Suspending Disbelief - Benefit of the doubt

Suspending Disbelief

If you couldn't suspend your disbelief you could never get into a work of fiction, really get into a story that you know isn't true, or watch a t.v. programme or film and forget that the actors are playing a part.  My Gran used to say that she didn't like Star Trek 'because it's too far fetched' which is actually quite a funny thing to say because it is precisely for that reason that it's worth watching.

Its science fiction, it takes like all fiction does, what we already know or think we do and stretches it out into the realms of imagination and fantasy, giving us a picture of the downright depressing or utterly fantastic ways in which the future might hold great things for us all, terrible possibly but great.

The word great has come to mean good, but it doesn't mean that at all, the word great means large.

How are you?  I'm great, would be a reasonable reply, but that is a mistake, an error in the use of language.  I'm picky, pedantic, I notice mistakes, errors, I proof read everything I read, I notice it when something isn't spelled correctly, when the grammar isn't right, when it doesn't read true.

I do that to reality, I've had reality speak to me, tell me that films, t.v. are all distractions.  Admittedly that was during an experience where my conciousness was being perturbed by natural resources, in this case Psilocybin Mushrooms, picked by me in a responsible way, used in a ritual way, prepared physically, and spiritually, a sacrament, a god giver, I asked the questions, I got the answers.

Inconvenient truths in many cases, I mean to be told that everything I loved like Star Trek was just a distraction from a true reality underlying the one we think we live in, in the here and now?

Was quite disturbing to have that come through as a message from who knows where, from within my own self even, whether there is a god we can speak to I don't know, is it a part of us?  In us?

I gave so much the benefit of the doubt, myself included and I'm being incredibly hard on myself now, not giving myself any wiggle room because I know I will use it to evade what I need to do.

I'm being brutally honest, and in the moment, concious as much as I can be of the stories I tell me.

Of the ways in which I was dishonest in the fictions within my world view and it's fucking painful.

Painful to mourn the loss of the tales I was telling myself, of the theories I had held to be coming true.  I don't know what the future holds, but I can only hope upon hope and continue to do so, that all of this is for a good reason, a great reason and I mean the world as a whole now, this tale being told.

This story, this fictional account of the globe falling through space, the life giving sun, the death mask of the man in the moon, you see in many ways as the television, fictional world of the cinema, of the stage becomes more so, seems less real, as this whole place seems like a caricature of itself, as myself included seems like a character I was playing and god knows I was playing doctor who, I was playing Luke Skywalker, I was associating myself with their roles, their ways of being, mannerisms.

I feel like Walter White now, was toying with shaving my head, Breaking Bad is good but not great.

I can see so many ways that it could have been so much better, but then it too is a caricature of itself.

It's not meant to be real life, which in many ways is so much more beautiful and so much more ugly.

That's what I've been dealing with, having lived my life, glossing over the ugly parts of me and focussing on the beautiful, on the transient aspects, on making the most of the last few years has taught me, I lived in the now, I didn't worry as much as I have done over the last few months, I'm not as stressed as I have been because I realise that wasn't helping but also because I've moved on, am moving on, taking this life seriously because it's the only one I have and when it's gone it's gone.

At the same time though I have to realise that sooner or later I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and finally give myself a break, stop being so hard on myself, but I know what I'm like.

The moment I've been waiting for is still out there, on the tip of my tongue for years, just around the corner, I'm writing this straight from the brain to the finger, not thinking, so let's see what comes out, as usual it's a stream of thoughts, not thunk before, just arising as my digits tap the keys, will it have a circular reasoning, come full cycle, back to the start?  Isn't that what we're all doing in the end?

Birth Death the bit inbetween is called life and that's for living...  Thanks Dave Lister :) xxxxx

I was connected and not all of the stuff I came out with was nonsense, some of it was true.

So I am going to do my best to concentrate on paying off the three grand I owe, getting into a situation where I can support myself better than I ever have before, it doesn't matter to me if I'm not having a good time, out and about in the world, as long as I'm finally being responsible, I need this.

2017 though, by then I felt we would all know, that in some way great changes would have occurred.

For good or for bad, I hope that is true, maybe all those who suffer as I did feel that, feel close to something that is a long way off, maybe that is what the perturbation of conciousness is about.

Connecting to something out of time, I mean as a species we nearly are here, this planet is ruined.

Technology is ruining us and yet it could help save us, if the will of the many outways the few.

If we could all realise that things and money aren't the answer, if we can grow up and out of the ways in which we feel disconnected from each other, as though we need our own selfish ways to survive.

I would like to think that if I ever came into lots of money I would still live humbly and use it to help others, share and share alike, I have done that in my charitable work, Lendwithcare.org check it out.

So in conclusion because I've rambled as usual, may you be alive at the end of the world.

That's an Irish saying, and there's something to it, because I feel that is where we are.

Look around or would you rather watch t.v. medicate legally or otherwise, ignore?

I've felt the pain of the Haitians and cried my eyes out, felt a kick in the stomach.

Hurt others emotionally, because I was mental and out of my depth and scared.

I'm still scared but only of never being so physically vital again, of dying.

Slowly from this day forwards but that's the truth of it, that's what we do.

We live every day as if it was our last because it might be, die each day.

A little, every breath we take keeps us going but also uses up heartbeats.

We only have so many, I would like to use them all up before my mind goes.

Again ;)  I've probably gone on long after I should have wrapped this up but hey it's my thing.

You do yours, I'm sure you will, I dreamed big, had them turn into nightmares, now less so.

Off out to mow all the grass, do my bit, go cycling later, for the fun of it. Smiling more.