don't blink, i mean think

when you dont think about it, you don't need a recipe
when you don't think about it, you don't need laws
when you don' think about it, you don't need to
think about anything really it just happens
it's you not reacting anymore but just
doing the right thing at the right
time bringing destiny into
line with what it would
wish to be if only
we could get
out of the
way
x

we're a lovely mess

got this feeling this translation going on inside my mind as i see how different the world we are shown is to the one we live inside, how different we are in us to how things appear to others, ways I was under an illusion that you had to be perfect, had to be this, have that and the other, or else you weren't worth it, From there are the lessons i learnt about how imperfect you need to be, to be yourself truly xxxxx

don't - do tell

don't wanna know what you do to live, tell me what you live to do
don't rattle off some expectations, tell me about your new dreams
don't relive what went before, no, tell me what you hope for xxx

problem people - people solutions

was wondering why some people seem to put up with being treated badly, maybe it's cos they got so used to it that they can't be bothered to do anything about it
maybe it's because they think that they deserve it for some reason who knows
i know that it doesn't have to be that way, for everyone, for anyone, if we try,
if we put ourselves out there and get involved, people are the problem
and they are the solution to every one of them too so there x

sending a thankyou out to gratitude

out to no-one in particular and to everyone
thanks for being you for doing what you do
as all around the planet lights are going on
no not those ones in the high streets sayin
shop more stuff, buy more things please so
i know it isn't just about that it's celebration,
across da nation for some not others though
so it's these other lights I mean, beacons of
hope, lanterns of love, little fires being lit, as
people become more concious of the impact
of their choices and the way they can make
the world a better place, just by being here
and being them, being who they are inside
and letting that shine everywhere they go,
those are the folks some of whom i know.
It's those lights that i'm loving seeing out.

i believe believing is seeing not the other way around

and if you can remove the blinkers and filter
you see all the more of what the world is

i know something fo' sho'
if i can remember to relax
and just go with the flow
everything falls into place
rises there if you like, so
i can forget to be thinkin'
an think less about bein'
fitting into the world nice
and easy livin' n breathin'
realisin' believin' is seein'

thankyou thankyou thankyou xxx

i feel bad that i cant remember atm who told me about this ah now i do it was cazz so i passed this technique on to someone else and it worked a treat apparently xx i have always struggled with switching off the monkey mind and dropping of to sleep but if you were to try this you never know it might change the habit of a lifetime too so lay back, start with your toes, say to each one, please release all physical and emotional and spiritual pain from within you, thankyou for everything you do for me big toe, next toe, next toe, next toe, little toe, bottom of the foot, top of the foot, heel, ankle, lower leg, each one in turn, knees, thankyou so much for carrying me then up and up and if you manage to get to your head continue thanking each part most times i've passed out long before getting anywhere further than my middle but felt my whole body relax, felt each part seemingly releasing the aches and pains and had the most relaxing sleeps each time, and i think it only gets better and better. Thankyou thankyou thankyou, spreadin some gratitude around can't be a bad thing in this world where we often take others for granted aswell as ourselves x

commune i cation

i thought up some of these words in the bath now to flesh them out and see what it turns into now i've got to stick them together into some form of communication
given that i find this the easiest and best way to get my point across in a note, a letter or something more akin to documentation ;) so here goes I'm repeating myself because i've spent some time on all these issues in the past and now again as they come back to haunt me with so many other things like the future the past the now and so many memories and to put this into words is my way of facing things like people who i find it difficult to speak to personally, face to face like maybe it's my throat chakra, or some kind of inbuilt cowardice, a lack of socialisation, or practise or some other thing to do with bonding, attachment etc

I have a different relationship to the word attraction than you do possibly
I feel that if you only looked it up and read the definition in the dick shun ary
you'd see what i see and feel because i'm coming out of hibernation literally
i've been trying to be reborn as someone new with some of the parts of me
back and some sent into hiding, seclusion, that thing you do, ah yes coventry
so yeah for me attraction means being drawn to someone or something, okay
it means i have something to offer them, not in that way, don't be so dirty
for me it means less about the sex sells way that the world has been pointing
far far less about the pointy bits, round bits, the general addiction to fucking
that we all suffer from because of the titillation in the media, films, ads and t.v.
that keeps us in a constant state of excitation for no reason just to make us pay
make us do things that we don't really feel like doing when we're being, honestly
later on when we get home from making our latest purchase or one night thingy
i don't have any judgement to make on the ways that people choose to live really
that's up to them but I have to be honest, since I haven't done it since 92 or 93
my life hasn't, doesn't revolve around that thing you do, that we call sex, baby
lately though some part of me has awoken and instead of being content to look
for a pretty smile, nice eyes, hair, personality, I've been consumed by boobs n bums
tight little tums, shapely legs, firm thighs, all of the things that constitute a woman
on top of the usual things that attract me to someone, like if we get on, if we like
each other, to be in the same room for any length of time, so I can see the appeal
i know that the need for intimacy has come back to me and that it's very real
and that's all we all want surely isn't it, as much as a quick fuck, it's a kiss
to be with someone we really care about, who cares for us too, that bliss
that comes with sharing moments together and enjoying them as much as hours
time flying fast because we enjoy it so much that it passes by before we realise
and so i have to integrate this new me with the old and make a single self though
try not to get involved until that process is more complete, until I am and then
maybe i can carry on being a friend to all and an enemy of as few as none
go out into the world, say hi, seeing pain and letting them feel they're not the only one
as i always do, making sure to cheer up the miserable, and share the laughs too
so in closing wondering if this has any closeness to the version i had in my head
i have to say i enjoy this process, it comes out in a stream and i write that instead
i go back and read it through or just leave it wondering am i exposing too much?
again, feeling so open, so bare, so desperately expressing something there
and finally i can leave it all up to you now as i'm finished this whatever it is
i can hopefully not fall over as often as i have in the past, mistaking the love
that i have, for someone else's for me, you see when we love someone it doesn't end when we're not together anymore, not true love, the love that ends, in disaster or some kind of acrimony is the type that wasn't love in the first place, an addiction to getting love from the other person, when what we should be doing is giving it away constantly, giving our love to everyone and not caring who gives it back so much, i hope i havent ruined this now by carrying on, rambling on, let's see, i love you x

loving loving

ebola soon ova, isis is no crisis, beyond the fear mongering prattling twats of the media who don't recognise or emphasize the position we created in iraq and when driving people don't indicate, from a fear leading to them unwilling to communicate that is palpable and so watching the performance artists dancing trying to lose themselves and find whoever they really are I see the need to move and stomp, the true circumstance and pomp of the people really being, living, breathing in love for one another at the rave, near bristol in a tunnel where the winners are those who can be whatever they wish and find a space in that place to forget their inhibitions, finding new conditions, new experiences as I discover myself uncontained, unrestrained by societies chills and ills, thrills as I am suddenly everyone there, their insecurities are mine and mine theirs, my body is at once a series of moments, particles, vibrating, I am everything and choose to be one of us, I can feel the sense of responsibility that is godhead, that is the one spirit of all of us, I would rather be me, rather see each one of them find the same feeling, reeling, jumping like a child at the school disco, no framed or learned moves just music driving base thumping, doing whatever seems right at the time, feeling fine, divine, in love with loving xxxxx

big un-sur-tainty

it's uncertainty that's killing me, the what ifs ands or butts
when i don't know what im doing, doing nothing seems
like a less risky option given I can and do quite
regularly read your mind and ask that one
question that brings up what you need
to clear, making me the bad guy for
a good good good reason xxxxx
not knowing what I should do
i often prefer waiting  to let
you tell me a nice story
about you instead
that's my yellow
streak showing
flippin cowardy
custard again
shying away
given time
spent
avoiding conversation at any cost, replying to everything with a witty or cutting one
liner so I can get away from this stressful mess that is me learning to feel, cope,
work through the shaking like a dog, frustration working like a friction to growin
stopping me from showing what im feeling and feeling what i'm showing too.
So i go through this thing where I'm careful not to offend anyone or hurt
anyone and just end up wondering why someone won't tell me what
i should be doing, where im going wrong, i can take it, i like it
it's the only way i've ever learnt anything is by making a
fool of myself and trial and error, embarrassment at
not being able to do the things you make look
so fucking easy but maybe isn't at all...
I still don't know but i'm going to
have to confront it all again
and again and make
even more fuckups
so im sorry in
advance
love
jon
x

grow nups

I can look the part and even act the part of an adult but i'm nowhere near yet
getting there though as i accept the hidden parts of me I had denied before
psychotic is a good description of a teenagers brain during development
actually they're just capable of a range of things and decide on a few
going forward, that's who I'm gonna be more or less 'til i learn more
settling into a more acceptable persona within a societies rules
that's why their behaviour & attitudes can appear so aberrant
but then if you're normal i don't wanna be thankyou muchly
i've met young people so much older and wiser than me
all the same given our childish society
that's why there's so many old
young nutters trying to
grow up like
lil ol'
me
x

impermanent moment

Learnt to meditate with crossed legs at
a vipassana retreat, for ten days, the
pain became seemingly unbearable.
Not so as every feeling is just an
instant, for everything is merely
passing, from one moment to
the next one and enduring
the pain, seeing it for its
true self, impermanent,
realises internally the
nature of experience
always changing,
always moving.
Bearing pain,
it becomes
a real joy
release.
Love
x

peter pan

A Peter Pan I began, to see a shadow cast.
By the light of love I felt, dealt and gave out.
Headin' into darkness, to see it shine more.
I realise it all must end, leaving it all behind.
Learning what is to come, once more a star.
Told that this place exists, for new creation.
Further afield a sky afar, waits for us again.
Beginning, ongoing. ending, over and over.
Twirlin', twinklin', bristlin' with a pure love.
Onwards and upwards, forever and ever.

409 years ago

remember, remember, the fifth of november.  The gunpowder, treason and plot, I see no reason why the gunpowder, treason should ever be forgot.  We're supposed to remember the grizzly death of the plotters but the idea of freedom from the oppression of a ruling class is what persists, what prevails, verily it is so.

Watching V for Vendetta and noticing how it apes and resonates with today, a time when spin and the messages we hear from 'governments' are barely, almost laughably unbelievable, the lies we are told to cover their complicity with big business, the lies we are told about the way forward, out of chaos...

I've seen what life is like in areas outside the rule of law, it works...

We don't need them, they need us, to vote, to comply, to give them a mandate, to listen to their broken promises, to let them get away with creating a world that is so unfair for most, that works only because it is the way things have always been.

That too is untrue, because things haven't always been this way, not at all...

Things have been very different indeed, before feudalism, before nationalism, there was real community, real connection, people really living and contributing.

A tribal culture and a culture of tribal values based on natural law.  Based on being a part of something greater than ourselves, being a part of the whole, one world.

Not one world government but a truly local way of organisation, not central, more like an organism, organic, connected, truly eclectic, celebrating difference.

Abnormal, paranormal, everyone having a place, everyone having a say...

survivor

The capitalist mindset, the paradigm that virtually all of us live in and have to work around creates the current world the way it is and is brain-washing others around the planet turning them into copies of the west as we continue to ravage other countries and install what we like to call democracy which isn't what it says on the tin at all.  What we have is a system that allows a few to rule the masses, a few to make the decisions that we all have to live with, it creates a world where people actually feel that their safety and security comes from money instead of where our true security and safety comes from in life... PEOPLE  The rich who have 20 million in the bank all say that they don't feel they have ENOUGH to feel secure in their life.

This is a bad joke and one that allows the majority of people to be oppressed, to serve the needs of those few, to send all the resources in the form of money up the chain to the top of a sickening pyramid where the rich have whatever they like and everyone has to live under the rule of law, but where businesses don't pay taxes...

This has to come to an end, because it along with all the other past, failed systems means the natural world, the very thing that gave us and gives us life is ruined.  Eco-systems are damaged, are under threat of collapse not because of the number of people but because businesses are seen as more important, have more power than the people do and so it will change and is doing so now even if you can't see it.

There is hope, there is positive news out there, we just get the bad news because it allows the people in charge to ignore the issues that they don't want to have to take care of, they don't want to have to take responsibility for them, cos they would fail.

They don't have solutions for the issues that are presenting themselves with more and more urgency because they represent the very system that created them.

Governments don't want to admit where they are going wrong because they are stuck, forged together with the very business ethic and businesses themselves that are rapidly curtailing natures efforts to repair itself and they are unsustainable.

A sustainable future, where food isn't wasted, where nothing is wasted, where the products we require to live are made to last rather than wear out, where the world itself is seen as the priority and we as merely visitors, temporary stewards is coming, because it HAS to or else, or else we are living on borrowed time.

How to end on a positive note?  When the shit hits the fan what will save you?

Will it be your huge estate, your servants, drivers, huge bank balances?

NO of course not, what persists are people, communities, in balance.

Those are the human beings that will be our descendants not them.

It's us who will survive into the future, the people in harmony.

In harmony with each other, with nature, with the planet.

Starting From Scratch

Getting off to sleep can be an issue, I find that period of the evening difficult, ideas come to me, things I probably ought to have given some consideration during the day, there's a song about it, turn out the light, turn off the light, I forget, it's about inspiration coming when you would prefer a break.

I often found late at night to be a source of my writing, lots of thoughts would come together, crystallise, wow I didn't think you spelt crystalise like that, my english is really going to pot.

In my writing I would find a line, a song, something that would spark the creativity, and like a lot of artists, my down times, depressed times, the negative times, the harshest periods in my life would often be a great source of inspiration, I almost see my blog as having been a cry for help, from myself right back at me.  Almost as if I wrote it all not for others as I had thought but to try to wake me up.

All the stuff about thinking you're protecting yourself from getting hurt, emotionally, physically even by playing life safe but actually all you're doing is making sure you never get anything good either.

SO!  All the times when I would listen to the little sparks of imagination and inspiration and stay up late like now, like tonight and put it down to a necessary part of whatever it was I was doing it all for?

I have to say that maybe that was all bollocks, because I've learnt that I don't need to live like that.

Or at least going through what I've been through over the last three years or so has taught me a lot.

Some of which like keeping good habits, I have found means I don't need to be so hard on myself.

I can ignore the little voice.  I can just go to bed and sleep on things, or try to even if I can't drop off.

I find it hard to switch off, hard to lay there and relax and naturally fall asleep, maybe that's why my cannabis habit helped so well, it makes for so much more of the sleepy chemical going round inside.

It literally makes you sleepy, melatonin, or melonin, one makes your skin tan one makes you sleep.

I forget the difference now, but I've also been an unashamed sun worshipper too, i liked having a tan.

I was very self concious about my appearance, I didn't plan to write about that but here it comes out.

As a side salad to the main course of the flow of whatever it was I wanted to, was lead to write about.

I guess, it's the process again, whatever is going on, that I could either liken to mental health issues.

Or believe is a process, an evolution within me, something going on for others too, an honesty trap.

As though the world itself was going through a change, an evolution too and all of us with it if we try.

If we're honest enough to let it happen, make it happen, willing to do so and get with the program.

Some say these are important times, possibly the most important ever on this earth, this planet.

Some say that this is the most important time to be alive, a chance, an opportunity of some kind.

That it's a great privilege to be here, well I knew that anyway, i won a huge odds lottery to be here.

Blah blah six weeks early, premature, immature, the old tale of woe that I tell when questioned.

Been there done that but we all are so very lucky to be alive, to have come to this place, now.

So I have been through a reconnection, that felt to me like psychosis, psychotic looping.

Connecting to nature, feeling like a burden for her. the mother earth, feeling unworthy.

Knowing I don't want to hurt a fly but all sorts of aggression I didn't know I had coming out.

Having thoughts I didn't recognise as my own, or coming from me, internally, so yes.

A difficult time, this year especially, I really didn't want to be here at all you see.

Came closest to not wanting to be here at all, but still not selfish enough to end it all.

Still never that down, that depressed, but not enough energy to be a good person.

Not enough feeling to do the right thing by others, seemed to me anyway.

Seemed as though I have no love, feel no love, or know what it is.

Others have told me in the past that they love me, I said it back.

But can I say that I felt it, I didn't, not right away I didn't.

I wondered is there something wrong with me?

I thought it took longer for me to feel that, to connect with others, because of my misgivings.

Because of a problem with my birth, my start in life, maybe I'm no good at connecting.

At bonding with others, making relationships, I hold myself back, my heart too.

Maybe that was the problem, I find it hard to trust, relax, touch, be with.

Maybe, but I had to ask myself am I a sociopath, am I incapable?

I've cried an awful lot, reconnected to  a lot of hurts inside.

Wept uncontrollably but felt that they were crocodile tears at the time.

Or at least I didn't feel that I had the right to have those feelings.

I would like to think that I've broken through, that I do feel.

That it is some kind of internal mechanism, some barrier.

Some reason, that I hold back, rather than feeling it.

Whatever it is that others feel and lately I see it.

I see the way that other talk to each other.

I know that I stay away I don't have the same interest in human contact, I am skeptical about others, about the way they live their lives, about the things that people say, about the things they feel, as though I am some kind of impostor, seeing the things they say as lies to cover their own lack of feeling, I'm not sure what I'm getting at now, or if I'm saying it right, explaining it well, but at this point I usually let the words out and hope that whatever is coming out from deep inside makes sense.

So yes as my senses seem to come back to me, tasting things again, whatever I did to save myself from pain a long long time ago, seems to be a damned dam that's breaking, as though I'm finally letting people, emotions, sensations in, I would like to say it extends to previous lives too.

As if I could sense that I've been here before and suffered before too, good and bad times.

A long history and herstory of lives past, of having been here many times before.

I can only surmise and guess at whether that is true, or any of the feelings.

I know I wish it was to make my own life lessons less painful, hurtful.

To make me, give me more of an excuse for being less of a man.

To allow me to feel less guilty for the ways I have failed.

Even though guilt is a major obstacle I have faced.

Will face for the rest of my days because.

Because I hold back scared to act.

I let opportunities come and go.

Because I'm afraid of failing.

An old pattern, how old?

I may not know yet.

Until I die.

For now.

I'm ok.

Here.

xxx