The one question is "am I sane?"
Once it was brought into being, there really was no looking back or rather there was only ever looking back.
Trying to put the events of my life into context, am I? Was I all this time a bit off?
Have I been well hidden, just riding along without facing up to my own inadequacies?
Yes! I suppose I have, had an internal life that meant I usually just let people think what they liked.
I wouldn't challenge that often, just let them get on with their way of seeing the world and doing things.
I haven't done anything with mine, been too scared of life to get stuck in.
No-one has bothered to get to know me well enough or even asked me why I haven't.
No-one, just the odd question about the usual things.
I'm clever enough to get by, change the subject, humourously.
However my sense of humour often fails, it's failed, has gone.
It's there occasionally I suppose when I can let down my guard.
I guess too it's cos I am on edge all the time, constantly conscious all the time, in the moment, asking myself the questions, asking myself what do I mean by that? What do they mean by that? What does it all mean?
By that, I mean what does it all mean?
Is this really real? You see I've seen reality crack like the shell of an egg, daring it to do so, waiting to see what lay on the other side. Laying on this side, in the dark, in my minds eyes, visionary experience lead me to a place where souls and bodies were intertwined in a very suggestive enterprise, that was either hellish or heavenly depending on your viewpoint, like slavering beasts or lustful ones at that, or just the merging of everyone into a collectively conscious sex party ;)
I've had the notion avail itself to me before that this whole thing is just a fancy way of keeping us occupied, the movies, the t.v. shows, all of it just a nice distraction from what's really going on behind the scenes.
If life is staged play on I say, however I'm not interested in playing this game any longer, maybe that's why when I get so down that I don't want to be here, my health fails.
Or maybe my insistence on behaving in certain ways had led my health down a cul-de-sac, a t-junction, a dead end.
At the moment, I seem to have nerve damage, I seem to have the old stomach pain back again, although I'm far too stubborn to let it affect my mood in the same old ways, or am I?
Not sure, only I'm fairly chipper for someone who thinks this whole place is a joke, and a bad one, a bad yoke, an off egg, a reality with no substance beyond the veneer of nicety that everyone keeps up to each others faces, don't rock the boat, don't shipwreck the cruising passengers, don't look for the treasure in the chest, just keep playing with the shiny toys and keep playing the silly games, to amuse yourselves.
Hmmm, I have such an issue with what to believe at the moment.
You see o hell springs to mind, hello, our greeting, hell - o / o - hell - o
The new age crap is getting mentaller by the day, energy this, healing that...
None of it is getting us anywhere fast, not as quickly as it should, we're being conned.
That's my feeling, that whoever put this sham together would know all the answers, would know our minds.
In which case the good guys who want to let people in on this would always be easily discredited...
Who cares? I don't so much and yet as I heal from the anniversary of a psychotic break, a yelling, getting naked, 8 to ten hour nightmare, where I did not drink in the heat of last summer, but just ranted my way through a series of looping explosions, telling later from what I remembered, how I was god from the start to the end of time, how I was unraveling the knots of the timelines and bringing them into one coherent string, that could be travelled from one end to the other and any point inbetween, how I could see quite easily the rollercoaster that is trying to be empathic, joyful, constantly seeing the change from one state to another, don't feel sorry for me, feel with me, now I smile and you rejoice, let's all be together as one, (hoping some of this is new, coming from deep within, though without a clue of much of that time period,I may be making some of this up now)...
The confidence I had after that led me to my first relationship for nearly twenty years, (sorry, I was dating someone for 9 days or so, and then friends with them, internally unconditionally so, until disappointingly realising and then hating myself for slightly making the same old mistake in a much shorter time period, in that it was infatuation, not unconditional love at all,although to be fair I wasn't terribly hurt, I handled my failure the best I ever have, didn't torture myself with those items, memories the way i would have held onto them and made it harder, and neither did I hide them away to make it easier,so I honestly coped with having loved someone really well, for a short while in my mind anyway)... until someone pointed out the change in me, I thought I was fine, then the downward spiral to this point, in my own personal hell, and seeing nothing but, although again, I'm slowly climbing from the mire, I volunteered for this shit btw (I had the question arise within me, the fact that the newest challenges on the horizon would mean me taking on more responsibility than ever before, I couldn't handle that, so I volunteered to go to hell and back on the condition than if I succeeded I might save some other poor souls in the process and maybe even mine too.) I now see that process as my own internal dialogue with the psychiatric damage and subsesquent battle to remain sane and the truth is it has felt like a hellish year,so rarely interspersed with anything but my own desire to escape, and slowly but surely and finally,other peoples concerns being brought to my mind, others getting a chance to grab at my coat tales, when in one insident, the thought came to mind that I was dragging everyone connected to me down to hell with me... That was a scary night and led to my deciding that all psychedelics weren't a good idea while I battle what I see as a psychosis, I'll let the historians or transpersonal, aliens, fairies, our higher selves, the future transhumans with the technology to do so to look back and retrospectively acuse me of such a diagnosis, even without the benefit of a crime to punish me for, as I'm getting healed by the day,the hope that has been instilled and the final notion that I can't express what I've done for the benefit of myself of course but also because of the impact on others,and it's not a true sense but memories that I have to deal with, and they are as unreliable as my time keeping at times... All this came to me in the year, in the last few months of that year from september '11 to spetember '12,whereas during my experience and the subsequent weeks the following question was asked within me...
Internally in my mind, I was asked the question, "You can be anything, anyone, have any power, what will you be?" I chose I stated, "To be a normal guy!" And I was ish for a while, not scared of the idea of having kids, not scared to ask a beautiful woman for a kiss (and "Can I see you again?" subsequent to dropping her home the next day, after driving back in heaven really...)
I miss those days, although I don't regret them, or the ones inbetween, to climb out of the mire I have had to be completely honest with myself, how much I fucked up, how honesty isn't always the best policy, it is, mind you, but not when it comes to sharing the truth around quite so much... Best to be honourable too and make some good choices... I didn't hurt anyone too badly except myself, but I deserved it, I see whatever happens now as my punishment, the just desserts for the things I did along the way from infancy to the shamadulthood that I am living now...
Now I have to get into the bath, shave to make myself look nice for work tomorrow, try not to think about the scary fucking shadow brought mind images I've been dealing with, the thoughts that recur, the songs that get stuck in my mind, is it anxiety, the issue of a damaged,over used stress, fight or flight response, I always was scared stiff of girls, using the phone, lots of things, leaving school for a bigger one, leaving school for work, but somehow the courage was inside all the time, and if something had to be done, I did it.
Enough for now, maybe this years damage to me, this last years worth of highs and lows, this last song, this last time for me to look at myself and again decide I'm a cunt, that's unfair, but I have been in ways I can't say, so whatever, all I know is I have to persist, have to find some way of working out who the good guys and the bad guys are, is there a heaven? How can I make a difference in someone else's lives for the better?
How can I at least have done something worthwhile before I die?
Is there a new age coming? Is it evil? The product of the god of technology that I don't rate?
Am I being punished for almost knowing what the fuck this place is?
Getting so close that it hurts so I lean backwards and try to see from a safe distance...
rambling now, bath's getting cold, put the chickens in their hutch in the run and jump in the bath and get up and work my socks off, hope the neuropathy won't mean I end up being a diabetic...
Maybe I am already who knows?
Diet, change something.
Light?
and Love?
Jon?
x?
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