Nothing to Fear

I could look at the world and conclude that none of it is real, and that therefore I have nothing whatsoever to fear.  Except death, but then it will come when it comes, so I need not fear even that, especially that.  For once you accept death as your ever present companion and stop trying to escape it, stop trying to prevent it, stop avoiding discussing it, there really is nothing else going on.  We are born and then we die.  The bit in the middle is called life and that's for living.  (I may have nicked that little mini speech from Dave Lister but hey).

I'm forty soon, and it started preying on my mind quite early this year.  I had also set myself a goal of finding someone to love, or more to the point loving someone, loving everyone, and then expressing to the utmost.

It's not that I'm a virgin but when it's been as long as it has for me, you start to feel like one.

Intimacy is something that I'm out of practise, er with...

Although I have made some great strides towards opening up.

I've met more people, shared more conversations, shared more feelings.

Had so many chances to laugh, express myself, hear another's stories, be close.

Hibition, being inhibited as we are in modern life, don't shout, don't be emotional, don't be.

We're so uptight, or we were, I was anyway.  That's a lie clearly, me the one who shaved head.

Who wore things to be provocative, there's been two of me though, the one inside who seeped out.

The one outside that seeped in.  The outside influences often either making me quake or open up.

Growing in one sense, in confidence up to a point, when challenges seemed insurmountable.

Then I crawled back inside, back in my shell, whilst at the same time desperate not to.

Get out there. But I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm shy, are you? Really? You?

Who dances like there's no tomorrow, who strips off, screams soundlessly.

Who can talk to anyone, share anything, answer questions truthfully.

So many inconsistencies, many versions, depending on company.

Who am I?  Could I be the person I was again? NOOOO!

Please god no.  Stopped asking myself stupid questions.

Stopped for the moment, opening back up, prising.

Prizing the good aspects, calming the bad.

I was so outspoken, so much trouble.

Now all I want is to be healthy.

I do so much, feel so much.

There's someone I like.

But I don't want to ruin it.

It's funny, surreal, for me to be,

the one who isn't obsessed or overly,

enthusiastic, like I've reached some kind of balance.

Some kind of equilibrium, still not bothered about t.v. the music charts.

The consumerist obsession with buying things I don't need, although I will get presents.

For other people, I've been saving up so I don't spend Christmas the same way I have recently.

I'll fit in, deal with the Birthday thing, avoid celebrating, as it's just another day, I'm glad I didn't quit.

I was just hanging in there until the summer was over, for other peoples benefit, for others I can do anything.


I can be anyone for others...

Do anything.

But,

for me?

Maybe.

We'll see.

One day, someday.

Love
Jon
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