Hardly Seems Worth Mentioning

Hardly Seems Worth Mentioning

That I woke up with a fully formed blog entry ready to go, or at least with an idea there ready to be worked on, expanded upon, but now it's gone, like a dream that fades once you are awake, so it's hardly worth mentioning that there were a few subjects I wanted to touch on, from ideas to talk about it has gone to words that were to jog my memory so that I could write the rest, diagnosis, prognosis, something beginning with t, or maybe j, fading fast, who knows what it was now, it seemed quite important, seemed as though it would make a lot of sense, perhaps it will come back to me later.

So I'm off out to look for work, in the local area, off to cycle around the shops and post offices to see what's on the local notice boards, hoping to find something local that I can cycle or walk to, so that I  can get my head above water without involving others, without needing lifts to and from until I can save up to get a vehicle and re-entrap myself in the system of insurance, m.o.t., tax, fuel, car, working to pay to run a car so that I can get to work to earn the money to run a car so that I can get to work.

That old chestnut, oh dear, everything that I was hoping to avoid, to get myself away from once and for all, but like most of my dreams and fantasies of the past few years unrealistic given that I want to be around to do the chores at my folks' house, the mowing that needs to be done, I can't just up and leave them to it all, although I never did all that much apart from that in the past, and now I see how ungrateful I have been, with what bad grace I do what must be done, how lazy I am in truth seen.

Looking for an escape, a beautiful way out, to live somewhere in community, where we all muck in, do our fair share, live an idyllic lifestyle in the countryside somewhere, away from the car / work / car system, but even the people I know who live a certain way don't do that, this would involve finding somewhere else, some other people, I know that in the past I was drawn to places like Avebury for the summer solstice, having visited there as a child on a school trip, going back there, often on my own at first and then with a friend, more recently on my own again as the weather put him off or the timing of the days doesn't work out for his calendar, I was always going to places on my own, looking for kindred spirits to connect with, looking to meet people of a like mind.

Inside I had this naive but nonetheless magical perspective, it coloured every day in like a book, I took what others said with a pinch of salt or humoured them as I believed that I knew what was really going on behind the scenes, behind the daily grind, I felt things were moving in a certain direction.  I've seen things that I can't explain, or couldn't until it actually occurred to me that maybe I was seeing things ;)  But I'm not seeing things now, the clouds whilst pretty are serene not surreal.

I'm starting over from scratch, charging my phone, feeling alone, off to look for chances to take, feeling very sane indeed which means there's so much less magic in the air and in the world and in my life, just mundane days, chores, going to go to the solstice this year alone again, my first outing this year really, I haven't been anywhere since January, I'll stay out that friday night to greet the dawn.

I keep checking the online maps, the photos, the from the road perspectives of places I've been before, it literally takes me back to those days in 09 and 10 when I was abroad on my own, in the company of people from all over the world, walking across a foreign land exploring within the confines of the yellow arrowed road, the starry way, el camino de santiago, the via la plata.

Seeing the bus station in Zafra where Meghan and I got dropped off, the Hotel Carmen where we checked out checking in but thought better of it despite her ill health and traipsed on to find an albergue where we could rest with lots of our other friends, before going off to find the hospital, my standard habit of finding an internet cafe or place where I could upload my photos and on this occasion skype home for the first time in my life, video chat with my sister and mum and dad.

I never was a reminiscer I know that's not a word, but I didn't look back much before, now I see those times as the best of my life that will never be bettered, in some ways I see them as times that I must be so grateful for because I will never have such times again, as if the best days of my life are behind me and that's a sorry tale to tell, but it feels true, as much as I'm trying to look forward with hope.

I would almost like to revisit the Via la Plata and go to that Roman Spa again, having seen it from the outside on google maps, as if I was standing there again, as if I had walked into that village again, right now, took me so vividly back to getting a massage and a soak in the lovely pools to the sound of old musical instruments, feeling like I was back in time to the days of yore, a harp like sound, tiled room, wonderful garden, oh my gosh what a feeling leaving that place so relaxed, only to make camp outside the village right next to an industrial site that was lit at night, that made the frogs of the pond and the birds of the trees sing aright through to the next day, keeping me awake along with the insect bites and the feeling that I'd wasted my beautiful retreat of the previous afternoons lazy lounging.

Ups and downs, the hardest thing I've ever done is walk 500 miles on my first solo trip abroad but it's the best thing I've ever done too, I came back with so much confidence in my own goodness, my self.

I proved that there was still the milk of human kindness in the world, from others, from me to them.

I proved from what I was told, that I was a good person, started to believe compliments, take them.

SO I don't know what I would have written about had I remembered whatever it was, maybe it will come back to me at some point, as usual I've ended up going on about Spain ;) AGAIN hahaha x

Oh well in my life there are standout moments and those five weeks or so stand out and up as the best I have ever experienced, and until I do something anywhere near as valid again they always will do.

They were real experiences, I didn't let my imagination or expectations get away with me, because I was in the moment constantly, carried away on the wind, on the trail, a living fact, a human living.

Love
Jon
x