So what shall I write about today?
Haven't been doing anything to give me any inspiration, get home, feel tired, don't shower, get food, do internet stuff, veg in front of Facebook, feeling so uninspired, so old me, so useless, so scared all the time.
And then there's this basic, level, of not caring, not scaredness, where I'm no where near as anxious about things that are coming up, don't spend anywhere near as much time thinking, overthinking, worrying about stuff, and just get on with it when it does arrive. Like my brain state is becoming retrained, the two versions becoming one, the old me, the new me, the old new me and the new old me, all variations slowly settling into one person... So as much as I feel listless, as much as I'm just going through the motions, there are a lot of positives, and it seems hard to accept that but it's true.
I've been out quite a bit, seen people whose company I enjoy, danced my ass off and really revelled in the feeling of transcendence that ensues, loving trancing out, stomping my way through good tunes...
Not listening to music at home, tending to be reading most of the time, that's very old me, you see I don't have, I do have, but don't use my mp3 players, my phone I just use for the basics, texting and for emergencies and not keeping in touch, that's very old me too, although I just don't have any reason, when I think of someone I send them a message, but often, too often, I'm just self absorbed, self concious, still checking and rechecking and oftentimes just obsessed with 'what am I thinking now?'...
It's become a pattern, a habit and it was waning as the different aspects grew less obvious, however for some reason last week, and the weekend in particular, caused a relapse, I could blame a bad habit or two, and I will do so and stop them for a while in the hope that it was they, (smoking things)...
There's the tunes getting stuck in my head problem, although I'm starting to see that it's just what used to happen only I recently get a little hettup by it, everyone can get a song stuck in their minds, it's that sometimes only the one line repeating and it's so annoying but finding it less of an issue gradually.
Then there's nasty thoughts or should I say the way in which my mind can go to the gutter, I don't remember it doing that so much before, whether I had locked the dirty filthy part of me away forever until recently I don't know, but now that it's loose it's really having a field day.
Then there's me remembering the different aspects and remembering the different things that have happened.
That's far less of a problem, as that's just memories of things not the things themselves, so I can feel it slowly diminishing, slowly getting better, good days rolling on, I feel guilty for feeling good, I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, I feel bad for not feeling bad, I know that no-one is all good or all bad now, I can see it more clearly than ever before, honestly seeing others for who they really are instead of always only seeing the good and then being disappointed when they are able to show their true selves in my presence, in the way that it happens so frequently when you're with someone else who is just honestly being themselves too.
I suppose I had locked so much away, and it's been like growing up from an infant again, self confidence is still at a low low level, growing gradually, there is the obvious side of me that is so uninhibited now, released from so many years of captivity, cos in the past I often just either went out to shock or went out to hide and watch the world go by, I suppose there was an aspect of playing a part, if I was going out with some dutch courage (more often than not, I would need to get drunk to come out of myself)... Then I could relax, walking the tightrope between enough to let go and letting go so completely that I would often not know what had gone on, forever, the previous nights activities passing my concious self by quite completely.
I never got much if anything back after my drunken blackouts, no flashbacks for me, cos I live in the moment, project into the future too much though too, I rarely if ever cared much about the past, it's all coming back to me now though, nostalgia finally creeping up, although in a way it's the mental blocks that are going that is releasing a lot of the old days to be rethought of...
So what's the story now? Life is still rubbish, I'm heading into my winter of discontent. I can feel however that it's less of a problem, I'm nowhere near as stressed out, just rolling with the punches, taking the mental anguish as a sign that I am healing through dealing... There was a lot of problems with who I was, now there are fewer, only thing is I still am not convinced that I could be happy in a normal life setup.
I'm stuck in my mind, not seeing any way out, just seeing obstacles that seem too hard to get past or over or round or through, no solutions, just mental mindscapes, mazes, dead ends, no dreams here, no life lines along the road, nothing to look forward to, no way out, just constant ideas that seem great at the time but fade into obscurity, don't seem possible when I think about them later, when it comes to the crunch, I'm too scared to follow my heart.
Slowly coming back to myself though, feeling parts come back, working out which ones I want and don't...
Slowly feeling better in some ways, worse in others, denying those I don't agree with and between ignorance to allow things to fade and changing the subject to reprogram my thoughts, and positive thinking, positive self talk, making so much time for sleep, I used to be quite the insomniac, now I'm to bed early, every night, in the week anyway, in bed sometimes an hour and a half before I need to be, meditating, letting my mind switch off, concentrating like counting sheep only counting down to things I want to see in the world.
Trying to meditate, trying to clear my mind, when I close my eyes there are so often unwanted things there, things I must have had a powerful control over before, that now are let loose, things that between the alcohol and the weed, I had banished from my mind, from my body, now I feel normal, old, as if the magical world I lived in before has left me, as if the world view I subscribed to actually meant that was the world I lived in.
I can't remember much before today, not really, but everything used to just happen, I used to just do things, now I seem to have to think about them, concentrate more, I used to just achieve stuff, I used to just do things without thinking, I used to go through life in a fog, or clouded, or somehow without much effort.
Now it all seems like so much hard work, because I can see how much I've neglected, I wasn't pulling my weight, now I'm trying to, it's hard to do so from a standing start, old habits die hard, I thought they were gone if not forgotten but they're back, the fear inside drove me to change my ways, clean up my act, and I'm grateful for the terror of a few months ago when I would have been unsurprised to have been put somewhere, so I went through all my piles of junk, I tidied up my room and my caravan, I was hard on myself, I still am being, I've got this dream, but they're all tied up with a cynical dislike, a cynical fear, a damned if you do, damned if you don't feeling.
You see all the spirituality, not religion that I subscribed to, was put into doubt. I saw the bad guys as good and the good as bad, I saw the confusion reign as I realised that maybe I didn't know anything at all, when I was convinced I had a good line on the world, and the confusion just confused an already mixed up me.
Is shamanism an ancient alternative to modern religions or was it just a practise of devil worship?
Is there a spirit world? Do we live on there after we die? Do our loved ones go there?
Mediumship making me convinced for a week, my thoughts were transparent either to the medium, or to my relatives, who I had asked in my mind, not aloud, to come and give me a message if they felt like it, and they did, the three weeks when I fervently asked within my thoughts for specific members of my ancestry to come along in the evenings when I go to a spiritualist church, they turned up.
All very confusing, but the way I see it is this.
There's only one game in town.
This universe is it.
We're in it.
So all I can do is get back to who I was before I fell from such a height.
Keep on working to improve myself, my health, my fitness, my mind.
Get back to feeling things, sensing things, reading others minds.
Slowly there are signs, I need to be strong for the final fight.
There will come a time when I have to choose, who to be.
And as of right now, I don't think the rules are set in stone.
I can just keep on doing what I'm doing, hanging in there.
Letting the chips fall as they may, dancing, massaging, counselling, being the good me,
not because I want to get some reward, but because that was how I got from the scared,
confused person I was up until a few years ago to the confident person I've become slowly.
I sent myself off to europe, I had my back to the wall at home, couldn't see a way out,
so I dived into the deep end, assuming I would never come back up home again,
but I did with a renewed love for life, and for people, that I'd never had.
So these days, as strange as they seem, as familiar too, I mean little has changed from the middle ages.
So many squirelly religions, sects, fads and factions in the world, so much slavery still, so many poor in foreign countries abused, whether knowingly or otherwise by all of us here in this country and others, where even here and America and Europe, there are poor people in our nations, and many rich people too, the gap getting bigger, the gap between what you would like your life to be like and what is possible, the gap between what you would like to own and what you have in your pocket immeasurably larger than ever, the fake money system, that creates debt, and send all the proceeds up to the small percentage of the richest, from the poor areas of our country to the rich ones, our economy designed by bankers to create money out of thin air on a computer, then charge the person borrowing that electronic fakery interest, they mortgage and slave themselves away up to the hilt, causing stress that is not necessary, illness that is tragic, changes to the systems of health service, public services of all kinds gradually in the hands of people unconcerned except for public perception, and private profit, the world becoming the worst vision possible of a future imaginable.
It's so hard to stay positive in this world, easier by far just to get drunk, drugged, become another statistic, lay low, don't raise your head above the parapet lest it gets shot off, just stay out of the limelight, let the famous actors take the stage, and yet, there is improvement, there is freedom of speech on the internet, there is a growing movement, there is freedom within the minds of those capable of thinking for themselves.
The media, the idea of censorship online, the people we try to blame for our problems, the politcoes, the guys we vote in, the system we support, we don't disapprove of or try to change, after all the laws are brought in, made up, sanctioned by people we put in power, so will it have to get perilous, will it have to come to a grinding halt, some kind of terrible situation that will leave us calling for someone to take control, some new disaster, a lack of open eyes, a lack of information in the public domain, a lack of informed people, a lack of desire except to be safe in our beds, when the economic crisis causes everything to get worse, let's decrease the prison population, let the roads and services get worse, lower the money (that is out there in the hands of bankers who create it and their shareholders, and of companies who earn it from us etc) that is spent on improving the situation, let things slide into some kind of chaos, from whence we shall clamour for order...
It's not looking good, but for some reason even when I lose hope...
Even when I see hell in front of us and all around.
For some reason, there's a tiny bit that says no!
NO!
It's there, it is the only thing that means I can sleep at night, as much as I value the longer the period I can be unconcious, I do so look forward to not thinking, not having to cope with my thoughts, I was never that concerned with things such as whether there was something wrong with me before, I ignore anything I don't like the thought of, when it comes along, violent urges, some kind of animal internally, a caveman, a hunter, a predator, the meat eater that wants to hunt and kill, the vicious one with a lust for sex, the inner beast, it is calmed because I have never ever let it be me, it wasn't as obvious before, wrapped up with my temper, all rolled into one with my inner demons, my past misdemeanours, my failings that I thought weren't so bad.
I stole from a young age, saw myself as poor, saw things others had and thought, rationalised, why not?
Alcohol made that easier, and also lead to thefts of alcohol in later life.
I've turned over new leafs, started a new book in the last years,
no more thieving, not even petty things, especially not.
Put a new line in the sand, now I don't fantasise about the dreams I had for some kind of romantic ideal.
There were long held beliefs within me that certain people from the past, certain things would come to pass.
Now those are gone, I'm trying to be ultra realistic, although it doesn't mean I don't get my hopes up.
Hope dies last, I truly believe that phrase, I don't know what the point of happy endings in movies is.
So few people have them in real life, yet there are many who have happy beginnings and middles.
I only know that one day, the idealistic ones will have their truth revealed for all.
I want, no need the world to be fair, for everyone to have a fair deal, a good life.
I need for this to come to pass, and am willing to sacrifice even more than I have already.
I always held onto the fact that I had saved a life, I did so without thinking about it, I held that as the reason why my other errors of judgement didn't count, I rationalised just about everything out, like balancing a check book, now I can't seem to get into the black, or out of the red, when I want to be neither.
I want to see the light, I want to experience enlightenment, nothing is more important now to me than that.
Early to bed, trying to write down my dreams, trying to experience them, become lucid within them.
Slowly having more of those experiences again, I will fly one day again one night, bouncing along.
Regain some perspective, know that I can somehow make amends, have I ruined any lives?
I don't know the truth of how badly I fucked up in the past, so it's not clear.
I indirectly may have caused some serious unhappiness, no deaths.
Get myself into some kind of state of readiness, although still suffering health problems,
still suffering from a lack of faith, belief although I'm still plugging away,
still receiving healing, feeling slowly that I am working things out of my system,
It's so confusing this place, you see I doubt less now that this is all there is.
I am only concerned with learning the truth of what this existence is, the answer to the question of life the universe and everything may well be 42, I'm giving myself this lifetime to find out, and I can't think of anything more important that I could do, I could try to rehabilitate myself, fall in love, try to be the kind of person who someone could put up with, I am so honestly fed up with myself, find it so difficult not to see myself as a seriously screwed up, mess of an idiot of a fool, or a waste of space, I am struggling to see past the failings, but if I know one thing, it's that if I keep on trying, if I keep on asking myself questions, if I keep on doubting myself, then at least what comes out will be the truth, without bias, without the smirk or sneer that says in some way that I am forcing things, making things up anymore, I have to keep on being hard on myself, so that I know I can trust the answers, know that I'm not only seeing the good in myself anymore, knowing that eventually I can find a spark of goodness that I can still feel, and is growing stronger again, that I can turn that into a fire to burn away the rest of the rubbish, whether it means I have to go away, whether I have to put myself under pressure to turn this lump of coal into a diamond again, whether I have to quit the safety of the places I'm used to again, I just don't know, I'm paying off debts, but I'm subsidised here, ultimately I'm living off handouts, I'm making myself feel worse, in the long run one day I'll need to escape what I most want to reside in, the loving arms of my family, it's crossed my mind that I must at least carry on until my parents are gone, for to leave before they do would be such a burden, all sorts of frantic lies, all sorts of scared and wondrously awesomely terrifying things have passed my mental lips, only to be unspoken except here or in the moment before passing out, or after waking up.
The times lately that I have turned over and over in bed as if it were my grave, early morning consisting of immediate remembering of the three or four worst things I've ever done, I've gone over them and had new facets added, tried to work out what I could have done differently, work out what state of mind I was in at the time, is there anything I can do now? Should I try to explain or would that just be a way to let myself down easily? Carry on, deal with it, take it to your death, know that again bringing this up is going to make the next few days tragic and sad and harder than ever, as they fade and I come to let them go, forgiveness within at least allowing me to get through some days without it being a constant reminder, my conscience that used to be my best friend, now my best enemy, but at least it's keeping me honest.
I can't and I won't drown out this torture, or seek some kind of release, I'll work through it, knowing that I own those memories now, that I can only keep on doing my best, knowing I'd never be that depressed, that down, that low again, it makes me ask myself, if I was in a concentration camp, would I have gassed the Jews? Would I follow orders and do those terrible things? To me the world seems filled with terrors and horrors and many will lead to the deaths of people and animals and plants and creatures of all kinds, the death of all life on this planet, apart from cockroaches isn't all that difficult to imagine, if you look at the odds.
And then that leads me to the unreality of it all, the fact that it is all subjective experience, this might all be as fake as a computer simulation, we may have asked to come here to experience feeling, from some kind of exalted spot on cloud nine somewhere else entirely where all this seems like a good idea at the time.
Where time no longer exists either, or space, just thought.
I've been there, to places where bodies writhed together, in darkness. Behind closed eyes...
Seen a glimpse of heaven, a rainbow coloured nightclub with a select guestlist.
Felt the upward pull of a cosmic plughole that wanted to take me off.
Been offered a new mechanical body as an upgrade.
Seen the future, it wasn't bright, desired to get out of here for good...
How can I reconcile being told I would be a part of some great plan, not nothing in the long run, nor that big a deal either, just a cog in a huge wheel, in a huge machine...
I was a sceptic believer, I had seen ghosts, ufos, I believed in it all, the paranormal, the unexplained and the unexplainable, then someone made me a believer wholeheartedly, I KNEW there was life after death, I knew I could help others, I could heal, I could do good works, I was on the way...
And then it all came crashing down, I got too high and my wings burnt to a crisp.
Now it's all a giant mess again, no clear way of seeing a way out.
Just lots of different stories, with different endings, no coherence.
Like a t.v. series cancelled unexpectedly with too many loose ends.
That time when I was given the distinct impression that all of this is a distraction, a folly, something to keep us occupied whilst behind the scenes machinations are going on.
To me a bad trip would be a way to describe what happens when you get scared or someone you trusted, behaves in a way that is unnaceptable, given that you gave them the keys to your very soul.
That's how I feel, tricked, subjugated, like a puppet on a string, the string going from the heavens to my crown, from my feet to the ground, and it's not a good feeling, but it's the only game in town.
So I'm going to get good at it, as I always do, I spend much more time learning the environment, it takes me a long while to get any good at a game, but once I do I know much more than anyone else about the ways in which you can bend the rules, the places within the gamespace where you can sneak through a fault in testing, the backdoors, the loops in the programming, the tweaks, hints, tips, tricks, I can find them.
I will find them, and then I will never play again. Or something like that ;)
Love
Jon
x
