some company to share those things with and you have the basics for a happy life, a simple life maybe but a happy one.

Instead we all find our lives full of desire for things we don't need, and the cart is before the horse.

We don't need any of the creature comforts that we've grown used to, look at the way a child today behaves when some thing they love is taken away from them, we are spoilt and it shows.

We love things.  Look at the queues to get the new this or that first, to be the consumer.

I have not bought anything in such a long time, because I've not been in a position to, no job, any money coming in saved up to pay off a ccj, a county court judgement, and the rent stacks up.

But in many ways my life has become so simple because of it, I now lack the courage I had before.

I had courage before, I went places, I did things and I miss those journeys but I have also been given a chance to look at my life from another perspective, to look at the ways I was living it and judge myself fairly, to see the ways in which I have behaved badly, to realise the ways I have failed.

I'm down on myself lately and I've lost the spiritual perspective I had before, when I was there, when I saw the world from that viewpoint I thought checking someone out was rude, without permission.

I was ageless, sexless, non judgemental, I saw everyone as unique individuals with value and life.

Now I see myself as having gone through a change, a transition back to the way I was before.

It hurts because I am judging people, by the way they look, noticing the ways I am wrong.

Struggling to give myself a break, wondering if things will ever go back to that way.

That beautiful way that they were, when I acted as though others were my priority.

When I had confidence, to journey out and about, I wonder who I am, who I was.

I wonder about the world, I've been through things I wouldn't wish on another.

Come out the other side wondering whether there was a  happy ending there.

Somewhere at the end of the journeys I was going on I thought there was.

I find myself thinking about the end of life a lot, giving others a break.

I'm too young to be thinking about death just yet, it's what happens.

What happens when we die that preoccupied me so much though.

I will have to let my anticipation build now that I'm accepting where I went wrong.

Realising  the ways in which I wasn't looking after myself properly and I am now.

For the sake of others who I have to repay, have to earn and pay back kindness.

For the sake of the status quo, not rocking the boat anymore thinking I knew.

What I was doing, what it was for, where we are all going, it's a mystery.

We won't know maybe don't know for sure, maybe no-one does yet.

People I know though believe they have a line on all of this.

I thought that was what I was getting into too maybe not.

Maybe all of the things that happened were my own dreams, my own episodic anticipations of life after death, of connection and communication with dead celebrities, Bruce Lee, Terence Mckenna, magical evenings in the company of Yew trees on the full moon under the protection of mushrooms.

I hope for a review, an honest appreciation, of what went wrong and what right, I expect so...

I often wondered if our expectations, almost always wrong in life, lead us somewhere in death.

That maybe what we believed would happen when we dies would be what happened when we die.

That atheists would find nothing there, but blackness and that's it, that humanists would find the same.  That anyone expecting something would get what they deserved but then we're all sinners.

I also thought that it would make sense for forgiveness to be necessary for even the worst evils.

Someone creates most wrongdoers, they were hurt, physically, mentally, made into what they were.

Or their choices carried them down whatever road it was they ended up at the end of finally.

Temptation, free will, decisions, actions, the world is such a large mess of all these.

It's not fair, by any means, good people die young and the bad ones can live.

So it could only be after all this that everyone would see a fair deal.

Or that everyone finds that there is nothing afterwards at all.

Either way, it ends when you die or there's a surprise.

I hoped the lights went on and everyone yelled...

Then they're switched off for the next in line.

Shhhh here comes another one.............