story time, sharing time, no longer despairing time

ok story time folks, sharing time, end of despairing time touch wood :) x <3

the last three years have been filled with fun, love and extraordinary things for me, the most amazing being, being god from the beginning to the end of time, then during an 8 hour plus period of declothing derobing trying to shag a female friend who was looking after me in the kosmicare tent, coming down to earth to be a demi god, giving a discourse (from my point of view) on impermanence of experience, in that i would smile, the people around me would smile, then i would wag my finger and go no no no it doesn't last, nothing lasts forever, and pretend frowning, then smiling again, going through the motions of emotions, finally realising i was just me in a lot of pain from so much violent movement over so many hours of almost dehydrated gyrations spitting out water i was given, i had to rest there for another 8 hours or so before i could even move to drag my arse to my tent, and hide from people as i was disassociated and couldn't handle talking to folks including a lovely woman who gave me food and drink so that i could eat something that new day, having gone dancing in the tribe tent at waveform from midday to waking in the night at some point, as soon as i could i left the festival once i could make it to my car.

From there the real come down happened, although at first I was a shaman, saw energy being laid down as a loving barbed wire fence of sorts, like a forcefield of positive intention at a festival i went to at out to grass and helped to setup, in the weeks that followed i was outspoken, argumentative, forthright and generally a pain in the ass to those close to me, in the end i realised they might be right, i might have a problem, over the next year to 2012 i became quite a little crazy and so scared i sought help but downplayed the symptoms to avoid any drugs or real assistance, or as i saw it,  obvious hospitalisation.  Then again in 2014 i got suicidal in spring and summer, over those years, i saw my throat being cut like a mental image of me doing it, or my wrists, my sleep was bad at times and this year i sought help again, got to the end of my tether and luckily for me the appointment for an assesment took so long, by the time it came around i was already getting better because I had found the breaking point, let go, given in, and it began to fade like the tide going out, i was offered anti psychotics, but also in this period i was able during 2013 and again to a certain extent now able to do energy healing, so wrapped up together were both the crazy man and the healer man.

Now I'm feeling much better, although the last few weeks, brought a night that was one of the worst of my life, unable to connect, humouring people, seeing myself so clearly, removing projections from others, i'm the grumpy git, im the miserable person not those others i thought were, although they are a little ;) and then the night after that, one of the best weekends of my life so far in wales at the solstice party, so swings and roundabouts, balancing between carrying on as abnormal ;) and working through the issues, but doing so with the love of others, those close to me supporting me in being out of work, so now i owe them big time, and those at parties, always with the hugs i love, to give and receive.  The milk of human kindness flowing again, feeling it, having wonderful experiences to confirm my suspicions that although i went to hell, although i saw the devil in me, there was a god too, to be found and honoured, to be accepted, both sides and choose one.

I haven't massaged in a while because my shoulders packed in and the tendons and muscles are weak so my hands cramp up quite quickly, but certainly doing good work on myself if not others yet so far, and not being in the right place to offer, quite so much, but also seeing who i was offering and who i was not seeing as the right candidates to such loving expression of physical healing, feeling like and being told that i needed to work on my own energy, receive some from others for once.

Was given, or had taken a lot of pain by a beautiful soul i wish to connect with to learn more, confirming over and over the truth of the reality of evil and good, of dark and light, after an experience around march when i came off sleeping pills without weaning as i dont take over the counter drugs very often if at all, i couldn't sleep that night and my conciousness was interrupted and intruded upon by my shadow who said, "you are going to hell anyway, so why dont you just do bad things then?"

Obviously as before, when i have faced my shadow projected onto others, I said no thanks, whatever you wish to tempt me with to threaten me with, I will never renounce love, so go on kill me, do what you will and since then it's gone away and never returned.  Some looping thoughts, a problem with listening to music, like an earworm only much more distressing, i couldnt listen to my favourite artists for fear of their songs playing over and over, really psychologically painful and stressful, but music is something i take in waves, listening to loads then none sometimes, so psytrance with it's regular beats was ok, more of a noise than a melody or words to be captured by my brain as it atttempted to make some pattern recognition, tried to find something to repeat, like thoughts, unwarranted ones.  I would wake and think of a song and it would play over and over, or a bit of it, like jerusalem...  WTF is that about, we will build jerusalem (the most divisive place on earth as the seat of the three abrahamic religions) in englands green and pleasant land?  NO FUCKING THANKS, so at times the songs chosen by my subconcious seemed like a message.  From the darker side of my being, or whatever you wish to call it.  We don't want money changers here, or temples full of the people who got the romans to kill jesus neither, there is a zionist plot to be sure to try to take over the world.  Maybe, im not a conspiracy theorist, but i trust my gut, my instincts, what feels right or wrong so I know that there are elements like israel in america and here, not jews as such but like i said zionists, those that corrupt doctrine, prophesy.

I'm not that goddy really, or obsessed with this kind of thing actually, but i know i don't like the elements of society that make it worse like the bankers, politicians.

So here i am again, happy as can be, unable to be disciplined enough to do things the easy way little by little, i had to have the short sharp shock treatment, the hard road for me because i always left things to the last minute, so they were desperate.

We shall see what the future holds, i have to find the courage to follow my heart, to use my gifts, of conversation around spiritual matters, of massage, of healing xxxxx
pay off debts, continue to work towards a time i can do what i love but fear :) <3