something inside so strong - For Jamie

something inside so strong

a very real sense of the surreal

life itself feels surreal, in that the last few years seem like a happy dream interspersed with awful thoughts and scary imagery and feelings of such sweet happiness as though life was coming together.

i can go on a journey sat in front of my computer, and visit places i've never been to and revisit those that I have, searching for the location of the college I learnt my first trade at in swindon after finding out the other day that the factory and office building where I got my first job have been turned into a close quarter battle location for air guns, bb's fired as people roam the gutted factory building, the offices over the road where I plied my trade as a computer repairer now the location of a business called nexus.  Who knows what that stands for, it's just another trendy sounding name I guess.

Finding out that the company I used to work for, Plessey, that later became G.E.C. Plessey after a hostile takeover in fact has a place in history as an employer that gave Swindon an identity above and beyond being mainly for the staff of the G.W.R.  The Great Western Railway.

And it's things like these that concretise, that seem to set our place, space in history and time

They seem to suggest that as much as I would like to see history as a lie told by the winners

As much as I would like to see this facade over existence fall away for everyone to see

As much as I would like the charade, the game, the illusion that is this life to fall

As much as all this is true, nonetheless, people are born, do things and die

This is happening, someone, a friend, an aquaintance died yesterday

Or at least I found out about it and it brought tears to my eyes

My thoughts make me feel like a disgusting pig, these days

So judgemental, on the basis of physical appearance

I'd come so far in the last few years or at least I thought I had, taken on a different perspective or at least I thought I had and maybe I was kidding myself, because I can see how that was false and true

I can see how much it was something I carried with me, felt was a process I was undergoing

A spiritual transformation, the creation of a new me, from the chrysalis of the old one

Dying whilst alive, to be reborn as something new, and strangely loving it all

Loving the things I've gotten up to, the people I met, the life leading I

The life I was leading and I can only comment and prize, praising

The ways in which I was opening up to the world and people

Despite my failings I was in places and spaces open to me

Loving the new found freedoms I had discovered

Facing fears so readily and so frequently that,

they seemed to disappear to be done with

But that is just the way it goes, you have to face them every day or they come back again

Nothing lasts forever, not courage not anything, it's all transitory, has to be learned again

I find it hard to believe anything anymore and this life seems so surreal so dreamlike so

hard to take hard to live with facing the humdrum again the struggle, pain of life again

I thought long and hard about whether this would all make sense without an after life

without an after party, a chance for everyone to be forgiven their sins, yes, praised

blessed for the good things they did as no-one is all good or all bad not really so

and getting together again once we're all dead, outside of time and breathing

just seems to make so much sense of what is a pretty fantastic thing alone

just living is a wonderful victory over the darkness, emptiness of space

to be able to breath, speak, listen, hear, talk, walk, celebrate it please

because a friend of mine no longer can, not here with us anymore

he's gone somewhere, and the mysteries are over one way or

tother, either it's all over forever or he's somewhere else

something else, energy perhaps, light, love, forever

that is why i plan for the best and save my hope

for the worst times when you need it most

For Jamie
love
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