Mental Dental Health

Erm yeah so it's been a funny few months to say the least, actually not very funny at all, distressing, awfully scary, at one point when I was coming off sleeping pills I had been offered and accepted, I didn't realise I should wean myself off them, I just stopped when they ran out, so called rebound insomnia caused me to have a complete night of no sleep, not a problem in the past few years really, I've gone whole weekends with very little sleep, as I've always struggled to get off in strange environments, in strange places, away from home, I often only get off to sleep when exhausted, and even then awake early in the morning.  So yes, this particular evening about six weeks ago I would say, lasted until the morning and during this long dark night, I experienced something very strange indeed.  I got to the early hours of the next morning and in my conciousness had a conversation, not with anyone in particular, with a part of myself I could perhaps describe it as, it went along the lines of, "You are going to hell and there you shall be raped in the ass and various other absolutely heinous things that you can think of are going to happen"...  I didn't actually ask who I was hearing from, I just assumed whilst I lay there tossing and turning and uncomfortably taking the verbal punishment, curling up in a ball, wondering whether I would ever feel happy again in my life.

That was the worst single night, experience of this whole period.  I recognised other aspects of whatever has been going on though, like the conciousness that comes into every second of my waking life, when out and about, almost every step might become an issue, on the ground, the bare earth, the grass, in countryside habitat, the fact that every step brings death and destruction to the animals and plant life below but also creates food and opportunities for the other creatures.

It's a bit like being god, but feeling like the devil, feeling interconnected with all life and yet not being all that bothered if it ended right there and then, feeling like the future can go fuck itself.

Now I'm hoping to get a job and get back out into the world, get back on the road, get saving.

I want to face the future, invest in my health and well being, volunteer, find good things to do.

This is a very weird place, live and die, wake each day to the same challenges to eat to live.

Oh and I've got a dentist appointment coming up, snapping back to reality, waking daily.