prestidigitation - hector and the search for happiness

it's such a fuck to become so concious of your impact, your selfishness, all your faults and mistakes, to take on what you'd put on others, to realise where you've gone wrong, how much you've missed out on but I wouldn't have it any other way because i've gotten back in touch with the voice i once knew that told me what not to do and my hope is that one day it will start explaining what i ought to be doing instead because I've never known, been able to understand, or have a plan apart from going with someone else's flow cos I never knew which way, where to go because they all look the same from my point of view unless I could feel a difference and that's hard when you're so numb because emotions, feelings are too much to take, too much impact so that it feels just like a quake, a pulse, a tremor in the forces that we feel around, inside us, that guide us, that try to find us and going forward rather than back, with so much that we lack, when we've hurt or damaged others, sisters and brothers I swear to you this life is more than living and dying, it's about trying, learning, flying into the future with your hyperspace towels, with someone's hand in ours if you can find them, i discredit my opinions cos before i could never bind them and from here on in it's still a hard road ahead chances are the direction im being lead makes for the most difficult of all choices that i've ever had to take because im flying on and by the seat of my pants, fuck here i go again on my own, walking down the only road i've ever known, to face happiness because that's surely the only possible destination in the very end, wouldn't it make more sense for us all just to be there now, in bliss, no desperation, none of this, yearning, trying, no relying on anything, just letting go and feeling, no! Being! Without any idle speculation, more mental masturbation, no prestidigitation.  No more tricks, no games, no fake illusions, just the truth, true magic, true love... Well that would be so fucking lush just this shadow to expose to shine a light on hoping that will mean it's finally gone, to leave me feeling more deserving of love.