One Fine Day

So today was a day of contrasts... something ending something beginning...

I had an issue, have had lots of them lately, punishing myself since last year, made the decision to lower myself into a boiling vat of oil and burn off so many things, recently had such scary times, feeling mortality around the corner, asking questions that I should have been looking for answers to a long time ago.

You see for me, for a long time, the world was going to end this year, and in a way even though I had moved on and decided that it wasn't afterall, I still wasn't sure if I wanted it to continue.

I wanted not to be here, I've recently over the last few weeks thought of ways to end it all, hung in a tree (while out on a walk in nature), thought about buying lots of paracetamols (while I was doing the shopping), um the constant reminders of the mental imagery I received back in May I think it was, the year has been a blur because my mind has been frazzled, I don't remember things in sequence or from particular months, weeks, days or hours, just the changing of the clocks from winter time to summer time, the changing of the speed of time from racing to so fucking slow it's untrue.  I never actually contemplated killing myself, just the thought was entertained, not the deed itself as I am way too cowardly and nowhere near the mindset of actually carrying it out, not in the state that people get into where they actually aren't thinking of the impact of those close to them, or even those not so close as in my case.

You see I don't have any friends to speak of, or in the better way of explaining this, I don't reach out, don't get in contact with people, haven't been doing so, have just wanted this whole process to continue, wanted to feel this bad, underlying psychological pain has been my constant companion, as the anxiety has taken over my days and nights, from the sweats to the early waking, not being able to go back to sleeping, to the panicking first thing and the racing thoughts, to the idea that I am evil and should die, to the times I've spent wishing I was dead to escape my brain, because it's been making me crazy and thoughts of whether I am insane making me even madder, not angry just resigned.

Our society, our system, our media, our commentators, the people talking about the crowd in the Olympics use these words...  They're going crazy, it's complete madness here, Wow this is insane...

I feel for anyone going through anything even remotely similar or worse...  The words are misued, our language is wrongly spoken, we create this issue for so many.  It makes you even less likely to forget how you are feeling.

So now that it had taken over even in the times when I am busy, now that I am relaxing around the issue, feeling shy again, becoming myself again, having had so little experience of socialising again, being my loner self again, losing patience with certain people, myself included, then slowly regaining it again.

Wonderful evening, got a message through at the Circle of Light (spiritualist church)...

You see I've been having a problem with spirituality, with religion, with the ideas of god and the devil.

I have been capable of so much in the past and gotten to the point of feeling incapable of anything apart from those things like driving, those things I have to do, hard to get out of bed, hard to get off my ass and do chores, hard to get the energy in the moment, hard to move when it's desired, hard to do something that doesn't involve being there or doing something for someone else.  Lost all faith in my beliefs, lost my anchor...


I'd gotten to the point of wondering what was real of the experiences I've had in the past, discounting most of what occurred between september last year and now, and even asking questions about the ones before that.

I'd pushed myself too far over ragged edges, kept moving forwards not looking back, found self confidence that made listening to others advice almost impossible, gone from one position to the exact opposite, the pendulum swinging so hard from one extreme to the other in a way that I wasn't listening to any of my own advice at all.

Lost my writing, lost my way of thinking, lost the ability to be myself without constant questioning of the status quo within.

Attacking myself all the time, unable to forget things that I shouldn't anyway and now have to carry with me into the future...

Still not sure, all I know is that I must keep moving, must find ways to make a difference, must keep on these good habits I've gotten into, knowing that I still feel like I should be asking for a clean bill of health up top.

Knowing and seeing as if for the first time all my weaknesses, all the reasons why I haven't progressed when I thought I had.

I mean, come on!  No relationships for nearly twenty years except for a mini one over 9 days last October...

Why apart from the odd joke about grandchildren has this not come up before?

Because I'm not as close to the people I should have been discussing this sort of thing with and no-one has ever bothered to ask me...

Although this guy did today?  Asked me if I would like some kids...

I'd like to love someone for a while first

Light &
Love
Jon
x