I'm not short, I've made an effort to be less noisy, I talk too much, have far too many words to say in a short time, so quickly try to get every word out to explain the amount of detail I have to put into my sentences...
In that situation it is often the case that people stop listening... Or I run into the kind of people who don't listen anyway, I'm not sure, although as someone who has always loved people watching and a confirmed student of human behaviour, I can make an educated guess, look for clues, make my mind up whether I'm wasting my breath.
Had a lovely time last night and into this morning, got home and to bed by 4am and had the sound of the Beaufort Hunt Fox Hounds and Horses edging into my consciousness and on awaking a few times when the field, the mass of those on horseback who follow the hounds, went past in en mass I just went back to sleep.
Doing all the things I did before, feeling my body return to a state it was in so many times, as much as I am clumsy, spill things on myself, make silly mistakes I can also feel the confidence returning.
My feet aren't playing me up the way they were, far fewer periods of a burning sensation underneath the toes, it hasn't spread back to the rest of the foot, some pain in there but nothing that would suggest the kind of things I feared were happening. Had a blood glucose test the other week and it came back towards the higher end of the healthy range, a few decimal places below the level that would suggest diabetes, or at least the range that would suggest an issue that could be diagnosed as that, or the development of it.
Turning 40 this year has made me look back so much, clearing the old bloackages has also done that, finding I can and do look back much more than ever before, I can randomly let my mind wander back past periods I'd closed off, past the times when I made mistakes, let opportunities pass me by through cowardice.
Still having periods fraught with self doubt, fears and habits, all sorts of nonsense resurfacing.
Really having some acute periods of mental distress, less so than the constant chronic times.
Slowly gradually the memories are fading of the things that I had ignored or put out of mind.
Not spending hours a day thinking about them , torturing myself, making strange associations.
Also spending so little time actually inspired by the things I read or come into contact with.
So unable or unwilling to actually produce mental test versions of blog entries, no process.
Nothing coming out, so much doubt where before there may have been too much certainty...
Slowly realising where I've been merely projecting my faults onto others, seeing what I wanted.
Now seeing the reality, seeing with true eyes, seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, touching the void.
From within which I was blinded, deaf, dumb, enclosed, shut off from the world for so long.
Now I want to improve myself again, come back to being the person I was again, relax...
Get something done about the pain in my stomach, is it irritable bowel, something else?
Changed my diet recently, eating EVEN more healthily and yet, and yet, I'm getting old.
Isn't it a fact that our bodies start to fail, more and more, gradually our cells don't regenerate the way they once did, life is changing in so many ways for so many people, and not for the better as time moves on.
I notice the changes, they are incremental, or I take my eyes off the ball/s and seeing something for the first time in a few whiles or even years I spot how much has changed.
I don't like the way things are going, have gone. Even in a short period of time away from the roads, I notice how much, and I don't want to use words that suggest mental illness as I think that's just too easy to do, I shall instead say that people are unsafe, are selfish in a dangerous way, they seem to have no patience, are in a rush to die (or get home quickly)...
Everywhere is just too busy, too many people, rushing, flustered, in the supermarket you can't just browse, or take your time, someone will want you out of their way, why are you just stood there? Always a reason why someone else is a problem, making you late, not because you didn't leave with enough time to get there yourself... Oh no, we can't take responsibility for our own actions...
Our own shortcomings, as for mine I know a lot of them. I know I don't like goodbyes, I don't like the fact that I'm not willing to let alcohol make me make stupid decisions.
I didn't do any drugs, apart from a few ciders last night, I breathed in the music, I breathed out my pain, my angst, my euphoria grew and grew and exploded at times, the energy in the room, building, everyone dancing together, as a planet we are coming together more and more of us, in the spirit of celebration of tribal values, a fusion of the oldest and the newest, people sharing more, caring more, and yet in the workaday world less and less of these traditional ways of being and doing things, the general public are not my friend... The people I meet in the right places, times, spaces are for those moments. So easy to talk to strangers, loving the freedom I feel in those periods, to just meet new people, when at times I feel the pressure even to talk to relatives, the people I should know better than I do. I don't keep in touch with them, I don't send birthday cards, I don't think of them often, I'm not sure these days how many of my bad habits are mine and how many are inherited.
Constantly being on your own case is exhausting and that's what I've been going through, the stress of that may be why, well before winter comes and my usual dark times come around again, when I am struggling with the fact that we are not a christian society and yet christmas is a massive let down, merely a reason to buy stuff we can't afford, put ourselves in debt, to get things people don't want or need, I accept that if the gifts are home made, if they are needed, if they are what someone desires in their heart, if they are thoughtfully chosen, if they are actually celebrating the birth of the saviour, when I don't think gods son was born on the 25th of December, it's a winter festival, a pagan thing transformed when Rome went from Multi gods to one god to survive the Christian Revolution that would have swept them away, when this happened and our noticing and marking the changing of the seasons, equinoxes, solstices, the natural way that we made a note to self in the past that the year was passing, that the rhythm of life was transforming the world around us as usual...
Don't know if that paragraph makes sense I just wrote it down, as for all of this and the most recent posts, the way I would do it in the past, was start with a song title, a subject line, something to kick off the process within my mind, with some ideas already in there, having been mulled over, so in a way I am getting back to the way I was, where I would come full circle, where the writing would take over, where my writings would give me so much pleasure on rereading, not because I was putting it out there, just because I was getting it out of me, amused, bemused, seeing the muse in me return, whatever outside of me send me the messages, whatever it is that gives me so much to say when asked a question, when i feel for someone and wish to give them hope, when I try to pass on advice I desperately want to help someone succeed, get through whatever it is they can't see their way round...
My friends are those who have issues that they are willing to share with me, they're the ones whose opinions matter to me, who are willing to listen to mine ;)
Finding how much better I can learn and react to things when I don't assume that someone else's advice is a load of shit, having to really give what others say a chance, learning not to stubbornly decide that I already know what's best, it's because I learn't how often people say what you want to hear, only they don't know that I need to hear the truth, all the time.
I need to know what is really going on, not your opinion, not your perspective, I am far more of a realist than I ever thought I was, and I have to hold back, try not to crush or ruin, or dash others hopes and dreams, whilst also desperately achingly almost suicidally centrally within of the belief that the world should be a fair place, when it's not at all. Only the good die young, or so they say.. Good things happen to the bad, bad things to the good, and everything and where inbetween...
I've lost my love for so many things, the movies for instance, I've let everything I read and learn about this world colour my judgement, after reading one thing I think it's this way, another, another...
I do love films, but in the last few years, that have gone by ridiculously quickly, in a blur really, when I look back or notice how fast, how long ago certain things were it makes me almost sick, have I let things slip that much? Have I just danced and pranced about and let my life pass me by?
What have I been doing all this time?
Why haven't I been present? What did I think would happen?
Watching part of a film I saw not long after it came out, on dvd, my sisters copy I think, The Single Man...
It's made me remember things...
He's going to kill himself because the love of his life is dead, my love for life isn't dead it was dying.
I wanted it over, the passage of time, the pangs and cries of death and rebirth.
I've been here before, I have known things that I must have known from a previous life, I have known things before I learnt them later in my life, there is connection between the past, the present and the future, and if we only believe it, if we are capable of widening our scope of thought to whatever the imagination can comprehend, conceive of...
As tempted as I have been to have a good time, do the things you all do, or the seeming majority...
Not for me, the Shaman said so, I had made myself a promise, maybe more than once..
None of those things that you normals seem to care about... I was an outsider, I felt like one, socialising when I was growing up was difficult because my imagined difficulties, my fears ruled my life, kept me away from situations I didn't think I could cope with, but never tested myself, rarely then, because therein lies the proof that when i try things I'm often fucking brilliant at them, once the pressure is removed, when I see how much others have the same fears,the same difficulties, the same anxieties....
I have received parts of my soul back, as for my interpretation of it, not sure I wanted them back...
Now I'm not as nice as I was, although I'm getting there again, you see I could easily defeat you, destroy you if I felt like it, I often have the thoughts in my mind that would end you, I could easily say them, I sometimes do without thinking, I can cut through the bullshit often, I can see the truth within the lies, I can see the fast tracks, the ways in which we think this world is new, when so called progress has been happening for a long time, the same things we were scared of in the past are the same today, the same now...
Don't let your fear rule your life, I have to face it, every time, the more I do it, the better I get, but it's still there, still making me wonder why I should bother, why I should live, when a setback comes along, I think long and hard, i wonder, I grant myself the time to examine my options, and usually the easy way out is my favourite route to follow.
And so the battle within goes on, between the two wolves of our inner worlds, the one we feed the one that grows in confidence, becomes the alpha of the pack of our own insecurities and personalities inside...
He's desperately lonely, the guy in the film, Colin Firth, and as with all fine actors, he really inhabits the character, he makes you forget that it's him, it's the person he's playing that your captivated by.
I can do that, I find myself bored listening to what people talk about, what they have to say, could you finish quicker please? I'm way ahead of you and I already know what you're going to say and if I'm wrong it's the only reason I can see for giving you the time.
Please just shut the fuck up or notice how stupid it is that we have to do this dance, aren't you bored by the stuff I come out with? I notice how often, the intonation in your voice, the little expressions on your face, lots of signs and signals abound that can tell me what you don't want me to know, precisely what I do, exactly what I need to, I have to apologise if I think I've done wrong, I have to explain, get my thoughts down on paper to the people that matter, wonder why others can do things I can't seem to, why I can do things they can't...
As familiar as I am to myself right now, as so much of the way I feel these days is reminiscent, I can also see the ways in which things are different. I can tell which bits are damage,which bits unecessary, which parts I need to work on, which to let go of, which I will transform, which I need to ignore...
I've accepted my shadow, it's a part of me that thinks of things I don't, it's a part that makes assumptions I wont, to do so is hard, getting easier, and I can only keep going as I am sure that one day, areas of my inner world will come back to me, my psychic sense, the capability to visualise in my inner eye, my mental world...
I am retraining the part that panics, and to be truthful I'm nowhere near as scared all the time that I was...
Or as numb, or as cheerful, I don't smile as much, don't laugh as much.
That could be the weed I'm not smoking, could be the lack of socialisation as i don't have regular times in or out with friends, as drinking is making me so tired of over indulgence... Seeing that in others, do they really enjoy talking bollox, losing any sense of perspective, doing stupid things they'll regret? That old assertion that I should probably do more, regret more, and yet NO FUCK IT I don't want to join in that way...
Eye contact is a pain in the ass, i struggled with becoming conscious in the moment during my youth, of my own breathing even, of eye contact, how much, how much is too much, how much enough?
I've mentioned this before, possibly on the 'live blog app' that disappeared if not in this incarnation of the blogosphere that I have joined, I am sure that the fractal nature of nature, the holographic blah, blah this theory that theory of the universe, cosmos, existence, I haven't gone to such lengths that I expect to end up in a terrible place when I die, although some severe punishment might not go amiss and who knows?
Maybe now that I'm in the process of accepting how much I've denied in the past, maybe just maybe.
Well before I digress, it's the nuances, the underlying stuff, what goes unsaid too much of the time.
The things that it takes many hours if not weeks, months years to get to...
The things that split people up after a long relationship, or the things that don't come up until you've spent a lot of time getting to know someone, the things that aren't mentioned in polite conversation, you need to get past the subterfuge,the small talk to open up, testing each other, are they,will they,won't they, how much, how little, what next? Do I dare? Whatever will they think of me?
All just dancing around, testing defences, opportunities to change your mind, go in a different direction, lead somewhere, take a road somewhere else...
It's been emotional, I have cried a lot in the past when the emotion was there to be expressed, but I've cried a lot more in the last 8 months or so, much more in the last few several weeks...
Patience, how can I do all the things I want to?
How can I lose control, how can I accept the stress and pressure of so many possibilities?
There are many things, going on at once, so many friends, so many acquaintances, possible experiences.
I should have gotten past the 'enjoying this conversation' stage and past the 'oh fuck I think no, I know I'm attracted to this person, and I think they might like me too' stage to doing something about that, without getting too far into the future, without working out that it will end terribly, they'll want sex and I need to take things slow. They'll want something I won't and I'm just not great at expressing what I need in the moment, or am I? So unsure of myself, so little practise at living in the real world, far too much experiencing things in my mind instead where it isn't real, just fantasy, just my imagination running wild, wishing isn't getting.
Many times I've dreamt of things, now my spelling is losing its way surely, is dreamt ok or is it this darned american english spell checker,fuck you capitalisation, fuck you punctuation, fuck you the niceties of polite conversation, the ways in which people dance around saying what they really mean,using language to subvert, to withdraw, to rearrange things to their liking, so that they can live more easily with their own version of events, their own picture of this life, their perspective through the looking glass.
I've hung around with people more crippled than myself, birds of a feather, fucking mentalists together, ex friends, when they grow up I don't fit in anymore, when they get boring I move on, when they don't realise that I can't keep on making the same mistakes that they are living anymore, when I lose my patience with the ways in which they don't want to change and I must, or vices versas...
Can't work out why that whole paragraph has been red-underlined, what did I do wrong?
I made mistakes, I haven't murdered anything,constantly asking myself questions.
Finding the t.v. the other things I've given up as a bad job, the old habits, the smoking, the lack of spirituality, the lack of evidence, the lack of truth, the lack of an achor of my own any more, the lack of the sense I had that I had a handle on this stuff up until recently, I know I had to go back before I could go on, I had to work on clearing the past from the back burner, I had to experience things I'd put off, I had to go back to the drawing board, had to see my own versions of old software, my own outdated hardwired programs, my own fractured mind, for what they really are, for who I really am, and in that gap, that interminable space in time of the last year,I have seen. I've seen the darkness and the light, blindingly at first, at the outset on this disastrous voyage of selfishness discoveries, asking was any of it for the good of all or just me?
And so here I am, beset on all sides by the inequities of something and the tyranny of evil men?
Not sure, I've let it go, I've decided that not all of the bad is bad, the good good.
No-one is all good or all bad, there is good there and bad there and everything inbbetwixt-tween ...
I'm sorry but anyone can get and have sex by lying to themselves or to whoever you want.
I need to make love, I saw it as a cure, I saw it as the cure and that was a lie too.
Rather than accept the truths that I tell you, it's easier to get defensive..
I'm sorry for that, I don't want to hurt you, cruel to be kind is better.
I'm trying to be honest, more honest than ever before.
I've been capable of accepting the truth about me.
And making a change, when it's the end, it is.
No arguments, don't try to make me stay.
I like to know, tell me, I appreciate it.
Always a sweet tooth, for candour.
And terrible puns..
Light &
Love
Jon
x
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