Had Chris Rea Tell me there's a heaven and Travis Why does it always rain on me going through my head

So, the jury is out, I haven't made up my mind...

It's been out for a long time, possible years not just the last eleven months.

A medium told me something I had not spoken of, something I had told no-one, and it shocked me.

It made me believe, firstly that I should stop thinking about killing myself, which I wasn't going to anyway.

Then it convinced me that somehow either the medium had read my mind (the most obvious conclusion)...

Or in my case it convinced me that there was life after death, and that was even more complicated now I think about it.  You see I have always had a Buddhist leaning and believed in reincarnation, in fact I've been fairly sure that I've been here before myself.  Certain things seemed to suggest that to me, like the fact that I seemed to know techniques, like the double breathing method, whereby you break up your in and out breaths into two parts.  I knew that as a kid.  I had played with tantric energy as a child, by moving my hands together and apart without touching, until it was clear that there was a force at play in the gap.

I was adept at massage,although I didn't know it until I started to have female friends, and when I met my first girlfriend, and last actually, given that I've been single ever since and celibate for a great deal of the intervening years.  I say celibate, what I mean is I never had to balls to ask the people I was attracted to out, before they became good, close friends.  Anyway I've been through all of this in the past and there's no need for this to turn into a repeat performance of an old monologue, or the telling of a familiar story.

Basically, I started reading some gnostic information, and it tore into my belief system, it tore into the Buddhist, Vedic, you name it information that I took to be the basis of our world religions.  There was a sticking point in the way that it describes a heavenly planetary system somewhere else, and this being a bit of a backwater for learning and trying to escape the cycle of birth and death and re-birth.  For me, that was a problem, as I was getting into the new age style, the shamanic way of looking at the world over the past years.  All these different world views were giving me a seriously difficult set of choices to make.

Which of these ways of viewing this existence makes most sense?  Which and where and why are there so many inconsistencies between them?  After all, as much as Kali (and trust me I believe we are in the Kali Yuga, the time of darkness and strife, an understatement by no small means.) represents, is described as a goddess who can be both your worst enemy and your best friend, depending on how you insist on behaving and I can see how this whole place is such a harsh reality for so many people and seems so unfair.

Is there room for fairness in this place?  Shouldn't we all get along together or is that kind of placid existence reserved for a more heavenly location?  Are these the growing pains, the birth pangs of a new golden age?

Or is this whole place a devilish creation designed to keep us all down, use our truly spiritual nature, our very spirit itself, as a prisoner, an energy source from which to create a sick and twisted future world, with us incarnated (in carne d, in meat bodies, inside human meat sacks)... Body mind and soul the creation of a demi-urge, a half way between us and a loving compassionate fair god somewhere else and unable to come anywhere near this abortion of a universe?  Now you see my predicament because I've become able to believe these things since I've had evidence that a lot of the practises of the worlds traditions have some real bearing and some real efficacy, when it comes to energy work, healing, other stuff too...

The gnostics (in the book I was reading) list the ways in which this hellish place isn't a stop over for us to learn and evolve, but the master plan of a nasty god, a demi-god, a false god, a deceiver, a prison guard, a god from the old testament who chooses sides, who intervenes when it feels like it, and stands back wanting to be adored and worshipped the rest of the time...

I was utterly distraught at the idea that the god of the old testament, with a host of angels (so called if that was the case, but not good ones) on his side, listening in to the hearts of people, knowing their thoughts, could deceive us, could through the disciplines of mediumship make us believe in life after death, could give people comfort when there was none waiting, could lie and cheat and use their intermediaries the psychics, the spiritualist mediums, to fool a growing part of the population, while the rest just goes on about their business, far too engrossed in trying to make ends meet, too busy trying to put poor quality cheap food on their plates, to feed their hunger with the lowest common denominator, the supermarket bought product.

It's a false economy, we are spending less on food and the price is increasing, due to shortages around the world, certain foodstuffs are going to get more expensive.  The products are full of preservatives and water, they are ready made to go straight in the oven or microwave because we don't want to make the time to cook from scratch, we aren't able to afford to live without both partners working, mothers can't raise their kids from home they have to farm them out to childcare, we're selfish and want time to ourselves for our hobbies, I'm a terrible example, getting better, I've seen myself for the lazy idiot I've been, and can still see,even more examples of how I take for granted the place I live in and the people.

I don't have to do much, I haven't had to, except on long walking holidays, when I was living out of a rucksack, but that got old, I missed home, missed my family?  I have to ask myself all of these questions, because again I'm back at square one, shy talking to people I don't know, feeling like I used to, gotten out of certain habits, acting like a child in many ways, you see I have to ask myself was I ever that bothered about other people?  Did I get bored when the conversation stopped being about me?  Have I just learned to ask others how they are, to try to do something about the uncomfortable silences, by asking someone else about them?  My mind would go blank, small talk has always been a bugbear, a difficulty, I find it false, I feel like the veneer on life of asking people about things you don't really care or know about is fake.

Pretending to care, to me it sounds like people are barely managing to come across as genuine, you ask the question but don't really want to know the answer, I learned that to get past the small talk was a necessary part of getting to know someone new, to get to the interesting bits of conversations, of people, you had to dance around the easy stuff, find out by going through the preliminaries, what they were hiding that was worthwhile, you both need to know that it's ok, that you share certain opinions, that you're not going to overstep the mark, that you won't make it obvious that you don't have that much in common, stay on the safe side of the verbal tracks with some people, others you can talk about almost anything.

It's back to love, for me, do I feel it?  Do I feel the love of my family?  I feel love for them, and they for me so yes I do...  Is it unconditional?

So back to the basics of this post...

Is this world Hell?

Is this world the middle world of the shamanic tradition?  With a lower world beneath our feet, possibly in the hollow earth (a whole other ball game / can of worms) and a higher world in the heavens?

Is this place going to hell?  Because I can see a totally Blade Runneresque future in our future.  Corporations taking over from governments, robots that look so convincing even THEY don't know that's what they are ;)

You see the technology, and everyone think it's ahead of what we're allowed to see today, and it's obvious that it has to go in steps not giant leaps, because we can't handle too big a step up, otherwise Microsoft wouldn't have failed to launch the PC version of the Ipad several years ago, voice technology has been on the cards and out there for twenty years or more only now it actually works without a lengthy training procedure, loads of things should be out but they're not, free energy...  Another big can of worms...

You see as much as I've been trying to be positive, after a lifetime of negativity and lots of that period spent smiling to the world and crying myself to sleep (not literally, more snivelling inside and blocking out the pain).

Now I'm actually facing who I am, who others are, not just looking and seeing the good, not avoiding the bad, not having an internal quotient for crapola and shutting down when it became too much.

The fear has risen, within me, almost enough to make me not get out of bed, almost enough to make me feel like I want to curl up in a ball and stay that way until the world goes away forever, I don't want to be here for years and years in the future that I see coming forth, I'm losing hope that there will be a happy ending, I think that's just a myth projected into our brain pans by Hollywood whilst the media sends us into a fear driven cycle by telling us how dangerous the world is and forgetting that it's become so much safer than it ever was before.

It's a massive mess, and my head hurts at times like these, I just think about tomorrow and it makes me sad and wonder if I should bother waking up, I go to sleep and wish that everything would be fixed, that I hadn't learnt so much about the past and worry so much about the future, I wonder if I've made a mess of things so badly that I've drawn to me more of the bad stuff, that I've driven myself down a one way street with a horde of the worst things imaginable coming up behind me, and now it's a dead end street, there's no escape, I'm way too cowardly to get out of the car and face the dangers all around, I'm just not built for this shit.

How do I deal with a new day?  Can I trust this new age movement?  Is it real?

I've felt the energy of tantra again, at Avebury for the solstice, last year when I showed my mum and my sister, when I was in my element and riding high, on a the crest of a wave that crashed and left me here.

The last few weeks, the hope that the messages I have received from the mediumshas kept me going forward, and then suddenly the rug is pulled out from under me again, I start to think that what all the good people I have met are doing is ultimately helping to do a bad thing, helping to bring forth a bad world, that the entities giving the information are not our deceased loved ones, that channeled spirits are not angels but demons, and you see this is all real, the people I have met are serious and have told me such things,  they have a connection, to energies, to personalities, and it's real to them and me, and it's making me crazy...

When I was getting better and better and finally working on myself, I had faced up to my past once and for all, had released so much that I had held inside, was feeling better, was scared from some health issues but dealing with them, so many opinions out there, but it seems to easy to think that we are being played, I have had so few times in my life when I truly trusted, could truly open up, this is one, I'm being honest...

All I can do is keep on keeping on, doing the things I've got on my calendar, trying to improve myself again, I was hoping to sit in circle and connect with my guide, learn healing, provide healing, for that to be my way of making amends for the cowardice I have shown when it came to actually becoming the person I always thought I should be, what was inside me that made me so scared to get out there?  Why do I find it so difficult to just talk to people?  Is it a social phobia or a habit?

I've been feeling so well, lately, getting good nights sleep, jealous of course of the way that others just keep on partying every weekend, staying up late, sleep deprived all the time, jealous of that?  YES, really, jealous of the way that others just carry on in their hedonistic ways, although I managed one season of it and it nearly ended me, so I'm not actually jealous, and only able to enter into a few of these occasions now that I've seen my life for what it really was, and started to only do things when I've got the normal every day things provided for, I lived on the edge before, allowing myself way too much room to wiggle around and left it to others to pick up the pieces when I recklessly carried on, so now I'm far too, I mean far more careful, am making sure I don't overstretch myself, and so many of my failings seem to have been me not the drugs I was doing, I'm accident prone, I can see how difficult I can be to live with, deal with, when I do say my piece it's always in much stronger terms because I put up with so much, I only say something when a situ. has gotten unbearable for me, or I've let things slide for too long without any boundaries, and yes I've always been disappointed when others turn out to have a dark side, or not be exactly like me, and I flit with the wind, changing my mind from one day to the next, I'm fickle, I'm very feminine in my ways, and yet I don't accept others ways so easily, I'm a messy fucker, I'm a lazy fucker, I haven't done anything but fits and starts of good habits and all that time I thought I was making so much progress...

And so now all I can do is relax into this world, because I don't know anymore...

I just don't know, and if someone or something called fate or destiny wants to come knocking so be it.

Destiny will find me cowering behind the door on all fours, hiding...

Fate can take my life as easily as blowing out a candle.

I'm going to keep on going, and see what happens.

I'm again wishing I'd just kept on being almost blissfully ignorant, and at the same time I know that if I have truly been here before, that the whole point is for me to progress not rot, not sit around doing fuck all.

I've got to somehow face whatever it is that's coming with courage and for me, courage is something that comes when I'm tested, Love is something that appears out of nowhere when I'm least expecting it, I daren't keep an eye out for it, I want to, try to be good, in a world that keeps on destroying my efforts, keeps on degrading the chances, keeps of turning my cheek, keeps on making me feel like a fraud, makes me feel like I can't find an ethical way of making a living, like I can't decide whether I love this place and want to stay as long as possible or would really like to get as far away as soon as possible.

I awoke last night, or very early this morning cos it was dark in my room, and I kept opening my eyes to see it slowly get lighter, I couldn't tell you how long I slept, it felt like I was just turning over and over in my bed, unable to get any at all, in the way that I would have done that in the past and not cared, knowing that I'd be knackered this evening and get right off and sleep right through from semi exhaustion, and I've been dropping off quite easily lately by just going to bed early and meditating until I slip off into dreamland, asking for certain help, asking for remembered dreams, for good messages, for good times, for a hopeful future, for a way out.

I want to know why we are here
I want to know who we are
I want to need to know
I need to know
Love
Jon
x
The consequences at this point are trivial...

The end of the world is probably many years off, possibly thousands or millions.

This might just be a peculiar fact of the human race that we do this from time to time.

We might have been doing this all along and no-one wrote it down,this could be the middle ages.

This might still be the time of Christ, The Buddha, this could be the time of the dinosaurs, of knights.

For all we know it's all going on at once and somehow we've gotten lost with the remote, pausing life.

Rewinding live life, fast forwarding live life, some kind of technology that has left us bereft and alone here.

Is this place good, bad, or indifferent?  Are aliens our brothers, demons, or both or neither?

What is the Yeti?  Loch Nessy?  Why so much pain, physical and mental and yet so few of us care?

Is consciousness evolving to the point that we will care or is it part of a heinous plan to overthrow god?

To somehow trick us into thinking we are on our way to heaven, utopia, a magical transformation,when in reality (tchah reality now that's a fucking joke at this point) we're just cogs in someone else's giant disgusting machine like plan to use us like pawns in a game of chess without a stalemate or a victory,just an endgame...

All these thoughts were brought to you by sleep deprivation, a possible mental illness (although I'm quite nice with it) and the joke that I feel like...

I have to go to bed now and see if I can sleep right through and maybe rest the way to the dawn of a new day, slowly getting over the problem of anxiety, and wondering if it's just me, or am I finally opening up to the planets underlying illness after having seen the world through rose tinted specs all these years?

Keep going, for someone else's sake not mine, to pay off debts, to make it to my fortieth the day before, in fact 6 minutes before 12/12/12, ten days before 21/12/12...

I felt a difference, that day the sun eclipsed totally in 2000? or was it 1999?  August 11th 1999...  We couldn't see it, cloudy as usual in fricking england where we stood in the car park at work and I knew I had to get out of office work,I knew a change was in the air, I've spent the last twelve years, thirteen now losing superstitions, gaining insights, losing marbles, gaining memories, going through a cyclic process of backing myself into corners, greater and greater problem arising, greater and greater challenges and each one made me more and more scared, feel less and less worthy of continuing, so if this is a mental version again of that, maybe there's a great new horizon coming, I feel like I've gone through a lot, faced a lot.

I feel like I still don't really deserve things, although the stress makes me ill, I've released things that I held onto inside, I've accessed bravely the resources that others would never dream of, I've done things others would never even consider, I've seen things others don't believe in and I still have to wonder and I've made many many mistakes, and now I have to reconcile all of that and try to work out, whether I've made my bed and should lay in it, or whether I should jump out with a willingness to face a new day with relish or dread the very morning sun...  I've made my peace with some things, I've surely rationalised things I should have felt, but been so closed off, so numb,more than I knew and only now am I retraining my brain to feel, and face emotions...

Again,good night, good evening, good day, good morning,  we'll see,I'll let you know when I do

I feel like I've spoken too soon every time, but I can't help getting it out there, when I should?

I've lost all certainty, all faith,in my own health, in my own capacities, feel like I'm starting all over

this time I have to do things right, even though I'm not sure I can do it alone again, or want to keep putting others faith in me, or mine in them, when I don't know if I'm leading them astray when I've been so easily lead myself, let others blaze the trail, it's all such a mess...

Night x