The Flux Anticipator

"And that's when you came up with the idea for the Flux Capacitor... Which... is what makes time travel possible."

I'm the flux anticipator...
 
Been banging my head a lot, against invisible brick walls, like an extra prick at a wedding, 'going spare'.

That's slang for Gnarls Barkley's greatest hit...  Their names don't fit, alter egos, made up.

So who am I if not Jon Paul Walker?  Is there an alter me?  Someone enshrined?

They, (oh no not them) go on about our higher selves, I did quite a bit last year.

Least said, soonest mended.  Not a good saying that, deal with it now.

Don't let things fester, not working out what I want to say, letting it flow, from an inspiration.

As it goes, is another saying, I'm good as it goes.  I am as things are going these days.


You see I've spent my entire life not challenging other peoples crazy ideas, run with them if that's the way you feel the world works... I thought.  Not how I see it at all, but I don't want to, wont go there, wont start an argument.  Wouldn't, didn't, couldn't.  Now I see it's cos I would have to face my own notions.

Now I'm not so sure, you see it's come to my attention that a lot of what other people say and do has some merit ;)  Tongue totally in cheek there btw...

You can never be sure how much of your sense of humour or indeed cynicism etc comes across in the words used to describe a point of view.

For my part I have spent a lot of time lately having to give the words of others far more credence, and have been assuming that everything I say and do is well, going from plain dumb to all out insanity.

Although for my part I got a lot of what I felt was right from instinctual beliefs within me.

It's gotten to the point that I am constantly scarifying everything I say and do.

Trying to find the moss within my verdant lawn and remove it.

Find the weeds and decide on the basis of are they flowers?

Removing parts I don't see having any legs in the future.

And it's made me so much more self concious than I ever thought possible.

But then I never really asked myself so many questions before.

I made too many assumptions on the basis that everyone else followed the rules for no reason.

Experientially, experimentally I found other ways of doing things, from practise.

I would not clean my teeth that often for instance, however I would clean them regularly when it suited.

I know that my father has something to do with that, he would almost rather lose all his,

than visit a dentist often and have them mess around to try to keep them.

I was an anti smoker of the extreme variety, akin to an ex smoker.

For so many years I avoided it, tried it once, disgusted.

Then got the bug after giving in, alcohol made me,

I could say that but peer pressure too.

Then they got fed up of me skavving off them and I had to start buying my own.

Until I was a twenty or more a day man, smoking straights as we call them,

years later switching to tobacco and hand rolled versions, now quit again.

Although I am smoking at weekends and occasionally in the week.

So I haven't quit, as with everything else, including spirituality,

they're habits, passtimes, in the beginning I assumed,

that I was different, drawn to spirituality for a reason, lead down a path to meaning.

So I avoided lots of things, thought I was a good guy drawn into bad behaviour.

I've done lots of stupid things, been unrequited on more than one occasion.

I don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, it's on my face, and I have to be,

so careful not to shock or disappoint because how I feel is so obvious.

I can't hide it, my rubber face, my nickname rubber Jonny...

So what's the truth?  I don't know but I now feel very different, drawn to different types.

Accepting that I've avoided some of the best experiences I've never had, like sex.

I had this inner me that was convinced I was saving myself for someone I loved.

I was, only I didn't tell them that, so that I could be safe in my loneliness.

So that I could cowardly not face the difficult questions like will you?

Do you?  I like you, do you like me?  So childlike, I haven't grown.

Or at least I hadn't, and then my libido went with my weed habit.

Instead of finding myself constantly horny, I wasn't very, hardly ever...

Like a switch flipped, a lighthouse turned off, no beacon of desire.

I don't desire sex, I desire love, I gave love or so I thought.

It's got me on my toes, and they're hurting all the time.

I'm still convinced there's something wrong but,

too damn scared to find out while the rest is in flux.

Slowly so slowly I feel more of me returning from wherever,

it was that I went.  It's been a wild ol' ride, the hardest of my life.

I've opened up, started trusting people with my feelings, my thoughts.

That's the scariest place I've ever been to, and I'm still trying to find my way.

Candle burning down, not at both ends,I was the last one up and first to rise too.

Last to go to sleep, unable to drop off anywhere but at home until exhaustion took over.

Now they say that sleep deprivation can become symptomatic of psychological illness, well.

I wouldn't go that far, not anymore, I haven't asked myself those questions recently,

not as much anyway, I mean I don't want to hurt anyone, haven't wanted to hurt.

Been running from so many weird and shitty filled holes that I could have died.

Dived into them with abandon, when I'm learning so much that I can't explain.

Seeing patterns where there are none?  Feeling energy where there is none?

Having experiences so beyond the pail, no longer vertical or watertight.

More of a bucket to be kicked, filled with lists of things I haven't...

Breaking out, not leaving it till the last minute, sure I need not.

There aren't any more stories coming from my lips, I can't.

Don't want to repeat the same old tired lines, remember.

Feel, emotions, express, desires, light the fires.

Of love
Jon
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