Illness In The Body

So my mind is slowly coming out of the illness, the state of self loathing, the balance between the heretofore shadow and reality...  The shadow has slowly receded now that I've come to a decision about it, made terms and agreed them, and finally feeling like progress has been made, the repeating of things goes on, my mind is usually overwhelmed by the thoughts that won't go away, my body has been giving me so much grief.

I am feeling emotions rear up from within and letting them go, my feet are in pain, is it neuropathy?  Having tests done to find out if it's diabetes, I have improved my diet recently and shall continue to do so, I don't and won't accept that I can't get out of this situation through a process of continual improvement.

Stress induced I wouldn't wonder, all of these things, the pain in my abdomen that is there from time to time associated with depression, however I am not as depressed, just find it hard to get out of bed.

Had a wonderful evening Thursday night, got back a little late, then stayed up instead of going straight to bed, then couldn't get to sleep, when I've been going early to rest, to meditate, to ease into sleep every night.

So will have to keep up the good habits, as lack of rest, sleep, seems to make the early morning anxiety worse, waking early then worrying about my health, can't get back to sleep, not sure I want to live with illness, not sure I can make it through some days, but less so gradually, the worst days are over, the time spent going over old things slowly becoming less.

I am doing this the hard way allright, as I have always done, making this the least happy period I have ever experienced, the closest I've ever come to wanting it to not continue, however the most conscious I've been of these thoughts and feelings and so the pain is so exquisite, and seems justified so I don't hide from it, have wallowed in it at times even.

All I know is that it's slowly getting better, I will get through this,I will find ways to move on up.

I will find a forward escape velocity, I will find solutions, it's making me work hard for them.

Finding the more I work on meditating, although I find spirituality so confusing,I have to work internally.

I have to try to ignore the temptations outside, the options out there, work on the body, the mind.

Can't decide what is true anymore when it comes to all the different options out there.

Need to start experiencing things for real, working hard, not enjoying it much.

But that brings me back to the notion that I'm not supposed to.

I was wrong, I thought I was one of the good guys,

my evil twin is calming down, my shadow less of a pain, sure I have to accept it,

has returned with a vengeance, having been subjugated for so long, locked up,

came back with all sorts of daft and frankly dark impressions that I recognise from others,

friends have intimated similar things that I would never have agreed with and don't now either

but I can see where they come from, I still regret so much that I did whilst following,

unable to lead myself, unable to see what I was doing, just rolling down the road,

no direction, still feeling lost in the desert, still desserted, still alone.

 Few actual connections, one in particular I value,  can't contact.

Work, at home, work, work work, work, work, work...

Finding time to just be, trying not to depress others.

Persisting despite the occasional desire not to.

The mental anxiety and imagery draining of power, I am bringing it to bare it's not coming out on it's own, not remembered so much as the vaguest thing now, not as harsh, or clear, just a thing, I am working through.

I've made my peace with the past, or am slowly getting there, nothing I can do but work to make a difference, work to readress the balance, work to do some good in light of the clear and present danger of the old things that came back, that I'd denied...

All this new age crap makes no sense to me and there are so many voices in the world, talking rubbish.

A daft scientific basis, no evidence, just using accounts to create a history.

I'm giving it all up, going to see what comes from within, deny the things I know are wrong

Go with what I know is right, knowing I have stuff to make up for,

Time I did so, looking back with disgust, I thought I was one of the good guys, so now I must be gooder

Love
Jon
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