Stuff I don't (think I) want - Stuff (I know) I don't need

I don't want holidays, I want journeys to foreign places to meet foreign people and learn new things.  To live where you are working, to build something, a community, to talk to people openly about everything, and not see that as a challenge more of a convenience, not a struggle with egos but an obvious solution to most issues.  To love someone before we're so intimate that it's possible the reason for being so, hasn't already come into play, sex is for making babies first, if it's with someone I don't see myself spending a lot of time with as at least friends first, I can't see myself spending a lot of time with them in the future, no relationship needs to break down in a way that leads to a permanent disconnection.  If it's possible to discuss anything then there's more scope for an agreement to disagree and more areas to meet and create less a compromise, more a way for everyone to get what they need, without all the urgency to have what you want.  Living somewhere attuned to the needs of a healthy human being not an unhealthy human doing the same thing day after day.  I sometimes think it's so hedonistic the way we are living, so selfish, but it's breaking barriers, it's tearing down the frontiers between people. It's creating connections between one and many, between us and them.  Learning how to live the way we enjoy it more and are happier.

The acceptance of anyone, background, lifestyle, whatever...  No picking on someone, no judging, just being.

I've never been as concerned about number one.  I really haven't, I'm usually most happy going along with whatever the majority wants to do, it makes the fact that I'm awful at making decisions so much easier to live with, although I feel like I'm starting to well er 'feel' again what the best thing to do is, rather than having to go on my gut.  I've ripped my heart out and stomped all over it in the last nearly a year, taken myself to the depths of despair and back again, with the help of some special people, but mostly it involved me facing things I would rather have not.  Thinking about mortality, fearing the worst, my wild and vivid imagination released and not tempered by anything, my mind wandering far from the beaten track and into a hinter land of bizarre, self loathing, misery where every day waking up seems like a torture to put yourself through rather than a joy, a gift, something to cherish.  I see dead people, everywhere, they might aswell be, if you're not busy living, you're busy dying...  (I think that's a Bob Dylan lyric).  He's right though.

I did think at times wouldn't it be easier?  Wouldn't this work better, this situation if I wasn't in it?

I still realise and live with many conflicting emotions, taming the psyche, feeling it all settle down finally.

A few things have given me hope for the future so I'm going with that...

Trying desperately to work out what I feel I need from now on.

I'd like to go and work in Nepal, learn massage there and heal.

Teach English too maybe, live a life making a difference.

Come back start something, join something, learn more.

Take things forward for myself for once, I deserve it.

Or I will have earned it, making the right choices.

That's all we do, we consistently choose Yes.

Instead of always uttering No, not right now.

No thankyou, I don't think so, not allowed.

All those excuses we make not to live.

Not me though, not more I hope.

Leaving the tracks, the path.

Back there now with a thought.

Actually less a thought more a memory.

Less a memory, more of a heartfelt experience.

I love the connection, the transcendence of dance.

Hugs from strangers and friends so much love in the air.

Banging tunes, the feeling of togetherness, perhaps it's too much.

Quieter outside, cooler, somewhere inbetween using the spaces well.

So many peoples, everywhere, too dark to see where I'm going though I don't care.

Tired can't struggle on anymore, my legs and everything hurts I need to lie down for a day.

Light &
Love
Jon
x

Anyone experienced in the spiritual arts, crystals, meditation, chanting, singing, mantras, healing, talking about such things, get in touch I want to learn as much as I can and catch up, fill in the gaps in my knowledge, find a new way somewhere else, lots of somewhere else's, lots of trips to far flung climbs and local places ;)

I'm also looking for really ethical work that pays something...  I'd like to live simply and cheaply somewhere (please universe) where I can try out lots of different skills and see if I'm any good at any of them, to take them further, and to make progress step by step.  Make things that are worth the work that went into them.