confessions

"big bruvver 'ouse you are live on reality channel so please don't swear"
Ok then feck arse it's late or early so here goes with my confessions.
I can't sleep because tomorrow I've got to go and train to be a good little robot security guard, to get suited and booted and wear shirts and ties again and that, like when someone doesn't speak from the heart makes me sad and feel as though i'm wasting even more of a wasted life on things that don't speak to me or make my withered heart sing, to pay off the debts of yet another mistaken unawakened year or two or several and just like that song i wish i could turn out the light without all these great thoughts coming into my mind, but they do, and i can't until i've writ large my feelings cos they're surely more important than all that nonsense double speak and blue sky thinking leading me into more of the same in a world that can't take any more of the same, fluorescent lighting above my head, instead of the sun, won't anyone tell me how to escape the monkey on this ungrateful great apes back?  I've lied, and gossiped and stolen and cheated before and that's what makes it so difficult to accept that i could be loved for who i am, who i wish to be, to be free and live the life i can feel calling me, so i know why I missed the signs, the faces, the places i could have been but i won't let that hold me back now, from trying to connect and positively affect the lives of others if i can, maybe that's a better plan, a way forward not going back, hearing the guidance that i need, don't we all bleed the same blood, memories coming flood-ing through my cortex, knowing there's a vortex out there that can take me where, I wish to be and so i'm gonna flee when i can, become not a fan or some rubbish in the attic of life but something more, find a foreign shore in this tragic land, get my bare feet in the sand, with nothing planned but learning from the people that know, about foraging, herbs, the living earth, the ways of old that need to come back, helping those in a state of lack, healing myself and others when i can, working harder than ever before to leave, this battered matrix behind as it dissolves to show it's crimes, leave the rhymes maybe but not the times that call me out, make me wanna shout and scream we're doing things wrong, come on, people there's more to life than this, so that's it, for now x