Being stood on the shoulders by giants

Has the sense that as hard as I try in the environment I am in to transform the way things are done, that there's just too much resistance for me to deal with. It seems so hard to make any headway. Whether it's because I'm holding out for something better than I've had before, something that fits me and the world I'd like to see more. I don't know but it feels soul destroying to have to keep finding ways of living that revolve around making other people rich. I don't want to be and the way I work and live doesn't suit the idea of me having lots of money. Enough would be enough. I'm trying to create something old and new, taking the best of both worlds and creating something vibrant. In a place that hasn't changed appreciably in a very long time.

Swhy I keep coming back to the idea of just giving up and getting the heck outta here.

And then little by little there are signs, in the people, in the area.

Just enough to keep me hoping... and then

I have to get a regular job and stick with it all summer to the detriment of my own fledgling plans and another year will have gone by without any of the improvements I want to make.

It's so hard to try when everything in my past tells me not to.
Every time I've made an effort, it fell flat, or blew up in my face.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Harder and harder still.

Like I'm out of time, not run out but been sent back here.
Always singing the next line of the song before this one is out.

A friend of mine and I have come up with all sorts of things before they came out.

The digital photo frame to name one. Although our idea went on so that it was waterproofed with a radio for use in the bathroom ;)

When I'm with really inspiring people there's no end to the ideas that flow...

and then I have to try to create them in the so called realworld.

And that sucks balls.

Fair play to anyone with the tenacity to keep going, keep trying.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

Spiritually Speaking

As hard as I've worked and searched for answers to my own questions like :-

What is the meaning of life?
Why are we here?
Who are we?

There really are some quite easy ways to start to answer these questions...

I've been to some interesting psychological landscapes within my own mind but I didn't have to.

I wanted to. I yearn to understand, perhaps a little more than most other people do.

Partly because I've always had the sneaking suspicion that I was supposed to.

What I've found is that there are a lot of conflicting opinions out there.

So many that it can become confusing and at times frustrating.

The simple answer is that two methods I have found work.

Chanting the Hare Krishna Maha Mantra and Magic Mushrooms (Psilocybin)

I chanted the mantra for the waking hours of seven days straight, went to dinner, met some new friends (whilst on the first week of a spiritual pilgrimage in Spain), drank half a bottle of red wine, went to bed.

I was then awoken at two-ish in the morning, not wanting a piss ;) but with a strange and very comforting experience unfolding. A voice said you are nothing special but you ARE unique. I wasn't hearing it in my ears but in my head. Now you might say that was a sign of madness, hearing voices woo woo. But I had asked for this, I had worked hard, although to be honest I'd just given up smoking so the chanting really took my mind off the cravings and any nervousness I would have felt about setting off to a foreign country on my own for the first time.

I can't remember the specific details but I got the feeling that I was being thanked for trying.

It was like I was being told to calm down because I was neither the most important thing in creation or the least. Almost like a levelling effect, if you think you're all that then you're not and if you think you're nothing then you're not that either... Don't be too hard on yourself. You are going to spend your life in service to others. Didn't sound too bad, and in fact everything I've ever done has revolved around sorting out problems for others or the environment. So that was pretty bizarre, in fact it coloured the rest of my journey as I kind of felt cheated that it had happened for me so soon and wanted more, only I wasn't prepared to chant from then on. I was meeting too many wonderful people and spending my days working through all sorts of shit from my past and making new friends and just being and feeling better and better, instead of constantly wondering if I was worthwhile.

The Mushroom journeys, I undertook after spending a long time researching the subject.

An enterprise and its continuing voyage to go where many women and men have gone before ;)

I didn't enter into that process lightly, or for fun. I wanted to see if they were as strong a medecine as I'd been lead to believe. Another great leveller, as someone who has always had doubts about my own worth, it really gave me more confidence and there were periods of a few minutes to a few hours where I cried and cried (which sounds a lot but in a lifetime two to four hours in total is not that much really). Not hysterically or even sobbing uncontrollably, just really crying out everything I was holding on to, tears streaming down my face and an overwhelming feeling of release and relief from angst. I have been healed to a great extent since then and have lost weight, receieved lots of wonderful experiences and also know that it's all a journey, that there is work to be done there. And lots of fun too because done in the right way it can open your eyes to things you've never seen before, make you laugh, enjoy other peoples company and lose your inhibitions. I've spent long periods of my life alone, growing up as a child, through school and being deserted by friends to the attentions of bullies, made me very untrusting and sceptical about the worth of being around other people. I don't feel that way anymore at all, although I do still value my own space...

Then I spiked myself at a festival and lost 8-9 hours ;( Of those I only have vague memories totalling somewhere between a few seconds and barely a few minutes. I had eaten some hash cake earlier that morning and then took a synthetic psychedelic. They ramped up the effects of both, basically sent me flying off into the who knows where. The last thing I remember is dancing in the middle of the day, the next was waking up in a tent at night. I'd been cared for by a good new friend and some very nice people who specialise in these sorts of things. If they hadn't been there I can imagine that I would have been sent to hospital and probably sedated.

That's what we do to people who are ranting and raving. We see them as mad and medicate them so that they can't hurt themselves or anyone else. However the truth is that if you let the process that is underway, continue to its natural conclusion, with love and tenderness, it resolves itself more often than not. The worse the situation, the longer it takes...

I say that if we let the people we call insane, talk themselves out of it, they'd all be fine.

To make our lives easier what we do is turn them into drugged up zombies who are never allowed to express any of the things that makes us consider them out of the ordinary.

Or as we like to say about a fart round these parts... "Better out than in"
my old boss used to say, "Better an empty house than a bad tenant".

Those days are long gone. I haven't and I don't intend to get into that state again. Although to be fair I was silly enough recently to think that I could go from being pretty down at the time and somehow improve that situation by taking LSD. I wanted to 'get out of it'. Get out of my own bloody way, lose myself which is why we tend to want to get off our faces in the first place. It would have made much more sense for me to just deal with my own shit, rather than expect a strong medecine like that to improve my mood. Mood, setup and setting are very important. Outside influences even without meaning to can make things a lot worse. I made another mistake that I paid for that night and for the next few weeks of recrimination. It was psychologically stressful then and afterwards and put a whole different slant on what I was going through, in fact I'm fairly sure it made the last few weeks worse than necessary. However, having come out the other side, I've learnt much more than I would have done, just stupidly and a harder way than I needed to. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment, learning lessons as soon as possible rather than letting things drag on. It's a balancing act, it takes practise to know and trust yourself in those situations. I fucked up a little bit and it didn't help that I was experiencing a period of losing faith in myself over the course of the last few months anyway.

It had been my honour to spend two hours plus at a previous summer festival, talking down another psychonaut with my friends help. He was under the impression that the DJ was telling him to do things and was frankly very annoying. The first few times he came over to where we were sitting down on the grass, I just wanted him to go away in fact. Then the instinct came into my mind that I needed to intervene, this was a test. My friend supported him and cradled and stroked his head, while I held his hand and spoke to him about normal things, asked him his name, where he was from, until he gradually calmed to the point of wanting to go back to his friends. That occasion it was an LSD trip he was on (the stuff around these days is really very strong) and I would describe his demeanor and state as a psychotic break. Transpired that he had quit his office job and was retraining as a psychiactric nurse, what an irony.

I will continue to prescribe myself mushrooms as medecine. The positive effects on mood last for up to 8 months or so according to clinical trials happening around the world. I have to wait until the autumn growing season comes round again anyway as I failed to secure enough last year for the winter, spring and summer of this year.

What I discovered overall after my accidental rocket up the arse at a festival, as I slowly came down from what I later described as "the best thing that has ever happened to me" is that it doesn't take drugs to get where we want to go but it can help. However I never want to lose control like that again, to put someone else in the position of having to look after me. On a smaller scale I'd say I've got to the same conclusion where every intoxicant is concerned. I don't like getting drunk, mainly because for me it was always a dangerous tight rope walk between pissed enough to lose my inhibitions and have fun and a blackout leaving me unable to remember wtf went on the night before. Often leading to all sorts of lesser and greater embarrasment, possible injury or death of myself and others or just a bad feeling that lingers because you have no clue what you've been up to. I like to remember what I've been doing. I like to make my own choices, not those of the drug that is influencing me.

Some experiences do require that you put your trust in someone else. For those times you need to find a person/persons that you can rely on, who has had experiences like the one you are about to attempt, in a safe environment, where the outside influences are only going to be good, where no-one will be tempted to take advantage of your state of mind and where you know beforehand that you will be looked after with love and care. That is what I provide.

I've written about all this stuff before but it's been very clear in my mind lately as I worked my way down from an experience that lead me to believe that we are all part of something greater back to feeling like a regular Joe Bloggs, if admittedly with some of those latent talents I'd always assumed everyone has, remaining switched on and the undoubted sense that it is necessary for everyone to come to the understanding that these experiences are our heritage our responsibility, our goal. One way or the other we're all headed to the same destination, whatever route we choose to take.

I am as normal as any of you are, that is what you need to realise.
If there's something wrong with me then it's wrong with you too.
Holding on to the idea that this is all there is, is a very bad joke.

We're more than meets the eye or we've been lead to believe.

If you wanna have a good time drug responsibly ;)

If you want to know more do it the right way.

Luckily for me I'm a hard head with
a soft loving heart to cope...

Find peace of Mind
Body, Spirit & Soul
Love &
Light
Jon
x

Judging Others Condemns Yourself

Despite the fact that I've been unemployed for two months and suffering with old ways of seeing and dealing with the world I can take lots of positives from this period. It's given me the time to really face up to lots of things, I've been staying up late and often sleeping well into the day and sometimes for up to twelve hours. I'd wake up and think, hmmm I could sleep for a few more sod it. Several different issues have reared their ugly heads all at once so it became quite a struggle to work out which to sort out first. In the long run, I can see that I needed this time, however frustrating it has been to seemingly just follow old patterns, to actually find a way through them and maybe even once and for all ;)

Whilst I've been trying to get over someone, I've also had the very new problem of someone else having feelings for me that I couldn't return and at the same time a very real personal spiritual crisis. Watching a long video lead me to see the entirety of the last several thousand years in a completely different light, I am drawn to things and people that can help me to understand. I started to doubt everyone and everything and at one point I felt like I was on to something, almost immediately I also had the suspicion that I was starting to lose my grip on reality. Maybe I was just losing something that doesn't serve me whilst fearing what would be left behind afterwards. I know I didn't go too far, just too fast, but I enjoy a difficult challenge.

So I pulled back from the brink, holding on to anyone or anything too tightly just makes it slip from your fingers. I got the distinct feeling of fear wash over me, and as much as I have embraced that in the past I made the decision not to go there this time. Also I began rereading books that I haven't read for several years, partly out of boredom as I really dont have anything else worthwhile to do. I've taken in lots of different sources of information and gleaned whatever I needed from them all. I use my own intuition and instincts to decide what feels right and let everything else drop away.

As much as there are plenty of good things to learn from the past, both in my own life and in the lives and works of others, I have the distinct impression that what has come before was just what was needed at the time. I don't hold much love for any of the religions traditions, only the spiritual ones that speak of love for your fellow human beings and the whole of creation.

For me equality is a very important standard. I don't see differences between the two sexes.

I also think it is very important for any group to only travel at the pace of its slowest member.

Right now the contemplation of the last few weeks has lead me back to what I feel not what I think. Stuff the different messages coming out of the various sources, lots of religious dogma contradicts itself. One way says this is good and that is bad and others say something quite different but similar. It's all very confusing.

I had also been coming to a point of really believing in good as a force in the world and that lead unsurprisingly to at least the idea that bad maybe also in evidence and I feared that was true.

All I know is that we all have choices and potential.

Our potential is our starting point and then each decision leads us down a different road.

Some people choose the bad and that sets a pattern for the rest of their lives.
Some choose the good and that sets them off on a completely different path.

We all make mistakes but learning from them now is much better than repeatedly making them in more and more extreme ways until they can become unbearable.

The idea is to never become too comfortable otherwise we're set in our ways.

We all love to create habits but they soon become ruts.

Taking things and people for granted.

Using them.

I have to agree with a lot of things people have said to me, at the same time it was all coming from their point of view. In my mind I have a journey to go on at my own pace.

So right as they may have been, I was right too, to take things slowly, to let things work themselves out, stop trying to force the situation.

People in my life have had issues, old friends, current friends, new friends.

As much as I tried to resolve these things, in the end they did it for themselves.

I kept inside a wish for their problems to be resolved and looked into ways to help.

As long as I don't get stuck thinking certain things, they seem to find their own way.

It's been a long downward spiralling from a feeling of such sweet joy
To returning to who I used to be and I'm not happy about it
But I've managed not to fuck up too massively
Learn from experience
Love &
Light
Jon
x

What women want - I was a shit

what women want - Nope giving them what they need instead

been the person I was for a while and I was a shit indeed yes

willing to make mistakes, recognise them, learn from them

knitting pattern recognition, a golden fleece takes shape

WWW - Who knows? Sorry had to get that in there first and hopefully make up for it now...
If I had to guess, and it would be a fairly well educated one, what women want is none of our concern. What they need however has always been clear to me and it's to spend time with people they can trust, respect and learn to love. Someone they can rely on, communicate with and confide in, be themselves without worrying with...

All the women I've loved have been some of the best people in the world. Whether they were role models when I was growing up, pals of mine, really good friends or someone I thought could be more, all of them are so generous with their time, so patient and loving with their families and close friends and what's more, daft enough to have been one to me.

-

It's been tough to come face to face with who I used to be and I guess that's what has happened. My perspective had reverted so that I was constantly peering through the looking glass rather than giving myself many years good luck all over again, by breaking it into innumerable pieces and finally having no viewpoint but that of an observer with a wide open mind, keen to see something new, something good again please ;)

That old me like my shadow is there like everything I'm not proud of, as a reminder of sufficient strength to prevent me from driving drunk and crashing another car or whatever. So instead of trying to blot that shit out, I work with it, use it as ammunition. The great thing is that by not hiding from those grayscale days, afterwards they're even more faded and forgotten than ever before and the colour comes back all the more vividly into my life.

Anxiety about preparations or the journey through town, navigating to the car park, from there to the pub, who will be there, what do I say? I've learned how to deal with shyness in social situations and it isn't several large tequillas (anymore ;)

So calm because I know that I can cope.
Be myself don't stay away don't mope.
Breathing slow and deep is my dope.

-

A lot of things changed throughout the last year but the ones that have stuck are that I :-

Don't like porn anymore
Prefer real women
Miss hugs

-

The World today seems like a giant stinking playroom with everyones toys all over the place and Mother beginning to lose her temper with all the children. Watch out you don't get a spanking.

At the same time as all the shit things are going on, there are loads of incredibly exciting good things happening too, I'm just focussing on them and i'll let the t.v. tell its stories. The ones I'm getting are encouraging tales of a gradual but accelerating regeneration that will eventually sweep the planet, these are just the first signs of this yearlong spring clean, the first flowers will be blooming and summer will be here soon after.

Listen to your Mother, she needs you to.

Commune with Nature.

Hear her call.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

Well Well Well Three Holes in the Ground...

Been outthere inthere outhere and inhere and finally decided that it's all way too much like hard work. All I know for certain-ish is that if I keep on being good, resisting the temptation to behave badly and just try my best, that will have to be enough. The thought of either just doing everything that I know not to be right or going to the other extreme and trying to be a massive goody goody just doesn't seem worth it.

I have found the magical experiences of the last year and to a lesser extent those of the past three to four years including synchronicities whilst away travelling, up to and including all the weird things that have happened over the course of my life all add up to merely a choice within each of us.

Made mine a long time ago and wasn't very disciplined, in fact the only reason I was able to make a decision at all was precisely because of the freedom to choose my own way to go.

I feel that love is enough.

So that'll do.

Love &
Light
Jon
x

haha 2012 you think we've got problems - Weighty Issue - Intimi Dating

i can't say much about december 2012 except that I was born a few minutes before 12:00pm on the 11/12/72
So the first full day of my fourtieth year will be 12/12/12. I'll be meditating or hungover or both....
9 or so days after that it's the 21st of December 2012 when we stop measuring time by what we earn from it
But by how we feel while we're making the most of it, not a second wasted because they never are just spent.

Who Am I? - Weight of expectayshun

am i a sexist pig? am i am feminist? a post modern prattle on or a shakepearian battleworn lad from a' estate?
who knows at the moment but I'm not that concerned. This test is the hardest cos it's all to be relearned a bit.

Going back to times when I hadn't a clue is the result of thinking I knew it all makes me a fool not a clown pie-eyed.
I've got to face every aspect of myself and ask is that me? Like comparing myself to others all the time am I them inside?

No it's me.

Bits of me that I don't like or had thought were long gone, brought up by strong emotions of pure joy a reverance and respect
for the fact that there was a time when it felt joyless to be here, in fact pretty grim, so I suppose it leads to overwhleming
feelings of ambivalence when it's hurting so much to deal with that shit but if I don't do it now it's just like an itch. If you

scratch it it comes back if it wants to, if you don't scratch it that's it... Some itches may feel the same after you are healing

or saved from overindulgence or underindulgence or both in extreme but the fact that they're healing is the sign that you're free

to imagine that everything else is fine too. After all even if you're kidding yourself, won't that do? Make believe that there's

peace now already cos there is if you like, it's found deep inside you like riding a bike. You remember or it's itching at you but

you know if you don't you'll never know a thing worth knowing and this isn't a joke. Learn who you are when you have a spring

clean up there and all over and carry that person forward into whatever future present moment you wish to see unfold.

I don't mind feeling like I'm 20 something again even if I don't look it ;) because to me it's like wishing you could go back and

do it all again with the knowledge and wisdom of someone who could kick the bullies ass and such and such. Problem with that is I

would have been worse and far worse off right now. I don't respond well to accusations and I don't mind a confrontation whereas

before I would have avoided it at all costs. But I'm way more a lover than a fighter. I don't like fighting of any kind, I prefer

a sit down debate that after a few drinks and other purely for medicinal purposes substances (P.M.P.S.) will usually result in a

handshake or a kiss and later after way too much of one or the others somehow it comes back up again and everything kicksoff.

Although it never does except that one time.

So yes I'm feeling shy and retiring whilst also on top of the world for the briefest times and those are when I can face the fact

that I don't need most things. I haven't got many and I'm getting rid of everything as fast as I can. I've read books, I can keep

my clothes. The rest I can grow or have to buy. My stereo and the essentials I'm keeping, the rest hasn't been touched for years.

I can download or access almost anything I could ever need online. That's a great bonus and a great temptation at the same time.

Almost as if we're all being offered on a personal and a national, if you still recognise those labels for the population of the

planet earth, and a global perspective the opportunity to choose our own future. In small ways we are every day, will I go this

way or that way? What should I be looking out for again? Landmarks? Road Signs? I'm lost again. Always am. Then someone said

hey, take your time, learn the way and I am. Bit by bit, different things that were tough are getting better but that's still not

enough? Yes No er Yes it's still not, but hey work harder not smarter. Be consistent more. Not in fits and starts.

So it's me?

It's my fault I'm the way I am not what others did. I let them. I didn't do anything. I felt helpless so I was helpless so it's

not my fault. But it is, isn't, is, isn't, yesisnot, everything is true from the right perspective.

Isn't...

Stop thinking those old thoughts now for the last time let them go, they were attached to nice feelings that aren't going anywhere.
In fact they only get better cos they were pure emotion and that's just as memorable as the first time you did anything new

anywhere new with anyone new.

Hmm as usual I start writing feelings and get gibberish poetry, it's really not my fault it's just coming out that way these days

sometimes, intuition and cognition failing captain, we're all at sea this time ready to ditch but that was then and it's been easy

to easier to fix, I'm drawn to the right videos, articles and friends who live a better life than I do. Learning a lot and making

masses of mistakes but hey it's the opposite of getting over someone cold turkey, I'm having to learn focus in every second and

relaxation in that same moment. Alert calmness. The ability to not freak out constantly and not over-react constantly to outside

events, balancing out the right and left brain spheres like two planets slowly colliding and becoming one line, that Spice Girls

song, smooch smooch I love you lefty , I love you righty, squelch they've only blooomin' gone and made a super mind capable of

common sensual decisions within the one organ so not either swayed too heavily by emotion and change or too not heavily enough to

stick to habits and ruts in concert with the fact that the brain sends less signals to the Heart as do the neurons there send far

more information to the brain, we litterly are able to think with our hearts and often do. But we get heart broken and then stop

trusting it.

If I'm ever in pain of any sort, emotional , physical, mental, all I do is imagine that my heart can take it. Because it can, take

my pain away like some kind of beautiful reprocessing plant, breathing in the power in the form of oxygen or energy whatever way

you wanna look at it. Breathing through my heart as in my head's third eye I see it glowing a pure gold although rarely cos it's

red hot and white hot mostly these days, just a pilot light in comparison to how it felt before. There are little glimpses of that

crimson palace I resided in and in truth the more I cope with feeling like shit the more I seem to get over it quicker. The less

I feel like getting shitfaced or out of it. Although that's still fun in the right company...

Imagination

Creation

Elation

---

Intimi Dating

When I said I hadn't been that intimate with a woman before, I had plenty of times, I meant that we had the lights on ;)

intimidating means to threaten and also to injure and is so close to imitating that it hurts.
Don't we just try to be the same as each other for as long as we can manage?
and then find out that we're nothing alike and hate each other for it...
rather than being honest at the start and learning to love someone,
who despite annoying the heck out of you makes you laugh.
cried in front of you, shared lots of things

Intimidation (also called cowing) is intentional behavior "which would cause a person of ordinary sensibilities" fear of injury or harm. It's not necessary to prove that the behavior was so violent as to cause terror or that the victim was actually frightened

This isn't about a person it's about every person in or out of my life
and a little bit about me
and all at the same time
my bit seems toughest
sorry if that's how
y'all feel too..
Love &
Light
Jon
x

Hypocondrial Dna Empathetically Speaking

Or :- 'Sometimes I doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion'

In the past I could only make positive changes in my life if it was for someone else. In other words I would spend weeks and weeks in a funk but if someone I cared about got in touch I would immediately sort myself out for their benefit. Basically I always felt so shit about me, that I could only do right by me, if it was for the sake of another person.

I only felt attractive if I looked good, only felt worthwhile if I was doing something good for someone else. The more I've worked on that, the more positive I feel about who I am, the more it leads to an equal negative feeling. Almost as if the better I feel, the less worthy of it I feel too.

Well I suppose it comes down to this...

If I can't handle me at my worst I don't deserve to be my best.

I like shortcuts, quick fixes or at least I used to. These days I'm much more disciplined, a bit more anyways ;)

What would happen before is that I would attempt to join in with whatever everyone else was doing, that would highlight and make quite clear how bad I was at everything and then I would feel like shit for even having a go. Let's take relationships. Well I haven't had much fun there, a few dabbles with one person or another and ultimately not knowing what the fuck I was doing and finding it almost impossible to just go with the flow and follow my instincts I would over think everything and then ruin it. I'd become frozen by my own fear of fucking things up and that would lead to fucking them up.

Frozen by fear, stuck in indecision, unable to try.

Well I guess it's always been the case that at heart I never felt good enough for anyone.

Being myself always lead to someone else showing me why I was a horrible person.

And having so little faith in myself meant I believed everything they said.

The cycle would restart, me feeling bad, doing bad things, feeling bad.

Then I started trying to see if there was anything I could do to make that situation better.

I can't say it's gotten me only to good places and to good people but almost so...

So many negative thoughts that as I felt more positive it gnawed at me.

Testing my resolve, poking and prodding at my defences, looking for a chink in my armour.

Tempting me to stop trying anymore when I feel deeply that I can only try harder.

Finding ways to work on that includes knowing that everything starts with me.

I have a responsibility to myself first, not in a selfish way, in a generous one.

If I'm no good to me, no wonder others don't think I'd be good for them.

If I can't treat myself with respect and love no-one else will want it.

All just random thoughts springing from yet another period of depression and failures.
An old habit trying desperately to cling on to some kind of hold on me.
All I can do is try to be happy with myself and that is attractive.
Not try to be whatever someone else wants, and hope,
that that could ever be enough when it never is.

I'll never give up working towards what I've always needed.

To be accepted by myself...

Light &
Love
Jon
x

shit n shinola

dear diary

i getall this shit out on here so that it's gone outta me head, that way it doesn't go round and round in there and I can do something less boring instead. Why Don't You?

i used to keep and re-and re-read txts and torture myself with what I'd said or what I could have said differently. Maybe try to work out what you meant by this or that.

That was a long time ago say 2007 now I use my memory only and like to be reminded of something clever or stupid I wrote or said to you in person which is much nicer, whatever comes up quite natually. That way it's not the desire to take it in and react like reading pages in a book but to re-experience how you were feeling inside first, express whatever emotion is recalled and let it go or enjoy it. The Bad stuff goes away gradually but the joy is always there.

If you openly talk about your exes together you can both learn a lot about each other just from the reasons that you got together and split up but more importantly you get to share your passions.

illumination is shining a light in darkness
light emmanating from within is enlightenment

A starrrrrr that's what they call you
someday you're gonna know who you are

when Bill S. Preston Esq & Ted Theodore Logan saved themselves by placing the right things in the right place at the right time to escape from the jail cells, their intention was to wait until they were out of jail, go to their time machine phone
booth and go back to place them there for when they needed them.

They discovered this and then just assumed that if they could think of something now and make it happen in the future, anything is possible.

They set their intention for the future, all you have to do is say what if when I go to work everyone is happy and we have a great day? You may end up slightly disappointed because some shit happens whether we like it or not, but the rest of the time you did have a good day right? That's cool, I'll try that tomorrow and the next day. Next week, next month, you get the idea. Consistently have a good feeling and see where it takes you, some nightmares are inevitable but they don't seem so bad when you're enjoying everything else so much more, like living out your wildest dreams.

Hah! who'd have thought it, many prescriptions are bad for you and many drugs are good for you? Funny old world eh?

This world would make a good horror movie. I wonder who would watch that?

Did you ever get the eery feeling that you are sitting at a table in The Restaurant at the End of The Universe?

writing a diary online is my way of sending my intention back and forth through time and in and out of the entire fractal landscape.

Light &
Love
Jon
x

Certainly Uncertain

I have been struggling to grasp & define the nature of reality
& to refine my own understanding of the nature of spirituality

Maybe looking for certainty beyond love is the way to madness or
even worse a desire for your life to stretch on into infinity, to
avoid death by any means necessary. To fear death, the end of
life, requires a lack of love for who you are now.

I had misery in my mind but only love in my heart so I gave in
My mindseye shows me not to try to find an escape from death
My heart a desire to give love whether receiving it or not

I love a mystery and in truth find many too easy to uncover

Have love in my heart and that is all I can say

the good ones always win

can die in their efforts to fight but

the bad ones always lose

end up infighting & self-destructing

to assume they have an answer their undoing

i admit that i know nothing and so I hope it is enough

an instinct that things that may or may not be true are a trap

that there is a further hidden truth, a truly secret way which is
hidden from they who hide, something far greater that can't be seen
something that truly prevents & corrupts the corrupt from succeeding

something that allows free will and saves those with love in their heart
and allows those with hate to be destroyed by their own failure to love

and yet shall we all see this within our lifetimes?

Sláinte "May you be alive at the end of the world."

to believe it's not happening and so never give in.

understand that nothing is lost so never giveup

loving despite the future looking uncertain

I fear not my fate and believe in our destiny

I don't know what the future holds, not for certain
I have ideas, I've even made predictions
along the lines of...

Transformation this year and utopia by 2014
soon afterwards destination Hyperspace...

Names are just an excuse to label something or someone, we know who they are
A friend expressed this sentiment when I felt all was lost & wished it was
You Know Who You Are...  Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou x

Light &
Love
Jon
x

See no Evil Hear no Evil Speak no Evil

If you feel bad don't pass that off as somebody else's problem. No kneejerk reactions to things that you find hard to accept about yourself. Get real, begin accepting that everything starts and ends with you.

I was on a shamanic journey last year and after having spent months preparing in the right way and learning how to avoid many of the pitfalls I had enjoyed several full moon evenings out in nature facing my fears and on this occasion was in communication with the moon who was my teacher. When you are brought into the stunning light of clarity about who you are it becomes much easier to see how obvious, vicious and unnecessary the behaviour of yourself and others really is.

Mushrooms when taken in the correct environment are a true learning experience and allowed me to see the world for what it truly is. A projection out of what I believe and live internally.

I asked the Moon and it seemed quite reluctant to answer but in the end my friend had to admit that it was me all along. In other words all of reality is merely an outward attempt to realise who we are.

I am upset that someone could look at me and see whatever they like but that is the choice you have to make for yourself. I only attempt to be honest with myself first and then carry that into my dealings with others.

If you expect something which doesn't happen, whose fault is that?

Is it the worlds fault or the person you had expectations of?

Of course it isn't. Don't build up your hopes based on what you want the world and other persons to be because you will mostly be disappointed. Have an open mind, have hopes and dreams by all means but if you attach yourself to them wholeheartedly don't be too surprised when your hopes and dreams are dashed and when your mind recoils and shuts up shop.

I've been honest, open, respectful and loving towards myself and then carried that with me into the world and anyone I meet. At times I have become incredibly frustrated with other people because of my own desire for them to change. It's up to them to change and any attempt to force them to is gonna fail.

If you are dishonest with me in person I can often sense or just plain see it. I may decide on that basis to have nothing more to do with you and I probably wont tell you because it's already clear to me that you are a stranger to the truth. If you are able to lie to me the fact is that you are lying to yourself first, and yet you only seem to want to blame me for your own failure to be honest.

I know who I am, the people who know me know what I am like, the opinions of people who don't have a clue don't matter to me. We are all changing a little bit everyday unless we are resistant to that change. I had to get right out of my comfort zone in order to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. That's hard and I've only been able to do that by quitting everything in my life, going right back to square one and building myself back up from the ground. It was a risky strategy but if I had not I wouldn't be here today, I would have killed myself, or in my case carried on not wanting to live, gotten even more ill and died.

Nothing and no-one deserves to be treated with disrespect, if I say something you don't like, rather than asking yourself whether that applies to you and if it doesn't let it go, it's so much easier to just assume I'm attacking you, your group, your sex, your religion. None of those things matter to me. They are not real, there are no differences only similarities.

I don't see any difference between people except the ones they choose to use to define themselves. Women and Men are far more similar than we like to admit because it's easier to use the stereotypes set down to create a divide. In the end we are all going to be of one mind.

I have no desire to upset anyone or give someone the wrong impression but rather than ask yourself hard questions you go for the easy option, the quick fix, that's because you're addicted to drama, addicted to your own emotional states, addicted to the brain chemicals that are released when you feel angry or miserable.

When you try to change it 'hurts like hell' so you revert to your old ways.

I've hurt myself far more than you ever could and learn't not to react.

Rationally trying to think your way out of a crisis will not work.

You have to feel your way in the dark to get over your fear.

I was insulted, bullied, treated like I am some kind of bad person.

That was easier than looking at yourself and realising it's you who is insulting.
It's you who are bullying others.
You are a bad person.

Accepting that and anything else you find on close inspection and examination of yourself is the only way you will ever get over others comments and find out that actually :-

You don't like insulting others
Bullying makes you sad.
You're not bad.

I've been there done that and going out into nature, with the help of certain natural medecines in a sensible, non recreational way was what brought me to the point of forgiving myself for the ways in which I was an idiot in the past, forgive myself for things I did to others, forgive myself for always expecting the worst and so was rarely disapppointed.

Trying to reintegrate the new me into the social circles I used to travel in leads to others expectations of who I was making it very difficult to maintain my new way of doing things, new way of seeing the world, but that's just the first step to saying NO!... The buck stops here.

I am different to how I used to be, and will not cave in because you insist on not seeing that.

I have to try until there's a chink in your armour, a light in the windows to your soul.

I've seen that sparkle back in your eyes, I saw how happy it made you.

I know how hard it is at first, so I'm going to be patient.

Keep on keeping on. Be consistent.

Love despite your hate.

Let it go.

Love
Jon
x

A short reply to some criticisms directed at me that I had to truthfully ask myself is that true?

No I don't read or own lots of spiritual books, and rather than go out and get fucked on drugs, I actually used mushrooms in a safe and controlled environment to learn something about myself, not to have a good time. Although it is true that to get to this point I did read books, I still look for answers online and some of my inspiration comes from others. I did have to and still have to go out to have a good time with my new friends and some of those occasions I abuse drugs to help me get there. I've relaxed my attitude of using drugs to help me become uninhibited, however I find that other people have a very confused memory of their own experiences because of that. I like to remember most if not all of an evening, I don't go out to get fucked very often, I like to relax and enjoy myself and losing control is not fun for me anymore. If I was rude to you it was because you expected something of me that I was unable to provide, that is your problem not mine.

I need to manage my own and other peoples expectations better.

I don't have a small penis.

I'm not lost.

How It Feels - To Not Have To Be So Feckin Perfect

It Feels Shit

The magical feeling that I had for many months last year has gone to a large extent. I suppose that is a normal reaction to the rollercoaster ride of paradigm shifts. I've flip flopped (dont like em anyway they're uncomfortable and silly and my feet dont look nice at the best of times) back and forth quite a bit. Tried and tested lots of different opinions and come back to the idea that I should find one person and have them mean as much to me as I do to them and stick with it. However I must add that it would take me a while to see one person as the be all and end all and I can't see why if you love other people too, that expressing that should be an obstacle to having a best friend that means the most at the same time ;) It's all very confusing as I've only ever loved one person at a time before, whereas these days there are several that I love to different extents. I also see this as some kind of future memory of how things may be once we are all one.

I suppose there was always going to be a bit of tension because I was always a very natural person who found everyone else very unnatural. Now I'm open and honest as I always was and manage to be as normal as you would like me to be, not trying to push my theories onto anyone else. I let you ask questions or I volunteer the answers that you need to hear to realise that it's ok to feel different inside to what the outsiders (almost everyone else) seem to expect of us.

My friend is such a good example. It's been very lonely to find someone I thought could be my best friend and royally fuck that up to the point that I just felt like an idiot abroad again. The friend I'm talking about here isn't in my life at the moment, I am spending time with a brother from another mother however and although we both agree a female version of that relationship would be our ideal, for the moment we are each others besty, in terms of the time we are spending together and the things we are able to express.

Doesn't change the fact that I miss my miss. Stopped thinking about her as often, although as usual I am convinced that some of the time, she is thinking of me first which brings she to my mind. I have a connection to the people in my life and often I and my thoughts are miles away from everyone and everything right here. I get brought back down to earth by the daily routines we all go through to get by, occasionally people spring to mind and if it didn't seem like my idea then I assume it was yours. ( sexism in our language makes it ok to describe someone as he but not as she - when I call mother nature she all the time too... Think about it)

I've been backwards in coming forwards because that has often lead to me being rejected.

I used to put people on pedestals and not see them for who they really are, rather who I would like them to be which was a symptom of my first relationship that was so tragically romantically perfect. We met while I was young and naive (I feel like I still am in many ways mind ;)

I helped to search for your missing horse and have always had a thing for anyone who loves animals, a desire to work with them too. My careers advisor suggested two separate and quite opposite sounding choices for my personal development and future working life.

Vetinary Nurse
Computer Studies

That speaks to the fact that I have always struggled where people are concerned. To me there is an obvious parallel between those two seemingly opposed areas of study. Neither animals or computers have any desire to be fraudulent in their dealings with the human they are experienced by. Unless someone else has interfered in their natural development of course.

To me the pedestals were a way of changing the reality of you into something I could match up to my own inner worlds. In my mind everything is perfect and everyone is happy, or at least that was the way it used to be until I started accepting the way things are in your minds.

My heart has become much better at choosing the right person at the right time.

No longer is my love so blind as to find someone I thought was pretty fucking perfect for me only to later realise how impractical or just plain wrong it was. Of the three people that I have put on that pedestal, after putting myself so low as a priority as to feel unworthy of a single step off the floor, the last was not so high as the first was and neither was I so low down on the agenda.

That first relationship ended after I discovered you were anorexic, bulimic and suffering from p.t.s.d. Not because I wanted it to, but because you kept pushing me away so hard that in the end I went. I didn't know what any of those things were, I didn't have the strength because I was so fucked up to help you to heal and I tried to be your friend, which wasn't enough for you.

I know that was the right thing to do. I know you couldn't carry on that way. You needed and got help and today as far as I know it's all behind us both. I forgave myself for not helping you then, or afterwards because I was too afraid to fail, too afraid to try, too afraid of everything.

So my most recent failure to see someone for who they really are, see things how they really are, and I count you among the reasons why btw because you weren't very forthcoming, I couldn't seem to get much out of you once you had decided to see me as whatever it was you saw me as, some sad little urchin or mad little sea monster, I really don't know. I hope that you were doing the right thing by me not avoiding my attempts to do the right thing by you ;)

I still like you very much and not because I am in love with you although I may still be a little bit.

My heart is choosing much more intelligently these days, because in many respects I came to see why the other people I have had that depth of feeling for in the past were right not to let me in.

I would have just been unhappy with them or they with me. I would have been trying to be and they to me what we both assumed we needed. I need space to explore who I am and you've given it to me, in the way that every man feels, a woman psy'chic'ally knows when a man is over his obsession and just wants to be friends again, or something more only not on his terms any longer. After all equality is something more than merely a concept in human relationships, it's about give and take and a sum of parts making two people more than they were alone.

I think I've learned my lesson quite well with so little experience... After all I didn't have a girlfriend or even a first kiss until I was 20, three months later we were having mostly rubbish sex because we had declared our love for one another and 5ish months after that it was all over for us. I am a quick learner aren't I? Shyness and anxiety ruined any chance for some practise up until then. My mind was always wandering off way too far into the future and that entailed a whole lot of things that I had no idea of and lots of fear about, that's a symptom of the fact that I can project my vision of the world today with very little information right out into the end of time. So getting a little carried away by the wonderfulness of being in the presence of someone quite so lovely as to dare to spend some quality time with me, was more than intoxicating.

Particularly for a person like me who never really thought, or could accept, that I was lovely at all. I can take compliments now, my self esteem is quite secure-ish, I found that it came from within me after complete strangers quickly became my friends whilst walking my way across Spain from East To West a few years ago on my own for the first time abroad. I had gone there determined not to come back and soon realised who and what I missed and who and what were merely habits left well alone, some are still alone, some I have reconciled with at least a little.

We were all alone over there, and I couldn't see any motives, had stopped looking for them.

Trusted myself again, trusted others again, sorted me fucking head out at last.

Living the here and now is much more enoyable than many flights of fancy.

I miss you but you already know how I feel because I told you.

It might be nice once you know, to hear how you feel.

Sooner or later I may find someone new who my heart is even more certain about but it's only happened to me so rarely that afterwards I had to agree wholeheartedly with it's choice.

Love aint blind, it's blindly loving that was the problem before, but I was honest about my own faults and could see your foibles.

They only seemed to make me more fond of you dammit ;)

Ciao for now mi amiga
Love
Jon
x

MME - Managing Mushroom Expectations

It's a bit of a brain squeaker, just stuff poured out so you know it isn't just something I thought about... Was written a while ago to give some new friends an idea of what I do to bring myself closer to something real, an experience that can change your outlook in positive ways for your own good, the thing is it's catching. You go back to your environment changed for the better.

ok peeps to set your mind at rest, nothing can happen to you when you are with me....that you don't need to... you are protected by my guides by my environment and by me personally and by your own intention... look within over the next week and keep asking bigger and bigger questions then smaller and smaller ones, then find one that's juuuuuustright.

If nothing comes to mind, it's cos you're after something else this trip to the Full Moon... and about that... it should be light enough for us to wander around, which is the bestway to come up into the light anyway and work everything through.

Bring some snacks that you want to eat to drink.... from childhood if you wanna go there, your youth, er now if thats any older than youth, I feel like a youth myself merely a whippersnapper knee high to a cricket so I can't take the piss even though it's my curse to have a quick wit, I've learnt when it's appropriate and when it isn't.

I learn as much from you as you do from me as always...
no-one does anything they don't want to or don't feel comfortable with, i.e. e.g. ? wtf? idk! in other words if something i ask you to do or say makes you feel uncomfortable you need to do it but I would never ask you to do or say anything that I would not and will not be doing myself. THE ATMOSPHERE is important as is the setting and setup but we are merely nervous friends about to set off on a journey through time and space.. beginning to sound like the mighty boosh, but go with any experience that is offered internally by your self and let go of any fears as you have nothing to fear from me or each other in the slightest.

The problem to face is that you are uncertain about the outcome. It's a good first lesson. Then the symptoms start and the word makes you nervous just reading it but they are merely the affects of a drug not the worrying signs of a poisoning... mushrooms are safe at any level of dose they CANNOT kill you.. they can turn your brain into so much mush but only at doses we wouldnt approach in a million years for two reasons... i wont let you... i dont have enough... ;)

i'll ramble then see what i missed.. ask anything at any time before during and after talk talk talk open yourself to saying whatever you feel like saying or doing... we all need help to let go of our fears our emotions our ways of coping and it's stressful, it causes tremors and shakes and tears and sobbing and laughing hysterically and shouting and screaming... but only if you are doing it right...

first time out although I KNOW I got your backs with no problems, for me obviously you are fairly blank slates..i have invited you to join me on my trip, to enable me to learn from you how to work with you, we'll all be faking confidence in what to do with our minds although I've had more practice and help from above.

background, saw ghosts ufos etc as a kid, had experiences that were psychic and threatening in nature but many things can be scary and feel wrong when they are soo right... example the build up on energy within me when i watched a video reiki meditation... i was rushing and cold sweating but my INSTINCT told me to continue so I fed that notion with love potion.... a calm concentrated state... created by breathing slow and deep until your calm breathe slow calm breathe slow loop sets you free (worked for me meant i no longer get a lot of tension headaches etc,now feel a lot lighter in fact for no reason, in diet or exercise went under 10 stone for the first time since well i must have been very young)... i am healed from head to toe and set further harder missions and challenges that I see approaching with relish not fear or anxiety... if you still wish to join in and see whatnature will reveal of herself... we will be doing nothing but whatI described above and below but we are all friends so I would never expectto have to tell you about things like showing respect for others or any of my other concerns.

arrive at mine, check out the lay of the land and make yourselves at home. outside toilet is basic but well functional, the walls are plaster and i spent hours as a kid finding faces and characters in the marks and lumps and bumps. electric lighting in the caravan and heated. two leather armchairs for your comfort and a table with seats either side standard jobby, so that you can lie down on the seats if you want to.

at any point please dont hesistate to ask for anything that you need i can always say no but so rarely do that its ridiculous ;)

i'll be as nervous as you, try to remain calm, it helps me to ;)

we work out doses based on past experience... please pass me any details you think relevant about your usage of liberty caps, in what way with what ingredients, how many times, were they whole or powdered? etc etc any information is valid let me sift through it... basically we want to go for a level that is atleastenough but ive got skills we can play around to make sure we're all well mushed and you are the priority so dont worry about bringing anything with you,except maybe some limes ;) i'll tell you more when you get here

we prepare doses and separate (mentally at least) while they stew in lime juice to mentally prepare for 20 minutes by going over all the things we really dont want to think about or experience or re-live.. do this if you like on the day just go over and over all the crap you want to let go of, bore yourself silly with it so that it is much less likely MUCH HARDLY LIKELY AT ALL UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO come up during our fun time

intention is the key, what do you intend? what are your fears? what have you been told? you wont see spaceships or aliens or monsters you will be with me and you will only see what i see and reflected back to you from me will be you, the real you and nature, the real nature... nothing will or can hurt you unless you believe it can neo-phytes...

trust yourself
trust me (guessing you do if your coming over lol)
trust in nature
trust that you will have a good if trying time because you dont take a trip you do one

do the best you can to be healthy before, no violent imagery, no news unless filtered through a sieve for you, nothing that can harm your calm if you can help it, when you get stressed think of me and breath slow and deep when yours not stressed think of me and breath slow and deep, think about the beauty of the place, the beauty of what you will see

the history of this place is amazing, from early human settlements, through to roman villas (at the top of the hill we can visit the mound that it lies under) through to what is here now like yew tress that we can sit under that are truly psychedlic and teachers in their own right, of our own....

it's your night i'm there as your everything and anything...

I am a legion, of no form who inhabits the role of whatever you need at the time you need it.... i am your butler and your bestfriend all rolled into one. i am there to serve my mistress at your request... only be careful what you wish for cos you just might get it.. she's firm but fair... dont join a firm runaway with the fair ;)

ok im getting tired and i havent stopped tonight for food or a shower lol. im usually cleanliness close to godliness guy these days but old havits die hard when the need arises.

Wash all over shower bath bathe whatever but make sure you are clean and your clothes are recently clean just to lighten the load of bad energies, or dirt, or whatever you wanna call it.. that way you are prepared physically and mentally which are the two dimensions before we get to spiritually....

its gonna be great fun to share this with you thankyou for making me scared but happy excited and nervous but strangely calm mostly.. thats what it gives you, the inner peace to just get on with your destiny...

JW
x

dont eat for six hours before say 7pm as thats when i plan for us to have started..ideally this way we can all be fine to drive etc by midnight at the latest this trip will be short and sharp but stunning and not a big deal over anything youve done before that makes you rush up and slide down, we all know how to deal with those but you wont want to sleep until you get home and if you do the caravan is there for you to stay in until the nextday if you wish of course, mi casa su casa.... the caravan is a safe haven from disturbance, bring a tent by all means if you want privacy.. I understand anything that you think i don't and i've felt more pain than you can imagine so i know yours too, but if you manage to surprise me at all I will be overjoyed.. when youve been here as long as I have you start to remember so much that very little has any real merit anylonger unless it's new or interesting... dont try just let it happen and YOU will make YOUR SELF all better with my help a little... ? step by step we make progress... it's called a trip cos it's something you take regularly, once you are on the path you will want to find people in your own social groups to do this with so that we can all get on the same page quicker.. if you feel like tripping with me some more i may find that difficult to arrange or deal with but if I ask you of course you are more than welcome... i'll only do that if I see a need ? and in you too I see more than enough potential for positive change but less areas that need improvement.. you see we're all nearly there already.. we just need mother to cut the apron strings but once we know they're always still attached we can choose when to be her puppet and when to do our own thing... We have free will or it wouldn't be fair

dont know what the 'pop' at the start was lol... (could have been poop as I often make little errors whilst I'm learning). um i tend to find difficult things easy and easy things difficult so my viewpoint also makes me miss important things for simple ones and vice versa.. please tell me if there's anything you want to know before if it will help to improve your experience, um just lets make sure we all know whats on the cards is nothing but friends becoming uninhibited together and allowing themselves to open up in a safe way where it's a mutual appreciation society... you know anything you say is in confidence because we will all have shared something with impunity... and immunity ;)

Love
Jon
x

Destiny's Child ("My Density has bought me to you")

If I look back over my life I can see specific moments that changed its course...

When I returned from my travels I wanted to get my new & old friends together.
I put on a party & invited an old work mate who I'd just reconnected with on FB.
Who brought all sorts of interesting people and music that I am now hooked on.
Later I was sitting outside my house tempted to just do nothing an stay home.
But I went out instead because I wanted to keep the positive changes going.
Met people that have had an outstanding influence on the way I do things.
Afterwards I met someone briefly at a Tribe of Frog at Lakota in Bristol.
Which lead to me following my instincts and going to Cosmo Festival '11.
Asked my new friend to come stay over, she opened me up spiritually.
Our new mutual pals wanted to go out on a Saturday night in town.
I took them there and tried to make sure they had a good night.
Met someone at Happy Daze and without thinking went for it.
Had a joyous few days but royally fucked up cos I'm clumsy.
I've learnt an awful lot and made some old mistakes again.
Have fallen and found myself feeling like that old version.
The one who never had anything to feel truly proud of.
But I haven't let myself down as much as others do.
Or as much as I have in the past and I sleep well.
Am lonely as I never felt it, when I was numb.
Of course I wanna fuck, but make love first.
Starting things as I mean to go on...

We all have several destinies, many of the events in our lives would happen anyway but far more only occur because we make a choice. I chose to be honest and it's backfired on me I think.

I have male friends who say things I just can't believe are true. Sex seems more important than love. For some it's because they've been hurt in the past or don't want to be again in the future.

I'd much rather be single for the rest of my days than either cheat with someone or only be with someone dishonestly just for sex. If that makes me strange in the eyes of some then so be it.

I've loved people in the past and when it became clear it wasn't going anywhere, or when I put everything on the line, I moved on. I've been in relationships recently where I didn't have to hold back, I could be totally open and honest and by doing so have remained friends, that's the least I expect. I did the right thing in each case. Often that has meant that the person whose life I would have liked to have been a part of went back to resolve whatever issues they had with whoever it was that was still on their mind, a recent ex or an old flame that they just can't get past or something to do with themselves that I really shouldn't be involved with unless they want me to be or are ready to have me be.

Guys:-

Don't say things like 'any holes a goal' in front of me
Don't say I'd love to fuck her if she's with someone
You wouldn't want your partner to cheat on you...

Girls:-

All I've done is make sure that I can love the one I'm with
AND be free to love someone else aswell if that is appropriate
I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too just my fair share

All of those little changes that I chose to make in the past few years lead me to you.

That was a destiny of sorts, not the end of the world, the start of a new one.

I hope it's populated with people like you, otherwise I'm fucked.

Light &
Love
Jon
x