i'll follow you down

i've just watched a film about time travel and setting things right in the past, rewriting the future

truth is i've also been wrangling with the idea of god and an afterlife and punishment and reward

over the last months & years i've had experiences that could be said to have only been in my head

i'm not thinking too hard about what i'm going to write, just letting it flow out in the hope it's truer

that in that way i can express whatever is inside without having to know it, or rationalise it, think it

this way maybe i can understand, i know i feel that there have been things wrong, i don't like them

i don't like the person that has been revealed but then maybe that's a chance to change for the better

maybe this is a chance to choose who to be, at the same time however it makes me wonder was I?

was I just this person all along but lied to myself and made myself think i was something more?

i know the extremes that I have been to, the lengths, the ends of the earth, the thoughts i thunked.

capable of great good and great bad, we are capable of so much, if  I could find the dividing line

if i could actually KNOW what was just my own imagination, own creation, maybe i never will

maybe that's the point of all this, to try, to see how far we can go, how much we can achieve now

who knows I would like to think that as we all have free will, that the sum of it all, the good, the

bad and the ugly truth, all added up to a hill o' beans, leaving the sum of its parts, greater than the

sum of our parts, like cells within a giant organism, imaginal cells, being the ones that can dream

the ones that dream of a better world if not for themselves then for those that will come after us

i guess i've blown it really, not given myself much of a chance, don't see how I can make amends

all i can do is carry on, try to provide some kind of recompense, try not to make things worse

this world seems so real now, history, the process of life, from our forbears, relatives, dead ones

through our lifetimes, to the ones to come, to those who will have to struggle, fight, work together

to try to create a world worth living in for the next lot, clean up the environment, make all new

packaging environmentally friendly, biodegradable, change everything we do to be sustainable

because if they don't we're done, maybe someone, some people have plans but I think they will

fail ultimately, i maybe was swayed too easily by what I read that others said, maybe so indeed

i have to believe that the future is bright, that we are evolving somewhere good because if we're

not then it can only be some kind of horrible dystopian world ahead, where everyone is bled dry

the ecosystems no longer viable, everyone living in domes, underground, underwater, under fire

if we can't resolve our differences we'll fall together or die alone, we have to learn to find the truth

the truth of us, the truth of this place, the truth to all the lies, no more adverts, no more products

no more companies, no more privations, no more privatisations, nationalising everything so that

the world owns us and we own nothing, i always thought this was the most exciting time to be

alive, the most exciting time but the more i've learnt the less I know, and I never heard from god

i cried out, i asked to die again, and then, medicated to sleep, ending the treatment, i couldn't

i lay awake after weeks of thinking i could talk to people in my conciousness, i spoke to it

the darkness, the evil, i was told i was going to hell so why not do the bad thing?  why not?

because i've been to hell and back that's right, i said i would go and bring some souls with me

i said i volunteered, i thought i had come here to experience something and I have no doubt

no doubt about it i have experienced a lot of things, so now all i can do is focus on making

others feel better again, listening to their stories again, stop telling mine, stop feeling sorry

i wonder about all the different fables of old, the bible stories, the myths the legends, age

old tales of daring do, of gods, of monsters, of good guys turned bad and bad guys who

decided to turn over a new leaf, villains who were saved, who healed their old karma

that's what i've been through, seeing for real the things that came out of me as i grew

see the events that i had blocked out, memories i had changed to be more acceptable

psychological warfares of the past, now i have to live with it all daily, look towards

the future like i never have before, realise and accept that the people in my life will

live and die as all do, and me with it too, the visions i have seen, of future bodies

replaced off the shelf, riots come and gone, heaven seen through a club window

all shiny with such vibrant colours, tentatively, wondering is my heart lighter

than a feather?  in balance over my lifetime i've done more harm than good?

more good than harm?  i sin cerely hope so I thought I had, focus on good

times, focus on the times i felt a part of something greater a higher love

a process underway, an evolution of life and love and light inside me

was it all just a failed attempt to understand the world and life itself

was it all just the fact that i was high all the time and felt things too

was it all just a waste of grandchildren and relationships i coulda

shoulda had when i couldnt do anything but fall for two friends

grew out of that slowly by getting hurt a few times more when

opening up to anyone had become such a chore, to risk again

to risk being open, risk trusting anyone again, risk living life

i've got to live for the sake of those around me and thomas

if you can do it then so shall i my friend i wish to see you

i wish to meet you again some day in another life another

way

x