i was going to avebury i was coming home again

went to avebury a broken man but on the mend
this year on my own without my usual friend but
that means i can meet the new ones and oldies
the random aquaintances people i know a lil bit
i felt as though energetically i am a virgin again
the butterflies in my stomach not felt for years.
As though my love was something around me,
just around the corner waiting to say hi there.
Felt deeply within coursing through my veins
in the very air I was breathing gaining relief,
confidence an' a little voice saying don't go
come back don't leave yet, stay a lil longer
but maybe I was panicking, dehydrated a
good decision with some recriminations
ultimately it's now or never, stay there
forever or leave it to go home finally
after a day and a night celebrating
the end of one day and beginning
of a new one dawning brightly for
me if not for everyone on earth
One friend said I was a ghost
I saw the pale faces of many
who appeared more dead
than alive the longest
day taking its tolls
I am alive again
felt love again
more healing
to go now
love
x

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

I intuited information some of which seemed familiar from experiences I have had in the past.

It felt, seemed as though there is some kind of connection between the divine feminine and masculine, between those two energies, that hints at twins, a familial connection, incest.

In fact it is quite likely that the first human being, the first modern human was a freak.

A difference in the children of one mother, that meant a genetic change happened.

That was then passed down the line throughout the history of the species.

For me the feeling was that of good and evil, being a choice.

When tripping it often comes to a point where things can go wrong, turn nasty, my choice is love.

I focus on love, in my heart and things go well, go right, go in the right direction.

I was lead there, on the bank at avebury, very calm and relaxed, looking across the way, letting thoughts, emotions come through me, whether coming in from somewhere else, from deep within, expressed emotions that were held deep inside, I don't know, I cried quite a bit, a dog made me weep.

Lots of things brought forth a response from me, I thought about someone I love, but am not with.

I thought about people from the past, loves, those I was fond of, people in my family, friends.

I thought about so many things, and on the way home still in that frame of mind, I loved everyone I met or saw, I smiled, I tried to carry that deep loving feeling with me from the stones.

Now it's quite possible that what I have been doing over time is taking things, and taking things that I learnt from those experiences seriously, in that I assumed the information that came to me was true.

That I was learning about the external world such as it is.  Learning about the cosmos, the makeup of the universe around us, learning from it's deepest secrets, learning more because I asked to know.

As it is, I know that there are aspects of my most recent experiences that I've come to doubt.

The feeling though at the time, yesterday for hours on end, that I was being vindicated.

That the connection, the energy I had felt before was back, albeit with some help.

So I have to question, whether I can get there without any help, from now on.

However I must say it was a privilege to meet some amazing people again.

I hope that all this spiritual stuff isn't just the emperors new clothing...

Some kind of ancient superstition, passed from father and mother.

Coming down to us from word of mouth, given life by us.

No I hope so much that at least some of it is true.

Because if there isn't a spiritual revival, a rebirth of spirituality, a chance for everyone to connect to each other, to feel that for themselves, without the need for religious dogma and divisive sectarianism, then we are dead.

The planet will go on, cockroaches will survive, but mankind?  Probably not, maybe a few in a bunker, maybe using technology some could live on, but the life we will lose, the other creatures, the ecosystems we are destroying right now, the species that are going extinct,  it's heartbreaking.

Solstice Story

So I  cycled to Avebury for the summer solstice again this year, having driven the last few times, now having realised that it's best to get there in the afternoon of the day before the longest day.  So arriving on the outskirts of Avebury itself, the village coming into view in the distance I happened upon a couple of people hiking with rucksacks, I thought for a moment that I recognised the guy in front.  Still thinking I did, I said hi only to hear a "is that Jon?" from the person behind, a friend too from the past.  So we journeyed to the stones and the pub together and it felt right that way.

The magical coincidences and the feeling I get when I walk into the village, the smile that comes onto my face each year, retracing my steps over the past several years, this time on the bike I was able to see the places I have cycled past before, see what has changed, see 'Gods Country' the campsite that my friend and I created in the past on the fly on the side of the trail so that we could hike in the rest.

Sitting at a bench outside the pub having stashed my bicycle where the others were, I met a man called Robert and it transpired that we had both walked the way of Saint James, in fact Robert had walked several of the different ways, the Portuguese way, the English way, The Camino Primitivo, all sorts of stories coming out and a wonderful chance to share some insights gained, what a guy.

So in the end after some food and a couple of pints, I made my way over to the stone circle as it was getting darker and I wanted to see who I might recognise of the people congregating over there.  The drummers start up as darkness arrives, so I wandered around a bit lost to be honest, as I'm on my own.  In the end I found some people with their own drums, bongos etc, and it's nice to be able to borrow one for a play, to get into the spirit, to lose yourself in making music and I did that for hours.

Also a friend from the psytrance world was there when I had been for a walk around and come back, so it was lovely to see him again as I've been out of the loop for months, not seen many of my aquaintances since last year.  As the night wore on it became a waiting game for the sun to arrive and it does to cheers as the first glimmer of sunlight actually rises up above the horizon.  Lots of other people I knew were arriving as this time approached, lots of hugs and how dya do's and reunions.

Hung out with different groups, trips to refill water bottle, to use the facilities, wandering around the chalk banks, to finally come back around to the pub again, my bike is locked up behind a fence for quite a while, probably just as well because I haven't slept so I rest as much as I can at times.

I had some wonderful feelings and some very cathartic tears at times too, vibrations felt in my hands and in my body, working through, a knot in my stomach released, experiences similar to ones I have had before where I see the world more clearly, a feeling as though good and evil are imposters, two sides of the same coin, that love conquers all, is a higher vibration, the only surviving sound, the song of love heard across the ages.  I feel like a god, or a son of a god, a son to a goddess, as though this place aches like the world does for change, for healing to take place, for us to be gone or to grow up.

A circle of people and some gongs are setup, they hold hands and say prayers, and the gongs send out a sound wash around, I sit and then lay down on the outskirts of the circle, and nearly fall asleep, only rising when it's all over, the stones are moving, the colours are amazing, the moss on them, they are alive, the leaves of the trees are shaking, in a cosmic wind, morphing and moving, colours changing.

I water a load of dogs whenever I see one, offering them a drink from my hand they seem thirsty.

Finally I have no money left, I should make my way home, to a family bbq, to eat to live, I cycle home, on the small bottle of water I filled up from the village, in one go with a little rest twice.

25 miles there, 25 miles back again and my bottom is hurting, my legs sore and tight, my head swimming, I love everyone, felt like a part of everything, what a day and a half I've had again.

truly madly deeply x

would just like to say that the stigma associated with any form of mental illness is a terrible thing, for anyone suffering from any kind of physical or mental illness that does not show, has no obvious outward signs, and the struggle every day against the opinions of others, and their failure to understand, I salute you all, us all.. It's very difficult for another person to understand where you are coming from though, so give them patience, see it from their perspective, from their point of view, it is very hard to put themselves in your shoes, almost impossible because we are us, and they are them. To get a diagnosis actually can be a terrible thing because from then on you are labelled as one thing or another, permanently on your records, others can then be notified who need to know, some people wish to get a diagnosis, because it gives them the confidence to know what it is that they are facing. Personally I would like to understand what it is I have gone through, but the provision just doesn't seem to be there, unless you want to get yourself sectioned, or have the money to pay to see a selection of professionals until you can get some kind of understanding between you as to what has occurred, and what is ongoing.

Taken from a level above mere diagnosis, I love the way that the group on facebook 'the shamanic view of mental illness' sees all mental aberration of one kind or another as a spiritual growth, as the birth of a healer, in terms of people surviving and learning and healing themselves, and going on to use their knowledge to help and heal others. Personally again, I only have my own experience, and experiences to go on, but the last three years have been incredibly cathartic, opened me up in ways that I could never be anything but grateful for, even though I now see myself more clearly than ever before, have had to accept facets of myself that I had disowned, life will never be the same, I cling to the spiritual aspects and go on to the solstice at avebury knowing I have learnt a lot in a short time, not all of it nice mind you.

Whether a true experience or not I do hope to give my life in the service of my fellow beings, as i was told I would, whether physically, mentally, spiritually x

Hardly Seems Worth Mentioning

Hardly Seems Worth Mentioning

That I woke up with a fully formed blog entry ready to go, or at least with an idea there ready to be worked on, expanded upon, but now it's gone, like a dream that fades once you are awake, so it's hardly worth mentioning that there were a few subjects I wanted to touch on, from ideas to talk about it has gone to words that were to jog my memory so that I could write the rest, diagnosis, prognosis, something beginning with t, or maybe j, fading fast, who knows what it was now, it seemed quite important, seemed as though it would make a lot of sense, perhaps it will come back to me later.

So I'm off out to look for work, in the local area, off to cycle around the shops and post offices to see what's on the local notice boards, hoping to find something local that I can cycle or walk to, so that I  can get my head above water without involving others, without needing lifts to and from until I can save up to get a vehicle and re-entrap myself in the system of insurance, m.o.t., tax, fuel, car, working to pay to run a car so that I can get to work to earn the money to run a car so that I can get to work.

That old chestnut, oh dear, everything that I was hoping to avoid, to get myself away from once and for all, but like most of my dreams and fantasies of the past few years unrealistic given that I want to be around to do the chores at my folks' house, the mowing that needs to be done, I can't just up and leave them to it all, although I never did all that much apart from that in the past, and now I see how ungrateful I have been, with what bad grace I do what must be done, how lazy I am in truth seen.

Looking for an escape, a beautiful way out, to live somewhere in community, where we all muck in, do our fair share, live an idyllic lifestyle in the countryside somewhere, away from the car / work / car system, but even the people I know who live a certain way don't do that, this would involve finding somewhere else, some other people, I know that in the past I was drawn to places like Avebury for the summer solstice, having visited there as a child on a school trip, going back there, often on my own at first and then with a friend, more recently on my own again as the weather put him off or the timing of the days doesn't work out for his calendar, I was always going to places on my own, looking for kindred spirits to connect with, looking to meet people of a like mind.

Inside I had this naive but nonetheless magical perspective, it coloured every day in like a book, I took what others said with a pinch of salt or humoured them as I believed that I knew what was really going on behind the scenes, behind the daily grind, I felt things were moving in a certain direction.  I've seen things that I can't explain, or couldn't until it actually occurred to me that maybe I was seeing things ;)  But I'm not seeing things now, the clouds whilst pretty are serene not surreal.

I'm starting over from scratch, charging my phone, feeling alone, off to look for chances to take, feeling very sane indeed which means there's so much less magic in the air and in the world and in my life, just mundane days, chores, going to go to the solstice this year alone again, my first outing this year really, I haven't been anywhere since January, I'll stay out that friday night to greet the dawn.

I keep checking the online maps, the photos, the from the road perspectives of places I've been before, it literally takes me back to those days in 09 and 10 when I was abroad on my own, in the company of people from all over the world, walking across a foreign land exploring within the confines of the yellow arrowed road, the starry way, el camino de santiago, the via la plata.

Seeing the bus station in Zafra where Meghan and I got dropped off, the Hotel Carmen where we checked out checking in but thought better of it despite her ill health and traipsed on to find an albergue where we could rest with lots of our other friends, before going off to find the hospital, my standard habit of finding an internet cafe or place where I could upload my photos and on this occasion skype home for the first time in my life, video chat with my sister and mum and dad.

I never was a reminiscer I know that's not a word, but I didn't look back much before, now I see those times as the best of my life that will never be bettered, in some ways I see them as times that I must be so grateful for because I will never have such times again, as if the best days of my life are behind me and that's a sorry tale to tell, but it feels true, as much as I'm trying to look forward with hope.

I would almost like to revisit the Via la Plata and go to that Roman Spa again, having seen it from the outside on google maps, as if I was standing there again, as if I had walked into that village again, right now, took me so vividly back to getting a massage and a soak in the lovely pools to the sound of old musical instruments, feeling like I was back in time to the days of yore, a harp like sound, tiled room, wonderful garden, oh my gosh what a feeling leaving that place so relaxed, only to make camp outside the village right next to an industrial site that was lit at night, that made the frogs of the pond and the birds of the trees sing aright through to the next day, keeping me awake along with the insect bites and the feeling that I'd wasted my beautiful retreat of the previous afternoons lazy lounging.

Ups and downs, the hardest thing I've ever done is walk 500 miles on my first solo trip abroad but it's the best thing I've ever done too, I came back with so much confidence in my own goodness, my self.

I proved that there was still the milk of human kindness in the world, from others, from me to them.

I proved from what I was told, that I was a good person, started to believe compliments, take them.

SO I don't know what I would have written about had I remembered whatever it was, maybe it will come back to me at some point, as usual I've ended up going on about Spain ;) AGAIN hahaha x

Oh well in my life there are standout moments and those five weeks or so stand out and up as the best I have ever experienced, and until I do something anywhere near as valid again they always will do.

They were real experiences, I didn't let my imagination or expectations get away with me, because I was in the moment constantly, carried away on the wind, on the trail, a living fact, a human living.

Love
Jon
x

Can we make a difference?

A lot of the time these days I feel as though the world is becoming a worse place, the way that it becomes clear that governments and the companies they work in the interests of are running away with plans to ruin the environment in a last gasp effort to get fossil fuels, in an insane attempt to create new sources of revenue so rich people can get richer and rape the planet, often I feel demoralised, scared that we are seeing the end of the world, but in many ways we are seeing the truth emerging of the ways in which this world is a dangerous and dirty place, and people are coming together because of the truth that is becoming clearer, people are actually working together to highlight the darkness in our world, to do something about it, perhaps there is hope that we can rid ourselves and our communities and our countries of the ways in which they are ruined by individuals by coming together to support initiatives, by doing the right thing, by supporting efforts to make these issues clear to all, I don't know how much one vote, one name on a petition like this helps, and when I can I've given money to these types of organisations, to greenpeace, to the tibet relief fund, to the peple who want to change the money system, I hope that each of us CAN make a difference, for our children's sakes, for the planets sake, for our own sake

There are so many distractions out there, its so easy to change the channel when something distressing comes on the t.v. it's so easy to not hear about the things in the world that affect the lives of millions, modern slavery exists, today the world is in just the same position it was before although we like to think that many of the issues of the past have been resolved, in fact today greed is far more prevalent because the greedy people can hide behind initiatives and governments purporting to be doing the right things, look at the G8 or G7 as they are calling it now that they've kicked Russia out

They promise many things, but then the financial crisis came along, who do governments owe the money to?  Bankers, the people who fund the world, with it's own resources, the resources of the world belong to the world, not to individuals, the land of the world does not belong to one person or another, it doesn't belong to anyone, the land is the land, the planet is the planet, it belongs to itself.

We should be as the supposed most intelligent species, the stewards of the environment, working together to create ways in which sustainability will allow life to thrive on this world, to make it a better place, where we all know the truth not the lies that we are told to sell products that make us ill.

We could all be eating a diet that prevented most illnesses, we could all be living much richer lives with far less in terms of things made out of stuff and it's been painful for me to realise this truth...

As I've rid myself of the addictions of gadgets, whilst writing this on a laptop the irony is there...

I buy second hand, cheap phones, handmedowns but at some point they were new, made of minerals that were dug by slave labour, fought over, to create a gadget, there is precious little time left for us to come to this realisation the world over, when we are told to be good consumers, to create growth in the economy because that is what will solve the worlds problems, keep governments working in the right direction, it's all nonsense told by people with a limited understanding of the issues, retold daily by the news and media who are really either puppets and propagandists, or just slaves to an outdated agenda that doesn't server anyone or anything but the status quo, the fear of what we face making us all bury our heads in the sand and think that business as usual is ok at this point when it really isn't.

Either we all wake up and change the way we live, or it's all over sooner rather than later.

I wonder if man and woman, us humans, are we a good thing, are we worth the risk?

This planet gave us life, we came about as the next random or planned step...

What is the next one ahead of us, ultimate destruction or a higher state of being, will the people who try to protect their way of life, building bunkers for government officials, and seed banks in the arctic, will they survive and try to rebuild from the seeds of our destruction because that would be a lie.

Many of us see this and are doing our bit to withdraw from a way of life that poisons us and the planet, making decisions based on thriving not just surviving, on creating not just consuming.

Those are the meek, the geek, the truly living, looking weak but so so strong individuals who choose to grow their food in community, in balance with the environment, the rest are trapped in a system.

Myself included as I continue to consume sugar daily in everything, and my body gets weak and I don't feel as though I can choose the way I live my life as I am merely a product of my inability to change, to have the courage to stand up for what I believe in, to conquer my fears, to outgrow the damage i've done to myself and hold my hands up about the accident that lead me here from 2011.

I'm healing and I hope the world is too, as a light is shone on the darkest areas of government intrusion in the name of inspiring freedom around the world, to prevent terrorism we have to be watched at every turn, tightening up and removing our freedom to do and be as we wish makes people more likely to rebel against that, war and death and murder creates more of it, we all need to forgive and move on and it will necessarily mean that power structures wither and die because they have to, countries will become smaller, europe will become nation states, regional states, communities that are sustainable, that look out for each other on a smaller scale, kings and despots could hold together using force large Nations in the past through fear and manipulation but we won't stand for that any longer, America as a United States will fall soon, China will too into smaller bits.

It's quite natural that as people have the power more and more to choose their own destinies and they do, that the world will change, individuals will have more access to education, the birth rate will go down because of the toxicity as it has been doing, the population of the world will fall, either by oil spill and accident or by design, as the food supply collapses, like foxes, predators and top of the food chain creatures fall prey to the lack of rabbits beneath them and the land cannot cope with the chemicals, the bees are dying and us with them soon, so it's on a knife edge as the darker aspects of our societies look to robot pollinators and taking environmental change as a given but not revealing the truth because they don't want to cause the panic that would ensue we are lied to at every turn, rather than have rebellion on a planetary scale that would rest the power back to the people...

It's exciting and terrifying what the world looks like right now, I'm glad I marched on Parliament.

November the fifth, that night will last forever in my memory, the fear at raising my voice.

I have to end on a good note so I will just say that my mental aberrations are fading.

I may never be the same again and this world will be poorer for the people and species that we are losing daily, the tribes of the true wilds, the plants and animals that are dying because of the rich.

Cut down one mahogany and fifty types of creatures, some unique may never be seen again.

All so someone in london can have a cabinet, or a desk, and they don't care just spend.

We are all mad, and I've been through it enough to know what it looks like close up, I can't say that planet wide we are looking at a good outcome for everyone, I hope that fate and destiny have a role to play, that there is some level of fair play at work for the whole even if individuals get chewed up and spat out, I have always had this naive hope and faith in the right things happening in the end...

I'm going to cling to that, not for me as I know and feel as though all I can do is right by others.

When the people and system that we support not seeing any alternative don't do right...

What is left to us but to continue down the roads they pave, the roads more travelled.

I went down the one I saw as more important but maybe I was just getting lost.

It lead me here to so much confusion about the sights I saw along the way.

A real need to not disappoint those that brought me into the world.

Anymore than I already have, let myself and them down, where is the positive I was hoping to end on?  I'm not dead yet when I thought I would be, asked to be internally, got issues to face head on.

That's a positive given where I was three months ago.

I'll take that then.

Love
Jon
x

 

Suspending Disbelief - Benefit of the doubt

Suspending Disbelief

If you couldn't suspend your disbelief you could never get into a work of fiction, really get into a story that you know isn't true, or watch a t.v. programme or film and forget that the actors are playing a part.  My Gran used to say that she didn't like Star Trek 'because it's too far fetched' which is actually quite a funny thing to say because it is precisely for that reason that it's worth watching.

Its science fiction, it takes like all fiction does, what we already know or think we do and stretches it out into the realms of imagination and fantasy, giving us a picture of the downright depressing or utterly fantastic ways in which the future might hold great things for us all, terrible possibly but great.

The word great has come to mean good, but it doesn't mean that at all, the word great means large.

How are you?  I'm great, would be a reasonable reply, but that is a mistake, an error in the use of language.  I'm picky, pedantic, I notice mistakes, errors, I proof read everything I read, I notice it when something isn't spelled correctly, when the grammar isn't right, when it doesn't read true.

I do that to reality, I've had reality speak to me, tell me that films, t.v. are all distractions.  Admittedly that was during an experience where my conciousness was being perturbed by natural resources, in this case Psilocybin Mushrooms, picked by me in a responsible way, used in a ritual way, prepared physically, and spiritually, a sacrament, a god giver, I asked the questions, I got the answers.

Inconvenient truths in many cases, I mean to be told that everything I loved like Star Trek was just a distraction from a true reality underlying the one we think we live in, in the here and now?

Was quite disturbing to have that come through as a message from who knows where, from within my own self even, whether there is a god we can speak to I don't know, is it a part of us?  In us?

I gave so much the benefit of the doubt, myself included and I'm being incredibly hard on myself now, not giving myself any wiggle room because I know I will use it to evade what I need to do.

I'm being brutally honest, and in the moment, concious as much as I can be of the stories I tell me.

Of the ways in which I was dishonest in the fictions within my world view and it's fucking painful.

Painful to mourn the loss of the tales I was telling myself, of the theories I had held to be coming true.  I don't know what the future holds, but I can only hope upon hope and continue to do so, that all of this is for a good reason, a great reason and I mean the world as a whole now, this tale being told.

This story, this fictional account of the globe falling through space, the life giving sun, the death mask of the man in the moon, you see in many ways as the television, fictional world of the cinema, of the stage becomes more so, seems less real, as this whole place seems like a caricature of itself, as myself included seems like a character I was playing and god knows I was playing doctor who, I was playing Luke Skywalker, I was associating myself with their roles, their ways of being, mannerisms.

I feel like Walter White now, was toying with shaving my head, Breaking Bad is good but not great.

I can see so many ways that it could have been so much better, but then it too is a caricature of itself.

It's not meant to be real life, which in many ways is so much more beautiful and so much more ugly.

That's what I've been dealing with, having lived my life, glossing over the ugly parts of me and focussing on the beautiful, on the transient aspects, on making the most of the last few years has taught me, I lived in the now, I didn't worry as much as I have done over the last few months, I'm not as stressed as I have been because I realise that wasn't helping but also because I've moved on, am moving on, taking this life seriously because it's the only one I have and when it's gone it's gone.

At the same time though I have to realise that sooner or later I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt and finally give myself a break, stop being so hard on myself, but I know what I'm like.

The moment I've been waiting for is still out there, on the tip of my tongue for years, just around the corner, I'm writing this straight from the brain to the finger, not thinking, so let's see what comes out, as usual it's a stream of thoughts, not thunk before, just arising as my digits tap the keys, will it have a circular reasoning, come full cycle, back to the start?  Isn't that what we're all doing in the end?

Birth Death the bit inbetween is called life and that's for living...  Thanks Dave Lister :) xxxxx

I was connected and not all of the stuff I came out with was nonsense, some of it was true.

So I am going to do my best to concentrate on paying off the three grand I owe, getting into a situation where I can support myself better than I ever have before, it doesn't matter to me if I'm not having a good time, out and about in the world, as long as I'm finally being responsible, I need this.

2017 though, by then I felt we would all know, that in some way great changes would have occurred.

For good or for bad, I hope that is true, maybe all those who suffer as I did feel that, feel close to something that is a long way off, maybe that is what the perturbation of conciousness is about.

Connecting to something out of time, I mean as a species we nearly are here, this planet is ruined.

Technology is ruining us and yet it could help save us, if the will of the many outways the few.

If we could all realise that things and money aren't the answer, if we can grow up and out of the ways in which we feel disconnected from each other, as though we need our own selfish ways to survive.

I would like to think that if I ever came into lots of money I would still live humbly and use it to help others, share and share alike, I have done that in my charitable work, Lendwithcare.org check it out.

So in conclusion because I've rambled as usual, may you be alive at the end of the world.

That's an Irish saying, and there's something to it, because I feel that is where we are.

Look around or would you rather watch t.v. medicate legally or otherwise, ignore?

I've felt the pain of the Haitians and cried my eyes out, felt a kick in the stomach.

Hurt others emotionally, because I was mental and out of my depth and scared.

I'm still scared but only of never being so physically vital again, of dying.

Slowly from this day forwards but that's the truth of it, that's what we do.

We live every day as if it was our last because it might be, die each day.

A little, every breath we take keeps us going but also uses up heartbeats.

We only have so many, I would like to use them all up before my mind goes.

Again ;)  I've probably gone on long after I should have wrapped this up but hey it's my thing.

You do yours, I'm sure you will, I dreamed big, had them turn into nightmares, now less so.

Off out to mow all the grass, do my bit, go cycling later, for the fun of it. Smiling more.

Mental Dental Health

Erm yeah so it's been a funny few months to say the least, actually not very funny at all, distressing, awfully scary, at one point when I was coming off sleeping pills I had been offered and accepted, I didn't realise I should wean myself off them, I just stopped when they ran out, so called rebound insomnia caused me to have a complete night of no sleep, not a problem in the past few years really, I've gone whole weekends with very little sleep, as I've always struggled to get off in strange environments, in strange places, away from home, I often only get off to sleep when exhausted, and even then awake early in the morning.  So yes, this particular evening about six weeks ago I would say, lasted until the morning and during this long dark night, I experienced something very strange indeed.  I got to the early hours of the next morning and in my conciousness had a conversation, not with anyone in particular, with a part of myself I could perhaps describe it as, it went along the lines of, "You are going to hell and there you shall be raped in the ass and various other absolutely heinous things that you can think of are going to happen"...  I didn't actually ask who I was hearing from, I just assumed whilst I lay there tossing and turning and uncomfortably taking the verbal punishment, curling up in a ball, wondering whether I would ever feel happy again in my life.

That was the worst single night, experience of this whole period.  I recognised other aspects of whatever has been going on though, like the conciousness that comes into every second of my waking life, when out and about, almost every step might become an issue, on the ground, the bare earth, the grass, in countryside habitat, the fact that every step brings death and destruction to the animals and plant life below but also creates food and opportunities for the other creatures.

It's a bit like being god, but feeling like the devil, feeling interconnected with all life and yet not being all that bothered if it ended right there and then, feeling like the future can go fuck itself.

Now I'm hoping to get a job and get back out into the world, get back on the road, get saving.

I want to face the future, invest in my health and well being, volunteer, find good things to do.

This is a very weird place, live and die, wake each day to the same challenges to eat to live.

Oh and I've got a dentist appointment coming up, snapping back to reality, waking daily.