Eli Stone

Abstinence Only Sexual Education Programs?

Really?  The division between church and state.

And yet kids can be told that condoms don't work?

I don't know whether what I can learn about the U.S. from a t.v. show should be taken as anything other than a view of the situation as it was when that show was made and that was a few years ago.

I've gone through so many incarnations, so many different viewpoints, over the years.

You see I feel as though we should be able to be more open about so many things.

We ought to be able to be less squeamish about nudity and the human body.

After all we've all got one, and they're messy things, shit, piss, cum.

I feel as though too that youngsters ought to be protected though, from too much pressure to be something they are not, but also that they ought to be able to be who they are as soon as they feel comfortable with who that is.  The law says all sorts of things, in order to protect the youth from older people, from those who would hurt them, corrupt them and yet it also stops them from being themselves, from experimenting, from listening to their own feelings, from acting on them.

In some ways it's a naive position I take because I would wish for a world where no-one is hurt, abused, or used, where everyone can experience being loved for who they are, and love one another.

I guess I've felt for a long time that the innocent deserve protection and yet we shouldn't criminalise or make rules that suggest everyone is the same, age limits on things suggest that is the case.

The bureaucracy, the laws, the rules are all designed to make the best of a bad situation, not to provide guidance, but to ride roughshod over the population, by telling them how to behave.

I always felt as though right and wrong were inherent, in built, there within us all from birth.

That we learnt how to behave badly, that mistakes of the past were handed down.

In some ways I have felt as though bad behaviour, abuse is like an energy.

That it seeps through from generation to generation in the dark.

The energy of the wrongdoing passing on to the next.

Maybe I am wrong and it's more complicated.

All I know is that when I stopped drinking, and even when I was, I avoided situations where I might be tempted to take the state I was in, or anyone else was as an excuse to do something under the influence that I wouldn't do when I wasn't.  I avoided situations where I might be offered.

I avoided situations where I might be tempted to ask the question because I was drunk.

I avoided lust, where I could, felt that love was worth waiting for.

I'm no saint, I've done things I regret, will never speak of.

I had learnt that there was good and evil in us.

In the world, in the temptations we face.

I didn't fear death, had lost the squeamishness about certain things, and now the fear is back.

I started to fear death because I faced the true terror of evil in my conciousness, met it.

Met evil, the devil in me projected onto another, faced away, said kill me now.

Expected my head to be bashed in, where my friend of course never would.

Never could, of all the experiences I have faced I never raised my hand.

Hand to god though now, I wish I could go back and face myself.

Say to myself you did right in that situation, in that you did not.

In that particular case you did wrong, don't do it this time.

I can't go back only forward, so I'm waiting to forget.

Not blocking things out, waiting for them to fade.

Honestly though I'm not sure I can face souls.

I'd rationalised a few things and people.

Held beliefs I've challenged now.

If it's a case of wanting to come back again and have another go here, I thought, felt as though I had found my way to the centre of the labyrinth and earned the right not to come here ever again.

I felt as though I would be punished for the times when I had chosen wrong and still feel like that.

I wish I could focus on the things I've done right and maybe in time I will again, start over.

Feel less as though I would prefer to be abstinent for the rest of my days and never love.

Though I would dearly love to love, to feel love, to give love easily, to meditate on it.

So I shall and start over again right now, right here, hold myself inviolate of love.

nondum amabam et amare amabam i have not loved unconditionally though i

yearned to love, i sought what I might love in love with loving...  Again.

Living again, here again, with x's against my name on my palms.

Big dreams, maybe too big for my tiny sense of my self.

Maybe too big for me to ever realise in this life.

I hope I can for others, not for myself.

Whether it's because I fear death.

Fear the consequences of it.

Fear never having loved.

Fear the end of it all.

Love never dies.

I was told.

Love

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