Time to think

I don't get much time to think as the majority of it is spent painfully torturing myself and going over and over the things I've done wrong, trying to work out how I can get over these shadows of the past and also occasionally suffering from other normal things like a health scare, trying to carry on a so called normal life in the meantime and also desperately searching for some answers.  My anchors were all pulled in and I was adrift for so long, I've looked back at things I believed and set them adrift too.  I'm still not convinced by anything I've heard or been told but I have to admit that either my mind was being read or someone 'up there' knows just how desperately I've been trying not to get, erm desperate again and do something rash.

I feel like I should be in pain and so it's difficult for me not to be as the brain and mind is so powerful.

There's aspects that have improved usually as I learn my way through this process of accepting how badly I fucked up in the past, going round the loop of deciding there's nothing I can do about it now, that there are things I will never know, or may never know (don't want to be too definite as I can't be sure).

I've had the magic and mystery of this place (existence, reality) whatever you want to call it, brought into such sweet highlight and doubted every experience I've ever had in those realms that science and progress denies.  You see as far as science and mysticism are concerned and the failing gap between them, there are still so many unanswered questions.

The stuff I experienced in my head, may have just been that, things up there, not out there coming in, but in there coming out, stuff I was able to convince myself was answers to questions.

I had a relationship going, with a muse, and my thoughts and musings and inspirations were all prepared and used up in the past.  Now there are intimations of that source again only I'm not sure I trust it, trust myself yet, or ever again.

Truth being told, I don't do stupid things, unnecessary things anymore, or haven't in a while.

I don't act on the silly thoughts, that's all they are, they don't scare me, or make me anxious.

They're just thoughts only they seem to be of the nasty nature, the nasty side of my imagination.

The shadow side of my psyche unleashed, released from a jail from whence it was held up until now.

I trapped the darker side of myself there, with all its misdemeanors and memories and now they're out.

They're not always on my mind as I can spend most of the day when I'm not actually doing something painfully going round in circles asking what do I do now?  How do I make ammends for things I'm not certain I did?  How do I make progress in a world I no longer feel like I deserve a place in?

I must have rationalised those things I did before, I must have sent them away to the deepest darkest recesses, I must have banished them and going from the experience of being god for 8 hours to the lowest of the low is fine when you've got nothing to worry about or simple and not too bad things on the back burner, but my shit stinks badly and it's festered there.  However I know that the alternative would have been to have carried on all sweetness and light and to be honest I feel like this is deserved punishment so I'm sucking it up again and making it the new reason for the transformation I wanted to make.  I wanted to make myself a servant of the rest of the world, I wanted to give of myself in service, I wanted to let go of my fears and I'm strangely calm and not so worked up about the crap from the past.

I just have it on my mind whenever I'm not really concentrating on something else.  When I wake up it's there, the memories, the part of me that was a fuck up, face the day, do the stuff you must do, try not to get distracted to the point of having your hand chopped off in an accident, try to be present in the moment and focussed before something awful happens, try for fucks sake to think of other people, put others first, try not to be a self referential, self obsessed, nutjob.  I'm not mental anymore, just looking around there are people farther down the rabbit hole than I am, and as much as that's where I want to be, I don't want to risk the equilibrium I've reached where I can feel the awesome gaping hole beneath me and yet seem ok with it.

I get to sleep ok these days as I focus on meditating for the good of everyone else, focus on the things I did before, the things I might do in the future that are worthy but not of mention, those things I could do that would be in some way achievable without recognition, can I make a difference, can I pay my dues?

I know that along with what I am dealing with now, there may come a time when I will come face to face with these things again, maybe there is such a thing as a life review when you die...

I missed every opportunity going except maybe one or two, I let my fears drive me, I let the notion that I would turn out like someone I knew keep me so called safe but not really, I heard raised voices and shrunk inside in case it was rage, it's a scary thing to fear that constantly for years.

I allowed myself to feel things, think things that weren't true or even verifiable because I journeyed alone.

I've been alone almost all my life, no-one to open up to, no-one close to travel with, no-one I could be honest with, and so I can't complain or blame anyone and so I wont, although I could a little bit.

It's all on me I take it all onboard and hoarding the angst I'll even get ill and possibly already am.

I've asked for some direction, been given some, doubt that, is it just another test to see how royally I can fail?

So I'm working on the assumption that I can only get better from here, I can only keep being conscious, in the moment making choices, guard against making mistakes, watch out for opportunities.

Told I would see patterns on the wall, like the shadows and lights of old, some of my earliest memories.

A wall of eyes, single eyes, signifying the opening of my own third eye.

The reawakening of my psychic powers,

I'm skeptical, all I want to do is heal others and in so doing use myself for the purposes of good, maybe earn myself a lesser sentence, a longer paragraph in the akashic record than just, born, failed, died, came back as an amoeba to start all over again as completely wasted a human life.

All I know is this world is getting more crazy and I don't like to use the words that mean mental, insanity and all of that, cos I see insanity as doing the same things and expecting a different result, not someone who is willing to try to change and be honest about the ways in which they were not sensible in the past, understatement.

I volunteered to go to hell and hopefully back again, in the hope that I could bring some other souls with me, in a vertical, forward escape velocity, into the vortex to another dimension, where I was so close to going before but held back by my navel.  The body stopped me from leaving in spirit.

I'm still there awaiting the chance to search out a chink of light, grasp it with both hands and take it inside, where I hope it burns off the rest of me and leaves a spark of divinity rather than this husk of a thing.

Oh and it seems like I can't get away from unrequited feelings, mine are gone, it's someone else now on me.

I must have given off this little boy lost thing before cos the olduns really dug me, now perhaps I've got a little bastard vibe coming off, which is a shame cos I never felt like one until now.

Light &
Love
Jon
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