scared scarred scurrying

I'm scared, psychologically scarred, scurrying to find a way forward

I had this daft faith, this confidence that things would work out

When pushed into a corner I always came out fighting...

It would start with a lack of confidence, I would be shy but come across ok

Then over the weeks as I got my head above water again I'd get bored

I'd get to realise again that I wanted something else again, new

So now the new seems so far off, what I wished for dead

Things have gotten better slowly over time, ups

Downs, generally better over time slowly

Then worse again, stress induced

I'm scared, scarred, scurrying

I feel alone, there's no-one I can turn to, the medical profession has not helped, I can't open up about the things I feel or think to anyone, don't want to upset the apple cart, or people I know, wish there was a way for people like me, them, us to share whatever it is we're going through, find others.

Share the ways in which we are different in the moment, for the moment, for the present

I don't know if this is all a natural exploration of my worst and best aspects because I really have had the confidence to be the best I could be and crashed terribly from there to the lowest aspects now

It's hurt like hell, maybe that's what hell is, a state of mind, a place within the head to live in

For me it's waking to thoughts that aren't going away like they did before, fading memories

I'm not pushing them away, not asking for them to be gone, waiting for the natural way

I'm assuming that I deserve this period, that I have failed so miserably in the past

That my future has been destroyed because I was like this before, felt alone

That I would die, never having loved again, never having felt loved again

And so those aspects are alive in me, and I can't see how I could open

Up to another soul, or bare it, or bear it, to see the look, to be honest

So if I feel as though I'll never be close enough ever or again then

I'm in mourning for a past, present and future that will never be

I feel as though I know the mistakes I've made and can see why I would dearly like to go back, or live this life again, I felt as though this was my chance to heal the wounds of previous lives, a final chance to deal with the karma of previous incarnations, literally flesh puppet with anima, animo, animated...

Literally as though this was the last time this soul will come here to live a life and this is it?

I have the tragic love affair, my only exploration of one man and one woman together

I have the details and memories of the last several years, coloured in and by the old

I have the experiences I have had over those wonderful and stark summers yet

I can't suggest that I have learnt anything, experienced anything real or so

I thought I was, redeeming myself, repairing old wounds, healing me

Atoning, alone in, wandering through life, meandering, pandering

Manderin, satsuma, word association, access to the subconcious

It's there, I'll hear a song, or a word, a phrase, the links clear

Back to watching shows and getting hooked, fearing all

Back to the person I was, shy retiring, finding anything to do but what needs to be done

Until the last, the pressure, the walls close in and I have to act because I put it off

Until it has to be, until I can't do anything but whatever was suggested or

until I can't do ought but write from the heart again, feel dead inside

Wish I could feel those feelings again, the energy, the lightness of being that I felt

The connection, elation, passion, wonder, life, wishing isn't getting though so

I'm going to stress that all I want is to somehow pay back in money if not

in affection, as i tear up, for I feel like I've done this, foolishly if not by design, not mine

accidentally, and then going with what I thought was the flow I've shown myself up

purported to be a shaman, then a healer, felt like I was, saw things, energies then

Felt them more recently, I thought I was demonstrating tantra, my massage

self at first, then others, I wish for them to know it was all honest, true

Never self agrandisement, I guess my hope is that when all is said

and done that it will be obvious to all and to myself where twas

that i did right, where twas that I did wrong and inbetween

somehow a balance to be restored and sharply defined

for me to go on have enough love for myself to eat

to live to be healthy to keep good habits i don't

want to show up those around me anymore

if that means never having any magic

if that means never keeping odd

hours anymore then so be it

i just want to earn save

pay off debts ccj

somehow be

free one

day

x